‘Dark Shadows’ Has a Trailer, Suprise It’s Terrible

By author March 16, 2012 @ 10:00 AM

It’s no secret that Tim Burton no longer directs a film without casting his wife, Johnny Depp Helena Bonham Carter. There are a few other things that you can almost always count on from Tim, all of which appear in the new trailer for ‘Dark Shadows.’

- Recycled dark set pieces from ‘Edward Scissorhands,’ ‘Beetlejuice,’ ‘Batman,’ ‘Sleepy Hollow,’ ‘Sweeney Todd…’
- An awful, dry joke with a reaction shot of Johnny raising an eyebrow. (What a card!)
- 70′s funk and rock. Ok, admittedly this is not a consistent element of Burton’s films but warrants mention in this case because, seriously Barry fucking White?! At this point Depp should just be mugging directly to the camera with a line like “If they think Nixon is bad, wait’ll they get a loada me.”

Oh look, Eva Green is in this movie and has fantastic breasts, so at least there’s that.

(Image Source = Getty)

Johnny Depp feels Tonto would wear a crow for a hat

By brendon March 08, 2012 @ 3:12 PM

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Mega-Producer Jerry Bruckheimer has a twitter apparently, and this morning he posted the first look at Armie Hammer as Dan Reid and Johnny Depp as Tonto in ‘the Lone Ranger’, though if they wanted to call this a bio-pic about WCW superstar Sting or a very literal remake of ‘The Crow’, that would probably work too.

Johnny Depp is very spooky

By brendon January 20, 2012 @ 4:50 PM

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Warner Bros has released this picture of Johnny Depp in the Tim Burton version of ‘Dark Shadows’, where he apparently doesn’t even try to hide the fact that he’s a vampire. He’s as vampiry as anyone could ever look, short of just shape shifting into a bat and say “squeak squeak” for 2 hours. .

the Lone Ranger movie is back on

By brendon October 13, 2011 @ 10:47 AM

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Back in September, the Lone Ranger movie starring Johnny Depp as Tonto was shut down because Disney didn’t want to pay 250 million dollars to make a movie about Indian shape shifting werewolves. But now it’s back on, because paying 215 million to make a movie about Indian shape shifting werewolves is more reasonable. Hopefully that will still be enough to buy all the bronzer needed to make Johnny Depp look like an Indian.

source = variety

Johnny Depp thinks photo shoots are like rape

By brendon October 04, 2011 @ 4:23 PM

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Johnny Depp tells Vanity Fair this month that he doesn’t like photo shoots very much, and by that I mean he compares them to being raped.

“Well, you just feel like you’re being raped somehow. Raped … It feels like a kind of weird — just weird, man.” He’ll pose with fans, “But whenever you have a photo shoot or something like that, it’s like — you just feel dumb. It’s just so stupid.”

It would be easy to say he was exaggerating, but many photographers are gay, and Depp, though an astoundingly nice guy that everyone likes, doesn’t seem all that smart. Someone should get some puppets and go have Johnny explain EXACTLY what the photographer had him do.

every movie MUST have werewolves and/or vampires

By brendon August 16, 2011 @ 3:43 PM

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On Friday, Disney shut down production on a Lone Ranger movie starring Johnny Depp, produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and directed by Gore Verbinski, because the budget was already estimated at 250 million dollars. But before explaining how that’s possible, let’s quickly mention the Lone Ranger origin story, which is surprisingly bad ass.

Six Texas Rangers are ambushed by a band of outlaws led by Butch Cavendish. (Left for dead), a Native American named Tonto stumbles on the scene and recognizes the lone survivor, Dan Reid, as the man who had saved his life some time in the past. He nurses Reid back to health. The two men dig six graves for Reid’s comrades, among them Reid’s brother, and Reid fashions a black mask using material from his brother’s vest to conceal his identity.

After that they go get Cavendish. It’s a classic tale of justice and revenge, but according to Hollywood, if a movie doesn’t have Indian werewolves in it, how good could it really be? And so, according to Hollywood Elsewhere

A 3.29.09 draft of (the Lone Ranger) script makes it clear it was going to be at least partly about some kind of Native American wolfbeast tearing victims apart and leaving a bloody mess.

Now that’s more like it. Every movie should have werewolves all the time, everywhere, and all the old movies should have werewolves digitally added. If you’re a movie without a werewolf, fuck you.

“It was always going to be a big Bruckheimer CG movie with traditional Bruckheimer elements with an eye toward being a tentpole, totally Pirates-style.”
“It was never going to be a semi-traditional western…it was never going to be Zorro.”
“It was going to be a Tonto show mainly. Tonto as the top dog and more dominant than the Lone Ranger. Tonto and the Indian spirits like Obi Wan Kenobi and the force. The driving engine was going to be Native American occult aspects worked in with werewolves and special effects. But flavored with doses of Native American spirituality in a serious way.”

Yes, serious, I get that. The premise is very respectful. Indians are like Luke Skywalker, and sometimes they transform into wolf beasts and tear people apart. If you asked an Indian high priest to describe his religion, he couldn’t have said it any better.