Riders are those addendums to standard performance contracts where divas get to list all the special shit you have to give them backstage to get them to come perform at your place. Legendary things like baths filled with Evian water and M&Ms sorted by color and lots and lots of cocaine and hookers. That last one seems to be the most popular. Over the weekend a copy of a rider supposedly drawn up for a Justin Bieber photoshoot appeared on E! Online and contained some noteworthy line items. Like, nobody was allowed to play Selena Gomez music at the event. And nobody in the crew would be allowed to talk to ‘talent’. Also, the venue had to provide several pairs of XS sized gym socks. A rep for Bieber immediately came out and called the document a fake. So, I guess it must be, Mr. Impartial Witness? I feel like we could use a little more investigation. Let’s start with whether or not Justin’s puckish feet fit into baby socks. Crank up some Selena music and see if he cries. Then punch him in the face so hard he spins out of control in his metal wings. That last part might be out of order, but clearly the most fun.
Jimmy Kimmel sent a fake reporter out in Los Angeles the other night before Justin Bieber’s show at the Staples Center to ask his fans some made-up questions for his “Lie Witness News” segment on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Among the things that he asked were whether or not they think it’s okay that he has baby seal tires on his Bentley and if he should be forgiven for punching his own grandmother, neither of which are true. That we know of.
Naturally, his young female fans were totally cool with everything they were asked, because the karate-kicking swag ‘bag can do no wrong in their soulless little eyes. It’s just a shame that Jimmy didn’t follow it up with a segment about sterilization.
In the unlikeliest court case ever (this week), a paparazzi with the muy Hispanic name Jose Osmin Hernandez Duran is suing Justin Bieber for MMA-style kicking him in the ribs. A few months ago Duran was taking pictures of Biebs and his ex-beard Selena Gomez when Justin reportedly, “delivered a martial arts-type kick…in the lower rib cage on the left side of his abdomen.” Bieber then allegedly punched him in the face and shoved him on to the car. While Bieber is a giant asshole prone to little hissy fits, the idea of him doing MMA anything to anyone would have me laughing out loud if I was empaneled on the jury.
If Bieber had slapped him like a little girl or got a bodyguard to do his dirty work for him, that I would believe. Bieber isn’t going to do his own fighting and he’s sure as shit not actually going to cause any harm. Maybe he could take a kitten in a fight, if the kitten was sleepy and curled up next to a ball of yarn. Aww. If Duran wanted to sue Bieber he really should have thought of a more realistic situation. Maybe if he had said that Bieber smashed his camera and cried like a little bitch he’d have a solid chance of winning some free cash. You have to prove your case beyond any reasonable doubt. I got some serious reasonable fucking doubts about Biebers mad fighting skills.
Justin Bieber continued his personal quest to be the universe’s biggest D-bag by fucking over a Vegas indoor skydiving center. The result? Banned for life. The trouble started when the mini-Ellen and his gaggle of misguided Kriss Kross disciples showed up at Las Vegas Indoor Skydiving at closing time, (natch). The fee to use the facility is $1600 but they told Biebs that if he posted a promotional picture of himself skydiving at the place on Instagram they would wave the fee. Nice little celebrity perk. Bieber agreed. Then he and his entourage proceeded to be obnoxious as fuck using the place, were rude to the staff, and promptly took off without paying or ever posting a photo. The place has banned Bieber for life, putting him on the “no-fly list”. I’m sure Bieber has a side to his story as well. Like he’s a shit stain and can’t help himself. Bieber needs an old-fashioned Vegas skydiving lesso — out a plane in the middle of the night somewhere over the Nevada desert, no parachute. Let him flap those angry little man arms and see how far that gets him.
“Rapper” and Justin Bieber tagalong Lil Twist took a break from being one half of the douchebag duo pissing off everyone in Calabasas yesterday to support the Canadian pop star at his concert at the Staples Center by riding around on a Segway. Twist and his cohort Lil Za were recently caught on video speeding through The Oaks, where they live with Justin in exchange for, I don’t know, teaching him how to wear his pants, before Za showed what a big, tough guy he is by confronting the female driver with the camera.
Twist, on the other hand, stayed in the car, probably because it was so humid and he didn’t want to get his leather t-shirt all sweaty.
(Photo Credits: Try CW/WENN.com)
Kid Rock appeared on the Howard Stern show earlier this week to talk about his new tour, and for some reason he decided to take a moment to comment on Justin Bieber’s current career “trajectory”, comparing the 19-year old to 90s rap embarrassment Vanilla Ice. As Stern correctly points out, the difference is that Vanilla Ice was a one-hit wonder, but Kid Rock took the insult a step further by saying that Bieber has no hits.
I’m all for ripping on the swaggy douchebag as much as possible, and if Suge Knight wants to dangle Bieber out a window, that’s cool, too. But I don’t think I’m ready to watch Bieber’s and Kid Rock’s fans go at it. I’m pretty sure the apocalypse comes next.