68th Annual Cannes Red Carpet

By Lex May 14, 2015 @ 12:13 PM

68th Annual Cannes Red Carpet
Cannes started again. Nobody can seem to stop it. Cannes is the annual film event in the South of France where European people you don’t know but are quite certain you would hate mix with Americans you know you hate to celebrate movies you will never watch. Roman Polanski will merge with Sean Penn and form a mega-roid-child-raping self satisfied beast that accepts the French adulation, followed shortly by their terms free surrender. Tons of good looking women show up so you’d go and pretend you fucking loved it if you had the chance. That’s pretty much the breakdown of every formal event ever. Wear a suit if you’re expecting to be laid or paid. You can thank me thirty years from now when it’s far too late.

Photo Credit: Getty

The Women’s Movement Needs Fresh Ideas

By Lex March 12, 2015 @ 10:39 AM


Karlie Kloss and a few other models had their likenesses removed from fashion billboards in New York to symbolize the #NotThere campaign, publicizing the too tired to argue notion that women are still not treated equally to men. You know it’s a well-planned awareness campaign when you need to explain to people what it means.


I thought maybe you got in a fight with Kate Spade. Is that even a real person? Did you pound each with your heels? I saw two women fight like that once. It was spectacular.

The Not-There Org is pushing daily solutions for helping raise the esteem of girls everywhere.

The Girls Scouts were founded 103 years ago today. Celebrate by telling a girl in your life how much you believe in her.

Previous days suggestions have encouraged bedtime reading to daughters since girls are routinely locked in shame closets while parents read to their sons. Also, explaining to girls that the Kim Kardashian mobile game is just fantasy and scheming superficial reality show whores don’t exist in real life.

These Not-There ideas all seem good, but not particularly great. Not as great as the fact that a strong majority of law and medicine and other professional school graduates are now women. That politics is increasingly run by female elected officials and appointees. That women represent a majority of eligible voters in this democracy and were the clear deciding demographic in electing President Obama to eight years in office. There’s also that fall back position about being able to wrap even the most powerful of men around their finger tips simply but making a kissy face and wearing a short skirt. Is that degrading? I don’t know, my first paying job in this male-dominated world was mopping up vomit in toilet stalls. I’d have traded that in for showing some skin and giving an old guy a half chubby. Where’s my United Nations sanctioned holiday?

Some day Glynda will descend and remind women that they had the power all along. Now please put the impossibly skinny models back in the fashion billboards to drive girls into fits of despair and lifelong credit problems.

Karlie Kloss Nip Slip in Versace

By Lex January 28, 2015 @ 9:57 AM

Karlie Kloss Nip Slip On Versace Runway
Everybody in Paris was buzzing about Taylor Swift’s lesbian girlfriend’s nipple slip during the Versace show. I think. They speak that gobbledygook language. They might’ve been talking about what sparkling white pairs best with cock. The only excitement in a fashion show is when you see some tit. Everything else is just the white noise of rich people without enviable hobbies. All the designers know they’re frauds with their auto-tuned versions of whatever shit came out years before. The buyers know it, the models, the French waiters cupping their dirty ball sacks then rubbing their soiled fingers over the drinking glasses of the fascists. It’s a grand illusion. Which like any dream is only worth having when a chick is topless and she’s not your mother. I really wish I’d stop having that one.

Photo Credit: INF/Getty

Taylor Swift’s Not Lesbian Girlfriend Borrowing Her Clothes

By Lex December 12, 2014 @ 1:28 PM

Karlie Kloss In Tight Leather Pants While Walking In NYC
I suppose this is the natural happenstance of having a best friend who you occasionally make out with and sleeps over at your place a lot and looks rather suspiciously just like you. They’re going to start dressing in your shit. At some point Taylor Swift is going to have to tell Karlie Kloss they need some boundaries and give her stuff back. Perhaps in a song. Just no confrontations on T & K’s pizza and purge night. That’s sacred.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Victoria’s Secret 2014 Fashion Show British Style

By Lex December 03, 2014 @ 9:25 AM

Victoria Secret 2014 Fashion Show
The Victoria’s Secret fashion show was a huge hit in London last night, aiding the country of England in their annual determination of which of their foppish male denizen are gay and which just seem super gay. It wasn’t quite as crude as a boner test, more like seeing if you said something approximating ‘love the feathers’ at any point during the show. There were a few tense moments when producers worried the black models might hold up some kind of Ferguson protest signs, until somebody remembered they refuse to hire any black models and everything went off without a hitch. Sally forth.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Karlie Kloss In Lingerie

By Lex October 31, 2014 @ 1:15 PM

Karlie Kloss In Lingerie For Victorias Secret Heavenly Luxe Fragrance
Taylor Swift’s not lesbian lover Karlie Kloss really cleans up nice. After a night of Parcheesi and truth or dare that involved nothing but disheartening truths, Karlie slipped into a little something more trashy to hawk some cheap perfume. With news that Paris Hilton licensed stink is now doing $2 billion in aroma sales around the world, Victoria’s Secret is stepping up the fight for a little piece of the action in nations where the only known cure for body odor is more perfume. The desire to slather artificial floral chems across my body to smell like French bidet potpourri has ever eluded me. But were I so inclined, I’d definitely look toward anorexic lingerie models or herpetic crank eyed heiresses to define my scent. 2 billion, really world? Fuck.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret