Tom Cruise might be leaving Scientology. But why?

By brendon September 26, 2012 @ 7:07 PM

south_park_xenu

This seems unlikely, but Star says Tom Cruise has been distancing himself from Scientology in the wake of his divorce from Katie Holmes and spending more time with non-Scientologist friends because he feels it has hurt him both personally and professionally.

“Tom’s been leaning on friends who have different perspectives, getting advice on moving on from Katie as well as on everything he’s been going through with Scientology,” the insider said. “He’s finally seeing that being such an advocate for Scientology hasn’t served him as well as he’d hoped — he’s gone through three divorces, and his public perception has sunk to an all-time low.”

Hopefully this is true because Tom Cruise is a genuinely nice guy by all accounts. I assume Scientology will try to harass him into staying but just ignore them. They’re basically sci-fi nerds. They’re about as intimidating as those gangs in old movies who walk together in a line snapping their fingers.

do Suris legs not work or something

By brendon July 18, 2012 @ 2:07 PM

071812_50836568
Yesterday Tom Cruise picked up his daughter Suri for his first visitation, and he hasn’t put her down since. They went to Tom’s hotel, then left the hotel to get in a car, which took them to her gymnastics class, and today they got on a helicopter, and Cruise carried her the entire time.

She’s 6. Seems a little old to be carried everywhere. Tom should tell her to stop being such a needy little princess, just like my dad told me when I wanted to see a doctor about my broken arm.

(image source = fame/flynet)

Tom Cruise got to visit Suri today

By brendon July 17, 2012 @ 7:02 PM

tom_cruise_suri_july_17_2012

Tom Cruise was allowed to visit his daughter Suri in New York today for the first time since Katie Holmes filed for divorce, the Daily Mail says. Because, remember, he’s the bad parent. His religion takes millions of dollars from it’s members and believes in an all powerful being who came to earth a long time ago, whereas Katie Holmes is a Catholic.

Suri was hit by a garbage truck

By brendon July 17, 2012 @ 1:03 PM

holmes_b-gr_05

Wait, what? Why was Suri Cruise in the garbage to begin with? Why did Katie Holmes throw her away? Is she Chinese? Let’s find out together friends!

E! News has confirmed that the duo’s vehicle was dinged by a garbage truck in midtown Manhattan.
At around 9:30 p.m. a black Mercedes driven by Holmes’ chauffeur got into a fender-bender with a private sanitation truck.
No injuries were reported … Holmes and Suri were reportedly on their way back from gymnastics class.

You can see Holmes creepily peering around here, and the damage to the car here. That’s the side where Suri was sitting so it’s lucky that there were no injurious. “Luck had nothing to do with it,” the truck driver hissed as he shape shifted back into the form of Scientology leader David Miscavige. “This was only a hint of my power!”

(image source = bauer griffin)

try and guess if Suri got this puppy

By brendon July 16, 2012 @ 5:53 PM

suri_cruise_didnt_get_a_puppy

No. She didn’t. Katie Holmes took Suri to a pet store in New York, and they looked at puppies, a “morkie” and a French bulldog, but then they didn’t get one, and Suri cried. A lot. The photo agency described her as “inconsolable”.

And then an hour after that, this mysterious brochure was slid under Suri’s door titled, “Scientology. We have like a million puppies!”

(image source = splash)

Tom Cruise is threatening to sue the Enquirer

By brendon July 12, 2012 @ 2:44 PM

tom_cruise_set_of_oblivion_june_lake

This weeks cover for the Enquirer claims Tom Cruise kept Katie Holmes trapped in a HOUSE OF HORRORS (yellow arrow pointing to said house, thankfully included), that “the real Tom is a monster” who locked their daughter Suri in a “tiny, windowless room” for 5 months, that Katie had a secret breakdown, and that Paula Dean lied about how she lost 30 pounds.

Surprisingly, Tom Cruise has taken offense to this (except for the Paula Dean part) and, much like he successfully did with Star, Cruises terrifying attorney Bert Fields is threatening to sue the Enquirer, potentially for hundreds of millions, if they don’t retract their story immediately.

The Hollywood Reporter says:

Fields claims the tabloid’s most recent cover story is “disgraceful and lurid” and will cause the actor “hundreds of millions of dollars of professional and personal damages, for which we intend to hold American Media, and everyone who participated in the perpetuation of this scurrilous attack, jointly and severally liable.”

The letter ends with a threat of litigation if the Enquirer does not “retract each and every one of your false allegations about Mr. Cruise with the same prominence and emphasis as you gave your original false and defamatory assertions.”

In Tom’s defense, it’s not as if he deceived Katie somehow. Everyone knew he was a Scientologist and that Scientology is a scary cult and she married him anyway. He was very upfront. Hell, my girlfriend doesn’t even know my real name, much less about my second family in Florida.

(image source of cruise, who was visited by his son connor, filming ‘oblivion’ in june lake = inf)