Justin Bieber Changes His Name To Bizzle

By Jack February 11, 2014 @ 3:10 PM

The famous Canadian lesbian not named kd Lang has changed his name to Bizzle on Instagram. In the grandiose tradition of Diddy, Prince, and Baby Doc Duvalier, Bieber wants to be known by a cool nickname. Bizzle came to mind. He’s probably doing it to distract us all from his multiple arrests and escalating drug problem. I’ll tell you right now that I’m not calling this motherfucker Bizzle. I’m going to call you by the name your mother gave you when she screamed you out of her vagina at twelve while your pimp teen dad looked on. Justin. There’s plenty of time to be Bizzle in your 30′s when you’re working the rehab legends show in Laughlin.

New Bieber Egging Video Emerges

By Jack February 10, 2014 @ 3:30 PM

A new video has emerged in which you can hear Bieber during the now infamous egging on his neighbor’s house. The incident occurred a while back when Bieber and his loser buddies pelted his neighbor’s house with eggs supposedly causing $20,000 worth of damage. You can’t see Bieber in this video but you can sure hear someone threatening the neighbor in Bieber’s high pitched screeching weasel voice. Police also have surveillance video which shows Bieber in the vicinity of the egging, though it doesn’t explicitly show him tossing eggs like a smallish girl at church picnic.

It’s hard to imagine any court will ever do anything serious to Justin Bieber. He’s got a massive legal team and most prosecutors know it’s a big fucking waste of time to try and convict him of anything. People are talking about maybe deporting the rectum scar back to Canada, but outside of Mexican grandmas with knurled fingers, we don’t really deport anybody. The number of weed dealers and car dealers and tiny unemployed black rappers Bieber supports here in the U.S. is not inconsequential. He’s too big too fail. Which is ironic, because you know he’s shorter than my last shit.

Bieber Hotboxed an Entire Plane

By Jack February 06, 2014 @ 1:20 PM


Justin Bieber hotboxed his way to the Super Bowl last week on a private jet. The little lesbian ferret rented a Gulfstream jet to take his posse of Misfit Toys, his lovely dad, and a whole lot of weed from Toronto to New Jersey. The plane was so full of marijuana smoke that the pilot had to use an oxygen mask to keep from getting fucked up. Bieber and his dad also berated the lady flight attendants to the point where the pilot and his oxygen mask had to step in. The Gulfstream was met by the cops and the DEA in New Jersey and even though there was smoky residue of the flying bong, the police couldn’t find any unsmoked drugs onboard. Which leads me to believe either they were stunt cops from a Cheech & Chong movie, or somebody gave somebody free concert tickets and some concessions money to make everything go away. The pilot and crew all refused to press charges because they don’t want to lose their jobs at the hands of angry Napoleon who swings a lot of weight with Canadian private jet companies. The entire incident is just another reminder that street justice remains the only possible avenue for proper correctional measures against The Biebs. I’m not suggesting that everybody try to beat the shit out of him should they encounter him in public, I’m also not not suggesting that. There aren’t that many ways to become a real life hero anymore.

Justin Bieber Popped Selena Gomez’s Cherry

By Jack February 04, 2014 @ 4:20 PM

According to the world’s tiniest recording star, he was the very first to boldly go in Selena Gomez’s sacred vagina hole. Justin Bieber was apparently boasting about this feat recently to his posse of Misfit Toys. The deed was done back in 2011 when the two 5’3″ teen divas were first dating. Biebs begged her to let him put his Canada in her Texas. The couple flew down to Palm Springs where gay people and randy seniors have been going to have sex since 1987.

“I knew she was in love with me when she gave me her virginity.”

Not quite a gentleman for poking his little lamby dipstick around and sharing with the world. But maybe it’s that bad boy street cred that has kept Selena coming around to his place as recently as a couple of weeks ago. A girl never forgets her first. Especially when she’s still wondering why the other boys she’s been with since don’t break into tears and scream out the word ‘liar!’ after every ejaculation.

Justin Bieber And His Little Buddy Share A Suckle

By Lex February 03, 2014 @ 12:40 PM

Justin Bieber And Khalil Sharieff Bite A Topless Stripper In A Recording Studio In Los Angeles
Lesbian teen minstrel, Justin Bieber, and his equally diminutive drag racing buddy, Khalil Amir Sharieff, shared a stripper’s fake tits in an L.A. recording studio. I guess Bieber was feeling pretty manic after laying down some legendary audio tracks so he ordered up a plate of hooker nipples for he and his Lollipop Guild lieutenant to gnaw on. Justin is a biter, which you know the hookers dig because who doesn’t want a little hairless weasel chomping on your sensitive parts like he just caught a worm. The stripper attempted to shake the tiny Canadian off her teat, but Justin hung on like a pit bull as he sobbed openly and mumbled something about his mother’s reputation. Eventually, security came by and plugged Justin’s little baby nostril’s until he was forced to release. The hooker fled the recording studio as everybody called Justin ‘the man’ while secretly feeling super uncomfortable about how they make a living.

Photo Credit: Splash

Rob Ford Defends Justin Bieber

By Jack January 31, 2014 @ 6:10 PM

Toronto’s crack smoking and vagina diving mayor Rob Ford defended Justin Bieber on a morning radio show. Ford, who was stripped of a lot of his powers as mayor of Toronto for hitting the pipe and drinking more than even most Canadians, was on the Sports Junkies show in Washington D.C. when the subject of Justin Bieber came up. The wacky DJ’s said that the little lesbian pixie was Canada’s worst export. Ford fired back deftly:

“Come on! He’s a young guy, 19 years old. I wish I was successful as he was. Nineteen years old, guys, think back to when you were nineteen, you know?”

I just thought back. Nope, no DUI arrests in Lamborghinis or tagging fancy hotels or police storming my estate for video evidence of me pelting the mansion next door with eggs. Granted, I didn’t have an Italian sports car or a mansion at nineteen. Like most people, I had to wait until I was twenty-five for my first six-figure car. Still, Ford has a point. Teenagers do stupid shit and should be judged by teenager standards. Where I came from, when you were a teenager and acted like Justin Bieber, everybody would gather around and beat the shit out of you until all the stupid was gone. It’d be tougher to gear up for a beatdown on a hairless effeminate tiny person, but if you’re really his friends, you’d find a way to pull the trigger.