Suri Cruise Needs a Spanking

By Lex April 04, 2014 @ 6:18 PM

Suri Cruise Hides From Cameras With Katie Holmes On The Set Of 'Dangerous Liaisons' In New York
I like to think of myself as a parent to all the world’s children. Kind of like Willy Wonka or Hillary Clinton or a very ambitious androgynous authoritarian, so either of those two previously mentioned. I understand that Tom isn’t around to do this kind of thing. Plus his cleansing supervisor has advised him that any sort of heated physical altercation could snap him right back to cock. Katie’s too guilt ridden to provide the proper stick to her offspring. Way too fucking much carrot. I’d help out. I’m gentle and giving with the left hand, but I serve cold justice with the right. That’s mainly due to the tendonitis in the left. I want the giving part to be painful to remind myself of the true cost of generosity. I hesitate to think of the consequences of Suri reaching adulthood without any sense of consequence. In the very least, the Jews and the Mexicans will likely be disintegrated when her death star is fully operational. I’ll mop up all the half-boiled hemoglobin with your angry letters about how spanking is abuse.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet,

Katie Holmes in a Bikini Top Monitoring Suri

By Lex January 02, 2014 @ 1:06 PM

Katie Holmes In A Bikini Top Poolside In Miami
Being Suri’s caretaker can be no simple task. Like the drastically underpaid job of Mrs. Blaylock ensuring that Damien is not hindered in his devilish prophecy. Somebody needs to cater to her every whim and want lest she unleash a freak hailstorm in Miami or cause soccer to finally be accepted in the U.S. or some other dastardly deed. It’s enough to put wrinkles on your stomach. Fuck, there goes my New Year’s resolution.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet,, PCN

Katie Holmes Got Scientology Stomach

By Lex December 31, 2013 @ 12:55 PM

Katie Holmes Displays Her Wrinkly Stomach In A Pink Bikini Poolside In Miami
I guess all those years with Tom listening to his tortured lectures on why copulation between a man and woman was not meant to take place in this Fourth Galactic Cycle took its toll on Katie Holmes. Just look at those troubled tummy lines. Gandalf’s brow is less furrowed. On the one hand, I can admire Katie for her stand against plastic surgery of any kind. On the other hand, I’d like to buy her a My Last Husband Was So Fucking Gay t-shirt to cover up with at the pool. If the little kids see that, they’ll never want to propagate.

Photo Credit:, PCN, Splash

Tom Cruise Sues the Shit Out of a Magazine

By Lex November 08, 2013 @ 6:17 PM

Some ladies gossip magazine wrote that Tom Cruise ‘abandoned’ his daughter Suri after Katie Holmes renounced Tom and Xenu in one fell swoop. So, Tom Cruise sued them for $50 million for defamation and libel and slander and everything else that means ‘you hurt my feelings, now give me money’. But in the very first round of depositions, Tom admitted that he didn’t see Suri for 110 days straight after the divorce. Tom also went on to say such priceless shit as his film location shoots were more difficult than Afghanistan tours of military duty and more taxing than being an Olympic sprinter, but that’s just because he’s crazy with the gay. The 110 days thing could be a problem. I don’t know where you come from, but all the divorced kids in my neighborhood expected to see dad at least once a week, or a couple weekends a month. You know, unless they were really overseas fighting in wars alongside Ethan Hunt.

Photo Credit: Getty

Suri Cruise Bugs the Shit Out of Her Mom at Work

By Lex August 26, 2013 @ 1:06 PM

Suri Cruise Has A Meltdown And Tugs Katie Holmes' Skirt On The Set Of 'Miss Meadows' In Ohio
Suri Cruise melted down on the set of the film Miss Meadows where Katie Holmes was shooting a wedding scene. Suri may just be seven, but she knows that every time her mom marries, another spawn of Xenu’s Intergalactic War Dragons is born. To prove her point, Suri welled up tears made of a corrosive acid and shot fire balls out of her mouth, leveling the entire set. Though it was on location in Cleveland, so nobody really noticed.

Photo Credit: PCN

Katie Holmes On a Date

By Lex June 24, 2013 @ 3:55 PM

Katie Holmes Out To Lunch With Male Friend In New York
You can tell by looking at Katie Holmes on her lunch date that this dude is not getting any. It’s not just the Amish granny at the buggy market outfit Katie picked out for her big date. It’s not her rape-prevention stance. Or even the way she refuses to acknowledge that he’s standing right next to her trying to sound interesting. But whatever virtual neutering Tom Cruise does to his wives, it seems to take a couple or three years to shake. The good news is both Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman became pretty notorious sex fiends once they finally shook out the¬†Xenu.. This dude needs to save his lunch money for a year or so and pick it up with Katie when he finds her in a high hem line in the produce section of the Whole Foods. That’s the unspoken celebrity signal that you’re ready for sex.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN