By Lex July 25, 2013 @ 1:01 PM
Kanye West will not be charged by the D.A. for going Big John Studd on a a paparazzi outside LAX last week. Everybody got together and agreed that they hate annoying paparazzi even more than they hate Kanye. Also, Kanye did warn everybody to never talk near him or anybody he knows. All that’s left to do is for Kanye to write a fat check then keep on being the best baby daddy he can be.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Jack July 19, 2013 @ 11:52 AM
An audio recording has surfaced that supposedly has Kanye West ranting after the 2009 VMA awards. It may not be him…but it sure sounds like the kind of crazy shit he would say. You’ll recall that that was the fateful night when he ran up on stage during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech and said that Beyoncé’s video for Single Ladies deserved to win. That’s also the moment when America, nay the world, first began to realize what a total megalomaniacal douchenozzle Kanye West is. He doesn’t just talk shit about Taylor Swift though. He badmouths Pink and Eminem and just about anyone who isn’t him. The best part about the audio clip is how little sense his reasoning makes. For example, when asked why he thought Taylor Swift shouldn’t have won he said:
When I heard Eminem’s verse on the Drake shit, I went back and rewrote my shit for two days. I canceled appointments to rewrite! I fuckin’ care! You know what I’m saying? And that’s what I’m saying. Because I did that, Taylor Swift cannot win over Beyoncé! Because I wrote my verse in two days, Taylor Swift cannot beat Beyoncé. As long as I’m alive! And if I’m alive, kill me then! Kill me then! As long as I’m alive, you gon’ have to deal with it. ‘Cause there ain’t gonna be no more motherfucking Elvises with no James Browns.
OK…what the fuck does that even mean? It’s nonsense. In what bizarre idiotic parallel universe does him rewriting a song have anything to do with why Taylor Swift cannot possibly have beaten Beyoncé? Listening to this video first thing this morning made me feel like I was having a stroke. A voice in the audio then asks him why he is so angry. He replies:
Because my mother got arrested for the fuckin’ sit-ins. My mother died for this fame shit! I moved to fuckin’ Hollywood chasing this shit. My mother died because of this shit. Fuck MTV.
Umm…what? Your mother died because she had botched plastic surgery, chief. She is not a martyr to your celebrity. It’s also not like she sacrificed her life shooting Beyoncé’s video and her last wish is that she beat Taylor Swift at a crappy awards show. The fact that anybody thinks MTV has it out for black rap artists just makes him insane. The former music video network is singlehandedly responsible for millions of white suburban kids wearing their pants low and showing up to class in corn rows. How does Kanye think he made the millions that got him the right to make a bastard baby in Kim Kardashian? That’s right. MTV.
By Travis July 19, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
Talk show host and Satan’s booking agent Kris Jenner stopped by The Talk yesterday, because there’s nothing more exciting for the people who watch daytime talk shows than talk show hosts interviewing other talk show hosts. It’s the ultimate full circle for women who’d bleach their assholes on live TV if it meant getting a ratings spike.
Anyway, one of The Talk’s soulless harpies asked Kris about Kanye West’s recent blowup on a TMZ photographer, and because North West’s grandmother is so desperate to make Kanye like her, she basically said that he’s allowed to be violent because he might have been sleepy. If she really wants Kanye to love her, though, Kris would have just shouted, “Because he’s the best mother fucking rapper of all-time!” before ripping the Asian lady’s hair out.
By Lex July 12, 2013 @ 5:30 PM
Don’t fucking talk to Kanye West. Don’t talk to anyone he knows. Just shut the fuck up or he will fuck you up. That’s the basic message. Also, he’s feeling fat and nobody loves him. How’s fatherhood treating you, Kanye?
By Jack July 12, 2013 @ 12:25 PM
Kris Jenner, the crusty vaginal font of all things Kardashian, said that she doesn’t think her new granddaughter will be picked on at school for her name. Kris was on Watch What Happens Live on Wednesday and gay Muppet host Andy Cohen asked her if she thought that lil’ North was going to be mocked by kids in school because, you know, her name is fucking stupid, her mom is a porn star, and her dad, by this point, has moved on to lower maintenance women. Kris said that she didn’t think kids would make fun of North because,
“You don’t walk around saying, ‘Hi, North West.’ You walk around saying, ‘Hi North’ or whatever her nickname may end up being.”
Um, no. Since Kris Jenner hasn’t been in school in many years and denied her own girls that same experience, she just doesn’t understand how school playgrounds work. First of all kids are fucking assholes and they’ll make fun of your name even if it’s something normal like Bob or Stephanie, (Bob Slob or Stepher Heifer, for example). What do you think growing up with the name Jack was like? Being called things like Jackass, Jackoff, Jack-O-Lantern, etc were almost daily occurrences. Even if you don’t say the full name of North West, just North is pretty fucking stupid. It’s a direction not a name and it especially sounds weird on a girl. It’s not going to take many clever school bully minutes before this girl is being called North Stew, Wicked Bitch of the North, Great Half-White North, and other names I’m going to whisper to the little kids in her school to help them torment the Kardashian-West baby. Whatever doesn’t kill her will only make her richer.
By Lex July 04, 2013 @ 10:18 AM
Bearing her rapper boyfriend’s bastard baby has changed Kim Kardashian. So we are told. So much so that when some Australian magazine offered her $3 million for first photos of her stupidly named daughter, Kim said nay. She and Kanye do not want their offspring living a life in front of the camera. By that she means, try $5 million. My guess is People magazine. But, before you call Kim a singularly-focused money-grubbing ass whore, again, the couple has indicated that proceeds will all go to charity. Like Khloe’s and Lamar’s stomach cancer research charity where none of the money raised has gone to cancer research. So, actually, the opposite of that this time. Then, finally, the Kardashian name shall be synonymous with selflessness, community, and giving. As Robert always wanted, or at least promised himself as he was finding a place to hide O.J.’s bloody clothes and knife.