All the people who get upset over shit are really upset about Kanye West taking $3 million bucks to play the wedding of the grandson of the Royal Poobah of Kazakistan. I don’t think Kazakhstan was even a country on the last day I was ever in a school, but I’m guessing it’s located somewhere to the east of the I Don’t Give a Shit Mountains and just below the Middle of Fucking Nowhere Valley. And maybe the Great Leader of Kazakhstan likes to beat and torture people. But is he really any worse than half the people who attend Kanye concerts now? Is a dictator any worse than playing to the Kardashians? Meh, the Kardashians may not beat their opponents with truncheons in the streets, but would you rather take a stick to the face or three years of Khloe incessantly whining on Twitter? Precisely.
With the way the Kardashians are laying waste to the former shells of Lamar Odom and Kris Humphreys and Reggie Bush and Ray J before even him, I don’t blame Kanye for digging deep into his pockets for a couple million for a couple of armor plated SUVs straight from Latvia. When you want a superior sports car, you go to Germany. A fine tuned low maintenance machine, Japan. But when you need to be insulated from RPG attack or Kris Jenner trying to smother you to your grave with her angry vagina, you need automotive defense technology only the Latvians can supply.
Let’s see. What great celebrity guests has Kris Jenner booked on her daytime talk show this week. Khloe Kardashian, Scott Disick, Kyle Jenner, Kendall Jenner, and, today, going outside the bloodline for Kanye West, who brought along the big reveal, a picture of his bastard baby with Kim Kardashian, North West. The first photo reveal of the baby, being used to try and save Kris Jenner’s show. Kris has been criticized since launching her day time talk show directed at both key day time demos of fat and unemployed, that she spends too much time talking about and sharing about her famous whoring family. But, what’s she going to do to get ratings in this final week before Fox decides whether to pick up her struggling show for the Fall? Whore out the baby. Kris Jenner would carve that child up on her show if she thought it would help her earn an extra week’s paycheck. Anyone who didn’t see this coming obviously doesn’t follow the Kardashians or have any knowledge of how Satan walks this earth.
One of the only redeeming qualities that Kanye West has had is the fact that he seems like he despises Kris Jenner, which is hilarious because she tries so hard to make everyone believe that her life and family are perfect, and she totally doesn’t look at her daughters and grandkids and see them as piles of cash. But fuck that remaining shred of Kanye’s humanity, because he recorded an interview for The Kris Jenner Show yesterday that will air on Friday.
According to the Daily Mail, Kanye joked that he was so in love with Kim Kardashian that he considered becoming an athlete, and people laughed because his baby’s mother used to date Reggie Bush and Miles Austin, and she was married to the chromosome-deficient Kris Humphries. And what better way to say you love someone than by making jokes about all the people she’s had sex with in front of her own mother and the 16 people who watch her show?
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Kanye “Yeezus Chrizzle” West was booed at a Dodgers’ game on Wednesday. Our lord and savior was at the stadium watching the Dodgers take on the New York Mets. When the Jumbotron cameras focused in on him during an inning break, the crowd exploded into boos and screams of hate. Later, the same camera focused on pop singer Robin Thicke and that same crowd went crazy. It looks like the inevitable has happened and even the smug L.A. tide has turned against this enormous douchenozzle. Maybe it’s his shitty new album, maybe it’s that Kim Kardashian shat out his bastard ferret, or maybe it’s just that he’s a remarkably unlikeable guy. Or, maybe, he’s just being treated like Jesus. Kanye is probably thinking that much like the carpenter from Nazareth, haters gonna hate him to death. Robin Thicke is the Barabbas the crowd prefers to the real Yeeziah. Only if Kanye gets crucified I doubt he’ll rise again on the third day. Let’s nail him up and see what happens.
Co-host of The Talk, judge for the U.K.’s X Factor and all-around honest, old bitch Sharon Osbourne recently did an interview with The Daily Beast, and in between ripping Anthony Weiner and praising Mariah Carey, Ozzy’s wife took a few moments to spit hot fire at Kanye West and Justin Bieber for basically being massive douchebags.
Of Kanye, she said, “… he’s an average-looking man with an average talent, but he’s a great salesman” and stated the more-than-obvious that he’s his own No. 1 fan. As for Justin, she claims that she feels bad for him as he tries so hard to be a tough bad boy, calling him “mean as a fuckin’ kitten” while reminding everyone that very few teen stars make the transition to adult very well.
Of course, Sharon wasn’t asked for her opinion of herself, because if she ever answers that question, she’d have to return to hell to once again serve as one of Satan’s hemorrhoids.
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