God, Justin Bieber, what a fucking rockstar. I need an adult diaper my coochie’s so wet thinking about all the manly-man things he could do to me with that lil’ eyeliner highlighted peen of his. That short skinny little body with some Jesus street ink, and now he smokes weed and drives a Lamborghini. Fuuuuuuucccckkkk. That’s hot.

In Justin’s latest bid to show the world just how big his tiny nuts are, he followed in Miley Cyrus and Rihanna’s footsteps and shaved half his head in a new look I can only describe as the “Carpet Muncher Skrillex.”

Say what you will about Britney Spears, but if you’re a pop star looking to shave your head, go balls deep and do it like Brit did. Take the eraser and shave all your hair off yourself, then get photographed with the facial expression of Carrie at the prom covered in pig’s blood while being carried out strapped to a gurney. Biebs just paid a shit ton of money for some hairstylist to shave off part of his hair so he could look even more like the 8th grade girl who everybody kindly calls ‘eclectic’. Dick.

As if things couldn’t get worse for the spitting teen lesbian, police last week made one of the biggest cocaine busts in history outside Vegas, snatching up a truck driver carrying $11 million worth of cocaine wrapped in both Justin Bieber and Hello Kitty wrapping paper. The police said that the bust itself was pretty simple. More difficult was the deputies being able to tell who was Justin Bieber and who was Hello Kitty.  Yeah, I know, never pick on a man when he’s down, he might get up and be 5’4 and 115 pounds and covered in pussy tattoos.

According to TMZ, the 19-year-old singer will likely be facing criminal charges after allegedly spitting on and threatening his neighbor, who recently complained about Bieber’s reckless driving.

I hate when the law gets involved too early with these self-destructive celebrity twits. Better to let him think he’s above the law and wait for him to commit a serious felony where he can do some real time. All these ticky tack charges just prolong the time it will take to see Jesus and Zuel from cell block D help him rediscover his youthful falsetto. Let Bieber be Bieber and the Karmic raping will make the angels sing.