Bieber Wrapped Cocaine Bust

By Lex April 01, 2013 @ 11:31 AM

As if things couldn’t get worse for the spitting teen lesbian, police last week made one of the biggest cocaine busts in history outside Vegas, snatching up a truck driver carrying $11 million worth of cocaine wrapped in both Justin Bieber and Hello Kitty wrapping paper. The police said that the bust itself was pretty simple. More difficult was the deputies being able to tell who was Justin Bieber and who was Hello Kitty. Yeah, I know, never pick on a man when he’s down, he might get up and be 5’4 and 115 pounds and covered in pussy tattoos.

Tags: justin bieber |

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Bieber to Be Prosecuted

By Steve G. April 01, 2013 @ 8:20 AM

According to TMZ, the 19-year-old singer will likely be facing criminal charges after allegedly spitting on and threatening his neighbor, who recently complained about Bieber’s reckless driving.

I hate when the law gets involved too early with these self-destructive celebrity twits. Better to let him think he’s above the law and wait for him to commit a serious felony where he can do some real time. All these ticky tack charges just prolong the time it will take to see Jesus and Zuel from cell block D help him rediscover his youthful falsetto. Let Bieber be Bieber and the Karmic raping will make the angels sing.

Tags: justin bieber |

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Ashley Benson Dumps Ryan Good; Why This Is Very Good

By Bill March 21, 2013 @ 9:30 AM

Ashley Benson has confirmed her split from year-long boyfriend, Ryan Good. It’s always good news when a hot girl becomes single. But it’s great news when Ryan Good loses something valuable. You probably don’t even know who this dude is, but you should, and then you can wish him ill will too.

Ryan Good was, is, officially, Justin Bieber’s ‘swagger coach’. When Usher was searching YouTube for ‘sexy underaged boys’ and discovered Justin Bieber, he realized that as tween-girl friendly as Justin was, he was just a dorky kid from Canada who wasn’t ready to be a true player. Enter Ryan Good. A douchy 20-something dude with tons of swagger. So much swagger that Usher and his team hired Ryan Good to shadow Justin’s every move, bunk with him 24×7, and teach him the ways of the swagger. The way to walk, to talk, to flash his gang signs, to give his cool shoutouts, how to dress, how to bend down and touch the hands of every 12-year old girl in his audience, while giving their horny housewife mom’s a salacious wink. Ryan Good helped turn Justin Bieber into Justin Bieber. It was like Ra’s al Ghul training Bane. Well, not like that at all, because that would make Bieber Bane, when in fact Bieber is just a 120-pound full-of-himself pussy with bangs.

Hey, look, there’s that swaggerific Ryan Good ginning up the young teen crowd in Paris at Bieber’s movie premiere. Dick.

Photo credits: Getty images

Tags: ashley benson, justin bieber, ryan good |

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Selena Kind Of Dissed Justin On Letterman Last Night

By Steve G. March 19, 2013 @ 12:07 PM

Selena Gomez was on Letterman last night. The conversation inevitably turned to her relationship with Justin Bieber. That’s where she released the Latin heat she’s been hiding all this time.

“No I’m single,” said Gomez. “I’m so good.”

As the crowd applauded the 20-year-old “Spring Breakers” star, the host continued with a recount of the last time Bieber was on his show.

“He said something, and I said something, and I made him cry.”" said Letterman.

Gomez laughed before saying, “well then, that makes two of us.”

After hearing this, Bieber leaped off his highchair and grabbed several crisp 100 dollar bills to wipe away his tears. He then grabbed his binky and his keys, and hopped into one of his 500,000 dollar cars and rode off to one of his three mansions to be alone with his thoughts. He must be so bummed, how will he ever find solace?

You don’t have to like the guy, but he’s worth about 19 times more than Gomez and that’s where true happiness comes from. Expensive things. I’d give anything to get paid what he does to be an untalented asshole. Hell, I pretty much do it for free here everyday. But first point to Selena I guess.

12 photos in gallery >

Tags: david letterman, justin bieber, selena gomez |

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Here Comes The Next Justin Bieber (VIDEO)

By Travis March 19, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

While it’s fun to make fun of Justin Bieber’s current mini-meltdown, as he runs around London shirtless and plays “Hold me back” with his giant bodyguards in front of the paparazzi, the guy actually came from humble beginnings by showcasing actual talent. He worked his ass off while his single mom supported his dream, and he was fortunate enough to catch the eye of Usher. The rest is just history for a 19-year old panty-soaking money machine.

But now, in an effort to find the next Justin Bieber, Sony is just skipping that whole “actual talent” part and going straight for the cloning process with a 12-year old Danish boy named Benjamin Lasnier.

Despite a musical background limited to YouTube lip-synchs, Lasnier – who made himself an idol without pretending to any talent at all – is now signed to Sony, working with top producers to crack America. But is there more to him than just a pretty face?

“Every talent starts from scratch,” says Sony A&R Mads Kjaergaard. If Lasnier can credibly establish himself and leverage his fanbase “there is no limit to where he could go”. (The Guardian)

This kid was given a record deal because he posts lip-syncing videos to YouTube and he has 750,000 followers on Instagram. It’s not even clear if he even had to single note before Sony threw a bag of cash at him. For all we know, his natural voice could sound like this hippo shitting, but it won’t matter because producers will just autotune and process his voice until he sounds decent enough to sell to little girls for $10 an album.

Welcome to the horrible future of pop music.

Tags: justin bieber, video |

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Justin Bieber Mocks Lindsay’s Broke-Ass

By Bill March 15, 2013 @ 8:18 AM

I’m inclined to give most unusually wealthy 19-year olds a break, because I know deep down that if I could’ve had that kind of power at 19, I would’ve been a wildly annoying prick too. We all would. It’s why God made 99.9% of teenagers broke and disenfranchised. It’s really best for everybody. But even among the spoiled and privileged, Justin Bieber is a special kind of asswipe.

After Justin got mocked online on Thursday for being the next childhood star fuckup like Lindsay Lohan, he went onto Instagram to brag about how much money he has and how busted drug-addled Lindsay is.