By Lex December 09, 2014 @ 1:13 PM
The royals of England came and met with the Beyonce and Jay Z to discuss such things as how best to garage your fleet of Bentleys during the snowy season and a brief but telling trivia contest on how little each knew about the current whereabouts of their children. The meeting itself court-side at the Brooklyn Nets game was fairly brief, but served the purpose of allowing the British monarchs to be seen with important black figureheads in America without having to fake smile through another insufferable Obama dinner. Prince William once more was forced to fire his wardrobe chief for failing miserably at making him blend in at a commoners event.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex May 27, 2014 @ 12:41 PM
You can’t just run a photo montage in Deutschland’s leading cultural magazine comparing Kate Middleton’s bare ass to various Kardashian sister ass and not expect some kind of 007 style response. Kate Middleton is the best looking royal by a margin of infinity times one hundred goofy ears, receding hair lines, and inbred physical impediments. But unlike her brutal looking royal sorority sisters, Kate doesn’t sew led weights into her skirts to keep them from going Marilyn when hopping about the world doing whatever the fuck it is that British royals do. So, we get to see her bare white arse a lot. Which is a good thing for England. Because that empire has been shrinking fast in the past hundred years. They used to rule half the world, now they can barely hold on to London discos. That Duchess bottom isn’t anything like a Kardashian ass. Kate’s pucker is the neat little cork to plug up British diminution. Kardashian ass is what you lay down in the Channel to scuttle the Bismarck. Make no mistake, this is an act of war.
Photo credit: Bild.de
By Lex October 21, 2013 @ 12:33 PM
Kim Kardashian forced her baby out of her womb several weeks early to make sure her delivery news cycle did not get lost in the far more beloved Kate Middleton royal birth. This left Kim a full month head start to battle her fatty genetic destiny through Dunkin Donuts iced-coffee colonics and traditional starvation. But Kim can’t possibly compete with the future Queen who’s back in skinny jeans playing volleyball less than twelve-weeks after giving birth. Having a husband who doesn’t come around nightly like Kanye asking to rail you from behind while you consume an Italian hoagie probably helps. In fact, Kate’s husband doesn’t come around much at all now that he covered his eyes and produced and heir. Back to the all-boys fox hunt weekends where the plaintive wails echo from the sleeping tents long after the hounds are fast asleep.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, PCN
By Jack August 22, 2013 @ 11:29 AM
The nursery of the future king of England will have an Africa theme, because of course. You know Africa, that continent his family brutally subjugated up until a few decades ago. Apparently his dad, prince receding hairline, just loooooves Africa. It’s so, like, quaint and stuff with their crushing poverty and AIDS epidemic. Poverty, btw, that is largely a legacy of his family raping the continent so they could get diamonds for their shiny hats. Prince William said of the nursery theme,
“We’ll cover it in, you know, lots of bushes And things like that. (We’ll) make him grow up as if he’s in the bush.”
Go fuck yourself, you Limey prick. That kid is going to grow up in palaces as the future king of England. How the fuck is he going to grow up as if he is growing up as a subsistence farmer and hunter like the poor people of Africa? I know your mom used to go on poverty tours pretending she gave a shit about poor Africans, but we all know it was for show and to experience an occasional shtup from a cock that didn’t need apologizing for. Just be honest and make the theme of the nursery — you’re rich for no particular reason. That way your son can grow up with the same generalized sense of guilt that leads to hosting fundraisers for Africa in the backyard of one of the estates he already owns at six weeks old.
By Lex July 24, 2013 @ 2:27 PM
Here’s what I know about baby names. The more wacky the baby name, the more the parents want attention for themselves. That’s why celebrities keep giving their kids stupid names. Like North West. It’s a big ‘hey, look at us and our wild baby names’. They could give a shit about how badly that kid will be taunted at the reform school where they ultimately land for experimenting with drugs to forget their fucked up childhoods. God love the royals. The biggest royal baby in many generations and they went with George. George. That kid might actually stand a chance. He also inherited one billion dollars on birth. That should help.
By Lex July 22, 2013 @ 4:31 PM
I don’t know much about English royalty, but I think this birth means Kate Middleton now gets to live. Even when Prince William starts having sex with his homely cousins to whom he is naturally attracted, Kate will be protected from the guillotine by right of birthing a future king. For their part, the Brits are celebrating this glorious day by pouring HP sauce on all their food and talking about how awesome England was in the 1600′s.