By Lex July 03, 2014 @ 2:56 PM
Nobody knows makeup like Bobbi Brown. Whoever the fuck that is. I thought it was dead Whitney Houston’s crack pipe partner, but I guess it’s some makeup artist now making a billion dollars selling concealers. She used to have Katie Holmes as her spokesmodel, but then one day she saw Katie with her Bobbi Brown makeup on and realized she looked just as dowdy as without, so she shitcanned her. Now she’s hired Kate Upton to front her makeup line. Because when you think about Kate Upton, you’re forever wondering who does her mascara, or you would, if she wore mascara on her tits. Doesn’t matter, Bobbi Brown is smitten:
I admire women who create their own rules, so I was naturally drawn to Kate because she’s a maverick who has carved her own path to success.
Naturally, she’s referring to Kate modeling lingerie and swimsuits and taking bit roles in movies as the bouncy blond bombshell. Talk about blazing a trail. That’s Lewis and Clark type frontiersman-ship. Tell Ma I love her, we may not be back. I bet every other good looking D-cup blond in Hollywood wished they’d scratched their noggins hard enough to conceive that maverick plan of attack. Sometimes, I’d always thought makeup artists were incapable of telling falsehoods, but I might be thinking of superheroes.
Photo credit: Kate Upton/Instagram
By Lex June 12, 2014 @ 5:53 PM
Thanks to ‘pluggy’ (yeah, what’s your screen name, hotshot?) and a minor bit of detective work, it appears that the Kate Upton painted bare beaver shot they accidentally posted on SwimDaily before somebody yelled ‘vagina!’ is actually still sitting in their public media server.
SI must have a ton of hot model cooch shots they’ve nixed from photo shoots before. I thought they went into the radioactive chamber for cosmic disassembly, lest the models fear that some guy named Todd is storing all their wonderland shots on his thumb drive for later use. Nothing is ever erased in the digital world, but every second grader knows you have to purge the CDN, you can’t just remove a photo from the live server. At least, that’s what the second grader I just asked told me. I don’t know shit about this stuff. I can’t even delete my fat-faced baby pictures off Facebook. Quit that shit, mom.
SI, I know your first instinct will be to fire the kid with glasses who made Kate’s sex object friend to the world. Don’t. Someday, that lowly digital media staffer is going to build the next Snapchat or run blood diamonds out of Africa. We need both.
Photo credit: Swimdaily/SI
By Lex June 11, 2014 @ 1:42 PM
I mock the extensive Photoshop work Sports Illustrated performs on all of its swimsuit models, but now I realize all that body shaping, cutting, glowing, hazing, and polishing into nipple-free slightly tanned culturally indistinct female mannequins is for a specific and much needed purpose. Kate Upton’s thong sucking hungry vagina cleft barely painted over. This un-touched up photo of Kate Upton unshackled from the vaults of the S.I. Swimsuit virtual junk box reveal a gaping genital maw that would in the very least prematurely teach young children where babies come from. That pucker needs to be cloned into Barbie doll asexual crotch but quick. Sports journalism reputations are on the line here.
Photo credit: SI Swimdaily
By Lex May 30, 2014 @ 3:57 PM
Kate Upton is making it very hard to see her as whatever the hell it is she wants us to see her as besides a hot blond girl with fetching yabbos and a middling bottom. I can’t remember if it was scientist, astronaut, or government funded poster girl for the let’s not forgot the next Muslim Terrorist might be a blond haired beauty campaign that nobody has ever believed. I just know we’re not supposed to think about her as a sexual object. Definitely don’t think about unhooking her bra and letting her bouncy tits falling toward you like so many waves of golden grain. Or spanking her bottom until she agrees to stop pretending to be an actress. One of us needs to call the other a dirty slut but without any sexual objectification. I sure wish Helen Gurley Brown were still alive.
Photo Credit: The Men Magazine
By Lex May 07, 2014 @ 1:49 PM
I remember the joke as kids with parents telling you to wear clean underwear in case you get hit by a bus on the way to school. My mom would tell me to wear clean underwear just in case she D-Con rat poisoned my PB&J sandwich that day because she was off her meds. Then she’d guffaw like she was getting paid to be on Chelsea Handler’s fake audience laugh track. I used to trade my lunch with the gullible kids in the lower grades and rehearse my alibi for the ensuing investigation. Kate Upton looks to have pretty clean panties. She’s bucking the trend of commando currently all the rage in Hollywood. If you’re going to go to the trouble of having a smallish woman shipped across the ocean in a cargo container just to wax your genitals smooth, you’re going to want somebody to breathe in your new car smell crack. But Kate Upton remains determined not to be a sex object. Or maybe she’s worried about being hit by a bus.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash
By Lex May 05, 2014 @ 12:10 PM
In my experience, model shoots take three people. Me, the model, and her steroid freak boyfriend with the surly stare. Sports Illustrated runs about twenty deep on their shoots. You need lots of girls running around adjusting Kate’s tits and at least a half dozen gay males to be overly anxious about losing the light for the day. There’s even a woman who blows on Kate’s nipples when fans are not feasible on location. There’s no doubt that Kate is the circus master. She’s got this whole not a sex object look at my titties thing down cold. She could just take some topless selfies in her toilet at home and give us what we want, but then who would the urchin kids of Costa Rica sell their Orange Fantas to?
Photo credit: Swim Daily / Sports Illustrated