KATIE HOLMES ISNT HELPING

By brendon December 13, 2007 @ 8:59 AM

Very obviously Tom Cruise has been plagued for years by rumors that he's gay, and every girlfriend or wife he ever has is just called a beard, and now Katie Holmes tells Us magazine some stuff that will do anything but help.

Katie Holmes has opened up about her one-year marriage to Tom Cruise, revealing his biggest turn-on.  "Tom likes me in a suit and a mini every now and then. I like it when he likes it. It makes me blush," she told the January issue of In Style. "He'll say, 'You look good. I hope security's going with you.' Now that gives me attitude."

Uhhh … hmm.  A suit, huh?  Like, a suit and tie.  And your hair keeps getting shorter and shorter, huh?  This is what we call "baby steps" Katie.  By next year, fully expect an interview where she says, "Toms new big turn-on is when I wear an old fedora and argyle sweater and smoke a pipe during sex.  And he mounts me from behind and does anal, and he likes it when I wave my arm back at him and say, 'you kids get out of there!  Damn kids!' "



UMM, WAIT WHAT

By brendon November 05, 2007 @ 9:03 AM

That big sign that says "finish" on it better mean it's from Finland, because there's no way Katie Holmes ran the New York Marathon yesterday.  Does this really look like a chick who ran 26 miles?  I'm more tired after typing "26 miles" than she is after apparently running it.  Worshiping enchanted outer space robots must give you superhuman strength.  They should mention that more.  I have to imagine it would be a big selling point.  

Seriously, are we supposed to think she ran 26 miles without a bra or drop of sweat?  There's monkey business goin on here.  Monkey business, I tell ya!



SURI CRUISE IS SO SCREWED

By brendon October 17, 2007 @ 6:20 PM

Us magazine says that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are using strict Scientology guidelines to raise their daughter Suri, and that dictates everything from the way she was nursed to the way she's disciplined and even what friends she's allowed to have.  Us magazine says:

Suri — who as a baby was breastfed and nursed on a mixture of barley water, milk and corn syrup which Hubbard advocated as being healthier than formula and breast milk — is too young to take classes at the Scientology Centre, the 18-month-old is constantly surrounded by believers, including her two nannies.
“Tom doesn’t like associating with people who aren’t Scientologists,” says an insider.
Additionally, Holmes, 28, and Cruise, 45, have a hard time saying no to Suri. But it’s not simply because they’re pushovers.
Cruise and Holmes, says their pal, are very lenient and do not like to give Suri too many rules: “Suri pretty much does whatever she wants, whenever she wants. If she fusses before bed, they let her stay up later. If they want her to go swimming and she cries, they’ll take her out. If she whines about food, they’ll ask her what else she wants to eat. They always want to please her.”

It's amazing they even allowed barley and milk into her formula.  I thought it would just be some bright red liquid with fog coming off the top.  And the nanny is a guy in a 1950's robot costume, with the big silver barrel chest and clamps for hands and a red light bulb for a nose.  That's how you raise kids god dammit.  Nice and crazy.

STUFF FROM ALL OVER

By brendon October 12, 2007 @ 12:20 PM

If Orlando Bloom is dating Jessica Simpson, it's news to Orlando Bloom, who was seen last night trying to cool things down with a dude whose girlfriend Orlando was hitting on.  I think.  It's a little confusing.  At one point it's hard to tell if they're about to fight or make out.  I think the other dude is in love.  Nothing happens and the video is boring, but the girl is super hot, so, awesome, right?   

KATIE HOLMES WANTS TO RUN A MARATHON – OK! says, "Katie Holmes has often been spotted enjoying an early morning jog around the European metropolis. And OK! has learned exclusively that she's not just doing it to keep her figure fit for Tom — She's fulfilling her dream to run in the New York Marathon."  I can't help but think of that Julia Roberts movie where she learned to swim so she could fake her own death and get out of her loveless marriage.  Katie is makin' a break for it.  If she starts to learn Spanish Tom better lock that bitch up.  

BRITNEY EXCELS AT FAIL – People says they have the exclusive first look at the Britney Spears cover for her new album, called "Blackout", which sounds like an interacial porn.  The cover is even worse.  It looks like something a retarded 6 year old would make as a birthday card for her cat.



THIS IS GROSS

By brendon August 02, 2007 @ 12:46 PM

The Aussie version of MSN says today that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes want to do a sexy – and naked – photoshoot together much like the one David and Victoria Beckham did last month for W magazine.  MSN says:

Sources say a racy photo shoot will allow the pair to show off a side of their relationship that's rarely seen, with insiders explaining that while they've so far kept their public image family oriented, Katie, 28, and her husband have a strong physical side they want share with fans.
"Tom and Katie really have amazing chemistry," says a pal. "They want to show the world how much."
While the finer details are yet to be confirmed, insiders say they'd like at least one photo to feature them naked.
"They are already planning the various photos," says a source close to the pair. "Tom and Katie want to pose together in the shower, dripping wet and covered by nothing but steam."

Eh.  That's gross.  I'm not saying I don't wanna see Katie Holmes naked, because, in reality, I would very much like to see Katie Holmes naked, but not if I have to see Tom Cruise too.  And I think if a kid were masturbating to those and accidentally finished on Tom instead of Katie, that would mean he's gay now.  He's gay and he's into dudes.  I'm pretty accurate with my semen – in fact I practice by shooting tin cans off a fence like cowboys – but this one just isn't worth the risk.

SURI CRUISE IS GOOFY LOOKIN

By brendon July 13, 2007 @ 1:27 PM

Someone needs to kidnap Suri and run a CAT scan on her immediately because something is wrong with her.  I don't know what, but she's clearly f'd up somehow.  She always looks like they just pulled her out of the dryer.  Katie looks like a hot zombie, there's no way her daughter should look like they just hit her in the head with a frying pan.

The super muscular dog isn't relevant to anything, in case you were wondering, except that he was in the Daily Mail today too and he's a mutant just like Suri.  That's pretty much like what I would look like if I was a dog, except with piercing blue eyes and getting smooches from a hot girl dog.