By Lex April 09, 2014 @ 3:32 PM
Now that Kaley Cuoco has liberated her tits with her heartfelt revelation that they’re not only fake, but they’re the best thing she ever bought herself, she can be free to do all sorts of shit without fear of public judgement. I imagine an immense weight has been lifted off her shoulders, and chest, and probably her vagina, because that is where female emotions are stored during the winter months. So many of these others fake boobed girls have to walk around with a dark secret, like a girl on a Lifetime movie having a baby in her closet, wondering if they’re new tank top is going to give them away. Not Kaley. She can post pictures of two balloons inside her top with LOLs and take bikini pictures on top of floating ducks and it’s all good. Come to Jesus, other girls with fake cans. Set yourself free.
Photo Credit: Kaley Cuoco/Instagram
By Lex April 04, 2014 @ 3:38 PM
It’s refreshing to hear one Hollywood actress say that her implants were the best thing to ever happen to her, as Kaley Cuoco did in Cosmo magazine, right there between the same blowjob tips the magazine has been serving up since ’77. The standard refrain from actresses when discussing plastic surgery is first to vehemently deny, then shift to regret and distancing, and ultimately, dramatic lamentation. Watching completely self-absorbed people get caught in a needless lie is like watching penis sausage being made. You will not stick around to watch the second penis go in the grinder. Kaley Cuoco’s shockingly honest revelation is probably related to all the newlywed shtupping and the high she feels from recently moving into Khloe Kardashian’s old McMansion. Who wouldn’t feel femininely charged using the same basin where Khloe would routinely sponge-bathe herself to a tear-filled orgasm thinking about all her diet cheats. Kaley knows her bigger tits got her jobs and promotions and opportunities and men she wouldn’t otherwise have secured with normal human mammaries. She’s got more sac than those ballplayers who lied and cried before Congress about enhancing their own bodies. Kaley Cuoco, you are the big fake tittied wind beneath my wings.
Photo Credit: CBS, Cosmopolitan
By Lex March 25, 2014 @ 4:42 PM
You may recall that Kaley Cuoco’s wedding to the 667th ranked tennis player in the world was so romantic, that people openly wept at their New Year’s Eve ceremony. To commemorate the true majesty of endless love, the groom, Ryan Sweeting, got himself a large forearm tattoo with the date of the wedding in Roman numerals. Smart fella. Kaley felt obliged to keep her end of the newlyweds bargain, showing off the new matching set of Roman numerals on her own backside. Naturally, the bread winner can’t be inking up her typically visible parts, but it’s a real commitment nonetheless. I suppose when you’re in such profound and spectacular love, the likes of which Kaley and Ryan lament with rose smelling tears that none others shall ever truly know, you miss little things like damning the crap out of your marriage. Somebody needs to run a Scared Straight program for the young and bubbly set, taking them to see the line of angry exes outside the offices of Dr. Tattoff patiently waiting to have the name of their last coital bliss painfully laser removed from their body parts. This big ass Roman numeral tattoo is a bold public statement that you’re not going to be like the other 93% of celebrity marriages that end in miserable darkness. It’s also a big fuck you to Shiva right in the Karmic kisser. They’re doomed. I wish I had a heart so I could feel this when it goes down.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Travis February 27, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
What is it about the airport that makes minor celebrities look like they want to blow their brains out so much? Obviously, flying sucks and being around so many random losers is a pain in the ass, but people like Kaley Cuoco and Ryan Sweeting, no matter how average or mediocre they are in their careers, shouldn’t have to look this pissed off when they’re being pushed through the security lines ahead of us losers and given the ultimate VIP path to their planes and the exits so they don’t even have to make eye contact with their so-called fans. At least pretend like you’re happy to be better than other people by flashing a little smile or maybe a nipple. Having an advantage doesn’t mean you need to look like a pissed off hipster Frankenstein.
Photo Credits: WENN.com
By Lex January 17, 2014 @ 2:11 PM
You know whose name you don’t tattoo prominently on your body? The person you just fell in love with or just married or just met their cute puppy and decided you want to make babies with them and open up a free-trade coffee house in Butte, Montana. In fact, you shouldn’t really even be allowed to get a real tattoo until you’re 30, with no inked names until you’re 40. It would save so much fucking skin-ache. But, there’s no stopping the true romantics. Ryan Sweeting just married Kaley Cuoco and figured what the heck, only 89% of celebrity marriages end in divorce, let’s tat this shit permanent with her name sprawled across my forearm. And how about maybe toss in a giant roman numeral of the date of our wedding just to kick it up a couple fairytale notches. Oh, my god, she’s going to love this. If things go south, I can always wear long sleeves for the rest of my life so people don’t mock the living shit out of me.
Kaley reciprocated her new husband’s boldly romantic move by getting drunk at a party and grabbing her own tits for the camera. I’m going to peg Kaley as the one who comes out less broken on the back end of this relationship.
By Lex January 03, 2014 @ 3:06 PM
Nobody hates a good wedding as much as I do. I want to whisk every groom up there away on a Ghost of Marriage Future tour to snap them out of the belief that all that naughty and free-spirited engagement naughty is going to continue past the wedding cake. Just like everybody gives that crappy graduation speech about how graduation is just a beginning, so too should every minister be forced to directly address the groom and tell him that marriage really is an ending. A total black darkness cessation of your very will to live. I’m sour. Sure. I probably could’ve used a turn at Kaley Cuoco’s New Year’s Eve wedding to the 667th ranked tennis player in the world. You know this was true love by the mere fact that Kaley was in true love with the dude who played Superman just six months ago. According to Ali Fedotowsky, who once won The Bachelor reality show earning her a fake engagement, so she knows from love, there was not a dry eye in the estate at Kaley’s wedding:
There was so much love during the ceremony. I was in tears, my boyfriend was in tears, just hearing them profess their love for each other—they’re the real deal.”
Wow, that certainly does sound powerful. Also, your boyfriend sounds pretty gay. I’d think about going back to the fake relationship with The Bachelor, at least he didn’t need a hanky at weddings.
Photo Credit: PCN, Esquire