Lindsay Lohan Got A New Mommy

By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 9:33 AM

Lindsay Lohan Has A New Mommy
Michael Lohan decided not to tell his kids that he was making an honest woman out of Kate Major the second she got out of jail gestating his second bastard child. It’s kind of romantic in an abandoned building shooting gallery love affair kind of way. Having his celebrity kids attend the wedding would’ve turned the entire event into a media circus rather than the quiet Satanic letting of the blood in the name of the Dark Master Michael and Kate were hoping for. After a quick service, the couple fed each other pieces of cake Michael had laced with human growth hormones and Rohypnol as he turned on a taped message for their toddler son to put a pillow over mommy’s face as she slept because it’s so funny.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Michael Lohan Hires Casey Anthony’s Attorney to Thwart Vaginal Bleeding

By Lex August 07, 2014 @ 2:46 PM


I thought we had come together as a society and decided eugenics were okey-dokey for crack whores and the Lohans. So, crack whores. But, no, Michael Lohan got his drug and alcohol addicted latest wife pregnant again. Now she’s in a Palm Beach jail for violating probation and her fecund lady parts are bleeding and nobody seems to care. Except Casey Anthony’s attorney who Lohan hired to make somebody care about the future child he intends to future fuck up like the last ones.

“She hasn’t showered in four days. The vent in her cell has mold, and every time the air turns on the mold pieces fall into her cell. She has bruises on her back because she is sleeping on a plastic bed with a thin mattress.”

I guess Michael Lohan hasn’t been watching Taylor Schilling’s tits in Orange is the New Black like the rest of us. It’s prison. Actually, you were the one who called the cops and had her arrested for violating her probation. Fucktard. Nobody deserves to be bleeding out their privates. Or not to be showering for four days when shoulder to shoulder with female check kiters and trailer park child endangerment moms. Your Florida women’s detention center staples. If Casey Anthony’s attorney could get Casey acquitted after squeezing the life out of her daughter so she could go to Red Lobster without having to ask for a booster seat, he can probably get an OB/GYN to patch up his baby mama in the pokey. Which means sixteen years from now Lohan can be selling this kid’s drug stories to TMZ at $5k a pop . At least somebody’s planning for their retirement.