Justin Bieber Got a Jet For Christmas

By Lex December 26, 2014 @ 12:36 PM

In the spirit of the season, I’m solidly behind Justin Bieber bragging about the new jet he got for Christmas. Why drop tens of millions on your own personal aircraft if you can’t brag about it. It makes everybody else’s Porsche look really fucking weak. There are only three real ways to be gangster. Beat a man to death with your rings, ass fuck Nicki Minaj, or buy yourself a G6. Bieber quickly identified his only possible admissions criteria and he went for it. Selena Gomez got a lesbian chick with an expert tongue, Bieber got a fucking jet. Who wins now, pancake face?

Photo credit: Asshole on Twitter

Justin Bieber’s Dad Seems Like a Dick Too

By Matt December 02, 2014 @ 6:16 AM

Biebs dad

Justin Bieber’s internationally recognized homosexual procreator Jeremy Bieber is being accused of throwing a dog off a balcony as you would expect. Bieber and his Creed fan father bought the dog but never trained it since they are jointly selfish and dumb. The dog bit Justin’s younger brother and Bieber Sr. threw it off the balcony of the condo that his son bought for him against his will. Some animal rights guy named Trevor rescued the dog because that’s a lofty term animal people use to explain bringing shit home with them. This Trevor character is the only one who witnessed the assault on the dog. Just a theory but when you live outside of Buffalo and there is ten feet of snow on the ground, a second story fall doesn’t hold as much frozen water. I’m tempted to side with Trevor but he is filing a frivolous lawsuit against Justin and his forty year old frat pledge reject father so I’m torn into saying fuck all these people. Trevor wants compensation for his time looking after the dog. Given he is clearly unemployed this should equate to two boxes of Pop Tarts and reimbursement for his missed Judge Judy sessions which equates to zero much like everyone involved in this story.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Justin Bieber Continues Spiritual Quest

By Matt November 21, 2014 @ 7:11 AM


Justin Bieber met with a rabbi for three hours because those guys are really nice and generally bored and will talk to anyone for three hours or a year. He then hopped in a Rolls Royce and went to Spago like a guy in an 80′s movie who hits it big when his rich uncle dies. Bieber’s manager is appropriately Jewish and Bieber says he now says a Christian and a Jewish prayer before he performs to the culturally bankrupt with a bunch of skanks in booty shorts. It’s unclear how his quest to ‘learn to spread the word of God’ is going to manifest itself. My guess is an exceptionally shitty and gimmicky pan-spiritual album destined to be played around campfires while ten year olds get high on glue and talk about how cool Bieber’s misdemeanors are. You know, Justin, the best way to get closer to God is to go see him for yourself. Use the warm tub, you’ll barely feel the cut.

Photo Credit: Instagram

The Day the Music Died

By Matt November 19, 2014 @ 7:55 AM


Justin Bieber’s half-life is rapidly degenerating, as he is currently in seclusion on a religious retreat which might actually just mean rehab. His mission is to learn to spread the Word of God. Some pastor is coaching him through his spiritual enlightenment and probably trying to blow him on the side. Bieber has recently distanced himself from friends and associates which merely meant telling everybody he wasn’t paying their bills anymore, the exodus occurred swiftly thereafter. He is also sober and trying to avoid dangerous temptations like crack or recording bounce love songs. Either Bieber will fade into the mountains of Babylon muttering about salvation or make a flawless transition to Christian Radio where we will finally have the option to tune him out. He could start a cult based on some obscure verse and orgies which our kids will join. Nonetheless it looks like the storm has passed.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Bieber The Preacher And Shit Around The Web

By Michael November 18, 2014 @ 12:00 PM


Lesbian recording artist and also just artist Justin Bieber has found Jesus and wants to preach the word. He claims he’s giving up the drugs and sex and possibly even the fighting like a pussy. I have no problem with the sinners turning saintly, but we still need to martyr the punkish little ones.

The power of Justin compels you! (TMZ)

Catherine Heigl explains why Shonda Rhimes (and everyone else) thinks she’s a cunt. (Huffington Post)

Nina Agdal rides a bike and it makes me sweaty. (Drunken Stepfather)

Lana Zacocela is all kinds of hot in lingerie. (Hollywood Tuna)

This is Olga Estupian and I want to Estupian her vagina. (Popoholic)

Jose Canseco is selling the gun with which he shot off his finger. (The Superficial)

Another day, another hot pic of Alessandra Ambrosio in a bikini. (COED)

Bieber Got Some Splaining To Do And Shit Around The Web

By Michael November 14, 2014 @ 12:00 PM


Lesbian midget doll Justin Bieber is being summoned back to Argentina regarding his entourage beating people up in a nightclub. I can’t wait for him to get put in an Argentine jail where he will meet Jesus… a big hairy dude named Jesus.

Read all about Bieber being The America’s Most Wanted. (TMZ)

Bored moms everywhere will be flicking their beans to the new Fifty Shades of Grey trailer. (Huffington Post)

Sara Malakul Lane shows off her covered topless body. (Drunken Stepfather)

Jennifer Akerman’s tits can be used as a floatation device in a hot tub. (Hollywood Tuna)

Kate Upton’s titties are featured in the Game of War-Fire Age trailer. (Popoholic)

Michelle Lewin’s ass is glorious. (The Superficial)

Charlotte McKinney and her underboob star in this Instagram pic. (COED)