Kate Middleton Has Some Nasty Dogs

Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton and the bald guy she married because he's worth billions visited India. India used to be a colonial territory in the British Empire until Indiansrealized fighting British guysisn't super hard.The royal couple removed their shoes for a tour of the Gandhi museum. Ghandi didn't eat for five years. The least you can do is take off your fucking shoes. Afoot specialist named Dave Wein was...read more

I'm Already Sick of the New Royal Baby

In a battle for tard supremacy, men breathlessly awaiting Mayweather-Pacquiao versus women unable to pass their bowelsuntil the next baby is born to the British royal family. This one won't even become fake ruler of the small cross-dressing remainder of the empire. I wouldn't judge the British people for their love of their recessive generoyal family, not while Kim Kardashian has forty million social media followers....read more

Beyonce and Jay Z Greet the Future King and Queen of England

The royals of England came and met with the Beyonce and Jay Z to discuss such things as how best to garage your fleet of Bentleys during the snowy season and a brief but telling trivia contest on howlittle each knew about the current whereabouts of their children. The meeting itself court-side at the Brooklyn Nets game was fairly brief, but served the purpose of allowing the British monarchs to be seen with important...read more

Kate Middleton Bare Ass Sparks German Aggression

You can't just run a photo montage in Deutschland's leading cultural magazine comparing Kate Middleton's bare ass to various Kardashian sister ass and not expect some kind of 007 style response. Kate Middleton is the best looking royal by a margin of infinity times one hundred goofy ears, receding hair lines, and inbred physical impediments. But unlike her brutal looking royal sorority sisters, Kate doesn't sew led...read more

Kate Middleton Plays Volleyball

Kim Kardashian forced her baby out of her womb several weeks early to make sure her delivery news cycle did not get lost in the far more beloved Kate Middleton royal birth. This left Kim a full month head start to battle her fatty genetic destiny through Dunkin Donuts iced-coffee colonics and traditional starvation. But Kim can't possibly compete with the future Queen who's back in skinny jeans playing volleyball less...read more

Prince George's Nursery Will Be Africa Themed

The nursery of the future king of England will have an Africa theme, because of course. You know Africa, that continent his family brutally subjugated up until a few decades ago. Apparently his dad, prince receding hairline, just loooooves Africa. It's so, like, quaint and stuff with their crushing poverty and AIDS epidemic. Poverty, btw, that is largely a legacy of his family raping the continent so they could get...read more

The Royals Name Their Baby: George

Here's what I know about baby names. The more wacky the baby name, the more the parents want attention for themselves. That's why celebrities keep giving their kids stupid names. Like North West. It's a big 'hey, look at us and our wild baby names'. They could give a shit about how badly that kid will be taunted at the reform school where they ultimately land for experimenting with drugs to forget their fucked up...read more

Prince William and Kate Middleton Produce a Male Heir

I don't know much about English royalty, but I think this birth means Kate Middleton now gets to live. Even when Prince William starts having sex with his homely cousins to whom he is naturally attracted, Kate will be protected from the guillotine by right of birthing a future king. For their part, the Brits are celebrating this glorious day by pouring HP sauce on all their food and talking about how awesome England...read more

Kate Middleton Goes Into Labor; Everybody Do Something

There's nothing but excitement over the pending birth of this Windsor baby. I think it's mostly British people hoping for their first attractive monarch in over four hundred years. I've never lived under the legal rule of a queen before, but I have been dominated by bossy women in relationships. It's much easier to rationalize when they're good looking. Even your friends will start off those hints to you with, 'I know...read more

Kate Middleton Considering Hippie Hypno-Birth

Kate Middleton is considering forgoing modern science and giving birth under hypnosis. It's one of those all-natural hippie birthing techniques that rich douchebags choose instead of plopping out kids high on drugs like God intended. And, the big question -- why? This skeletal siren is the future queen of England. Her grandmother-in-law is the richest woman in the world. Her progeny will one day ascend to the throne....read more

Europe Will Always Suck More Than The U.S.

As admittedly lame and puritanical as the U.S. is when it comes to female nudity (the U.S. government will remove your license to broadcast if you show a titty or say the word 'fuck' lest we all suffer thehellfire from above), Europeans are far worse with their idiotic royals. We decided that shit was a bad idea over 200 years ago. They're still catching up. Which is why people in France are now being criminally...read more

Kate Middleton's Honker All the Rage

The universe did Kate Middleton a huge favor by birthing her from an English chick's chunnel, because by New York City standards Kate's pretty average looking. But make her British and nobility, and suddenly hordes of 'me-too' New York women are all running to plastic surgeons to get the 'Kate Middleton nose'. I blame retarded Disney films for making all chicks want to be fucking princesses. Walt Disney didn't have...read more

Kate Middleton Is Having A Girl

The Royal Family does absolutely nothing when it comes to running the United Kingdom, but they have a shit ton of money, so they get to pretend that crowns and robes still mean something over there. English people eat it up, too, because if Prince William was just Bill the accountant he'd probably have to pay for sex, even with a girl like Kate Middleton, who on her best days is a solid 7. But since William is a...read more

Snooki has some parenting advice for Princess Kate

I don't have any kids myself, because I hate them, but I know that many new parents worry constantly and are terrified that they're doing everything wrong. I also know that not one of them has ever thought, "I sure would like some parenting tips from that drunk goblin in New Jersey," but here they are anyway: Snooki, who gave birth to a son in August, sent her best wishes to the royal family. "Congrats to Will and...read more

Princess Kate is pregnent

The Royal Family announced today that Kate Middleton, who married Prince William in April of 2011, is expecting her first child. It's still early on in her pregnancy, but she was admitted to a hospital in London today for morning sickness and also because she does tons of whippets. Like, 50 a day. Bitch has a problem.read more