By Lex June 19, 2014 @ 9:48 AM
Jillian Michaels and her life partner Heidi Rhoades decided they’d each make a baby to kickstart their new lesbian family. Heidi conceived the old fashioned way. A group of LGBTQ friends spat donated jizz up Heidi’s cooch until a Wiccan clairvoyant heard a future baby cry. When it was Jillian’s turn to reproduce, she passed on the whole gestation hassle and jetted down to Haiti to snag an infant out of the clearance bin. Every lesbian couple has the smart one and the hairy one. I don’t see any hair on Jillian Michaels.
Photo Credit: Shape
By Lex April 29, 2014 @ 4:45 PM
Jillian Michaels took time away from yelling at fat people to yell at a PETA rally to get rid of Central Park’s horse drawn carriages. People have been trying to get rid of those cloyingly romantic carriages since as far back as I can remember. The new New York City mayor and his lesbian wife and a whole bunch of celebrities are out to replace the horse drawn carriages with electric vintage cars, because that is totally environmentally award worthy thinking. The anti-carriage crowd used to complain that the old horses were high on steroid suppositories and had to consume their own feces or something horrific like that. Then the carriage people got Red Cross inspectors to come and show how nicely their horse prisoners are really treated. So PETA counter punched with the the alarmingly shrill voices of Jillian Michaels, Alec Baldwin, Lea Michele, and Pink. That’s a road trip foursome from hell. The good and more evolved people are now claiming the horse drawn carriages are too dangerous to be traveling the city streets with cars and pedestrians. Two carriages knocked each other over last year, just to definitively prove their point on safety. Liam Neeson rushed to the defense of the horse drawn carriages, causing everyone to reflect on how much more manly he is than his celebrity opposition, except for Pink when she’s skipping her estrogen, naturally.
By Lex November 13, 2013 @ 3:50 PM
Explosive moments on the fat ranch last night when Jillian Michaels was scolded by the Biggest Loser show host for doling out caffeine supplements to her team of porkers. Not so much explosive as cloyingly staged. The tubbies are already drinking coffee to shat out their last few pound of water weight before weigh in. It’s surmised that this entire ruse was designed to bring back Ruben Studdard, who people forgot won American Idol three hundred pounds ago. Because of Jillian’s violation on behalf of her team, Ruben was forklifted back onto his team and given another week to live. Probably literally.
Here’s Jillian Michaels on the beach in between tapings. She looks good but it’s likely due more to sweaty lesbian sex than caffeinated beverages.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com