Kate Upton Feeling Fatty

By Matt July 31, 2014 @ 8:12 AM

Upton

“You are ugly if you don’t have a curvy body, and I didn’t have one, and then I got one, and thought ‘Yessss!’ And then people say: ‘Oh, wow, you’re healthy.’ And you’re like, ‘Wait – what? I’ve been begging for this body my whole life!’”

In case you don’t speak  nuanced model, Kate Upton is saying she gained weight, and when people remarked on her new curves, she told them it was her plan all along, and then added anyone who weighs less than her is unattractive. This is coming off of her most recent modeling campaign for Elle UK which features Upton covering herself in ponchos and muumuus. Maybe Upton is feeling bad about herself and projecting the way insecure narcissists do:

“It’s not like I look in the mirror and think ‘I’m killing it’… No, a lot of times I’m puffy and bloated. I like myself in general, but there are days when you just don’t.”

Like the day you did that interview maybe. There will be no uproar over this because anyone who refers to themselves as curvy has carte blanche to insult whomever they want. Even if their curves were installed in an office. If a thin model said something similar her head would be put on a stake and goose-stepped around The View to teach America a lesson that heavy equals privilege, and being shaped like a milk carton is sexy no matter what those idiots think.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Kate Upton Is a Maverick

By Lex July 03, 2014 @ 2:56 PM

Kate-Upton-Topless-on-Instagram
Nobody knows makeup like Bobbi Brown. Whoever the fuck that is. I thought it was dead Whitney Houston’s crack pipe partner, but I guess it’s some makeup artist now making a billion dollars selling concealers. She used to have Katie Holmes as her spokesmodel, but then one day she saw Katie with her Bobbi Brown makeup on and realized she looked just as dowdy as without, so she shitcanned her. Now she’s hired Kate Upton to front her makeup line. Because when you think about Kate Upton, you’re forever wondering who does her mascara, or you would, if she wore mascara on her tits. Doesn’t matter, Bobbi Brown is smitten:

I admire women who create their own rules, so I was naturally drawn to Kate because she’s a maverick who has carved her own path to success.

Naturally, she’s referring to Kate modeling lingerie and swimsuits and taking bit roles in movies as the bouncy blond bombshell. Talk about blazing a trail. That’s Lewis and Clark type frontiersman-ship. Tell Ma I love her, we may not be back. I bet every other good looking D-cup blond in Hollywood wished they’d scratched their noggins hard enough to conceive that maverick plan of attack. Sometimes, I’d always thought makeup artists were incapable of telling falsehoods, but I might be thinking of superheroes.

Photo credit: Kate Upton/Instagram

Kate Upton Vagina Still Lurking on SI

By Lex June 12, 2014 @ 5:53 PM

Kate-Upton-Vagina-on-SwimDaily

Thanks to ‘pluggy’ (yeah, what’s your screen name, hotshot?) and a minor bit of detective work, it appears that the Kate Upton painted bare beaver shot they accidentally posted on SwimDaily before somebody yelled ‘vagina!’ is actually still sitting in their public media server.

http://siswimdaily.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/kate-22.jpg?w=600&h=400
original: http://swimdaily.si.com/2014/06/10/kate-upton-turns-22-and-we-have-2-minutes-and-22-seconds-of-gif-able-material-for-you/

SI must have a ton of hot model cooch shots they’ve nixed from photo shoots before. I thought they went into the radioactive chamber for cosmic disassembly, lest the models fear that some guy named Todd is storing all their wonderland shots on his thumb drive for later use. Nothing is ever erased in the digital world, but every second grader knows you have to purge the CDN, you can’t just remove a photo from the live server. At least, that’s what the second grader I just asked told me. I don’t know shit about this stuff. I can’t even delete my fat-faced baby pictures off Facebook. Quit that shit, mom.

SI, I know your first instinct will be to fire the kid with glasses who made Kate’s sex object friend to the world. Don’t. Someday, that lowly digital media staffer is going to build the next Snapchat or run blood diamonds out of Africa. We need both.

Photo credit: Swimdaily/SI

Kate Upton Naked Lady Parts Is Why SI Airbrushes

By Lex June 11, 2014 @ 1:42 PM

Kate-Upton-Camel-Toe-in-SI
I mock the extensive Photoshop work Sports Illustrated performs on all of its swimsuit models, but now I realize all that body shaping, cutting, glowing, hazing, and polishing into nipple-free slightly tanned culturally indistinct female mannequins is for a specific and much needed purpose. Kate Upton’s thong sucking hungry vagina cleft barely painted over. This un-touched up photo of Kate Upton unshackled from the vaults of the S.I. Swimsuit virtual junk box reveal a gaping genital maw that would in the very least prematurely teach young children where babies come from. That pucker needs to be cloned into Barbie doll asexual crotch but quick. Sports journalism reputations are on the line here.

Photo credit: SI Swimdaily

Kate Upton In Lingerie Still Not a Sex Symbol

By Lex May 30, 2014 @ 3:57 PM

Kate Upton In Lingerie For The June 2014 Issue Of The Men Magazine
Kate Upton is making it very hard to see her as whatever the hell it is she wants us to see her as besides a hot blond girl with fetching yabbos and a middling bottom. I can’t remember if it was scientist, astronaut, or government funded poster girl for the let’s not forgot the next Muslim Terrorist might be a blond haired beauty campaign that nobody has ever believed. I just know we’re not supposed to think about her as a sexual object. Definitely don’t think about unhooking her bra and letting her bouncy tits falling toward you like so many waves of golden grain. Or spanking her bottom until she agrees to stop pretending to be an actress. One of us needs to call the other a dirty slut but without any sexual objectification. I sure wish Helen Gurley Brown were still alive.

Photo Credit: The Men Magazine

Kate Upton Wore Panties to The Ball

By Lex May 07, 2014 @ 1:49 PM

Kate Upton Flashes Her Panties Arriving At A Met Gala After Party

I remember the joke as kids with parents telling you to wear clean underwear in case you get hit by a bus on the way to school. My mom would tell me to wear clean underwear just in case she D-Con rat poisoned my PB&J sandwich that day because she was off her meds. Then she’d guffaw like she was getting paid to be on Chelsea Handler’s fake audience laugh track. I used to trade my lunch with the gullible kids in the lower grades and rehearse my alibi for the ensuing investigation. Kate Upton looks to have pretty clean panties. She’s bucking the trend of commando currently all the rage in Hollywood. If you’re going to go to the trouble of having a smallish woman shipped across the ocean in a cargo container just to wax your genitals smooth, you’re going to want somebody to breathe in your new car smell crack. But Kate Upton remains determined not to be a sex object. Or maybe she’s worried about being hit by a bus.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash