Kate Middleton is considering forgoing modern science and giving birth under hypnosis. It’s one of those all-natural hippie birthing techniques that rich douchebags choose instead of plopping out kids high on drugs like God intended. And, the big question — why? This skeletal siren is the future queen of England. Her grandmother-in-law is the richest woman in the world. Her progeny will one day ascend to the throne. In other words, she can afford the best healthcare in the world. Think about all those countries that used to be part of the British Empire where women have to squat in a hut somewhere and hope that they don’t die and that their kid’s live to adult molar age. And Kate wants to do some new age bullshit? Fuck her in her royal ass. Kate should do like Queen Victoria told her daughter on her wedding night, “Lay still and think of Britain” and take an epidural.
As admittedly lame and puritanical as the U.S. is when it comes to female nudity (the U.S. government will remove your license to broadcast if you show a titty or say the word ‘fuck’ lest we all suffer the hellfire from above), Europeans are far worse with their idiotic royals. We decided that shit was a bad idea over 200 years ago. They’re still catching up. Which is why people in France are now being criminally investigated because they showed pictures of Kate Middleton naked in their magazine. That’s not just Kate Middleton, that’s the Duchess of Cambridge, and the future queen of England. The royal-sucking European world was outraged that somebody dared show her pancake titties off to the commoners. So the royals called in their hunting dogs and are now going after journalists in France. Eff you, British royalty for making me feel sorry for anybody French.
The universe did Kate Middleton a huge favor by birthing her from an English chick’s chunnel, because by New York City standards Kate’s pretty average looking. But make her British and nobility, and suddenly hordes of ‘me-too’ New York women are all running to plastic surgeons to get the ‘Kate Middleton nose’. I blame retarded Disney films for making all chicks want to be fucking princesses. Walt Disney didn’t have much love for the Semitic types, so it’s ironic that his company’s doodles are making Jewish girls ask for a WASPy Kate nose for their sweet sixteen. ‘No, honey, you can’t have a Jasmine or an Ariel, how about a Kate. She’s a real princess. Well, I mean, she did fuck a real prince.’
Plastic surgery trends suck because you wind up with a ton of women who all look the same, which is boring, and it’s even worse if they’re molding their faces in homage to a solid seven. If dudes want to hump a generic looking plastic chick they should just buy a blow-up doll so they don’t have to listen to the verbal diarrhea that surely must froth from the mouth of any woman who would get a Kate Middleton nose job.
Prince William first popped a royal woody for Kate when he saw her modeling a see-through dress at a college fashion show. It’s not like he gazed upon his one true love and thought, ‘What a hot fucking schnoz!’ No, he was squinting to see her nips like every other warm-blooded mammal in the room. The lesson for girls is that you don’t need a $12,000 nose to capture a man’s attention, you just need to dress slutty and show off your tits. That’s one to grow on.
The Royal Family does absolutely nothing when it comes to running the United Kingdom, but they have a shit ton of money, so they get to pretend that crowns and robes still mean something over there. English people eat it up, too, because if Prince William was just Bill the accountant he’d probably have to pay for sex, even with a girl like Kate Middleton, who on her best days is a solid 7.
But since William is a wealthy prince, he doesn’t wear condoms and was able to knock Kate up, and that shit is like soap operas on PCP to people over there. Especially this woman. So imagine how excited they were when Kate accidentally spilled the beans on the gender of the Royal Baby.
Sandra Cook, 67, was among the 2,000 wellwishers who greeted the Duchess on her visit to Grimsby.
She told the Mail: ‘The lady next to me gave her a teddy bear and I distinctly heard her say “Thank you, I will take that for my d….”.
‘Then she stopped herself. I leant over and said to her: “You were going to say daughter, weren’t you?” She said: “No, we don’t know!” I said: “Oh, I think you do” to which she replied: “We’re not telling!” (Daily Mail)
And then Sandra was struck in the neck by a poison-tipped dart and fed to the Queen’s diseased orphan slaves in the dungeons beneath Buckingham Palace.
True or not, Pippa is still the more interesting Middleton sister, because she is single, has been known to party topless and any girl whose sister is the Duchess of Cambridge has to have really low self-esteem, which means A+ BJs, fellas.
I don’t have any kids myself, because I hate them, but I know that many new parents worry constantly and are terrified that they’re doing everything wrong. I also know that not one of them has ever thought, “I sure would like some parenting tips from that drunk goblin in New Jersey,” but here they are anyway:
Snooki, who gave birth to a son in August, sent her best wishes to the royal family.
“Congrats to Will and Kate. I’m sure she will be an amazing mom.”
The Jersey Shore star, who has said she plans to raise little Lorenzo to have “a normal life,” also offered advice on becoming a new mom while constantly surrounded by paparazzi.
“It’s hard, but don’t stress out! Enjoy your time at home — or the castle, in her case — with the baby, especially the first few months.”
That’s the same thing every new parent hears, even Snookis mom. The advice she should have gotten was, “send that fucking thing to the bottom of the ocean.” Come to think of it that’s the advice she should still be getting.
(this gallery is titled: snooki the drunken asshole. source = inf, fame, splash)
The Royal Family announced today that Kate Middleton, who married Prince William in April of 2011, is expecting her first child. It’s still early on in her pregnancy, but she was admitted to a hospital in London today for morning sickness and also because she does tons of whippets. Like, 50 a day. Bitch has a problem.