Nope, I can’t show you this picture either. I’ve been threatened with the iron mask. But you can see the big tittied blonde and the Cy Young Award winner pushing his junk up into her butt HERE. There’s a bunch of other pictures too that look kind of like her big fat boobs. Probably a mix of real and fake. It’s safe to say, the world will never be the same. Even Hamas and ISIS put down their swords to stroke the shit out of their sweaty plowshares. Even hate filled men get hard-ons. Kate Upton has peaked today. That could be seen as unfortunate, unless you really think about what she had left to offer. It was time.
For as long as Kate Upton’s been upset about being seen as a sex object, she’s been modeling in showy things. I went down to the small shop where the old Chinese guy lectures visitors about mogwais and bought some photos of Kate Upton modeling when she was just fifteen. It’s kind of crass to stare at Kate Upton from before she had the mighty tits of Athena, but it’s a solid reminder that even before the big boobs I never had a shot at a girl like Kate. She’d say she loves the guy who makes her laugh or knows how to castle properly in Chess, but even then she was dating the high school version of Justin Verlander. It’s cool. If I looked like Kate Upton, I’d only wrap my legs around Cy Young Award and Oscar winners too. But I don’t. So any girl with a GED equivalent and most of her teeth is my Match.com baseline. Fuck, I did poorly in high school.
Photo Credit: Coleman-Rayner
“You are ugly if you don’t have a curvy body, and I didn’t have one, and then I got one, and thought ‘Yessss!’ And then people say: ‘Oh, wow, you’re healthy.’ And you’re like, ‘Wait – what? I’ve been begging for this body my whole life!’”
In case you don’t speak nuanced model, Kate Upton is saying she gained weight, and when people remarked on her new curves, she told them it was her plan all along, and then added anyone who weighs less than her is unattractive. This is coming off of her most recent modeling campaign for Elle UK which features Upton covering herself in ponchos and muumuus. Maybe Upton is feeling bad about herself and projecting the way insecure narcissists do:
“It’s not like I look in the mirror and think ‘I’m killing it’… No, a lot of times I’m puffy and bloated. I like myself in general, but there are days when you just don’t.”
Like the day you did that interview maybe. There will be no uproar over this because anyone who refers to themselves as curvy has carte blanche to insult whomever they want. Even if their curves were installed in an office. If a thin model said something similar her head would be put on a stake and goose-stepped around The View to teach America a lesson that heavy equals privilege, and being shaped like a milk carton is sexy no matter what those idiots think.
Photo Credit: Instagram
Nobody knows makeup like Bobbi Brown. Whoever the fuck that is. I thought it was dead Whitney Houston’s crack pipe partner, but I guess it’s some makeup artist now making a billion dollars selling concealers. She used to have Katie Holmes as her spokesmodel, but then one day she saw Katie with her Bobbi Brown makeup on and realized she looked just as dowdy as without, so she shitcanned her. Now she’s hired Kate Upton to front her makeup line. Because when you think about Kate Upton, you’re forever wondering who does her mascara, or you would, if she wore mascara on her tits. Doesn’t matter, Bobbi Brown is smitten:
I admire women who create their own rules, so I was naturally drawn to Kate because she’s a maverick who has carved her own path to success.
Naturally, she’s referring to Kate modeling lingerie and swimsuits and taking bit roles in movies as the bouncy blond bombshell. Talk about blazing a trail. That’s Lewis and Clark type frontiersman-ship. Tell Ma I love her, we may not be back. I bet every other good looking D-cup blond in Hollywood wished they’d scratched their noggins hard enough to conceive that maverick plan of attack. Sometimes, I’d always thought makeup artists were incapable of telling falsehoods, but I might be thinking of superheroes.
Photo credit: Kate Upton/Instagram
Thanks to ‘pluggy’ (yeah, what’s your screen name, hotshot?) and a minor bit of detective work, it appears that the Kate Upton painted bare beaver shot they accidentally posted on SwimDaily before somebody yelled ‘vagina!’ is actually still sitting in their public media server.
SI must have a ton of hot model cooch shots they’ve nixed from photo shoots before. I thought they went into the radioactive chamber for cosmic disassembly, lest the models fear that some guy named Todd is storing all their wonderland shots on his thumb drive for later use. Nothing is ever erased in the digital world, but every second grader knows you have to purge the CDN, you can’t just remove a photo from the live server. At least, that’s what the second grader I just asked told me. I don’t know shit about this stuff. I can’t even delete my fat-faced baby pictures off Facebook. Quit that shit, mom.
SI, I know your first instinct will be to fire the kid with glasses who made Kate’s sex object friend to the world. Don’t. Someday, that lowly digital media staffer is going to build the next Snapchat or run blood diamonds out of Africa. We need both.
Photo credit: Swimdaily/SI
I mock the extensive Photoshop work Sports Illustrated performs on all of its swimsuit models, but now I realize all that body shaping, cutting, glowing, hazing, and polishing into nipple-free slightly tanned culturally indistinct female mannequins is for a specific and much needed purpose. Kate Upton’s thong sucking hungry vagina cleft barely painted over. This un-touched up photo of Kate Upton unshackled from the vaults of the S.I. Swimsuit virtual junk box reveal a gaping genital maw that would in the very least prematurely teach young children where babies come from. That pucker needs to be cloned into Barbie doll asexual crotch but quick. Sports journalism reputations are on the line here.
Photo credit: SI Swimdaily