Johnny Manziel Goes To Rehab

By Matt February 03, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

JM

It’s possible to hold down a barrister job or even be a Lyft driver as a functioning alcoholic. Not so much as an NFL quarterback in the digital media era. Johnny Manziel has finally entered rehab before his liver falls out of his body. His spokesman who laughs at all his jokes confirmed:

“Johnny knows there are areas in which he needs to improve in order to be a better family member, friend and teammate and he thought the offseason was the right time to take this step.”

We all certainly have areas in which we need to improve. I take shitty care of my house plants. I know that. I too am Johnny Football. Fans of the Cleveland Browns probably wish this had come before he checked into those games and sucked ass while his hands were shaking. Either way, better late than never. This should give Manziel a fighting chance of remaining in the league a couple lackluster years before he retires and joins Dennis Rodman on a permanent booze cruise around NoKo.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Johnny Manziel Seems On Point

By Lex January 05, 2015 @ 9:38 AM

Johnny Manziel Parties At A Miami Beach Pool New Years Eve
It’s easy to call out Johnny Manziel as being undedicated to his craft. It’s even easier to say, fuck yeah, I’d be partying and whoring around every day but Sunday if I could too. No offense to the girl in the picture, naturally. Whore. Manziel drinks too much and bangs too many ladies by whose standards? I guess the Browns could fire him. They hired him knowing this already. Plus they’re the Browns, they’re just happy to have any friends, let alone the cool Varsity captain with stories about how the head cheerleader’s snatch tastes. Complete strangers have the right to judge Manziel, and he has the right to muffle back a fuck you while some comely lass rides his dick and he polishes off a daiquiri through a crazy straw. I can tell you who Charlie Sheen thinks is winning in this picture.

Photo Credit: INF

Alcoholics Don’t Want Johnny Manziel

By Lex December 29, 2014 @ 11:38 AM

Skip-Bayless-Calls-Manziel-an-Alcoholic

Alcoholics don’t unite around much save for cheap ethanol and plastic shorts, but many seem pretty pissed that Skip Bayless in particular called out Johnny Manziel as an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a hapless disease, whereas Johnny Manziel chooses to drink himself into a regular stupor, affecting his work and personal life, and then lie about it when questioned. I think I get it. People with diseases deserve pity. Manziel deserves a a movie moment where he punches the wall then shaves his head and runs laps really hard.

It’s an affront not only to Manziel, but to the very serious disease of alcoholism. Trivializing it for a hot take is just the worst. Remember: Bill Simmons was suspended by ESPN for calling Roger Goodell a liar, now Bayless has called a player a liar AND an alcoholic.

Yeah, except Roger Goodell was a liar and Johnny Manziel’s been drinking steadily since high school. That’s not unusual for many of us Carl’s Jr. fry guys, but more unusual when you have tens of millions of dollars riding on you being sober and your family history says that might be a challenge. The Cowboys have a squadron of Eagle Scouts surrounding Dez Bryant at all times to control his inner gangster, the Browns might want to consider Al-Anonners with wretched stories whispering shit in Manziel’s ears while he slumbers on the floor of various Cuyahoga river area cathouses.

Johnny Manziel Almost Punched A Guy

By Matt November 25, 2014 @ 6:33 AM

Gonos

Johnny Manziel may or may not have punched a dude who was bothering him in the building he lives in. Some convicted felon and all around scumbag named Chris Gonos approached Manziel and asked him for a hug near the elevator while probably definitely not sober. At that point shit got weird and Manziel’s roommate punched the guy. Gonos says Manziel punched someone in his group but I don’t trust guys named Gonos. The most interesting part of this story is that Manziel has a roommate who no doubt sleeps in earmuffs as Manziel loudly slaps skins with every skank in Cleveland proper thrice nightly. If you’re sleeping in bunks and being paid by the NFL you may want to fire your agent. Manziel is not named as a suspect in the police report. Odds he bumps into Gonos and the two clear the air over an arm wrestling match and a few lines of blow in a Cleveland bathroom stall at some point remain high.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Johnny Football Got the Bieber Taint

By Lex July 01, 2014 @ 6:21 PM

johnny-manziel-bieber

The Cleveland Browns are fucked by forces not explained by the natural sciences. Seeing the salvation of your franchise hanging with Justin Bieber while the cops are banging on the door must feel like Hades is stirring the pot once more. Party face with Bieber is like bobbing for apples in a barrel full of herpes, there’s no way to weave that into a crazy Saturday night story without people no longer wanting to be your friend. I bet that guy in the Browns organization who said he didn’t care what Johnny Manziel did off the field wasn’t picturing him called ‘My boy” by Bieber on social media. Manziel’s been touched by the devil. Burn the body. Find Kosar.