By Travis July 19, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
Talk show host and Satan’s booking agent Kris Jenner stopped by The Talk yesterday, because there’s nothing more exciting for the people who watch daytime talk shows than talk show hosts interviewing other talk show hosts. It’s the ultimate full circle for women who’d bleach their assholes on live TV if it meant getting a ratings spike.
Anyway, one of The Talk’s soulless harpies asked Kris about Kanye West’s recent blowup on a TMZ photographer, and because North West’s grandmother is so desperate to make Kanye like her, she basically said that he’s allowed to be violent because he might have been sleepy. If she really wants Kanye to love her, though, Kris would have just shouted, “Because he’s the best mother fucking rapper of all-time!” before ripping the Asian lady’s hair out.
By Lex July 12, 2013 @ 5:30 PM
Don’t fucking talk to Kanye West. Don’t talk to anyone he knows. Just shut the fuck up or he will fuck you up. That’s the basic message. Also, he’s feeling fat and nobody loves him. How’s fatherhood treating you, Kanye?
By Jack July 12, 2013 @ 12:25 PM
Kris Jenner, the crusty vaginal font of all things Kardashian, said that she doesn’t think her new granddaughter will be picked on at school for her name. Kris was on Watch What Happens Live on Wednesday and gay Muppet host Andy Cohen asked her if she thought that lil’ North was going to be mocked by kids in school because, you know, her name is fucking stupid, her mom is a porn star, and her dad, by this point, has moved on to lower maintenance women. Kris said that she didn’t think kids would make fun of North because,
“You don’t walk around saying, ‘Hi, North West.’ You walk around saying, ‘Hi North’ or whatever her nickname may end up being.”
Um, no. Since Kris Jenner hasn’t been in school in many years and denied her own girls that same experience, she just doesn’t understand how school playgrounds work. First of all kids are fucking assholes and they’ll make fun of your name even if it’s something normal like Bob or Stephanie, (Bob Slob or Stepher Heifer, for example). What do you think growing up with the name Jack was like? Being called things like Jackass, Jackoff, Jack-O-Lantern, etc were almost daily occurrences. Even if you don’t say the full name of North West, just North is pretty fucking stupid. It’s a direction not a name and it especially sounds weird on a girl. It’s not going to take many clever school bully minutes before this girl is being called North Stew, Wicked Bitch of the North, Great Half-White North, and other names I’m going to whisper to the little kids in her school to help them torment the Kardashian-West baby. Whatever doesn’t kill her will only make her richer.
By Lex July 04, 2013 @ 10:18 AM
Bearing her rapper boyfriend’s bastard baby has changed Kim Kardashian. So we are told. So much so that when some Australian magazine offered her $3 million for first photos of her stupidly named daughter, Kim said nay. She and Kanye do not want their offspring living a life in front of the camera. By that she means, try $5 million. My guess is People magazine. But, before you call Kim a singularly-focused money-grubbing ass whore, again, the couple has indicated that proceeds will all go to charity. Like Khloe’s and Lamar’s stomach cancer research charity where none of the money raised has gone to cancer research. So, actually, the opposite of that this time. Then, finally, the Kardashian name shall be synonymous with selflessness, community, and giving. As Robert always wanted, or at least promised himself as he was finding a place to hide O.J.’s bloody clothes and knife.
By Travis June 26, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
Soon-to-be talk show host and woman who would burn an entire orphanage to the ground for attention, Kris Jenner, was on The View yesterday to discuss, among other crap, how her cash cow daughter, Kim Kardashian, just named her newborn baby North West. Kris claimed that Kim and Kanye West picked that name because north means “highest power” and this is the “highest point” of their relationship. At the very least, this is great because it means the beginning of the end.
But even better was Kris acting like the name isn’t stupid because, “You don’t walk around calling somebody, ‘Hi North West!’” Yes you most certainly do. When someone has a stupid name like that, you say it repeatedly, every day of every week until she eventually tries to murder her parents. Not that I’ve thought about it.
By Jack June 24, 2013 @ 11:34 AM
By now we all know that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their womb ferret North West. But why? Why, of all the names in the whole world did they pick a fucking direction as a name? Was it simply to make a stupid pun? According to sources close to the obnoxious couple, it’s a metaphor…a stupid, lame, nonsensical metaphor. They claim that it is inspirational rather than directional. The sources say, “They chose the name North because they see it as a metaphor for “up”, telling friends, “What’s North of North? Nothing.” They also say that the little shit factory is their “highest point” together, their northernmost point. Wow, that’s even stupider than if it was just a bad joke.
First of all, “up” and “north” are not the same thing. It would seem that they missed that day in 2nd grade in which they taught the kids about directions. It’s not surprising as the two of them are basically 2 IQ points away from shitting their Prada pants and wondering what that funny smell is. And “What’s North of North?” is also nonsense. North isn’t a place. It’s not like Santa’s living room in the North Pole is the spot to which all compasses are calibrated or some shit. I guess it’s sweet that they think of this kid as the zenith of their love and not just like a drunken accident that happened because Kanye didn’t pull out in time.