“Actually, I’ve only met him once. He’s never … he’s not around. He was in Paris the whole time writing and he just hasn’t been around,” – Bruce Jenner to Extra.
And here’s that time. At the X-Factor watching Khloe Kardashian monotone her teleprompter lines in a dress that barely contained her winter thermal layer. Just look at Kanye. He looks like he can’t wait to join the Kardashian family ‘nobody fucking eat, we’re all fat’ picnics and cash counting overnighters. Kanye may be a heavily affected douche, but no man is immune to a thorough examination of the family he’s boning into and Kanye isn’t going to be playing that shit. Banging the snot out of a fame whore with a whooty he’d had a longing for in his nutsack, yes. Going emergency diaper shopping in preppy wear with Scott Disick for an E! reality show segment, don’t count on it. I wouldn’t let Kanye bathe that baby unsupervised. He may be that practical.
Kanye West was doing that thing he does where he tries really hard to be controversial on Saturday Night Live last weekend. He sang a couple of songs from his new album one of which is called New Slaves. It’s about how the prison system is like a new form of slavery. Hence the articulately titled New Slaves. It was shot mostly as a tight close-up of him with images of the Ku Klux Klan and whatnot projected behind him. Lots of white people are in the Klan it seems. I think my dentist is, and I’m positive the guy at the gym who always says they’re out of towels is a Lesser Grand Wizard. He’s Chinese, but best believe he’s keeping Kanye down too. I’m certain there’s a shitload of problems with the U.S. justice system and prisons. I’m equally as certain Kanye doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about. Putting poorly thought out notions to music doesn’t suddenly make them compelling. Now give me something I can tap my feet to and shut the fuck up.
Back in 2006, Kanye West declared that he should be featured in the Bible because he believed that he could tell stories in a way that would make kids want to learn about them, and because he had “changed the sound of music”. That same year, he also appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone wearing a crown of thorns. And yesterday, Kanye’s girlfriend Kim Kardashianposted a picture of his new album to Instagram and confirmed the long-running rumor that he had entitled it “Yeezus”.
All of this is fun to recap because just last Wednesday, Kanye performed at the Adult Swim upfronts and asked the crowd in one of his classic rants, “At what point did I become un-human where I had to turn myself back?” And I just hope that someone yelled back, “Are you fucking serious?”
If I’m Kanye West, I’m taking it as a supernatural sign that a bloody stigmata appears on my forehead while on a date with my bloated pregnant annoying lady girlfriend fuck buddy person. The Crown of Thorns wound appeared shortly after a ‘Wrong Way’ sign up and slapped the independently annoying rapper across his big fat head. How much more of an Amityville warning do you need, Kanye? Get the fuck out of the house.
Vogue editor Anna Wintour had famously banned Kim Kardashian from her annual Met Gala in previous years, but one of the perks of dating the world’s biggest rap star is that people tend to change their minds. So after Kim, Anna and Kanye West got together for lunch recently, it was pretty clear that Anna had lifted the ban for this year’s punk-themed event, which took place last night in New York City.
And while the rest of the stars that didn’t need special consideration showed up in outfits that adhered to the “PUNK: Chaos to Couture” theme (that naturally pissed off some in the punk world), Kim decided to dress as a set piece from the Golden Girls. In defense of the dress, it was designed by Kanye’s best friend, Riccardo Tisci of Givenchy, but Kim had it altered to feature sleeves because her stylist thought it made her arms look fat, according to The Daily Mail.
It has been about six years since Kim Kardashian accepted $5 million from Vivid Entertainment for the release of her amateur porn that she recorded with then-unknown hip hop artist Ray J in 2003. So while Kim and now-unknown hip hop artist Ray J presumably haven’t slept together in a decade, the latter has released a new video for his single, “I Hit it First”, which is obviously directed at Kim’s current boyfriend and eventual third ex-husband Kanye West.
Ray J even hired a Kim lookalike for the new video, which would be cool if he’d produced it in 2004 and all of the lyrics were about football players. But this is just sad now. Even a guy waking up from a coma after 10 years is probably like, “Get over it, loser.”