Joe Biden’s Son No Longer Sea Worthy

By Matt October 17, 2014 @ 6:26 AM

Hunter

Joe Biden’s son Hunter was kicked out of the Navy after testing positive for cocaine. This wouldn’t be a story if Hunter was a tyke fresh out of college, but at the age of forty four he is the oldest living man named Hunter and a partner at an investment firm. We will never know why Hunter decided to join the Navy after his first couple of million bucks. It’s sort of a young man’s game. Or I suppose a pretty cheap ploy to hedge your way into a congressional job after your daddy retires and the people who owe him favors are pardoned. After serving less than a month on the couch for the Navy he tested positive for cocaine and bullshit and issued this statement:

“The honor of my life is to serve in the U.S. Navy, and I deeply regret and am embarrassed that my actions led to my administrative discharge. I respect the Navy’s decision. With the love and support of my family, I’m moving forward.”

Except you didn’t serve and you have no honor. I don’t mind the kids of famous people picking up drug habits and generally being aimless good for nothings. That’s probably what I’d do. But using sideline military service as a resume booster seems pretty fucking shallow.

His political dreams may be over, but Hunter will certainly rotate all his lacrosse buddies through the Navy until he can finance one of their campaigns and pass loopholes for his investment firm. He’ll just have to watch them lose on a flatscreen while high on that sweet nose candy with a gun in his mouth.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Joe Biden Jumps The Poor Train

By Matt June 25, 2014 @ 4:14 PM

Biden

Joe Biden has joined the chorus of politicians desperately trying to seem poor. I guess the hip hop bling culture hasn’t invaded the ranks of white career politicians just yet. Biden says he has no investments and doesn’t even have a savings account. My twelve year old niece has a savings account. If this is true, it suggests that Biden is fiscally retarded and we might want to remove him from the White House as he is way too privy to this country’s economic policies. Biden is trying to one up Hillary Clinton’s I’m One of You memes and in doing so has just cemented his fate of becoming a penniless hobo. Twenty years from now he’ll be bent over in a park holding a jar of his own urine and yelling at children that he used to vice president. Most people will speed up their pace. Some will toss him some change so they can feel less guilty about not saving a shoeless kid in Guatemala for seventeen cents a day. The role of a vice-president is to be such a lightweight nincompoop that even the crazies are scared to shoot the President. Nice work, Joseph.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

President Obama and Daniel Craig Ask That You Kindly Stop Raping Women (VIDEO)

By Lex April 30, 2014 @ 3:30 PM

The Vice President is like the less ambitious son who still lives at home who you give a few odd jobs to keep him from hanging around the house and eating all the cereal. You don’t give him Ukraine or long term unemployment, but you let him handle the funerals of third world leaders and hiding the easter eggs for the annual White House lawn hunt. Then, when he asks to jump on a more media noteworthy political softball, you throw him rape. More specifically, being against rape. Who isn’t against rape? I mean, outside of rapists, and even they probably wish they liked golf instead. Vice-President Biden and a few of his celebrity friends got together for a big public awareness campaign on YouTube to tell men that it’s not cool to assault women. Sort of a gentle reminder, like keeping your elbows off the table and putting the toilet seat back down. It’s so easy to fall into bad habits. Like rape.

If I saw it happening, I wouldn’t blame her, I’d help her.– Daniel Craig in the 1 is 2 Many PSA

Wow, crappy and tired looking Daniel Craig. That is mighty progressive of you. I’m not sure I could resist the urge to blame a rape victim for wearing her skirt to high or acting non-biblical. Enjoy your rape, harlot! I say that a lot. Or I used to before Daniel and Dulé Hill and President Obama educated me otherwise. I hope this public service campaign goes more swimmingly than that 20 year long ‘This is your brain on drugs’ series of commercials that spent billions only to turn out to intrigue young people into actually experimenting with drugs to see what fried egg brain felt like. I’d hate to think Benicio Del Toro is going to get a whole bunch of boys from the Chess Club to start widespread raping in their schools because they got really curious as to this awesome taboo.

I like to look shit up when the government declares something an epidemic. Rape and sexual assault are down 58% in the past couple of decades thanks to a general decrease in violent crime and far stricter sentencing and monitoring of sex offenders. About 80% of sex offenders continue to be somebody known to the victim. And they continue to happen overwhelmingly in poor, rural areas. You know, where the drunk uncles watch lots of government PSAs on YouTube and want to make Obama happy. As long as everybody involved in the making of this PSA feels better, and un-raped, I declare this project a government stamped winner.