By Lex October 21, 2013 @ 12:33 PM
Kim Kardashian forced her baby out of her womb several weeks early to make sure her delivery news cycle did not get lost in the far more beloved Kate Middleton royal birth. This left Kim a full month head start to battle her fatty genetic destiny through Dunkin Donuts iced-coffee colonics and traditional starvation. But Kim can’t possibly compete with the future Queen who’s back in skinny jeans playing volleyball less than twelve-weeks after giving birth. Having a husband who doesn’t come around nightly like Kanye asking to rail you from behind while you consume an Italian hoagie probably helps. In fact, Kate’s husband doesn’t come around much at all now that he covered his eyes and produced and heir. Back to the all-boys fox hunt weekends where the plaintive wails echo from the sleeping tents long after the hounds are fast asleep.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, PCN
By Jack August 22, 2013 @ 11:29 AM
The nursery of the future king of England will have an Africa theme, because of course. You know Africa, that continent his family brutally subjugated up until a few decades ago. Apparently his dad, prince receding hairline, just loooooves Africa. It’s so, like, quaint and stuff with their crushing poverty and AIDS epidemic. Poverty, btw, that is largely a legacy of his family raping the continent so they could get diamonds for their shiny hats. Prince William said of the nursery theme,
“We’ll cover it in, you know, lots of bushes And things like that. (We’ll) make him grow up as if he’s in the bush.”
Go fuck yourself, you Limey prick. That kid is going to grow up in palaces as the future king of England. How the fuck is he going to grow up as if he is growing up as a subsistence farmer and hunter like the poor people of Africa? I know your mom used to go on poverty tours pretending she gave a shit about poor Africans, but we all know it was for show and to experience an occasional shtup from a cock that didn’t need apologizing for. Just be honest and make the theme of the nursery — you’re rich for no particular reason. That way your son can grow up with the same generalized sense of guilt that leads to hosting fundraisers for Africa in the backyard of one of the estates he already owns at six weeks old.
By Lex July 24, 2013 @ 2:27 PM
Here’s what I know about baby names. The more wacky the baby name, the more the parents want attention for themselves. That’s why celebrities keep giving their kids stupid names. Like North West. It’s a big ‘hey, look at us and our wild baby names’. They could give a shit about how badly that kid will be taunted at the reform school where they ultimately land for experimenting with drugs to forget their fucked up childhoods. God love the royals. The biggest royal baby in many generations and they went with George. George. That kid might actually stand a chance. He also inherited one billion dollars on birth. That should help.
By Lex July 22, 2013 @ 4:31 PM
I don’t know much about English royalty, but I think this birth means Kate Middleton now gets to live. Even when Prince William starts having sex with his homely cousins to whom he is naturally attracted, Kate will be protected from the guillotine by right of birthing a future king. For their part, the Brits are celebrating this glorious day by pouring HP sauce on all their food and talking about how awesome England was in the 1600′s.
By Lex July 22, 2013 @ 6:05 AM
There’s nothing but excitement over the pending birth of this Windsor baby. I think it’s mostly British people hoping for their first attractive monarch in over four hundred years. I’ve never lived under the legal rule of a queen before, but I have been dominated by bossy women in relationships. It’s much easier to rationalize when they’re good looking. Even your friends will start off those hints to you with, ‘I know she’s good looking, but…’ That means something. A hot queen could bring back the luster to the royal regin. Of couse, they could pluck out another boy with big fucking ears and male pattern baldness. In which case, expect the Empire to continue to crumble.
By Jack June 14, 2013 @ 3:45 PM
Kate Middleton is considering forgoing modern science and giving birth under hypnosis. It’s one of those all-natural hippie birthing techniques that rich douchebags choose instead of plopping out kids high on drugs like God intended. And, the big question — why? This skeletal siren is the future queen of England. Her grandmother-in-law is the richest woman in the world. Her progeny will one day ascend to the throne. In other words, she can afford the best healthcare in the world. Think about all those countries that used to be part of the British Empire where women have to squat in a hut somewhere and hope that they don’t die and that their kid’s live to adult molar age. And Kate wants to do some new age bullshit? Fuck her in her royal ass. Kate should do like Queen Victoria told her daughter on her wedding night, “Lay still and think of Britain” and take an epidural.