Kim Kardashian Inexplicably Not Such a Great Mom

By Jack December 02, 2013 @ 1:41 PM

 

America’s favorite baby mama, Kim Kardashian, is tired of people saying she is a shitty mother. Ever since she yelped out Kanye West’s bastard child from her lower gaping maw in June, she’s seems to have gone on with her life as if nothing happened. She still follows Kanye around on tour like a groupie star banger, taking selfies in the bathroom without her underpants on before shows. In response to some Twitter follower accusing her of not spending enough time with daughter North West, she replied with,

“@jlmcbryde u sound so ignorant. Bc I don’t tweet or instagram my every move w my daughter means I am not with her 247? We share what we want. Or is it bc I go support my fiance at every show & I post pix? When the baby goes down 4 bed or a nap, parents are allowed 2 work & support each other, maybe even have fun too.”

Yes, you marble-brained phonetic speller. This is all hate on you for being a supportive working mom. And you’re only leaving your kid when she’s napping. Like when she conveniently napped for a week so you could go to Paris Fashion Week and get free samples. Or the seven hour power naps she takes thrice daily to allow you time to make up and wardrobe your reality show jaunts. It’s wonderful how you travel with your baby daddy to support his show because Kanye really needs your constant care. In contrast. infants have been found surviving in natural disaster rubble almost forty-eight hours on their own provided temperatures don’t drop in the evenings.

Kanye West Blasts Nike, Blames Obama’s Failure on Not Being Jewish, Won’t Shut the Fuck Up

By Lex November 29, 2013 @ 1:49 PM

Even though he’s likely getting some trim on the side, Kim Kardashian’s seismic birthing of the demon baby has been rough on Kanye West. He’s taking his jizz backup and turning it into daily idiotic tirades at radio stations and in concert. During his tour stop in Nashville, Kanye broke from his mediocre raps to bust out on Nike CEO Mark Parker for fucking up the Air Yeezy shoe line.

Did you not want the Yeezys? Nike would make you believe it was my fault that you couldn’t get them, but that was not the case. I wanted there to be as many Yeezys as there was LeBrons, and I wanted them to be at a good price, but that was not my choice, and we’re going to change everything. And … I’m going to create more than you think that any musician in the history of time ever could have.”

Kanye then accused Parker and Nike of ‘losing their culture’, which basically comes down to the fact they’re not paying Kanye royalties on his stupid looking shoes. And they’re not selling as well as the LeBrons. I’m sure Nike must’ve told Kanye at some point that’s because LeBron is the greatest basketball player in the world, while you rank 18th on BET’s list of hip hop artists, and, oh, by the way, people really don’t want to dunk like a singer.

Kanye wasn’t quite done with his philosophizing on people he sees as nearly his peers, like President Obama, who he said is having a tough go of it because black people aren’t connected like the Jews are. I guess he was comparing Obama’s administration difficulties to the great Jewish President nobody ever. Obama and Kanye, just two oppressed black men struggling to get by.

Kanye Says Kim And Not Kate Upton Is The New Marilyn Monroe

By Jack November 28, 2013 @ 12:52 PM

Kanye West continued his deluded fuckhead radio tour by claiming that his trashy girlfriend Kim Kardashian is the new Marilyn Monroe. The revelation came in the middle of an epic 45 minute rant on the Power 105′s Breakfast Club radio show. The subject came up of Vanity Fair hiring Kate Upton to pose as Marilyn Monroe on their cover. Kanye ain’t having none of that shit. He said,

“I have a love-hate relationship with the paparazzi, but actually I love them because they are empowering us. They are empowering us over Vanity Fair that want to say that Kate Upton is Marilyn Monroe. Kate Upton ain’t Marilyn Monroe, Kim is Marilyn Monroe.”

Yes, because God forbid something not be about the two of them for five fucking minutes. Marilyn Monroe embodied the ideal of desirable woman for her time. She was blond and curvy and sassy and knew the fine art of the tease. Can you imagine Kim Kardashian singing Happy Birthday, Mr. President to the Commander in Chief? She’d groan like a wounded bear and pull down her girdle as her mom cackled for Obama to bang her daughter’s ass like a Kenyan warrior. Actually, I’d watch that.

Kanye Says Kim’s Reality Show Promotes Interracial Relationships

By Jack November 27, 2013 @ 4:51 PM

Kanye West defended his baby mama Kim Kardashian’s vapid TV show Keeping Up With The Kardashians as promoting interracial relationships. Our lord and saviour Yeezus was on “The Pablo Show” on a Washington D.C. radio station when the subject of Kim’s crappy show came up. According to Kanye, the fact that the Kardashian girls fetishize black men like it’s going out of style helps interracial marriages:

“I’d like to point out that I feel that ‘The Cosby Show’ that I grew up on is part of the reason why America was prepped to accept, you know, a middle class black family in that way. And a lot of what the Kardashians do that I don’t think they get enough credit, is they prep America to understand interracial relationships.”

Um, I doubt it. I think the last thing that anyone thinks about that show is that the Kardshians boning black dudes is groundbreaking. Or the idea of using sex for fame and fortune, out of wedlock babies, messy ugly divorces, and trying to scheme famous athletes and celebrities into joining in the publicity fest. None of this is new. But I’m happy that Kanye has found a completely baseless positive to think about Kim and her family. It probably means he will beat her less when shit goes south within the year.

Kim Kardashian’s Publicist Has Her Tweet That She And Kanye Are Cool With Being Spoofed

By Lex November 26, 2013 @ 5:28 PM

Kanye West Performs With Jesus And Lies Down Onstage At Madison Square Garden

Yeezus doesn’t like being mocked. Or talked to or even looked at or acknowledged in any manner save for applause and prayers, naturally. So when Kim Kardashian tweeted that Kanye thought Seth Rogen and James Franco’s parody of Kanye’s Bound 2 music video was rip-roaring hilarious, the truth meter committed seppuku:

“Kanye says what’s up!.He loves u guys! He laughed so hard at this.” — Kim Kardashian Tweet to Seth Rogen

Earlier Kim had Tweeted: “You nailed it!!! Sooo funny!” As a little reminder on decoding celebrity Tweets. one exclamation point means regular old lying. Multiples means P.R. agent lying. Or, you can just take a moment and imagine Kanye laughing at himself. I know, I can’t either. He’s scared of Kim, but he probably beat a few of his more submissive apostles into mid-range comas.

Photo Credit: WENN

Kanye West Wants You To Boycott Louis Vuitton

By Travis November 26, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Because he thinks that he’s the most important person in the world at all times, Kanye West is calling for his fans to boycott Louis Vuitton after the company’s vice president allegedly refused a meeting with him. The rapper told 92.3 NOW Radio that while he was in Paris, he wanted to have a pow wow with Louis Vuitton, probably to push his leather sweatpants, and he claims that Yves Carcelle asked why they even needed to meet. “I said, ‘Let me explain to you why you need to meet with me,’” Kanye replied in his imaginary conversation with his own bad ass self, according to the Daily Mail, and without explaining anything further, he added, “Everybody in New York City right now don’t buy any Louis Vuitton until after January.”

That’ll show the big, bad fashion company, Kanye. Just wait until they feel the sting of five people not buying overpriced purses for two months. I bet Yves might even kill himself.

Photo Credit: Getty