By Lex September 02, 2014 @ 11:04 AM
Justin Bieber is one of those drunk hicks on Cops who thought he was shooting a possum that turned out to be his mildly retarded older brother, Billy. Except he’s that dumbass with $100 million in the bank. Which means he’s a dangerous fucking idiot weapon. Bieber got arrested again, this time in rural Canada. He crashed his ATV with both he and Selena Gomez in the bitch seat into a mini-van. Naturally, he started threatening the mini-van occupants with his hair products. Canada is not big enough for Justin Bieber and you.
If you know anything about minivan occupants, you can only imagine the toughies he was challenging to impress his woman. I remember being arrested once in my youth for a minor offense and being run through the ringer. Bieber seems to be on about number seven here and he’s likely to get ‘must sing Anne Murray song at Edmonton Oilers half time show’ as the full extent of his punishment. I’m starting to fall in line with the true believers who always spout that ‘God will call him to answer’. I just hope when Bieber answers it’s something Old Testament horrific and I get to watch with my 3-D glasses.
Photo credit: PCN
By Matt August 27, 2014 @ 6:12 AM
Justin Bieber is being investigated for attempted robbery because he tried to grab a chick’s cell phone. The Shrinky Dink gangster was apparently at Dave and Buster’s with Selena Gomez on a step stool whispering in her ear about how he owned her vagina. Some girl started recording the couple so Bieber tried to snatch her phone, but failed because he has the muscle mass of a six year old. He never laid hands on the girl or managed to get the phone so it seems like a completely pointless investigation. It’s possible the chick is just looking for attention, or that she’s mildly retarded since she’s fascinated with Justin Bieber. If we lived in a more civilized society, we’d strap some razor blade covered gloves on Bieber and the girl, lock them in a chain link cage, and let the Fates decide who walks out and who is carried out. Is there anybody who wouldn’t watch that? I’d actually buy the DVD.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt August 22, 2014 @ 8:47 AM
Members of Justin Bieber’s posse reportedly bribed a border official to let their members with criminal records into Canada. As per Canada’s policy of being modestly boring, no cash was exchanged but the official was given a bunch of backstage passes to Bieber’s show. They claimed the passes were valued at $10,000 dollars, which I am sure is totally accurate since Bieber’s sketch ball friends were so willing to throw them away for a walk into Saskatchewan. The customs official has since been fired, because if you take bribes from ratchety twinks the written policy is to get cash only. Some more of Bieber’s even tinier minions showed up looking for the same official and tried to repeat the offense. By then Canadian Mounties on horseback had become suspect. Not because of the bribery, which is standard practice, but because the guy at the office everybody already hated for stealing sandwiches from the break room fridge was now also a documented Bieber fan. It was a good time to wash their hands as clean as Canada.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex August 13, 2014 @ 7:49 AM
Justin Bieber escaped any serious charges in his drag racing arrest from Florida last Winter by using the defense of being rich and having really important attorneys. It was a brilliant tactical maneuver. You may recall this past January Bieber’s dad, who serves as his son’s cruise director, marked off a residential street near Miami so Justin could race his Lambo against his buddy’s Ferrari. When the cops showed up, Bieber threw a major league fuck-you-coppers rant that would’ve left him with three broken ribs and the inability to see out of his left orbital socket for six months if he’d tried that in The Bronx. He also tested positive for weed and Xanax and was nailed for having an expired driver’s license.
Things looked pretty bleak for the junior lieutenant of the Lollipop Guild until everybody remembered that celebrities don’t do time. So, today they settled on careless driving, peacefully resisting arrest or some shit, an anger management course, and a $50,000 donation to a charity that helps judges in the Miami area get boats so they can go fishing with their overworked bailiffs, or prostitutes if their bailiffs are unavailable. For all that, Bieber gets to skip any jail time and ditches the DUI charge which means he can still race his foreign sports cars until such time as he kills a child and gets ordered to attend two anger management classes.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Jack August 08, 2014 @ 12:16 PM
Justin Bieber is the global equivalent of ass cancer. But he’s got decent publicists. They set up a Facetime chat with inspirational Pakistani women’s rights activist Malala Yousafzai. What does a mincing mini-troll like Bieber have to say to a girl who took a bullet just for asking to go to school? You know, stuff.
Read all about Bieber’s latest publicity fuckfest. (Dlisted)
Apparently, the new TMNT movie is…wait for it…really super fucking shitty. (io9)
Miley Cyrus posts a video of her fumbling in the dark getting high. (Drunken Stepfather)
Kourtney Kardashian compares naked preggo selfies with her mom. (Huffington Post)
Chrissy Teigen showing off her titties in Esquire? Yes. (Popoholic)
Trust me, you want to see the new UFC Latin America’s Octagon Girls. (COED)
Do you want to see a clip from the Lifetime Unauthorized ‘Saved By The Bell’ Movie? (Fox News)
(Photo Via Instagram)
By Matt July 17, 2014 @ 6:01 AM
Floyd Mayweather said he is actually friends with Justin Bieber and not just pretending to like Justin Bieber like the rest of the people who like Justin Bieber. Mayweather was offended when it was suggested otherwise, as if him and Biebs used to hustle in the same crew back in the D in the late 80′s:
“To me, that’s kind of racial profiling”
Clearly Mayweather does not understand what that term means. Being questioned about your relationship with a twink Canadian pop star does not make you the next Rubin Hurricane Carter. People don’t find your best buddies relationship strange because Bieber is white. Nobody thinks it’s weird that Tim Duncan is friends with Manu Ginobili. Denzel Washington has probably never been asked why he occasionally dines with Tom Hanks, since neither of them are known sociopaths or will be releasing a line of backpacks together in the near future.
Nobody hangs with Bieber unless he is buying. Alright maybe to pick off some barely legal Beliebers, but young white chicks don’t like getting punched. They’re not like old school entourage who could take a fist to the brow and keep mum for the authorities. Mayweather either has a low down fetish for bratty schoolchildren or is grooming Bieber for a future restaurant chain investment loan once he blows his fight money on child support and paying off the goombahs who fixed his Mosley fight. ‘Because I actually like Justin’ is not a legitimate answer to any question.
Photo Credit: Instagram