My leather outfit looks amazing. My indoor shades are tight. The bling is all there. My fierce tats are popping. I’ve got courtside seats to Game 7. I’m kind of a Heat fan. I’ve got the new chapeau they placed on my head. Mother, why am I so fucking pouty? Must get more toys.
Bieber is in serious trouble with his home owners association, and you know those old ladies and power mad closet cases do not fuck around. It seems that his neighbors in the exclusive Calabasas neighborhood have had enough of Bieb’s late night parties and driving around in Ferraris at all hours. Several members of the board have threatened to withhold their hefty $1000 HOA fees until someone gets Justin to stop being such a douche. Earlier this year Biebs got in trouble for allegedly spitting and threatening one of his neighbors after being told to behave. Of course, Justin isn’t afraid of the cops. Celebrities don’t go to jail. But the HOA, those stone cold fools will put you in the fucking morgue. Here’s to hoping.
Keyshawn Johnson chased down a speeding Justin Bieber this weekend — and tried to confront the singer about his dangerous driving habits — but JB ran away like a scared little child … eyewitnesses tell TMZ.
Unlike most people, I don’t think Justin Bieber is more of a dick than your average 19-year old rich and famous primadonna dick. As a rule, these guys are always dicks. As would you be too if you were 19, had 50 mill in the bank, and dozens of hot girls and groupies surrounding you in your own bubble of self-awesomeness, weed, booze, and sex. You’d be zipping around in your dick Ferrari too because special privilege has brought out your inner asshole. You know who knows this? Keyshawn Johnson, because he was once 19 and a young football star surrounded by girls and groupies and agents and money telling him how awesome he was and he believed it too. His young autobiography was called Just Give Me the Damn Ball. But Keyshawn got grown up and now he’s got to teach Bieber a lesson. This is the circle of dick life. If Bieber survives the Keyshawn beat down and doesn’t choke to death on his own dick, someday he’ll be 40 and yelling at the punk kids to get their fucking skateboards off his sidewalk.
Taylor Swift won a bunch of awards at last Sunday’s Billboard Music Awards, and then afterward she made that stupid face that she always makes when she pretends that she can’t believe people like her vanilla ice cream pop music so much. But now she makes it ironically, because she thinks it’s funny since we all make fun of her for it. Either way, she thinks her shit smells like a bouquet of flowers in Gwyneth Paltrow’s house.
That’s why she didn’t hold back in pretending to hold back when Access Hollywood asked her what she was whispering to Selena Gomez while Justin Bieber was being booed. “Ohhh, you do not want to know!” she said, according to Us Weekly, adding, “You do not want to open that can of worms. Especially tonight.” And I assume that means she was jealous that Justin won the Milestone Award and she didn’t, so all she wanted to do was go home and scissor Selena in peace.
The folks at TMZ got their hands on the NDA agreement visitors to Justin Bieber’s mansion must sign before entering his humble abode built on his love of Christ and family. In short, the agreement says if you snitch about seeing people getting high, he’ll sue your ass for $5 million.
…anyone who blabs about any of the goings on inside the mansion will get nailed, and that includes the “physical health, or the philosophical, spiritual or other views or characteristics” of Bieber or the guests.
If you dare tweet about the party — $5 mil. If you blog — $5 mil. If you Instagram — $5 mil.
Unless you’re a drug dealer, a hot chick who hates the fuck out of her daddy, or an adult nursing relationship mother figure Justin leans on during his period, you’re probably not going to find yourself inside Justin’s house to begin with. But I know a guy who was and he tells me he saw Justin, big burly security guards, and a horde of teenage girls drinking around the pool. Throw in some weed and blow and you probably have the evening parties. Or exactly what everybody knows goes on with every wealthy young music artist ever. So why the crazy secrecy and threats? I don’t know, Justin is just a special kind of douche.
Taylor Swift didn’t like when her girl buddy Selena Gomez embraced Justin Bieber in a kiss after the Billboard Awards, so she did what any bitchy jealous girlfriend would do. She stuck her tongue out in disgust. Wow, who to root for in a cat fight between Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber. There’s the proverbial meteor to root for, but that never seems to materialize. I’d rather see them duke it out. Taylor has the height, weight, strength, and moxie advantage, while Bieber has runaway speed and a strong belief that Jesus walks beside him, well, a few paces back. I’d call it even. I’d love to see it get bloody. Slow internal bleeding where we get to watch waves of sobbing self-realization overcome them as the lifeforce drains from their bodies. But, that’s just the dream. I’d settle for the meteor.