There’s some kind of quiet dignity in being a colossal dick. An arrogant ass who doesn’t give a fuck about anybody but himself and how he’s feeling from moment to moment. Not those small time punks who piss and moan. I mean one ginormous a-hole who fucks everything he pleases, pisses on his sycophants, and reminds you how he can buy you several times over. Justin Bieber. It wasn’t noble, but it was definitely remarkable.
This Justin Bieber ‘I’ve changed’ nonsense is simply disheartening. It’s like popping in on Bin Laden and he’s tearfully watching Precious. You don’t want to shoot that guy in the head. You want to give him a hug. Bieber’s whispered apology for being an arrogant dick these past eighteen months (he checked his calendar apparently) just makes him pathetic. In the end, you’ve left us with nothing, Justin. Well played, you tatted up miniaturized fuck.
Justin Bieber isn’t the first douchebag to pose for himself in the mirror in between sets at the gym. He’s just the one small enough for me to ridicule. Vanity is every bit as natural to the human condition as taking a dump. Most people flush. Bieber is that special flower who has to admire his own ringlets of perfection. At some point the workouts and the tattoos and ordering of the big-ass bodyguards won’t be enough. Bieber’s going to end up in some off the map part of Bangkok cage fighting tigers. Unless they’ve got very tiny tigers, Bieber’s finally going to meet his match. It will all be for naught unless somebody gets decent audio.
Justin Bieber reached out from his pit of despair and Ferraris to Comedy Central to ask to be roasted on their recurring celebrity takedown specials. Most people agree to go on the roast because it’s great publicity and shows you can take lots of dick jokes about yourself. Justin Bieber wants the barbs to prove to the world he’s changed. According to every press release put out by his public relations team, he has truly changed. For one, he’s no longer short. Also, he’s cut back on the whores and picking fights and ordering his body guards to beat people down. He hasn’t challenged anybody to a jet race and then laughed when they said they had no jet in over a month. He’s maintaining a new serious face in public. And ordering Stephen Baldwin’s teen daughter to do the same when feeding her after sex. He certainly does seem different. Still, when you look over at Bieber after a solid midget joke and see him gritting his baby teeth, just know Jeffrey Ross that you probably have less than 48 hours to live.
Justin Bieber’s lawyers are threatening to sue a website comparing his teeny pre-Photoshopped dick to a real one. His Calvin Klein ad generated some attention because he looked abnormally jacked for a boy. The two photos tell conflicting stories, but I’m prone to believe the one which shows a normal and scrawny prepubescent guy and not Ellen on steroids. Well, Ellen on even more steroids. It’s certainly possible the site reverse photoshopped the Klein ad and also that 9-11 was a conspiracy between Jews and that guy who used to be Crazy Eddie who owed lots of back taxes. More than likely Bieber’s pecker doesn’t jut out at a 90 degree angle. You be the judge. Then spend more time with your children.
Lesbian troll doll Justin Bieber had to have his pubes painted on with Photoshop in his Calvin Klein underwear ads. At least that’s what Calvin convinced him as he also explained to Justin that Photoshop involved Calvin using his fingers and body paint. Fuck, I just gagged.
Sometimes you get to hating on somebody for so long you have to stop and ask yourself, why did I ever hate this person in the first place. It’s times like these I recommend a solid year in review of asshole photos of Justin Bieber. May we never forget.