Kate Gosselin Like a Face Lifted Phoenix

By Lex June 01, 2015 @ 9:28 AM

Kate Gosselin Attends The TLC Black Party In Philadelphia
I’m not sure how much a river of Botox is in cc’s, but Kate Gosselin is looking fine at forty. There’s no reason she can’t take another dozen embryos into her shudder pouch and give them life on camera. Now that the Duggars have been exposed for not being the normal kind of dangerously reproducing compound fanatics, Gosselin’s eight kids once again seems like a big deal. TLC is scrambling to get more Kate Plus Eight shows on the air with some enhanced dramatic through lines. In the emergency produced summer pickup, three of the kids will be injected with ebola with the cure being just slightly more than Kate can afford on her alimony and self-help books on vagina rejuvenation. It’s not quite as dramatic as molesting your little sisters in their sleep, but watching tweens extrude themselves to death is a ratings bonanza. If only Kate had the working facial muscles left to cry. Somebody get the squirt gun. Punch her first so her eyes turn red. Absolutely, closed fist.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

TLC Is Giving Kate Gosselin More Money

By Travis March 19, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

TLC announced yesterday that at some point in June, it will air a one-time special featuring Kate Gosselin and her eight children to answer the biggest question on every asshole’s mind: “Why haven’t those poor children been taken away from their desperately attention-starved mother?” Or, as the network that once prided itself as educational put it, it’ll be a chance to catch up with Kate and her kids to see how life is going for them right now. The whole thing will be manipulative PR bullshit, obviously, because we just watched Kate’s 13-year old twins make her look like Cruella De Vil on live TV, and professional waiter Jon Gosselin has “written” a tell-all book about his side of the story, of which he said, “Kate will flip.”

If TLC wanted to do the right thing and make it up to the world for even introducing us to these assholes in the first place, they put the kids in a separate room, offer them each a new home and checks for their college educations, and then allow them to pick which island their parents should be dropped on with only one knife between them.

Photo Credit: Getty

Jon Gosselin Wants Custody Of His Sextuplets

By Travis January 23, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Now that Kate Gosselin is once again, at the very least, a temporary laughing stock after her two oldest daughters embarrassed her during their interview on Today, Jon Gosselin is finding that as many people as he can count on a hand kind of give a shit about what he thinks about it. Apparently he has known that his kids hate their mom all along – shocking, I know – and now he’s finally doing something, because InTouch reported that the former reality star and douchiest dad of the 00s is suing for primary custody of the sextuplets. “They live in fear of Kate,” he told the magazine, “Every time I see them, they tell me they want to live with me.”

That’s interesting because Jon lives in a shitty cabin with no TV or internet, so even if they do actually want to live with him, they’ll be begging Cruella de Vil to come pick them up within a week. Any child would deal with constant neglect and humiliation if it at least means getting HBO.

Photo Credit: TNYF/WENN.com

Kate Gosselin’s Kids Don’t Lie as Easily As She Does (VIDEO)

By Lex January 16, 2014 @ 3:35 PM

Even Al Qaeda knows you don’t just grab a Westerner and put them on camera to talk about how the U.S. is the Great Satan. No, they rehearse with their kidnap victim, they practice, they lay down some vicious and brutal beatings to completely break the spirit. Then they turn on the cameras. I’m not sure how many steps Kate Gosselin got into that process with her two young teen girls before she let them go live in a ridiculously staged Q&A on The Today Show, but it was total fail. Kate’s been doing the media rounds with all the unquestioning suckup media outlets like People magazine to try and rehabilitate her image from hellacious demon back to the shrieking Harpy that simpletons and ladies with rosacea first fell in love with. On the Today Show, her twin girls Mady and Cara, who I guess were born without their moms innate ability to smile and lie, went stone cold silent when prompted with pre-arranged questions about how normal, nice, and down-home their mom and family are. Even when Kate reminded them of their rehearsed answers, they were either too shy or too filled with human decency to ape their scripted lines. Kate tried to cover up the media disaster by making little funnies while silently calling upon her protector Hades to strike the set with a power outage. It’s hard to say precisely what Kate intends to do about her uncooperative little brats, but look closer at their next on-camera and see if you don’t notice her girls look a little stiff and wooden with Kate’s hand up their backsides.

Jon Gosselin Is Still Stuck on His Horrible Wife

By Michael December 30, 2013 @ 4:03 PM

Jon Gosselin called his ex wife and fellow horrible person Kate Gosselin all kinds of yucky names. The two assholes rose to fame a few years ago when Kate bio-mechanically squeezed out a litter of eight pups like a suburban labrador retriever. The two starred in Jon and Kate + 8, which was a worse show than the one on the Health Channel that shows colonoscopies set to Peter, Paul, and Mary songs. The Gosselin couple later split in a very nasty divorce and Jon is now working as a waiter.who can’t seem to let his ex-wife quite go. Jon says of his former bride,

“Everyone thinks I’m out to get Kate. I don’t give a fuck! What would I get out of it? Everyone knows she’s an asshole, you know what I mean? I don’t have to — she’s proven that! Kate wants to still be on television. She’s now digging into the past, because that’s what sells. Too late, honey. No one gives a fuck, really.”

Well, nobody gives a fuck but you obviously. Once you stop talking about her constantly, Kate will disappear from consciousness, maybe even for real. She might actually just be a horrible figment of collective imaginations that only exists if we let her. She’s like Pennywise the Dancing Clown. Time for the losers to finally confront her in her most bone-chilling form.

Kate Gosselin Sues Jon Gosselin Because She Can

By Lex August 28, 2013 @ 9:29 AM

Kate Gosselin At A Zappos Marathon In Las Vegas
Kate Gosselin is suing her ex-husband Jon because she wants money. I ran it through my pea-sized brain why else it could be, but, no, it’s just money. Whatever that dipshit has left from paying child support for eight kids, she wants it. So about two cents. She claims Jon hacked into her computer and email and bank accounts to get information for a tell-all book he had written about her a year ago that nobody bought. Because until one of them murders the other or one of the kids wipes them both out in their sleep for making the nice cameramen go away, their media tale is over. Naturally, hacking into other people’s bank accounts is a Federal offense punishable by your heinous ex-wife suing you for money.

Photo Credit: Getty, WENN