Don’t Ask Justin Bieber About Selena Gomez

By Travis March 07, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Whiny jail pisser and douchebag dad enabler Justin Bieber had to sit in a deposition in Miami yesterday for 4 ½ hours, relating not to the drag racing and alleged drunk driving incident but the time that he allegedly ordered his bodyguard to attack a photographer last June. The lawyer for the paparazzi seemed like he was trying to intentionally push Bieber’s buttons to make him act like a total shithead, as TMZ reported that it totally worked. After asking about his relationship with Selena Gomez several times and whether or not she was there when the photographer was attacked, Bieber and his lawyer stood up and walked out of the room while Canada’s Mighty Mouse shouted, “Don’t ask me about her!”

After they returned from a syzzurp session in the Bieb’s SUV, the singer acted like an even bigger hardass, arguing the difference between “Yeah” and “Yes” and by calling the opposing lawyer Katie Couric after he asked another question. The good news out of all of this is that the writers for Franklin and Bash have at least two episodes of fresh material for next season.

Photo Credit: Getty

Behold The Justin Bieber Piss Video

By Jack March 06, 2014 @ 1:31 PM

The video absolutely no one was waiting to see, Justin Bieber pissing in a cup in jail, has been released onto an unsuspecting world. The video was taken during Bieb’s arrest for being a drunken douchenozzle in Miami a few months ago. People, who I guess want to desperately see his dong, clamored for the video of him taking a piss test to be released. The judge ordered the video edited and a black bar to be placed to hide the little troll’s mangina. It wouldn’t do for the world to see that he’s hung like a toddler. I don’t think he meant for the black bar to be quite so big. You would use a black bar this size to cover up a giant John Holmes sized Wookie dick not the little nubbin between Bieber’s legs. I’d assume Biebs asked his lawyers to specify that they make the bar bigger to give the impression that the ladies be clamoring for Justin for more than just his fat wallet and primo weed. A good test would be to take away his money and find out.

We Won’t Be Seeing Bieber’s Dong On Police Video

By Jack March 05, 2014 @ 2:30 PM

The judge in Justin Bieber’s Florida DUI case will allow police surveillance video of Bieber in jail to be released with one catch: his dong has to be blacked out. You’ll recall that the lesbian hobbit was arrested a while back for drag racing and driving while fucked up on anxiety meds and weed. The footage in question is of the fun times had inside the jail the night of the arrest. The objectionable part of the video occurs when Bieber has to take a piss test to assess what shit he was on. His lawyers said that to release the tapes unedited was a violation of the miniature weasel’s privacy. Florida is big into freedom of information so the tapes must be released if requested. The compromise was to edit in a black bar around his junk. While this may ignite the fury of millions of chubby pederastic moms with visions of cougar-cubbing this petite diva, I’d like to thank the makers of cloaking black bars everywhere for once again saving the rest of us from having to see unwanted man junk, even of the smallish variety.

Justin Bieber Pays His Dad A $50,000 Allowance

By Travis March 04, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Justin Bieber celebrated his 20th birthday with friends and family in the Bahamas, and that included his dad, Jeremy Bieber, who has always seemed like the kind of guy who would much rather be Justin’s best friend than the guy who raises him. Now, Jeremy’s former best friend, Cory Bernier, has opened up to the Daily Mail on what kind of a douchebag Jeremy really is, accusing the 39-year old of being a manipulative and enabling dick who is responsible for most of Justin’s worst behavior. But seeing as we already basically thought that was the case, the actual surprise revelation is that Justin pays his “party animal” dad as much as $50,000 a month to take care of his mansion in Canada, but dad just uses the cash to have fun with his friends because “he’s living the dream at his son’s expense.” Not to defend the guy, but isn’t that what kids are for? Making up for our own pathetic lives so we can ride their coattails and drag them to the bottom once the money stops rolling in? Good for Jeremy.

Photo Credit: Yael Bergman/

Bieber Faces the Music

By Jack February 25, 2014 @ 3:34 PM

Justin Bieber is facing his haters with love and a shitload of attorneys. The twink pop star has chosen to stand trial for his DUI arrest in Miami. The prosecutors had offered the diminutive Canadian a plea deal where he’d get off  with standard celebrity justice: probation and random drug tests. Justin reportedly told those Sunshine State hosers to piss off, aye. Presumably that drug testing part might prevent him from hotboxing private jets and drinking cough medicine with pops. So, now he’s going to have to borrow some big boy pants and go to the Dade County courthouse to face charges. This means that Justin could have his license suspended and could face up to two years locked in a building where his nickname soon becomes ‘Sink the Stink’. Though if you’re a betting man, figure on a fine and a couple weeks of fake rehab. This crooning Napoleon is going to get himself killed well before anybody successfully locks him up.

Georgia Pre-Hates Bieber

By Jack February 24, 2014 @ 4:22 PM

It looks like Atlanta doesn’t want Justin Bieber living in their fair burgh. The residents of Atlanta’s ritzy Buckhead neighborhood dropped their umbrella’d cocktails in horror when it was reported that the Canadian flea was looking at properties in the area. It seems that folks around them parts don’t cotten to a carpet-baggin’, sizzurp drinkin’, car racin’, wigga’ livin’ in their neighborhood. Folks haven’t been this upset in Georgia since Sherman came to visit. A group called the Buckhead Neighborhood Coalition took to Facebook saying,

“As a community here in Buckhead, we have worked hard to achieve our goals and get to where we are. Justin Bieber’s relocation to Atlanta can be nothing but bad for our children, as well as the community. Some can’t even let their children play in the driveway without fear; he has raced vehicles under the influence, before. What’s to say he won’t do it again? As a home owner down the street from this residence, one can assume many people will be contacting real estate agents soon enough.”

Bieber responded to the virtual anti-welcoming party with nothing but Jesus and a song in his heart:

“I guess I’m an easy target for some. I’m still human. I will continue to meet hate with love. It’s all about the music. Much love”

Not to side with a bunch of uppity crackers, but I can’t blame them for wanting to keep that grinning weasel out of their neighborhood. You live in a nice area like that in the South to raise your kids in a safe place free of drag racing, drugs, and most importantly, blacks and Mexicans. There is no real legal way they can keep the petite lesbian out. Even though he’s not American, this is still America. He’s free to buy a house wherever he wants but he should be advised that Southerners have a slightly different version of taking care of annoying neighbors as they do in more progressive Los Angeles. A pitchfork to the sternum usually sends a solid message. I can’t wait to see Bieber respond to that with much love.