We’ve all had shitty jobs. I once had a job cleaning up vomit. They couched it, but that’s what it was. I’d take that again any day over following a tiny brat around and pretending he’s the shit. Justin Bieber isn’t the world’s worst skateboarder, he’s just the only one that has his entourage set up a perimeter for him outside Madison Square Garden so he can show off his tricks. The dudes on his payroll have to pretend he’s Tony Hawk reinventing the sport. Bieber performs some basic tricks before biting it because his first adult size t-shirt rolls down to his knees. Oh, man, you’re awesome! There it is! Fuck, how do you not want to step in front of every bus that passes?
Nothing says your work with the Lord isn’t being properly rewarded on Earth as when your eighteen year old daughter is taking the Bieber peen. Maybe Stephen Baldwin takes it as a test of faith. Like when the tax authorities come to your door with handcuffs because Jesus told you render zilch unto Caesar. If I found out that twat was taking my teen daughter on his jet to shmear at altitude I’d find murder in my heart. Little people go missing all the time.
Photo Credit: INF
In the spirit of the season, I’m solidly behind Justin Bieber bragging about the new jet he got for Christmas. Why drop tens of millions on your own personal aircraft if you can’t brag about it. It makes everybody else’s Porsche look really fucking weak. There are only three real ways to be gangster. Beat a man to death with your rings, ass fuck Nicki Minaj, or buy yourself a G6. Bieber quickly identified his only possible admissions criteria and he went for it. Selena Gomez got a lesbian chick with an expert tongue, Bieber got a fucking jet. Who wins now, pancake face?
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Justin Bieber’s internationally recognized homosexual procreator Jeremy Bieber is being accused of throwing a dog off a balcony as you would expect. Bieber and his Creed fan father bought the dog but never trained it since they are jointly selfish and dumb. The dog bit Justin’s younger brother and Bieber Sr. threw it off the balcony of the condo that his son bought for him against his will. Some animal rights guy named Trevor rescued the dog because that’s a lofty term animal people use to explain bringing shit home with them. This Trevor character is the only one who witnessed the assault on the dog. Just a theory but when you live outside of Buffalo and there is ten feet of snow on the ground, a second story fall doesn’t hold as much frozen water. I’m tempted to side with Trevor but he is filing a frivolous lawsuit against Justin and his forty year old frat pledge reject father so I’m torn into saying fuck all these people. Trevor wants compensation for his time looking after the dog. Given he is clearly unemployed this should equate to two boxes of Pop Tarts and reimbursement for his missed Judge Judy sessions which equates to zero much like everyone involved in this story.
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Justin Bieber met with a rabbi for three hours because those guys are really nice and generally bored and will talk to anyone for three hours or a year. He then hopped in a Rolls Royce and went to Spago like a guy in an 80′s movie who hits it big when his rich uncle dies. Bieber’s manager is appropriately Jewish and Bieber says he now says a Christian and a Jewish prayer before he performs to the culturally bankrupt with a bunch of skanks in booty shorts. It’s unclear how his quest to ‘learn to spread the word of God’ is going to manifest itself. My guess is an exceptionally shitty and gimmicky pan-spiritual album destined to be played around campfires while ten year olds get high on glue and talk about how cool Bieber’s misdemeanors are. You know, Justin, the best way to get closer to God is to go see him for yourself. Use the warm tub, you’ll barely feel the cut.
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Justin Bieber’s half-life is rapidly degenerating, as he is currently in seclusion on a religious retreat which might actually just mean rehab. His mission is to learn to spread the Word of God. Some pastor is coaching him through his spiritual enlightenment and probably trying to blow him on the side. Bieber has recently distanced himself from friends and associates which merely meant telling everybody he wasn’t paying their bills anymore, the exodus occurred swiftly thereafter. He is also sober and trying to avoid dangerous temptations like crack or recording bounce love songs. Either Bieber will fade into the mountains of Babylon muttering about salvation or make a flawless transition to Christian Radio where we will finally have the option to tune him out. He could start a cult based on some obscure verse and orgies which our kids will join. Nonetheless it looks like the storm has passed.
Photo Credit: Instagram