God, Justin Bieber, what a fucking rockstar. I need an adult diaper my coochie’s so wet thinking about all the manly-man things he could do to me with that lil’ eyeliner highlighted peen of his. That short skinny little body with some Jesus street ink, and now he smokes weed and drives a Lamborghini. Fuuuuuuucccckkkk. That’s hot.
In Justin’s latest bid to show the world just how big his tiny nuts are, he followed in Miley Cyrus and Rihanna’s footsteps and shaved half his head in a new look I can only describe as the “Carpet Muncher Skrillex.”
Say what you will about Britney Spears, but if you’re a pop star looking to shave your head, go balls deep and do it like Brit did. Take the eraser and shave all your hair off yourself, then get photographed with the facial expression of Carrie at the prom covered in pig’s blood while being carried out strapped to a gurney. Biebs just paid a shit ton of money for some hairstylist to shave off part of his hair so he could look even more like the 8th grade girl who everybody kindly calls ‘eclectic’. Dick.
Would you let teen lesbian Justin Bieber give you a tattoo? Would you let a dude with leprosy give you a prostate exam? Meh, there are just some things that sound so fucking wrong from the get-go. No need to think your shit out or talk to the peeps or sleep on it. But tattoo artist to the fucked up stars, BangBang, just doesn’t give a shit. He lets the troubled divas who haunt his establishment take a lick at inking his leg. Which I guess is a thing that you could pawn off as being super fucking cool if Marley and Morrison are etching their dank designs on your leg, but Justin Bieber coloring a cartoon character with the name ‘Swaggy’? I’d rather have a hipster Chinese symbol and flaring hep-C. If Bieber thinks his tattoo work is going to get him some street cred on the inside, good luck. He’s better off with a Helvetica font tat above his ass that reads, ‘Don’t rape me here and earn $10K.
Chris Brown is an asshole version of Nanny McPhee. When you don’t need him and don’t want him, he’ll be there. (Yes, I did just make a Nanny McPhee reference. No, I don’t want to tell you how I know that.)
Brown compared himself to Bieber, saying the press has used both of them as punching bags. “With [Justin], it’s a case of how I feel. It’s being young, having limitless amount of income for whatever you want to do as a young guy. And then, at the same time, you don’t have nobody that’s gonna say, ‘Hey, bruh, you look whack right now.’”
Well that clears that up, he just didn’t know he couldn’t beat a woman unconscious because he has money. So next time Chris Brown decides to step out with a young lady and she complains that he…
“…punched her in the left eye with his right hand (and) continued to punch her in the face… The assault caused her mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle.”
…someone should pull him aside and tell him that he looks pretty whack right now. Chris they actually make a little remedy to cure this kind of stupidity, it’s called a Colt .45, suck on one. Rihanna can write a sad ballad about your tragic end and become even more famous. Then you’ll finally be even.
As if things couldn’t get worse for the spitting teen lesbian, police last week made one of the biggest cocaine busts in history outside Vegas, snatching up a truck driver carrying $11 million worth of cocaine wrapped in both Justin Bieber and Hello Kitty wrapping paper. The police said that the bust itself was pretty simple. More difficult was the deputies being able to tell who was Justin Bieber and who was Hello Kitty. Yeah, I know, never pick on a man when he’s down, he might get up and be 5’4 and 115 pounds and covered in pussy tattoos.
I hate when the law gets involved too early with these self-destructive celebrity twits. Better to let him think he’s above the law and wait for him to commit a serious felony where he can do some real time. All these ticky tack charges just prolong the time it will take to see Jesus and Zuel from cell block D help him rediscover his youthful falsetto. Let Bieber be Bieber and the Karmic raping will make the angels sing.
Ashley Benson has confirmed her split from year-long boyfriend, Ryan Good. It’s always good news when a hot girl becomes single. But it’s great news when Ryan Good loses something valuable. You probably don’t even know who this dude is, but you should, and then you can wish him ill will too.
Ryan Good was, is, officially, Justin Bieber’s ‘swagger coach’. When Usher was searching YouTube for ‘sexy underaged boys’ and discovered Justin Bieber, he realized that as tween-girl friendly as Justin was, he was just a dorky kid from Canada who wasn’t ready to be a true player. Enter Ryan Good. A douchy 20-something dude with tons of swagger. So much swagger that Usher and his team hired Ryan Good to shadow Justin’s every move, bunk with him 24×7, and teach him the ways of the swagger. The way to walk, to talk, to flash his gang signs, to give his cool shoutouts, how to dress, how to bend down and touch the hands of every 12-year old girl in his audience, while giving their horny housewife mom’s a salacious wink. Ryan Good helped turn Justin Bieber into Justin Bieber. It was like Ra’s al Ghul training Bane. Well, not like that at all, because that would make Bieber Bane, when in fact Bieber is just a 120-pound full-of-himself pussy with bangs.
Hey, look, there’s that swaggerific Ryan Good ginning up the young teen crowd in Paris at Bieber’s movie premiere. Dick.