Justin Bieber Wanted

By Matt November 14, 2014 @ 8:29 AM


Some judge in Argentina is one of the only people this side of twelve who still wants to talk to Justin Bieber. A year ago his bodyguards roughed up a photographer outside of a club who was there to take photos of a dude from local television who dresses like a snail. Now Biebs is wanted for questioning. It has taken this long to summon him due to the Argentine legal system’s strict policy of daily six hour siestas consisting of cheese and egg dishes and their civilized and highly evolved sangria chugging contests. Bieber can return to face questioning at which point he will either be subjected to a yearlong prison sentence or become Argentina’s president depending on what FARC is up to. Or he can just forget about going back there forever like most people who visit do the following week. I’d take my chances. He’s already up to his knees is questionably legal pussy. Why not move to a country where you won’t be a midget and the age of consent is lower? Your shitty songs may garner you some quality poon, You’re already a pariah so go hog wild. Argentina really is just Canada South. Goodbye, Justin, you’ll be missed.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Carmen Ortega Inspires Justin Bieber to Live For the Now

By Lex January 24, 2014 @ 4:41 PM

Carmen Ortega Shows Off Her Body On Instagram
Carmen Ortega has slept with a good number of athletes, so she knows a thing or two about the human condition. You don’t get to ball Reggie Bush and LeBron James and not come away with some insight on the male superstar psyche. Carmen spent 90 minutes with Justin Bieber at the King of Diamonds strip club earlier this week and she got a good feel for the misunderstood midget bard:

He really cares what people say. He was saying that all this attention is ruining his career. He was really sad.

It must be awful, always being made out to be the bad guy. It can’t be normal … I gave him the advice to enjoy the moment, the right now, and not think about it too much. He agreed and said: ‘You’re right.’

Inspired by Carmen’s carpe diem chide, Justin ordered $75K in single dollar bills so he could make it rain in the private dance room of the strip club. Later, he would get loaded on weed, booze, and pills and drove his Lamborghini up and down a residential street his dad closed off by authority of The Bieber Family of Ontario. Great job, Carmen. Who the fuck tells Justin Bieber just to live for the now? Wonderful advice, sweetheart. How about, live like you don’t want people to think you’re a total dick or live like you want to be alive at 25. Or just, at least drink hard enough to kill yourself.

Photo Credit: Carmen Ortega/Intagram

Chantel Jeffries Likes Her Cars Like She Likes Her Men, Tiny and Quick

By Lex January 23, 2014 @ 1:32 PM

Chantel Jefferies Drives Justin Bieber's Lambotghini Before He Gets A DUI
Chantel Jeffries is about to be famous. No, she wasn’t the third or fourth woman into space. She didn’t give birth to the Scientology reptile baby that will align the six galaxies. And, to date, her athlete and rapper loving vagina has not been confiscated by the NIH to model Obamacare services for immigrant street urchins. But she is the Miami party girl who Justin Bieber took on a drunken joyride in his $250,000 tricycle early this morning in Miami before being arrested. Now the entire world will know her name. Chantel they will say, sounds like a scientist. Speed makes her horny. It’s times like these that Mr. and Mrs. Jeffries wish the hideous sex diseases would go ahead and consume their daughter faster.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Sheriffs Raid Bieber House for Eggs and Cameras and Little Tiny Boy Tampons

By Lex January 14, 2014 @ 3:27 PM

Last week, Justin Bieber threw eggs at his neighbor’s house while the neighbor called him a mother fucker and a little bitch and other words that aren’t necessarily polite, but pretty accurate. There’s no real crime in Los Angeles since Robocop arrived, so a full eleven Sheriff deputy cars rolled up to Bieber’s house this morning with a search warrant related to the potential felony vandalism. They’re not looking for eggs, but rather the elaborate surveillance cameras Bieber has around his property to ensure that only invited guests make it into his home to sign the five million dollar confidentiality agreements about drug use and boy-boy sex. Once again, everybody is desperate to nail this little lesbian douche on some punk charge that will never stick. Maybe we’ll get lucky and one of the cops will plant some sales weight heroin in Biebers velvety sock drawer. Or Bieber will try to kung fu a deputy to earn his bones in the WhiteGirls4Eva street gang. Else wise, this Bieber incident will just cost him another $50K in legal fees he could care less about to make go away. Remember, this only gets fun when Justin cries real tears, as from pain or suffering or misplacing his lucky anal beads.

Update: Lil Za was taken away by police for drug possession at Bieber’s house. Hopefully the eleven man police armada will get to the bottom of who the fuck Lil Za is. I feel safer already.