By Lex June 11, 2014 @ 1:42 PM
I mock the extensive Photoshop work Sports Illustrated performs on all of its swimsuit models, but now I realize all that body shaping, cutting, glowing, hazing, and polishing into nipple-free slightly tanned culturally indistinct female mannequins is for a specific and much needed purpose. Kate Upton’s thong sucking hungry vagina cleft barely painted over. This un-touched up photo of Kate Upton unshackled from the vaults of the S.I. Swimsuit virtual junk box reveal a gaping genital maw that would in the very least prematurely teach young children where babies come from. That pucker needs to be cloned into Barbie doll asexual crotch but quick. Sports journalism reputations are on the line here.
Photo credit: SI Swimdaily
By Lex May 30, 2014 @ 3:57 PM
Kate Upton is making it very hard to see her as whatever the hell it is she wants us to see her as besides a hot blond girl with fetching yabbos and a middling bottom. I can’t remember if it was scientist, astronaut, or government funded poster girl for the let’s not forgot the next Muslim Terrorist might be a blond haired beauty campaign that nobody has ever believed. I just know we’re not supposed to think about her as a sexual object. Definitely don’t think about unhooking her bra and letting her bouncy tits falling toward you like so many waves of golden grain. Or spanking her bottom until she agrees to stop pretending to be an actress. One of us needs to call the other a dirty slut but without any sexual objectification. I sure wish Helen Gurley Brown were still alive.
Photo Credit: The Men Magazine
By Lex May 07, 2014 @ 1:49 PM
I remember the joke as kids with parents telling you to wear clean underwear in case you get hit by a bus on the way to school. My mom would tell me to wear clean underwear just in case she D-Con rat poisoned my PB&J sandwich that day because she was off her meds. Then she’d guffaw like she was getting paid to be on Chelsea Handler’s fake audience laugh track. I used to trade my lunch with the gullible kids in the lower grades and rehearse my alibi for the ensuing investigation. Kate Upton looks to have pretty clean panties. She’s bucking the trend of commando currently all the rage in Hollywood. If you’re going to go to the trouble of having a smallish woman shipped across the ocean in a cargo container just to wax your genitals smooth, you’re going to want somebody to breathe in your new car smell crack. But Kate Upton remains determined not to be a sex object. Or maybe she’s worried about being hit by a bus.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash
By Lex May 05, 2014 @ 12:10 PM
In my experience, model shoots take three people. Me, the model, and her steroid freak boyfriend with the surly stare. Sports Illustrated runs about twenty deep on their shoots. You need lots of girls running around adjusting Kate’s tits and at least a half dozen gay males to be overly anxious about losing the light for the day. There’s even a woman who blows on Kate’s nipples when fans are not feasible on location. There’s no doubt that Kate is the circus master. She’s got this whole not a sex object look at my titties thing down cold. She could just take some topless selfies in her toilet at home and give us what we want, but then who would the urchin kids of Costa Rica sell their Orange Fantas to?
Photo credit: Swim Daily / Sports Illustrated
By Lex May 02, 2014 @ 3:47 PM
I figured out why women feel so crappy about their bodies all the time. It only took me about thirty years after everybody else figured it out. It’s not because men are always criticizing the way they look. Because except for the few uncouth among us, we generally lie with pleasantries to get laid or because we loved our mothers and that would make them happy. I ran into a heavyset female acquaintance recently and I told her she looked fetching. I don’t even know what the fuck that word means, but I know it stings less than ‘enormous’. Women hate the way they look because other women are making them feel shitty. Snide comments, having the Thai girls in sweatshops cranking out designer wear for rail thin cotton ball eaters, and these magazines filled with Photoshopped images of Kate Upton in Lycra bikinis. Kate’s not a bad looking lady and she has some plump yabbos, but she’s not unblemished or uncheckered around the middle like these touched up photos in Vogue. Fucking hell, if I spent all my down time in waiting rooms flipping through magazines filled with air-brushed Adonis males and their crocodile abs, I’d be feeling pretty bloated too. I’d also be super duper gay. Women, start apologizing to other women for being so unrealistically demanding of each other. Do it now before I spank you.
Photo Credit: Vogue
By Lex April 30, 2014 @ 12:53 PM
Now that everyone who by sheer force of estrogen and labial lashings was forced to see The Other Woman has seen it, we can put to bed any notion that Kate Upton is ever going to be an actress. Meryl Streep with Titanic Cans just isn’t catching on as her tagline. Maybe if Kate finds a submissive Unsullied like Judd Apatow to wed she can garner some additional roles as the hot neighbor, but as far as dramatic range, Kate Upton is back to showing off her tits. Kate Upton doesn’t want to be a sex object, but I’m not seeing much of a backup plan.
Photo Credit: PCN, FameFlynet