The great Jimmy Kimmel was a guest on Letterman last night, and he and Dave of course talked about the thing they have most in common; hatred of Jay Leno. Sadly Leno’s ratings have been better than expected but not as good as they used to be. I guess that shouldn’t be a surprise. He’s perfect for late night, because he doesn’t do anything that would force people to think. It’s mindless nothing, like how people use a metronome to calm down or go to sleep. He’s like that, except not as funny.
MICHAEL JACKSON - had at least 2 girlfriends whose identity have remained a secret, according to his bodyguards. Well that’s all the proof I need. I’m sure it wasn’t a boy in a wig and a dress. Why can’t the girls go public? Who knows. Maybe they’re mermaids. (wonderwall)
GABOUREY SIDIBE - has joined the cast of a new Showtime series called, “The Big C”. The goal of the show is to see how many “the fat vagina” jokes the internet can make. (imdb)
JIMMY KIMMEL - might replace Barbara Walters as host of the interview special before the Oscars every year. It’s part of ABCs new plan to make shows people watch and enjoy. (pop eater)
JESSICA SIMPSON - is glad she doesn’t look like Daisy Duke anymore. “So am I”, agreed No One On Earth. (us.com)
KATY PERRY - should have been posted yesterday but can’t be forgotten because her Oscar dress was terrific. Her hair was down and the dress actually flattered her body instead of hiding it under 1800 yards of fabric. It went against the normal award show trend of trying to look as terrible as possible. (getty and splash)
During his interview yesterday with Oprah, Jay Leno said Jimmy Kimmel “sucker-punched” him when Kimmel appeared on Lenos show and made fun of him for 10 minutes (video of that here, transcript of the Oprah-Leno interview here).
When pressed about it Leno acted as if he was blindsided and didn’t expect Kimmel to make any jokes about the Tonight Show fiasco. After all, “have you ever ordered anything off the TV” is a serious question, and Kimmel should have shown it the dignity and respect it deserves.
So last night Kimmel addressed Lenos claims about him, and then proceeded to expose Leno for the slow and clumsy doofus that he is. Leno should just pretend Kimmel doesn’t exist at this point before he ends up stuffed and mounted above Jimmys fireplace.
When Jimmy Kimmel began his show earlier this week by doing an impression of Jay Leno and insulting him for 5 minutes, seemingly in defense of Conan O’Brien, Leno knew what he had to do: he had to have Kimmel on his show. And so that’s what he did. Oh and it went just great.
Question 5 LENO: Whats the best prank youve ever pulled? JIMMY: …I think the best prank I ever pulled was, I told a guy, 5 years from now, I’m gonna give you my show, and then when the 5 years came I gave it to him and then I took it back almost instantly. It was hilarious. I think he works at Fox or something now.
Question 6 LENO: Have you ever ordered anything off the TV? JIMMY: You mean like NBC ordered your show off the TV?
It actually gets worse after that. NBC and Leno really have their fingers on the pulse of America. That studio must have labels and stickers on everything so these doofusses don’t end up eating a hat, or finding a beaker with hissing blue liquid in it and stirring it with their dicks.
JIMMY KIMMEL - came out last night dressed as Jay Leno. Everyone could tell it wasn’t Leno though because the jokes were funny. (abc)
JENNIFER LOVE CHEWITT - almost dumped Jamie Kennedy because he called her “pear-ass” after seeing her in a bikini. Then she realized that’s the nicest thing anyone has said about her ass in 3 years. (us.com)
MINKA KELLY - is not engaged to Derek Jeter, contrary to reports last week saying she was. They’re very much together but any plans for the future have been exaggerated. Also exaggerated is the report that I have to take “a half-dozen” viagra to get an erection. Whatever. I would hardly call 5, “a half-dozen”? (ny daily news)
JAMES BOND 23 - doesn’t have a name yet, but the movie will star Daniel Craig, will be directed by Sam Mendes, and will be shot in 3D according to new reports. All the Bond girls in 3D take us one step closer to porn in 3D, which takes us one step closer to the fall of man and the end of civilization. (the sun)
Things like this clip from last night are proof that most people in the world are essentially stupid. Kimmel is better than Letterman. Opie and Anthony are better than Stern. ‘Always Sunny…’ is the best show on TV. All these people should be number 1 and they’re not and if I knew who was responsible for this outrage I would go to that place, throw a smoke grenade inside their window and then punch everyone as they ran out the door.
Melissa Joan Hart should have known better than to get sassy with Jimmy Kimmel. The only way he could have owned her any more is if the stage she was standing on had a trap door and he dropped her into a pool of sharks.