Suri was hit by a garbage truck

By brendon July 17, 2012 @ 1:03 PM

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Wait, what? Why was Suri Cruise in the garbage to begin with? Why did Katie Holmes throw her away? Is she Chinese? Let’s find out together friends!

E! News has confirmed that the duo’s vehicle was dinged by a garbage truck in midtown Manhattan.
At around 9:30 p.m. a black Mercedes driven by Holmes’ chauffeur got into a fender-bender with a private sanitation truck.
No injuries were reported … Holmes and Suri were reportedly on their way back from gymnastics class.

You can see Holmes creepily peering around here, and the damage to the car here. That’s the side where Suri was sitting so it’s lucky that there were no injurious. “Luck had nothing to do with it,” the truck driver hissed as he shape shifted back into the form of Scientology leader David Miscavige. “This was only a hint of my power!”

(image source = bauer griffin)

try and guess if Suri got this puppy

By brendon July 16, 2012 @ 5:53 PM

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No. She didn’t. Katie Holmes took Suri to a pet store in New York, and they looked at puppies, a “morkie” and a French bulldog, but then they didn’t get one, and Suri cried. A lot. The photo agency described her as “inconsolable”.

And then an hour after that, this mysterious brochure was slid under Suri’s door titled, “Scientology. We have like a million puppies!”

(image source = splash)

Tom Cruise is threatening to sue the Enquirer

By brendon July 12, 2012 @ 2:44 PM

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This weeks cover for the Enquirer claims Tom Cruise kept Katie Holmes trapped in a HOUSE OF HORRORS (yellow arrow pointing to said house, thankfully included), that “the real Tom is a monster” who locked their daughter Suri in a “tiny, windowless room” for 5 months, that Katie had a secret breakdown, and that Paula Dean lied about how she lost 30 pounds.

Surprisingly, Tom Cruise has taken offense to this (except for the Paula Dean part) and, much like he successfully did with Star, Cruises terrifying attorney Bert Fields is threatening to sue the Enquirer, potentially for hundreds of millions, if they don’t retract their story immediately.

The Hollywood Reporter says:

Fields claims the tabloid’s most recent cover story is “disgraceful and lurid” and will cause the actor “hundreds of millions of dollars of professional and personal damages, for which we intend to hold American Media, and everyone who participated in the perpetuation of this scurrilous attack, jointly and severally liable.”

The letter ends with a threat of litigation if the Enquirer does not “retract each and every one of your false allegations about Mr. Cruise with the same prominence and emphasis as you gave your original false and defamatory assertions.”

In Tom’s defense, it’s not as if he deceived Katie somehow. Everyone knew he was a Scientologist and that Scientology is a scary cult and she married him anyway. He was very upfront. Hell, my girlfriend doesn’t even know my real name, much less about my second family in Florida.

(image source of cruise, who was visited by his son connor, filming ‘oblivion’ in june lake = inf)

did Katie Holmes even try to save her marriage

By brendon July 11, 2012 @ 5:56 PM

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The LA Times says that when Katie Holmes decided to divorce Tom Cruise, she used disposable cell phones provided by a friend to secretly contact lawyers, and Us weekly says she confided in Nicole Kidman while she “secretly plotted to end her marriage”, and People says her “secretive exit strategy” included moving into a new apartment in Manhattan. And then they also say this:

The still-stunned (Cruise) “was a happy man and thought he had a happy life,” says another source. “He keeps asking, ‘What’s happening?’ ”

So did she ever pause during all her backhanded scheming to talk to Cruise about the state of their marriage? It doesn’t sound like it. So either Scientology is so bad she couldn’t risk letting Cruise know their marriage was coming to an end, or she’s kind of a bitch and he’s actually the victim here. Or maybe it’s a little of both. Speculative, wishy-washy answers, exclusively on WWTDD!

(image source of katie, her mom, and suri at the new york zoo today = inf)

Katie Holmes could make $50 million to divorce Tom Cruise

By brendon July 10, 2012 @ 1:32 PM

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According to Forbes, Tom Cruise has made over $240 million since he married Katie Holmes in 2006(*), so while there are no specific details about what she’s getting paid for her shockingly fast and civil (in this case meaning no leaks to the tabloids about her thoughts on Scientology) divorce settlement from Tom Cruise, suffice to say it will be a lot.

“I probably make the estimate between $20 million to, maybe, 40, 20 to 50,” celebrity family attorney Lisa Helfend Meyer told Celebuzz. “A reasonable range, to me, would be between $20 and 30 [million]. Plus, she gets her child support. In California, it’s usually 7-10% of a person’s income — which, in [Cruise's] case, would make it exorbitant.”

Ok but it’s not really a good sign when someone gives you an estimate and the last number is 2.5 times the first. “Did you get a good look at the suspect?” “Yes. He was about 6 feet tall. Maybe 15. He was between 6 and 15 feet tall.”

(*) $75 million last year, $22M in 2010, $33M in 2009, $13M in 2008, $31M in 2007, and $67M in 2006. The $30M in 2005, the year they started dating, would bring the total to $271 million.

Tom and Katie have reached a divorce settlement

By brendon July 09, 2012 @ 1:45 PM

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When Katie Holmes filed for divorce from Tom Cruise, it was immediately followed by dire predictions about how long and nasty the settlement would be. Well now we have the answer: “12 days” and “not at all”.

Though no specific details are known just yet, People says an arrangement has been reached, Cruise and Holmes have both signed it, and…

“Sources close to both sides say that Cruise and Holmes were working on an arrangement in which Suri lives in New York with her mother and her father is given generous visitation rights.”

It was thought that Holmes did want to live in New York to get Suri away from Scientology, so this is perhaps the best she could have hoped for. Unfortunately for her Scientology has intergalactic spaceships, our puny Earth borders mean nothing to them. Seize her you fools, she’s escaping! Find her and the child at once, and cast them into the Pit of Sorrow!

(image source of katie and suri back at the children’s museum of the arts in new york today = fame/flynet)