By Lex May 02, 2014 @ 3:47 PM
I figured out why women feel so crappy about their bodies all the time. It only took me about thirty years after everybody else figured it out. It’s not because men are always criticizing the way they look. Because except for the few uncouth among us, we generally lie with pleasantries to get laid or because we loved our mothers and that would make them happy. I ran into a heavyset female acquaintance recently and I told her she looked fetching. I don’t even know what the fuck that word means, but I know it stings less than ‘enormous’. Women hate the way they look because other women are making them feel shitty. Snide comments, having the Thai girls in sweatshops cranking out designer wear for rail thin cotton ball eaters, and these magazines filled with Photoshopped images of Kate Upton in Lycra bikinis. Kate’s not a bad looking lady and she has some plump yabbos, but she’s not unblemished or uncheckered around the middle like these touched up photos in Vogue. Fucking hell, if I spent all my down time in waiting rooms flipping through magazines filled with air-brushed Adonis males and their crocodile abs, I’d be feeling pretty bloated too. I’d also be super duper gay. Women, start apologizing to other women for being so unrealistically demanding of each other. Do it now before I spank you.
Photo Credit: Vogue
By Lex April 30, 2014 @ 12:53 PM
Now that everyone who by sheer force of estrogen and labial lashings was forced to see The Other Woman has seen it, we can put to bed any notion that Kate Upton is ever going to be an actress. Meryl Streep with Titanic Cans just isn’t catching on as her tagline. Maybe if Kate finds a submissive Unsullied like Judd Apatow to wed she can garner some additional roles as the hot neighbor, but as far as dramatic range, Kate Upton is back to showing off her tits. Kate Upton doesn’t want to be a sex object, but I’m not seeing much of a backup plan.
Photo Credit: PCN, FameFlynet
By Travis April 25, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Kate Upton, Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann attended a screening of their new film, The Other Woman, in New York City last night, and I can say with very little doubt that this is one of the worst looks that Kate Upton has ever worn. Of course, her best looks have always been when she’s in a bikini and appearing to struggle against gravity to keep her breasts from crashing to the ground, but there’s just something extra unusual about this lesbian leopard look that the model was working with last night. And while I have nothing to back this up, my natural inclination is to believe that Cameron Diaz paid her money to look worse than usual, because Kate must have been making these poor women feel terrible about themselves during all of their appearances. When this movie debuts overseas, my money is on Kate showing up dressed like a farmer with a big, bushy fake beard. It still won’t make Cameron look better, but at least it’ll distract some people from her smell.
Photo Credits: Getty
By Lex April 22, 2014 @ 3:00 PM
Kate Upton has a lot of rules. The last one was about how you’re not supposed to openly jizz thinking about her big yabbos, just adore them discreetly and pay with direct deposit or something. Girls who look like Kate Upton get to make all the rules. That seems fair enough. We can elect a bunch of self-serving blustery hacks to political office, but it’s the girls who have big tits who will always run things. I know you want to believe the human social structure is more complex than the dung beetle’s, but it’s not. We’re all just trying to amass the biggest pile of shit so we can get Kate pregnant, maybe fire one off between her big knockers on the back end to show we’re better than beetles.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex April 17, 2014 @ 12:25 PM
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, Splash
By Jack April 14, 2014 @ 1:34 PM
Professional hot chick Kate Upton made a horrifying confession: She wishes she had smaller boobies. It’s like finding out that Santa Claus is just your mom’s drunk boyfriend Earl. It’s a weird thing for her to say as her breasteses are the main reason she’s rich and famous and spending weekends in the Four Seasons with the world’s most eligible bachelors. No offense to her myriad of other skills such as giggling, smiling, and pretending she doesn’t take shits. Kate’s main reason for wanting to join tiny titty club involves her desire to be able to go braless without everybody ogling her yum yums:
“I wish I had smaller boobs every day of my life as I love to wear spaghetti tops braless or go for the smallest bikini designs. Every single day, I’m like, ‘Oh, man, it would be so much easier,’ especially if people didn’t constantly bring them up.”
I don’t buy that last part. In this business you got to take any buzz you can, even if it’s about how much people want to motorboat your sweater hams. You may recall Kate has been on this ‘don’t think of me when you jackoff’ kick where she wants men to stop thinking about putting a sock in her mouth as they bang her over the end of a hotel room sofa like I am this very second. I guess you don’t really know how hard another person has it until you walk a mile in their shoes or spend a day in their D-cup bra. Still, I’m guessing there’s none chance Kate actually goes and makes her tits smaller, as she can at any time. There’s bitching and then there’s bitching and stupid. Without that chest, Kate isn’t starring in The Other Woman, she’s just cleaning up the theater after the showing.