Justin Bieber Thinks He’s James Dean Now

By Travis March 24, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Justin Bieber makes the same stupid, confused face in every picture he takes, as he looks like a cross between a guy who hasn’t taken a shit in 20 years and someone who can’t find his car in a supermarket parking lot. He proved that when he found an old photo of James Dean that we’ve all seen a million times before, and Justin wanted to take a picture just like it, because he, too, is a young rebel who plays by his own rules. But while James actually smiled in his photo, Justin still had to play it really cool and look like he just walked into an airport bathroom and couldn’t believe the smell. Justin also had to make sure he held his watch up like he’s never made a natural gesture in his life, because that’s how all of his black friends tell him the real ballers act, before he leaves the room and they say, “I can’t believe this dipshit gives us all his money to hang out with him.” But sure, Justin, you’re just like James Deen. Let’s just hope no one spoils the ending of that story for him.

Justin Bieber Settles Egging Case

By Jack March 19, 2014 @ 2:38 PM

Lesbian lesser born hobbit Justin Bieber is trying to make a plea deal with his neighbor’s lawyers over the infamous egging incident. The LA County DA asked to meet with Bieber’s undead lawyer Howard Weitzman to discuss the deal. Basically the miniaturized shit eating cock weasel will pay 20K in property damage to his neighbor’s property and call it even. You’ll recall that Bieber and some of his multicultural Barney and friends posse egged his neighbor’s house a few months back because the neighbor asked Bieber to please stop being such an inconsiderate asshole. How the fuck he caused $20,000 worth of damage with eggs is as mysterious as which set of genitals Bieber is sporting. This kind of cash money deal is pretty common, especially with celebrity dicks like Bieber who throw down three times as much dough in an hour at a strip club. In a more civilized society, like, say, Afghanistan, they’d hog tie the tiny douche and allow three randy billy goats to gruff him up the ass while he cried out that he deserves respect as an artist. Call it harsh, but you know you’d watch.

Seth Rogen Called Justin Bieber ‘A Piece Of Shit’ (VIDEO)

By Travis March 14, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Seth Rogen and Dave Franco were guests on a special edition of Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live at SXSW on Wednesday night, and host Andy Cohen made sure to dig up Seth’s distaste for the antics of douchebag dipshit singer Justin Bieber. Specifically, Andy asked Seth his opinion of Justin and he didn’t hold back in letting us all know that he thinks the prince of pop and mop bucket pissing is an arrogant little nut sore. My words, not his. Seth’s words are much more to the point and accurate, as even Dave Franco agrees with him. Whatever, we’re all correct.

Justin Bieber And Selena Gomez Are Having The Sex Again (VIDEO)

By Travis March 11, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Now that he’s done showing all the lawyers and Katie Courics out there that he doesn’t have time for their questions as he looks to further detriment his career, Justin Bieber is letting the rest of the world know that Selena Gomez is his one and only. While he’s since deleted the video, Justin posted this clip of him and Selena practicing a very sensual dance routine on Instagram, and these two just seem to be made for each other. In fact, if we could place them inside their own vault and sink it to the bottom of the ocean, they could live happily ever after with each other for the rest of their lives. Of course, the vault would probably break and open up as they descended through a school of starving sharks, and that would just be unfortunate. But at least they’d still be in love.

Justin Bieber Can’t Be Broken (VIDEO)

By Lex March 10, 2014 @ 6:21 PM

It’s hard to imagine thinking Justin Bieber is more of a douche nugget than before, but watching this compilation of his Judd Nelson in Breakfast Club canned disaffection during a civil deposition elevates this Lollipop Guild thuglifer to an entirely new level of imp status. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that he’s high or that he’s trying to imitate how he thinks a tough guy acts when being questioned, but we need to arrange for some of those kindergarten tykes in Krav Maga to hammer strike him to the nads until he’s back across the border in Canada.

Don’t Ask Justin Bieber About Selena Gomez

By Travis March 07, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Whiny jail pisser and douchebag dad enabler Justin Bieber had to sit in a deposition in Miami yesterday for 4 ½ hours, relating not to the drag racing and alleged drunk driving incident but the time that he allegedly ordered his bodyguard to attack a photographer last June. The lawyer for the paparazzi seemed like he was trying to intentionally push Bieber’s buttons to make him act like a total shithead, as TMZ reported that it totally worked. After asking about his relationship with Selena Gomez several times and whether or not she was there when the photographer was attacked, Bieber and his lawyer stood up and walked out of the room while Canada’s Mighty Mouse shouted, “Don’t ask me about her!”

After they returned from a syzzurp session in the Bieb’s SUV, the singer acted like an even bigger hardass, arguing the difference between “Yeah” and “Yes” and by calling the opposing lawyer Katie Couric after he asked another question. The good news out of all of this is that the writers for Franklin and Bash have at least two episodes of fresh material for next season.

Photo Credit: Getty