Little kids love Easter because they get tons of candy and go on big scavenger hunts and run around like maniacs. It’s a great day to be a kid. Unless you’re mom is Kate Gosselin, who is a mean bitch that will yell at you all day. Literally no one on earth is less qualified to raise 8 kids. She has no patience and can never seem to get away from them fast enough. Conner Peterson had better parents than these poor kids.
Kate Gosselin is famous because she had a cable show called ‘Jon and Kate Plus 8′ and her condescending attitude was so relentless that her male partner couldn’t take it anymore. But that’s all changed. Now she does all that on ‘Dancing With The Stars’.
During dance rehearsals, (her partner) Tony Dovolani, quit. That’s right, quit. As in took his mic off and walked out. Their problems simply began with a lack of communication. As Tony feels undermined by Kate, she feels as though he isn’t taking into consideration with how she learns. Alas, Tony returns after saying he quit and leaving Kate in tears. She thanks him for returning, saying, “A lot of people quit on me in life.”
The trainwreck that ensues is too painful to watch. Kate’s stiff and robotic movements were not nearly as bad as the frightened, frozen look on her face during her jive. She forgot most of the choreography and frequently spoke to Tony mid-dance, presumably to ask what the hell she was doing.
The best part of the video is the end because Kate looks so bewildered, as if this impossible man, who has been on the show for 9 seasons, is a monster who doesn’t know how to teach dancing right. She says “I don’t get it” again and again. And of course she doesn’t get it. She’s a fucking moron, whose only talent was to have kids flying out of her vagina, one after the other, like it was a slide at a water park.
MICHAEL J. FOX - will be given an honorary doctorate in Sweden because he’s raised $175M to find new drugs to treat Parkinsons. Preferably drugs that don’t need to be injected so he doesn’t bleed to death before he can even see if it works. (the AP)
ANGELINA JOLIE - had an affair with Mick Jagger in 1997, when she was 21 and he was 53. Then again in 2003. This is according to a new biography on Jolie called, “Things I Made Up To Sell More Books”. (daily mail)
KATE GOSSELIN - showed off her new look at a party last night in New York to promote her appearance on ‘Dancing With The Stars’. Meanwhile, 2 of her 8 kids have regressed back to a feral, or “wolf-like”, state after being left alone in the woods of Pennsylvania for this long. (huffington post)
LINDSAY LOHAN - is dating guys again, specifically UK DJ Gareth Geno. Has the troubled starlet finally found “the one”? Will this new romance kick-start her once promising career? Just so you know if you answered either one of those I fucking hate you. (mirror)
10. KELLY BROOK IS PHOTOGENIC - this picture was the topic of some heated debate around the office while making the Top 100 list, with many feeling it should be the number 1 story of the year. Of course I’m the only one who works here, so it was mostly my penis taking a stand. Eventually we agreed on the Top 10. That’s the price of leadership. (May 20th)
9. PAULA ABDUL GOT FIRED FROM AMERICAN IDOL – because she was demanding a raise from 5 million to 20 million dollars a year. When they finished laughing several days later, the producers hired Ellen DeGeneres. Of course they could have trained a monkey to whack off in the corner and it still would have been more insightful than anything Paula had to say. Seacrest could say, “Thanks Simon, that’s a good point. What about you Masturbating Monkey, what did you think?” And they could cut to the monkey in the corner jacking off. They just have to be sure to not accidentally pan to Randy Jackson. I have to believe the NCAAP would have something to say about that. (August 5th)
If there’s no love in your heart this Christmas because you’ve been holding out for a single 34-year-old woman with 8 kids, zero jobs, and a terrible attitude, Us magazine has good news.
Jon and Kate Gosselin’s ten-year marriage is now history.
On Wednesday an arbitrator ruled how the former spouses would divide their real estate and other assets. While most of those details remain confidential, Kate’s attorney confirmed that the former reality mom “will continue to reside with all eight of her children in the former marital home” in Wernersville, Penn.
Kate noted, “I am very relieved that our divorce has been finalized, and I look forward to the New Year, focusing on our children” and “restructuring our lives.”
It’s so hard to believe that Jon is Asian. This is such specific white trash behavior, the Asians are way above this kind of thing, and the shame he’s brought to his family should have forced him to commit seppuku long ago, or whatever the Korean version is of that. The only thing about any of this that even seems a little bit Asian is the 8 kids. That’s 16 tiny hands to make shoes or whatever, and plenty to chose from if the government ever makes you throw all but 1 of them into the ocean.