By Jack February 04, 2014 @ 4:20 PM
According to the world’s tiniest recording star, he was the very first to boldly go in Selena Gomez’s sacred vagina hole. Justin Bieber was apparently boasting about this feat recently to his posse of Misfit Toys. The deed was done back in 2011 when the two 5’3″ teen divas were first dating. Biebs begged her to let him put his Canada in her Texas. The couple flew down to Palm Springs where gay people and randy seniors have been going to have sex since 1987.
“I knew she was in love with me when she gave me her virginity.”
Not quite a gentleman for poking his little lamby dipstick around and sharing with the world. But maybe it’s that bad boy street cred that has kept Selena coming around to his place as recently as a couple of weeks ago. A girl never forgets her first. Especially when she’s still wondering why the other boys she’s been with since don’t break into tears and scream out the word ‘liar!’ after every ejaculation.
By Lex February 03, 2014 @ 12:40 PM
Lesbian teen minstrel, Justin Bieber, and his equally diminutive drag racing buddy, Khalil Amir Sharieff, shared a stripper’s fake tits in an L.A. recording studio. I guess Bieber was feeling pretty manic after laying down some legendary audio tracks so he ordered up a plate of hooker nipples for he and his Lollipop Guild lieutenant to gnaw on. Justin is a biter, which you know the hookers dig because who doesn’t want a little hairless weasel chomping on your sensitive parts like he just caught a worm. The stripper attempted to shake the tiny Canadian off her teat, but Justin hung on like a pit bull as he sobbed openly and mumbled something about his mother’s reputation. Eventually, security came by and plugged Justin’s little baby nostril’s until he was forced to release. The hooker fled the recording studio as everybody called Justin ‘the man’ while secretly feeling super uncomfortable about how they make a living.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Jack January 31, 2014 @ 6:10 PM
Toronto’s crack smoking and vagina diving mayor Rob Ford defended Justin Bieber on a morning radio show. Ford, who was stripped of a lot of his powers as mayor of Toronto for hitting the pipe and drinking more than even most Canadians, was on the Sports Junkies show in Washington D.C. when the subject of Justin Bieber came up. The wacky DJ’s said that the little lesbian pixie was Canada’s worst export. Ford fired back deftly:
“Come on! He’s a young guy, 19 years old. I wish I was successful as he was. Nineteen years old, guys, think back to when you were nineteen, you know?”
I just thought back. Nope, no DUI arrests in Lamborghinis or tagging fancy hotels or police storming my estate for video evidence of me pelting the mansion next door with eggs. Granted, I didn’t have an Italian sports car or a mansion at nineteen. Like most people, I had to wait until I was twenty-five for my first six-figure car. Still, Ford has a point. Teenagers do stupid shit and should be judged by teenager standards. Where I came from, when you were a teenager and acted like Justin Bieber, everybody would gather around and beat the shit out of you until all the stupid was gone. It’d be tougher to gear up for a beatdown on a hairless effeminate tiny person, but if you’re really his friends, you’d find a way to pull the trigger.
By Jack January 30, 2014 @ 4:51 PM
Bieber’s toxicology report is in for his DUI bust and it is not going to help his case. The 60-inch long crooning turd was arrested last week for a DUI and drag racing in Miami beach. There were rumors that he wasn’t actually impaired and that the cops just busted him because he’s poor and black, but those reports turn out to be bullshit. Bieber was high on weed and a bunch of pills. The toxicology report states that he had THC in his system as well as high levels of Xanax. Put that together with a thimble full of alcohol for this little mouse and you have yourself a case for a DUI conviction. It’s unlikely that Biebs will get his second mouth pounded in prison and he probably won’t be deported either. If he’s convicted he could lose his driver’s license and would have to be driven to the mall like a 14 year old girl by their mom. Only, it’ll be a professional driver, with a bodyguard, and a young boy he specifically requests speak in a Carolina girl voice in the back of his Lincoln Town Car.
By Travis January 30, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
It’s getting pretty hard to keep track of Justin Bieber’s police troubles, between his DUI and drag racing arrest in Miami and the Police Squad episode that features the LAPD building a case against Bieber for egging his house, but we can now add assault charges in Toronto to the list. Last night, Bieber turned himself in to the Toronto PD in regard to a December 30 incident with a limo driver. Justin is being charged with assault after the driver claims that the singer punched him in the back of the head several times during a fight that broke out between him and a passenger. Unlike the Miami and LA incidents, there are apparently witnesses that claim Bieber was involved in this case, so they’d better lay low unless they want to be lightly slapped and screamed at by a child.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex January 29, 2014 @ 8:16 PM
I can’t remember all the shit Obama promised as President. Just last night he promised a ton more shit. I believe I’m supposed to get laid more often and look a hint less like a beagle. I know Obama promised more openness and access for the Average Joe who can’t pay fifty grand to shake the Presidential hand at Jeffrey Katzenberg’s vegan-option soirees. Obama set up that idiotic White House petition process so that angry ethnic groups and black helicopter conspiracists and the other people who routinely bug the shit out of the White House operator could create online rants instead. If 100,000 people sign your petition, the President will look at them. Sort of like he looks at Malia’s social science homework or the federal budget. A couple seconds of retinal fly by and a reassuring smile.
The Deport Justin Bieber people officially passed the 100,000 signature mark so Barack’s going to need to check that one out. The Keep Bieber petitioners have set up a couple of their own to countermand the Deport Bieber people:
Instead of looking at all the horrible events that Justin Bieber has been through why not the good? People only look at his bad boy aura and not everything that he has done to help around the world. He has donated so much money to charity’s but people over look that fact. Also, what about all these celebrity’s that have done so much worse. For example, Chris Brown was charged for Women abuse but was let off the hook. Just because he’s Justin Bieber and not some rapper doesn’t mean he deserves this.
For semi-literate middle schoolers, the Keep Bieber petitioners make an excellent point. We do completely omit Bieber’s fine charity work. He falls into that smallish 99.8 percent of celebrities linked to good causes. It’s a well known fact that he did something nice for someone with a horrible disease. Probably a kid. Shit, he probably hugged him and took photos. And what about that double standard accusation? Chris Brown did do lots of Women abuse and he gets to still live here. Why don’t we deport him back to Virginia? This democracy thing really is the best way to decide stuff. Keep it rolling, Average Joe.