Kate Bosworth gets forgotten about, but she’s terrific. She’s sexy as hell, while at the same time, if she were any cuter she would technically be a panda in a cowboy hat. Gwyneth Paltrow on the other hand is a mean old bitch who looks like a ghost you would see near a Civil War graveyard.
Keeping these two indisputable facts in mind, it’s no wonder that Paltrows husband is cheating on her with Bosworth. Star magazine says…
“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” an eyewitness tells Star. “There was Chris (Martin) totally making out with Kate in front of other people. At first I thought it might be Gwyneth, but when she came up for air, it was clear the woman was Kate!”
Despite what you may have heard, sex with a pot-bellied big-toothed ghost leaves a lot to be desired. I don’t know if Martin really is cheating on Paltrow, but yes, Martin is 100 percent really cheating on Paltrow. Of course he is. Why wouldn’t he? She’s a damn monster.
(picture source = pacific coast and getty)
KATE BOSWORTH – after dating for three years, Kate reportedly dumped her boyfriend (this dork) over the weekend. And I wore some snug fit jeans and a sleeveless mesh t-shirt to the clubs this weekend. Coincidence, or did mommy see something she liked? (source = star)
RIHANNA – some quotes from teen girls in NYC about Chris Brown beating up Rihanna: “He shouldn’t get into trouble. She probably feels bad that it was her fault, so she took him back.” “She deserves it for being so jealous.” “She probably made him mad for him to react like that.” “SHAME ON YOU RIHANNA!!!” “She probably ran into a door and was too embarrassed so blamed it on Chris.” Note to self: go beat up teen girls in NYC. They don’t mind. (source = new york times)
LADY GAGA – you could live to a hundred and travel the world and never see anyone less sexy than Lady GaGa, yet I’m still strangely compelled to stare at her tits. Being a dude really sucks sometimes. (source = pacific coast)
When I say "more of this", I don’t mean lying on top of dudes (in this case her boyfriend James Rousseau), I just mean prancing around in a bikini, as she did this weekend in Malibu. Although this bitch is still skinny as a rail. Keep in mind the camera adds 10 pounds and yet she still looks like she spent the last six months behind barbed wire. When I inevitably have sex with her, I’m gonna have to use a speculum just to get my penis inside her.
(more kate pictures over here)
It only makes sense that in a city of 8 million people, Dax Shepard and Liv Tyler would be having lunch (wait what…) and suddenly Kate Bosworth would sit down right next to them. And then Liv would try to get to first base with Kate. Holy moly, you'd think Kate had a chocolate center by the way Liv pounces on her. Seriously, that’s a pretty passionate kiss, and kissing is the hottest form of foreplay, and the fastest way to get a girl in the mood. At least that's what your mom told me.
I'm happy that there are more pictures today from Hawaii showing Kate Bosworth in a bikini, because she looks absolutely fantastic. I woke up this morning and my stuffed animals were stuck to my legs, but we all agree that she looks great. I can't take all of the credit of course, but most people would agree that I deserve all the credit and am a hero because when Kate and I go to dinner, I often make little piggy sounds when she goes to take a bite and cough "fatass" into my napkin when the guy asks if we saved any room for desert. Mine is a shame-based system to get girls to lose weight, combined with ridicule and mental torture, and it's controversial because seven girls have died, but I think the results speak for themselves.
Oh hey whats this.
If you're in a pretend sexual relationship with Kate Bosworth like I am, these picture will be sure to warm your heart, since it looks like she's put on some weight lately. Granted, it's only maybe a pound or two, but that's like 45 percent of her total body mass, so it's definitely a step up and 100 percent better than last year, when she looked like she just punched her way out of a haunted graveyard. Now she looks fantastic. These were taken this weekend although I'm not sure where. Heaven? Some people may think she still looks too thin, and since beauty is subjective, there's no definitive definition of what is attractive and what is not, but if you think she doesn't look hot, you're wrong and a jerk and I hate you and I hope you die.
