By Lex April 11, 2014 @ 3:23 PM
Proving that absolutely all rehab is a waste of time, Selena Gomez completely forsook her Bad Boys and Bad Habits rehab lessons from January and has fled back to be with her tiny Canadian Svengali. I don’t know at what age girls stop running to the boy that everybody tells them is a lesbian midget horror show. Apparently Selena still has some daddy demons left to exorcise. Back in the day you could count on annoying rock and roll drug fueled relationships to end in a Sid and Nancy quick burial. But now these choreographed midgets are drinking cough syrup and soda and smoking salvia and other things that simply won’t kill you quickly enough to make you interesting. Wake me when there’s a suicide.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Jack April 07, 2014 @ 3:18 PM
Pug-faced troll doll Justin Bieber can add wrecking a Walmart to his douchey resume. It seems that the tiny tyke was visiting his home town of Stratford, Ontario when he decided to go to the town’s center of arts and culture: Walmart. Then, according to an eyewitness, Bieber totally wrecked the place. He and his thirty person entourage showed up at the discount store and bounced balls in the toy department, opened food they didn’t pay for, sexually harassed the mouth breathing trollops, and generally behaved like assholes. The good folks at Walmart decided to just let Justin have his fun since Bieber is like a little midget god unto the people of Stratford. This is kind of like the old bull in the china shop bit, but the bull is a short privileged lesbian and the china shop is box store with very low self esteem.
By Travis March 31, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Justin Bieber emerged from a crop of underwhelming nominees to win the honor of Fan’s Choice at the Juno Awards last night, but it didn’t really seem like the fans gave a shit about him. Probably off dealing with his legal troubles, Justin didn’t even bother showing up to the Junos, where he could have possibly issued a statement to the world, like, “I’m sorry for the negative attention” or “Everyone can suck my tiny balls.” But someone named Serena Ryder stuck up for him as she accepted her own Juno Award, telling the crowd that had just booed Justin that she thinks he’s “an amazing musician and he deserved every bit of that award, because he’s been working his ass off his entire life and we need to support how awesome he is.” It’s a shame the crowd used up all of its booing on Justin, because it seems like Serena could have used a little, too.
By Travis March 24, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Justin Bieber makes the same stupid, confused face in every picture he takes, as he looks like a cross between a guy who hasn’t taken a shit in 20 years and someone who can’t find his car in a supermarket parking lot. He proved that when he found an old photo of James Dean that we’ve all seen a million times before, and Justin wanted to take a picture just like it, because he, too, is a young rebel who plays by his own rules. But while James actually smiled in his photo, Justin still had to play it really cool and look like he just walked into an airport bathroom and couldn’t believe the smell. Justin also had to make sure he held his watch up like he’s never made a natural gesture in his life, because that’s how all of his black friends tell him the real ballers act, before he leaves the room and they say, “I can’t believe this dipshit gives us all his money to hang out with him.” But sure, Justin, you’re just like James Deen. Let’s just hope no one spoils the ending of that story for him.
By Jack March 19, 2014 @ 2:38 PM
Lesbian lesser born hobbit Justin Bieber is trying to make a plea deal with his neighbor’s lawyers over the infamous egging incident. The LA County DA asked to meet with Bieber’s undead lawyer Howard Weitzman to discuss the deal. Basically the miniaturized shit eating cock weasel will pay 20K in property damage to his neighbor’s property and call it even. You’ll recall that Bieber and some of his multicultural Barney and friends posse egged his neighbor’s house a few months back because the neighbor asked Bieber to please stop being such an inconsiderate asshole. How the fuck he caused $20,000 worth of damage with eggs is as mysterious as which set of genitals Bieber is sporting. This kind of cash money deal is pretty common, especially with celebrity dicks like Bieber who throw down three times as much dough in an hour at a strip club. In a more civilized society, like, say, Afghanistan, they’d hog tie the tiny douche and allow three randy billy goats to gruff him up the ass while he cried out that he deserves respect as an artist. Call it harsh, but you know you’d watch.
By Travis March 14, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Seth Rogen and Dave Franco were guests on a special edition of Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live at SXSW on Wednesday night, and host Andy Cohen made sure to dig up Seth’s distaste for the antics of douchebag dipshit singer Justin Bieber. Specifically, Andy asked Seth his opinion of Justin and he didn’t hold back in letting us all know that he thinks the prince of pop and mop bucket pissing is an arrogant little nut sore. My words, not his. Seth’s words are much more to the point and accurate, as even Dave Franco agrees with him. Whatever, we’re all correct.