Cameron Diaz Is Ruining Kate Upton

By Travis April 25, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Kate Upton, Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann attended a screening of their new film, The Other Woman, in New York City last night, and I can say with very little doubt that this is one of the worst looks that Kate Upton has ever worn. Of course, her best looks have always been when she’s in a bikini and appearing to struggle against gravity to keep her breasts from crashing to the ground, but there’s just something extra unusual about this lesbian leopard look that the model was working with last night. And while I have nothing to back this up, my natural inclination is to believe that Cameron Diaz paid her money to look worse than usual, because Kate must have been making these poor women feel terrible about themselves during all of their appearances. When this movie debuts overseas, my money is on Kate showing up dressed like a farmer with a big, bushy fake beard. It still won’t make Cameron look better, but at least it’ll distract some people from her smell.

Photo Credits: Getty

Kate Upton Makes It Hard To Follow Orders

By Lex April 22, 2014 @ 3:00 PM

Kate Upton Busty At The Premiere Of 'The Other Woman' In Westwood
Kate Upton has a lot of rules. The last one was about how you’re not supposed to openly jizz thinking about her big yabbos, just adore them discreetly and pay with direct deposit or something. Girls who look like Kate Upton get to make all the rules. That seems fair enough. We can elect a bunch of self-serving blustery hacks to political office, but it’s the girls who have big tits who will always run things. I know you want to believe the human social structure is more complex than the dung beetle’s, but it’s not. We’re all just trying to amass the biggest pile of shit so we can get Kate pregnant, maybe fire one off between her big knockers on the back end to show we’re better than beetles.

Photo Credit: Getty

Kate Upton Booty In Tight Jeans On A Balcony In Sydney

By Lex April 17, 2014 @ 12:25 PM

Kate Upton Booty In Tight Jeans On A Balcony In Sydney

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, Splash

Kate Upton Wants Smaller Boobs

By Jack April 14, 2014 @ 1:34 PM

Professional hot chick Kate Upton made a horrifying confession: She wishes she had smaller boobies. It’s like finding out that Santa Claus is just your mom’s drunk boyfriend Earl. It’s a weird thing for her to say as her breasteses are the main reason she’s rich and famous and spending weekends in the Four Seasons with the world’s most eligible bachelors. No offense to her myriad of other skills such as giggling, smiling, and pretending she doesn’t take shits. Kate’s main reason for wanting to join tiny titty club involves her desire to be able to go braless without everybody ogling her yum yums:

“I wish I had smaller boobs every day of my life as I love to wear spaghetti tops braless or go for the smallest bikini designs. Every single day, I’m like, ‘Oh, man, it would be so much easier,’ especially if people didn’t constantly bring them up.”

I don’t buy that last part. In this business you got to take any buzz you can, even if it’s about how much people want to motorboat your sweater hams. You may recall Kate has been on this ‘don’t think of me when you jackoff’ kick where she wants men to stop thinking about putting a sock in her mouth as they bang her over the end of a hotel room sofa like I am this very second. I guess you don’t really know how hard another person has it until you walk a mile in their shoes or spend a day in their D-cup bra. Still, I’m guessing there’s none chance Kate actually goes and makes her tits smaller, as she can at any time. There’s bitching and then there’s bitching and stupid. Without that chest, Kate isn’t starring in The Other Woman, she’s just cleaning up the theater after the showing.

Leslie Mann, Cameron Diaz, And Kate Upton Are Great Girl Friends

By Lex April 03, 2014 @ 4:33 PM

Leslie Mann Grabs Cameron Diaz's Ass At The Premiere For 'The Other Woman' In London
Leslie Mann grabbed Cameron Diaz’ butt on the red carpet for The Other Woman as both ladies pretended to be fun and flirty and that anyone with a camera gave a shit about them after Kate Upton’s boobs arrived. The three female co-stars of the film I’d just assume have an angry little person piss in my Lasik surgery still open cornea than go see all pretended to be bosom buddies, but we all know that’s not the case. Three women can’t be friends. It’s an unnatural triangle where each will become the talked about vertex of lesser worth. Men can be friends with other men of various irrefutable personal standards. A man can watch a ball game with another man who he’s pretty sure is fucking his dog. But Kate Upton thinks Cameron Diaz looks like a dude, Cameron thinks Kate doesn’t deserve attention as any kind of actress, and both Cameron and Kate want to vomit when Leslie Mann talks about how Judd Apatow’s neatly groomed beard tickles her when she orders him to go down on her in his gimp suit. If they weren’t shilling a movie and spinning tales of crazy girl friendships on the set, they’d be poisoning each others kale salads and hiding all the tampons. I could be wrong, but I’m not.

Photo Credit: Splash, Getty

Kate Upton In a Bikini for The Other Woman

By Lex April 02, 2014 @ 4:04 PM

The Other Woman is a movie that I’m dying not to go see. The movie revolves around a woman who finds out that her husband has a mistress and the mistress finds out he has a husband, and instead of them both dumping his ass like a healthy woman would, they seek revenge. They can put Kate Upton out front in a bikini all they want, you can’t fool me. This is a movie that’s going to make my dick want to apologize to past girlfriends for forgetting about their birthdays and their deadly peanut allergies. I don’t need to pay to go to the movies to be lectured, I can just ask the girl I was going to take to the movies to lecture me for free about why I never take her anywhere. Relationships are easy once you’ve given up.