I don’t know why I feel let down that Kate Upton dumped a bunch of guy including a Cy Young award winner for a dude who does the rumba. Yes, I know women love a man who can dance. They also love men who cry and dress in flowing billowy clothing and cycle on their periods with them. And why shouldn’t a woman get herself a man who is just like a woman. It’s like having a lesbian partner with a built-in strap on and far less drama. You can’t pussy whip a partner who has a pussy of her own. It’s like two equally skilled Jedi clacking lightsabers. Somebody has to be the sub. I’m going with the guy who wears sequins and knows how to do the splits.
Kate Upton is cursed with being super hot. Men are never going to treat her like the scientist that she isn’t. They’re simply going to want to pay her lots of money to see her looking sexy. As far as curses go, it’s something worse than having a bum uncle but not nearly as bad as being ugly.
Here’s a whole bunch of glamorous photos of Kate at an age approximating when she would have laughed at me for asking her to the prom.
Note from photographer James Weber to WWTDD:
all the images out there of Kate Upton that are out there, most of them are retouched. I didn’t do anything to the images I shot but change them to black and white. In this day and age that’s almost unheard of. I think that makes them more beautiful because they’re natural. Notice all the freckles and beauty marks on her in these photos, look online in other images for the same ones, I’m sure most of them will have been taken out. This world is a little too retouch heavy.
Photo Credit: James Weber Photography
It’s important to Kate Upton that you remember that she’s not a sex object. I’m not sure what we’re supposed to do with this admonition specifically, Maybe review her grade school art folder as you whack off to her? Either way, the non-object has accepted the title of model of the year for the Style Awards, whatever the hell those are. But it must be important, because it’s being televised on E!, which means there will be bulimic over-made up shrews talking about shit I don’t care about as all the while I’m objectifying Kate Upton. I’m weak in the soul and Kate Upton is cursed with being a great looking blond with nice tits. The universe has a master plan and Kate Upton is still trying to fight it.
Photo Credit: Vanity Fair
Kate Upton hates that men see her as a sex object rather than a human being. Her big breakout cover of SI in 2012 left her “feeling terrible, instead of basking in her newfound celebrity.” She felt so bad, she could barely take her fat SI paycheck to the bank and then fight to get the cover the following year as well. And, it gets worse, because if you’re a model, not only do people treat you like a dumb object, but they snatch away your religion.
“I was at a photo shoot, and I was wearing a cross necklace that my mom bought me, and somebody made a joke like ‘Why are you wearing a cross? And then they took [my necklace] away. I was really affected by that.” — Kate tells Elle magazine
Wow. These model shoots sound like horror stories out of a Stalinist gulag. I stopped reading the interview before Kate could complain about having to date Justin Verlander and watch him give up two home runs in Game 1 of the World Series. I didn’t really stop reading so much as I started beating off to Kate’s photos. I still have a ways to go on my personal journey.
Photo Credit: Elle Magazine
Kate Upton was the guest of honor at last night’s David Yurman Annual Rooftop Soiree as she is the new face of David’s luxurious and ridiculously expensive jewelry line, and she did her typical Kate Upton thing of standing around and looking gorgeous while occasionally acting goofy and strategically jiggling for all of the really wealthy men. But as I looked at these photos of Kate at the party, I couldn’t help but notice that her breasts look a little strange.
I don’t know if it’s the dress or the way that the light hits it, but it looks like someone replaced one of Kate’s cantaloupes with an orange. I’m going to have to spend the next several hours examining them to get to the bottom of this. You know, for science and whatever.
(Photo Credits: Getty)
Back in first grade, a girl told me we’d be married someday. I told her I liked her friend better. She cried. I felt horrible. That experience still sums up my view on marriage. It’s a complicated business. But that doesn’t stop guys from saying ‘I do’ even as ten million years of human evolution compels them otherwise. These images of Kate Upton in her ‘wedding bikini’ probably don’t help. It’s easy to imagine marriage is all about having sex with Kate Upton on the beach. But even if you’re marrying Kate Upton you won’t be that lucky.
Photo Credit: Beach Bunny