After his recent run in with the Miami police, Justin Bieber is talking about quitting music and opening a tattoo parlor with his tank-topped young father, Jeremy. The little lesbian ferret has become more famous for his controversies over the past year than for his choreographed teen love ballads. Biebs is currently in Panama with his manager Scooter and buddy Usher, presumably banging hookers and eating barbecue. I guess in trying to find a fake real job for dad, Bieber came up with the great idea of opening a tattoo shop with his old man. Who better to start a business with that involves needles and blood than the fucked up dude who knocked up your mom at seventeen? I would not go to any tattoo parlor run by the Biebers. They’d just want to ink you with Justin’s idiotic graffiti doodles of little monsters peeing. Every tattoo artist would probably be some failed rapper named Lil something fucked up on sizzurp. If they could find place where girls don’t have to be eighteen to get inked, maybe they’d have a thing. Those impressionable young girls seem to be up for anything Bieber. Especially if Justin fist pumps and tells you how beautiful you are while his dad inks up your back with something that looks like a werewolf fucking a cartoon piranha to have for the rest of your life.
Building off the dressing down he gave Tubbs and Crockett for pulling the plug on his street racing, Bieber came down with full 65-lb bench press force on his entourage and the bitch he’s currently let service his gift. What Bieber’s inner circle thought would be an intervention down in Panama has turned into the Canadian King Joffrey drinking beers on the beach and insisting he be filmed riding his ATV for some epic new music video moments. Meanwhile, Bieber consort and young scholar Chantel Jeffries had been using a lawyer to secretly shop around her Tales of Whorish Street Racing with Justin to the morning talk shows for twenty grand. When Bieber’s spies appraised him of the situation, he raised his mighty hammer and ordered her to cut that shit out. And she did. Then Bieber ordered Chantel to dress him to match the Bad Touch girl doll that prosecutors let her keep form all her childhood court cases. Bow down before Zed, the Canadian douche god and pray to be spared.
Photo Credit: Splash
Not since Manuel Noriega used to throw chickens out in the pueblocitos has anybody received such uproarious Panamanian welcome as Justin Bieber. Like so many small angry criminals before him, Bieber grabbed his lawless skeez Chantel and fled from Miami to Panama in the dead of the night. Justin and Chantel were seen the next morning parasailing and hanging out with some brews on the beach. For Bieber, Central America provides the perfect balance of lawlessness and lawlessness. The drinking age in Panama is 18. Also, you can kill poor people with your rented Lamborghini for $5 a head. Rumor is that Usher has flown down to Panama for an all-hands intervention with his protege. Though it could also be because of their lax views on pederasty. For a couple hundred bucks, you can live like a Roman Emperor down there.
Photo Credit: Splash
Now that Justin Bieber is out of jail after having ratted on his mom for being his Xanax supplier, he’s free to go back to doing whatever shithead things he wants to do until the Los Angeles Police Department gathers enough chicken fetus DNA to convict him of felony assholery on his neighbor. But some of Bieber’s friends and enablers think that he should skip the partying and seek help, if not in rehab, then through psychotherapy. According to TMZ, Bieber is completely against rehab but hasn’t ruled out therapy, which is a good sign, because talking with a trained medical professional can do wonders for any little girl’s self-esteem issues.
Photo Credit: Getty
Justin Bieber left the Miami Courthouse one repentant androgynous boy. Don’t let the leather pants and the climbing on top of his SUV and the waving to the public fool you, Justin is quite contrite. In fact, before he left the long arm of the law, he narced on his mom for being the provider of the prescription meds he takes along with his drink and his weed to make himself a better driver. He folded like a little lesbian accordion as he fingered his mom for feeding him Xanax. Like most animals on the small side of their breed, he suffers from an immense amount of generalized anxiety. You would too if a bird of prey could dive from the sky and pluck you from terra firma without warning. I’m not sure the doctor recommends taking the Xanax with Sizzurp and weed, but he’s not getting it from his doctor, he’s getting it from his mom. Like most former pregnant teen runaways, she has a degree in street medicine. I think she can legally perform surgeries in El Salvador.
Justin Bieber faced the judge in Miami this morning after his DUI and expired license and street racing arrest and the judge gave him… $2500 bond. It was beyond exciting. CNN landed a helicopter on the courthouse rooftop with thirty-seven television reporters to cover the Justin Bieber arrest after somebody at Time Warner noticed that not a single person had watched CNN for the past six years. Justin was represented by Roy Black, the defense attorney famous for getting William Kennedy Smith off on his rape charges 20 years ago, and more recently getting Rush Limbaugh sentences to a couple rounds on the golf course for scarfing up ill-gotten Oxy. Justin didn’t say a thing. His hair gel also remained quiet. Somebody rightfully advised him not to flash gang signs of flip off the judge to keep his street cred with the homies because he’s not actually black or going to prison and he’s starting to scare America.