This weekend I had the privilege to watch a butcher at an international market carve up pork uterus into easy home cooking portions. Now I can forever more say shit like, yeah, that’s horrible, but not as bad as watching a guy slice up a pig’s uterus. Like this photo of Jaden Smith in the white batman costume he felt compelled to wear to Kim and Kanye’s wedding. It’s unclear why Jaden likes to be seen in public in trainable superhero costumes, the most important thing is that his parents allow his wild rumpuses to continue so as not to stunt his budding genius. Will Smith’s developmentally challenged son in the Kim and Kanye wedding photo booth isn’t so horrible. Even inviting in his fellow crystal cult member and platonic underaged sexual experimentation buddy Kylie Jenner isn’t all that horrible. But Joe Francis squeezing into the picture. That’s fucking pig uterus.
“I want that jury to know that each and every one of you are mentally fucking retarded, and you should be euthanized because, as Darwin said, you have naturally selected yourself. They should all be lined up and shot!” — Joe Francis to The Hollywood Reporter
Joe Francis speaks from the heart. Like suggesting the jurors who found him guilty of imprisonment and assault should be killed. His crime itself is really no worse than jaywalking if you jaywalked while also imprisoning and assaulting a couple women. But, now, after considering the consequences of shit talking a court jury prior to sentencing, Joe Francis has come to his senses. Or his attorney has come to Joe’s senses and got him to issue an apology letter for calling all the jury members a bunch of retards who deserved to die. And rightfully so. Anybody’s who’s ever served on a jury know they tend to run no more than 50% retard.
Paris Hilton used to hide cocaine in her vagina to sneak it past airport police when traveling, according to a new book. And also, just, according to common sense. It just seems like something she would do.
The book was written by former ‘Girls Gone Wild’ cameraman Ryan Simkin, and he claims ‘Girls’ founder Joe Francis once had him deliver cocaine to Hilton during a photoshoot for Seventeen magazine. After that, the Hollywood Reporter says…
Hilton was leaving for Europe, Simkin writes, and he alleges he brought her a little Camel cigarette box filled with cocaine and ecstasy for her trip.
“I asked if she was flying private, and she said, ‘No, commercial.’ And then as politely as I could, I asked her how she planned on traveling with that amount of blow and X,” Simkin writes in the book. “She held the box in her right hand, and then with an underhand swoop like a lower case J, she demonstrated exactly how she intended to beat airport security. She even whistled as she did it. A little alley-oop with the Camel Box, straight up her snatch. Classic.”
The only part I don’t believe is that this whore is tight enough to keep a small cigarette box inside of her. It would bounce around, she would sound like a rattle. She would still get caught because the cops would think she was smuggling a piggy bank.
MEL GIBSON – could be tried as a terrorist because of the threats he made against his girlfriend. It’s good news for Mel, since our pussy government refuses to ever take the gloves off and deal with terrorists. (fox news)
CHRISTINA MCLARTY – is an entertainment reporter in LA (kcal 9) and apparent daredevil bc yesterday she got engaged to Joe Francis. He’s the piece of shit who owns ‘Girls Gone Wild’ of course. His hobbies include rape and kicking girls in the face. He’s quite a catch. I almost wish I was a girl so I could marry him. (e!)
SPIDERMAN – has been cast. The reboot, directed by Marc Webb, will star Andrew Garfield. Jesus, what is this, a high school play? (la times)
ELIN NORDEGREN – will only be getting 100 million dollars in her divorce settlement with Tiger Woods, not the previously reported 750. So maybe now she’ll do that $500 dollar thing with the pictures and the tits. (tmz)
Everyone knows that law enforcement in Los Angeles is completely inept, with their incompetence surpassed only by their laziness, but today it soared to dangerously worthless new heights. Despite being able to watch the crime take place on videotape (here), the DA will not file any charges against anyone, not even Joe Francis, after he grabbed Jayde Nicole by her hair and threw her to the ground.
According to the report, the D.A. supports Joe’s claims that the surveillance video shows that Jayde “appears to have acted without immediate provocation.”
What. In the fuck. Does that mean? “Bitch had it comin”? She poured a drink on him so it’s okay for him to beat her ass? Who’s the DA, Chris Brown?
In conclusion, the D.A. thought “the interests of justice do not support the filing of criminal charges against any of the three suspects.”
A guy walked up behind a woman, grabbed her by the hair, then threw her to the ground. That’s littering at the very least. The cops and DAs in LA are so god damn lazy and stupid it’s terrifying. You can literally watch someone commit a violent crime and nothing is going to be done about it. It would be one thing if Jayde was unattractive, because ugly people aren’t as important or valuable as sexy people like me and Jayde, but she’s gorgeous. Just look at these shorts. And she wears stuff like this all the time. She’s like a beer commercial come to life.
As this video from radar online clearly shows, on August 28th of this year, scumbag Joe Francis stepped up behind perfect angel Jayde Nicole, grabbed her by the hair then flung her to the ground. After that it’s hard to see much, but Jayde – who works with pediatric cancer patients in her spare time – says the pornographer Francis punched and kicked her while she was on the ground.
Why would Joe Francis do this? Well because Jayde was on a murderous rampage and Joes life was at risk. Ah yes of course.
Francis claims he was innocently walking through a crowd of people at “Guys and Dolls” nightclub in Hollywood, when Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole suddenly struck him in the head, threw a drink on him and stated, “I’m going to kill you!”
Francis claims he was “startled and shocked” — but then he saw Jayde reaching for a bottle. In the docs, Francis claims “in fear and apprehension of being struck a third time and that Nicole was going to carry out her threat to kill him,” Joe grabbed Nicole’s hair in “self-defense.”
Joe claims Nicole fell to the ground — but only because she “lost her balance on her high heels.”
I wish there was some way to determine if Joe was telling the truth. Like a lie-detector test, but more reliable. I think a procedure called “Hit Joe Francis With A Baseball Bat” might work. Essentially, you take a baseball bat, then you hit Joe Francis with it. Then you ask him why he attacked Jayde like that. Of course, this sort of thing wouldn’t be admissible in court, not with all the pussies we have in the government these days.