Lesbian Fraggle Justin Bieber was busted this morning for driving like an asshole in his Calabasas neighborhood. See, due to previous incidences of him driving like a dick and the fact that, oh I don’t know, he doesn’t have a valid California driver’s license, he isn’t supposed to be driving at all. For once Biebs apparently cooperated with the cops who fined him for driving without a license and running a stop sign. Bieber really is in no way trying to fit in in the rich gated community of Calabasas. What with him driving like a dick weasel, spitting on neighbors, and generally acting like a cock monkey. I wish the penalty for driving without a license and being Justin Bieber were harsher than a fine. Like crucifixion or being deported back to Canada. But not the part of Canada where people actually live or they have hockey teams. The fucking tundra up north where he’ll be impaled by a narwhal or raped to death by a polar bear. Too much? Not even close.
When asked if he has advice for Justin Bieber, Leif Garrett might consider saying something like, ‘As a drug abuser, alcoholic, and ex-con for the past thirty years, I’m the last person to be giving anybody advice.” But, instead, he went with this.
“Do not believe your own publicity. Sussing out who your real friends are is full-time work. Every scum bag, every drug dealer, every chicken hawk wants a piece of you.”
I can’t help but feeling Leif is describing his own life, like just this past week. Leif also advised people to feed their pets vegan friendly diets and urged the Muslim Brotherhood to lay down their rebel arms in Egypt and seek a political solution. Once you tell an addict that their opinion matters, you can’t put that genie back in the bottle.
Photo credit: Getty Images, and, yeah, that is a teenaged Nicolette Sheridan
Mark Wahlberg recently sat down with the Sun to talk about his new film, 2 Guns, and he was asked his opinion on the recent troubles of pop star and bucket-pisser Justin Bieber, who is also currently being accused of assault. Mark jokingly told Bieber in a British accent, “Be a nice boy, pull your trousers up, make your mum proud, yeah? Stop smoking all that weed, you little bastard” before telling everyone to lay off and let the teenager be a teenager.
And Mark knows a thing or two about being a rambunctious teen, because he also got into his fair share of fights. Like the time that he knocked a Vietnamese guy out with a stick and called him a “Vietnamese fucking shit” or the time he sucker-punched another Vietnamese guy and left him blind in one eye. In fact, if Justin wants us to lay off, he should just let Mark keep sticking up for him.
(Photo Credit: Getty)
Justin Bieber rubbed his baby like peen on a fan’s phone after she threw it onstage as a sign of being really fucking stupid. The incident happened last week at a concert at the Prudential Center in New Jersey. It seems that future Jersey bar trolls were throwing personal items on the stage in the middle of Bieber’s making of the art. When the little Lesbian Fraggle told them to ‘refrain from throwing shit and mucking up his magic, some girl thought it was a good idea to throw her expensive ass iPhone at the musical genius. Bieber stuck it down his pants and rubbed it on his junk and then proceeded to gift it to another fan. This event might seem entirely unremarkable, but a thousand years from now when historians are sifting through the plague ridden ruins of the early 2000′s civilization, they will cite New Jersey as the epicenter of the plague that would wipe out 2/3 of the human population. But, then, we always knew it would be Jersey.
Authorities seized some drugs on Bieber’s tour bus as they crossed the Canadian border last night toward Detroit. The police dogs were somehow able to sniff out marijuana through the stench of mousse, Axe Body Spray, and Astroglide. There were some weed pipes and bongs and a little bit of the dank. The cops slapped a citation on the driver and let them go. Bieber wasn’t on the bus at the time so there is no way to pin it on him. It’s kind of smart of the lesbian Fraggle, if you think about it. Make one bus the drug den and then ride around on the anal Sybian in the other one. In summary, Bieber is not as dumb as you think he his. And I am running out of Bieber is a gay little fairy princess jokes.
Co-host of The Talk, judge for the U.K.’s X Factor and all-around honest, old bitch Sharon Osbourne recently did an interview with The Daily Beast, and in between ripping Anthony Weiner and praising Mariah Carey, Ozzy’s wife took a few moments to spit hot fire at Kanye West and Justin Bieber for basically being massive douchebags.
Of Kanye, she said, “… he’s an average-looking man with an average talent, but he’s a great salesman” and stated the more-than-obvious that he’s his own No. 1 fan. As for Justin, she claims that she feels bad for him as he tries so hard to be a tough bad boy, calling him “mean as a fuckin’ kitten” while reminding everyone that very few teen stars make the transition to adult very well.
Of course, Sharon wasn’t asked for her opinion of herself, because if she ever answers that question, she’d have to return to hell to once again serve as one of Satan’s hemorrhoids.
(Photo Credit: Getty)