Kate Upton In A Bikini In Zero Gravity

By Lex February 18, 2014 @ 2:55 PM

Kate Upton In A Bikini In Zero Gravity For The 50th Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue
I’m not above a compliment. This is true genius. Putting Kate Upton up in an airplane and diving steep to create a zero-G effect on her big plump titties, it’s inspired. The fact they removed all the vomit and gave her a smile is a nice nod to all the guys jerking off to the dream of Kate Upton floating in no gravity with her mouth around their johnsons. Personally, I like the vomit. The slight burn reminds me of prom night.

Photo Credit: Sports Illustrated Swimsuit

Kate Upton Has Big Boobs in V Magazine

By Lex January 10, 2014 @ 4:32 PM

Kate Upton Shows Off Her Cleavage For 2014 Spring Preview In V Magazine
I’m not sure if we’re supposed to look or not. Kate Upton made such a big stink about not wanting to be seen by men as a sex object. The fact that she keeps selling herself as a sex object makes following directions more difficult, but there’s dignity in the struggle. And I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to struggle more than she is.

Photo Credit: V Magazine

Kate Upton’s Breasts Are Oscar Contenders (VIDEO)

By Travis December 20, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Here’s the trailer for The Other Woman, which stars Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann as two women who realize that other guys will always ignore them for Kate Upton. There might be more plot details, but I was distracted by the very manipulative use of slow motion while Kate is jogging on the beach. It’s the kind of scene that could stop some evil terrorists from blowing up the entire world, because just as they’re about to push the button on their arsenal of nukes, Kate would jog by in slow motion, and they’d realize that America had it right this whole time. Thanks for saving the world, Kate Upton’s breasts.

Kanye Says Kim And Not Kate Upton Is The New Marilyn Monroe

By Jack November 28, 2013 @ 12:52 PM

Kanye West continued his deluded fuckhead radio tour by claiming that his trashy girlfriend Kim Kardashian is the new Marilyn Monroe. The revelation came in the middle of an epic 45 minute rant on the Power 105′s Breakfast Club radio show. The subject came up of Vanity Fair hiring Kate Upton to pose as Marilyn Monroe on their cover. Kanye ain’t having none of that shit. He said,

“I have a love-hate relationship with the paparazzi, but actually I love them because they are empowering us. They are empowering us over Vanity Fair that want to say that Kate Upton is Marilyn Monroe. Kate Upton ain’t Marilyn Monroe, Kim is Marilyn Monroe.”

Yes, because God forbid something not be about the two of them for five fucking minutes. Marilyn Monroe embodied the ideal of desirable woman for her time. She was blond and curvy and sassy and knew the fine art of the tease. Can you imagine Kim Kardashian singing Happy Birthday, Mr. President to the Commander in Chief? She’d groan like a wounded bear and pull down her girdle as her mom cackled for Obama to bang her daughter’s ass like a Kenyan warrior. Actually, I’d watch that.

Kate Upton Is Not a Sex Object Back on a Horse

By Lex November 25, 2013 @ 3:11 PM

Kate Upton Poses For A Sexy Photoshoot On The Beach In Malibu
I can’t remember exactly what happened with that video of Kate Upton topless on a horse that TMZ pulled down. I think it turned out that it wasn’t really Kate Upton and maybe the horse was actually Khloe Kardashian and it was just one giant puddle of disappointment. But, now, the woman who doesn’t want to be seen as a sex object is back up on the horse with her top open, getting paid to share her intellect and personality with the world.

In news equally relevant to your dramatically unrealistic masturbation fantasies, it looks like Kate is done with her Russian ballroom dancer boyfriend:

“Maks has been telling friends that he is no longer bringing Kate to a wedding that they were both scheduled to attend together” — a source to RadarOnline

The couple have faced many challenges in their burgeoning relationship, most notably their individual travel schedules and their similar unslakable thirst for cock. To be fair, I wasn’t sure that Maksim Chmerkovskiy was actually gay until I read that part about punishing his girlfriend by not taking her to a wedding he’s attending. That’s queerer than the dude who suggests hot tubbing at an all-guys party. No offense to my friend Christopher whose parents presciently gave him a gay name decades before he even made the hot tub suggestion.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Splash

Kate Upton Rumored To Star In Entourage Movie

By Lex November 12, 2013 @ 11:47 AM

Kate Upton Poses In Lingerie In The August 2012 Issue of Contributor Magazine

Photo Credit: Contributor Magazine