By Jack April 21, 2014 @ 2:46 PM
The White House will not be deporting the world’s tiniest genius Justin Bieber back to Canada. A petition on the White House website received the requisite 100,000 signatures to get an official response from the government. The petition said that the effeminate floppy-haired turd was a danger to the people of the United States with all of his drunk driving and singing shitty music. Since he’s not an American citizen he is technically Canada’s problem. But the White House said,
“Sorry to disappoint, but we won’t be commenting on this one. To avoid the appearance of improper influence, the White House may decline to address certain procurement, law enforcement, adjudicatory, or similar matters properly within the jurisdiction of federal departments or agencies, federal courts, or state and local government in its response to a petition.”
In other words, our online petition to the President website is just a fucking ruse to pretend we care. We’re not actually going to do shit about the sentiment in the street, no matter if it be projectile firing Bieber back to his maple syrup dripping country of origin, or something more serious, like figuring out how to get Michelle to wear less in her fitness videos. All of which points to the need for a little vigilante justice. No, not killing Bieber with silver stakes. I mean, if that happens, it happens. But there’s no reason why a group of dudes on a dare can’t stow the economy sized douche in one of their trunks and drive him northward until they need chains and drop him the fuck off the side of the road with a stern warning never to come back. Three million government workers can’t get done in a year what a roided out dude named Tony can do with six cans of Monster Energy and a full tank of gas.
By Travis April 15, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
While the big news of Coachella was the reunion of Outkast and one of the biggest surprises was Beyonce joining her sister, Solange Knowles, on stage during her set, nothing at that stupid, overrated music festival made me happier than seeing Justin Bieber join Chance the Rapper on stage. They’ve apparently collaborated on a song in the past and that makes them best friends or something, but I don’t give a shit about their history or songs. What I care about is looking at these photos and video of Justin thinking that he’s a hard ass gangster mother fucker with his bandanas and tattoos, while knowing that he’s closer than ever to getting the shit kicked out of him when he says the wrong things to the wrong people or wears the wrong things in the wrong city. One way or another, things are going to end terribly for this dipshit, and we just all need to sit back and wait for it to happen with giant fucking smiles on our faces.
Photo Credits: Getty
By Lex April 11, 2014 @ 3:23 PM
Proving that absolutely all rehab is a waste of time, Selena Gomez completely forsook her Bad Boys and Bad Habits rehab lessons from January and has fled back to be with her tiny Canadian Svengali. I don’t know at what age girls stop running to the boy that everybody tells them is a lesbian midget horror show. Apparently Selena still has some daddy demons left to exorcise. Back in the day you could count on annoying rock and roll drug fueled relationships to end in a Sid and Nancy quick burial. But now these choreographed midgets are drinking cough syrup and soda and smoking salvia and other things that simply won’t kill you quickly enough to make you interesting. Wake me when there’s a suicide.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Jack April 07, 2014 @ 3:18 PM
Pug-faced troll doll Justin Bieber can add wrecking a Walmart to his douchey resume. It seems that the tiny tyke was visiting his home town of Stratford, Ontario when he decided to go to the town’s center of arts and culture: Walmart. Then, according to an eyewitness, Bieber totally wrecked the place. He and his thirty person entourage showed up at the discount store and bounced balls in the toy department, opened food they didn’t pay for, sexually harassed the mouth breathing trollops, and generally behaved like assholes. The good folks at Walmart decided to just let Justin have his fun since Bieber is like a little midget god unto the people of Stratford. This is kind of like the old bull in the china shop bit, but the bull is a short privileged lesbian and the china shop is box store with very low self esteem.
By Travis March 31, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Justin Bieber emerged from a crop of underwhelming nominees to win the honor of Fan’s Choice at the Juno Awards last night, but it didn’t really seem like the fans gave a shit about him. Probably off dealing with his legal troubles, Justin didn’t even bother showing up to the Junos, where he could have possibly issued a statement to the world, like, “I’m sorry for the negative attention” or “Everyone can suck my tiny balls.” But someone named Serena Ryder stuck up for him as she accepted her own Juno Award, telling the crowd that had just booed Justin that she thinks he’s “an amazing musician and he deserved every bit of that award, because he’s been working his ass off his entire life and we need to support how awesome he is.” It’s a shame the crowd used up all of its booing on Justin, because it seems like Serena could have used a little, too.
By Travis March 24, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Justin Bieber makes the same stupid, confused face in every picture he takes, as he looks like a cross between a guy who hasn’t taken a shit in 20 years and someone who can’t find his car in a supermarket parking lot. He proved that when he found an old photo of James Dean that we’ve all seen a million times before, and Justin wanted to take a picture just like it, because he, too, is a young rebel who plays by his own rules. But while James actually smiled in his photo, Justin still had to play it really cool and look like he just walked into an airport bathroom and couldn’t believe the smell. Justin also had to make sure he held his watch up like he’s never made a natural gesture in his life, because that’s how all of his black friends tell him the real ballers act, before he leaves the room and they say, “I can’t believe this dipshit gives us all his money to hang out with him.” But sure, Justin, you’re just like James Deen. Let’s just hope no one spoils the ending of that story for him.