By Lex May 05, 2014 @ 5:31 PM
Athletes have always been superstitious. I was willing to back Floyd Mayweather on wanting little Ricky Schroeder redux in his corner to bring the leprechaun champ mojo, but when the two started taking selfies and tweeting teen love notes to each other and sharing videos of their joint pre-fight pedicures, I found myself picking up my imaginary sat phone and ordering an airstrike on all of Las Vegas. Fuck Britney and the hundreds of thousands of tubby innocents. I know what Bieber is getting out of his one and only social attachment to something resembling a man, what Mayweather sees in this unholy alliance between boxer and grinning Make-a-Wish stand-in, I do not know. I’m going to go ahead and assume there’s somebody being held in a basement somewhere.
By Travis April 29, 2014 @ 1:00 PM
While Justin Bieber has been trying so hard to prove to everyone how tough he is by dressing like the toughest mother fucker in high school at Coachella this month, his latest song is nothing but a whiny little ballad for all of his sad, horny tween fans. It’s almost impossible to decipher the lyrics for “We Were Born for This,” because the mix of autotune and pussy ache makes this track completely unbearable, but I’m sure that all of Justin’s fans already think it’s the greatest song ever written. All we can really hope for is that they catch on to the subtle remarks about sizzurp, and he’s arrested and charged as soon as the first kid slips into a coma.
By Jack April 28, 2014 @ 4:06 PM
Selena Gomez has been seen around town with the very pretty Orlando Bloom. The two were spotted canoodling outside of the Chelsea Handler live comedy show at the L.A. Forum where half of Hollywood were ordered to attend by their shared publicists. When the photogs spotted the new couple, Bloom darted away like he was prancing after marauding orcs. It’s possible that the two are having a good old fashioned revenge fuck. Lesbian troll doll Justin Bieber is rumored to have boffed Legolas’ ex-wife Miranda Kerr back when they were still together and when having sex with Justin Bieber still meant something to a foreign model. It’s possible that Orlando and Selena are getting their vengeance by bumping petite uglies. It’s also possible Orlando mistook Selena for one of the many twink Mexican sex workers who were enjoying a particularly prolific evening with the Chelsea Handler demographic out behind the Forum.
By Travis April 25, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Swaggy little mouth-breather and wannabe tough guy Justin Bieber was detained by U.S. Customs on his return trip to Los Angeles from Singapore yesterday, and he was reportedly questioned for five hours before he was released. It’s pretty safe to assume that the reason he was held was drugs, because the weed-smoking, syzzurp-drinking douchebag doesn’t take a trip to Singapore unless drugs and whores are involved, and if he hadn’t already tried it before, Justin has likely made the jump to the cocaine stage of his career meltdown. But I don’t like to speculate that much, so let’s just stick to the facts that Justin was detained by Customs and eventually released, so he could get back to his home in Atlanta and shit out the balloons of heroin that he brought back to share with his new ladyboy lovers.
By Jack April 21, 2014 @ 2:46 PM
The White House will not be deporting the world’s tiniest genius Justin Bieber back to Canada. A petition on the White House website received the requisite 100,000 signatures to get an official response from the government. The petition said that the effeminate floppy-haired turd was a danger to the people of the United States with all of his drunk driving and singing shitty music. Since he’s not an American citizen he is technically Canada’s problem. But the White House said,
“Sorry to disappoint, but we won’t be commenting on this one. To avoid the appearance of improper influence, the White House may decline to address certain procurement, law enforcement, adjudicatory, or similar matters properly within the jurisdiction of federal departments or agencies, federal courts, or state and local government in its response to a petition.”
In other words, our online petition to the President website is just a fucking ruse to pretend we care. We’re not actually going to do shit about the sentiment in the street, no matter if it be projectile firing Bieber back to his maple syrup dripping country of origin, or something more serious, like figuring out how to get Michelle to wear less in her fitness videos. All of which points to the need for a little vigilante justice. No, not killing Bieber with silver stakes. I mean, if that happens, it happens. But there’s no reason why a group of dudes on a dare can’t stow the economy sized douche in one of their trunks and drive him northward until they need chains and drop him the fuck off the side of the road with a stern warning never to come back. Three million government workers can’t get done in a year what a roided out dude named Tony can do with six cans of Monster Energy and a full tank of gas.
By Travis April 15, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
While the big news of Coachella was the reunion of Outkast and one of the biggest surprises was Beyonce joining her sister, Solange Knowles, on stage during her set, nothing at that stupid, overrated music festival made me happier than seeing Justin Bieber join Chance the Rapper on stage. They’ve apparently collaborated on a song in the past and that makes them best friends or something, but I don’t give a shit about their history or songs. What I care about is looking at these photos and video of Justin thinking that he’s a hard ass gangster mother fucker with his bandanas and tattoos, while knowing that he’s closer than ever to getting the shit kicked out of him when he says the wrong things to the wrong people or wears the wrong things in the wrong city. One way or another, things are going to end terribly for this dipshit, and we just all need to sit back and wait for it to happen with giant fucking smiles on our faces.
Photo Credits: Getty