Joe Jackson Can’t Get Face Time

By Matt September 01, 2014 @ 7:11 AM

Jack

Joe Jackson wrote a post on his website complaining that none of his relatives want to see him. He didn’t mention this is because many of them regularly appear on Oprah to acknowledge how he beat the crap out of them. Jackson lives in a modest condo in Vegas. He’s had four strokes. He probably deserves more. When he was recovering in the hospital Janet was the only one who visited him, probably in a failed attempt to pull the plug or raid his old sheet music for song ideas. Jackson ekes out a meager existence trying to cash in on his deceased son’s name, who stipulated in his will that Joe Jackson be escorted to an international territory where he could be lawfully murdered by chimps. Joe refuses to admit wrongdoing while copping a plea for the affection of those who hate him. My money says that strategy is likely to fail at the rate of Jackson’s nervous system. His only hope is that Jamie Foxx makes a Jackson biopic and pays Joe to reveal the secret of  getting his evil cartoon mustache so thin.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

The Jacksons will sue. Someone.

By brendon July 23, 2009 @ 12:17 PM

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After a series of private discussions, the Jackson family have decided to bury Michael to sue the people responsible for Michaels death. Just as soon as they figure out who that might be, if indeed it was anyone.  Radar Online says…

While the Jacksons are likely plaintiffs, it is unknown at this point who the defendant or defendants would be … family members are taking a hard look at the doctors who treated Michael and want to sue whether or not the doctors face criminal charges. (A source says), “They are determined to sue, even if there is no arrest.”
Joe Jackson is leading the family charge on this, says the source, but Jermaine, Tito, Marlon and LaToya are with him.

That may seem like an all-star team of retards, but they’re serious, and Joe has already filed paperwork with the courts announcing his intentions. Although the paperwork was just a drawing of Joe holding bags with dollar signs on them next to a stick figure of Michael with X’s for eyes. There was also a hot tub filled with “bitches”, and above all that was a plane and a fire-breathing dragon. It’s not clear if Joe plans on getting a dragon proof plane or a dragon to guard his plane or a dragon to attack other peoples planes, but keep in mind this was just the first draft.

Joe the Bulldog is on the case

By brendon July 21, 2009 @ 11:47 AM

(UPDATE NOTE – um, feel free to email me when I do things like post the wrong video. you’re supposed to stop me before I make an ass out of myself, ya know)

Joe Jackson was on Larry King last night, along with Eddie Murphy in character as “Joes Friend”, and these clips are awesome but not as good as the live show with captions because then you could watch that poor son of a bitch try to translate Joes mumbled gibberish into some language from earth.

In just the first two minutes he says “the fire truck was followin the amalance” and “I’m tortofa tough person myself”, and you know the caption typing guy just shit his pants, knowing full well he had 58 more minutes of this to come. I would have tapped out right there. The screen would have said, “Amalance? AMALANCE? C’mon WTF?”

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