Nothing quite says I’m a noted author like tossing out your big fake tits like they’re the daily catch at the fish market. Who wants some tits? Get your tits here? Hey, you read my new book? Hemingway never pulled that shit. Then again, Hemingway only had sagging man boobs, not the trumpet sections Katie Price delivers when she launches the latest installment of her lighthearted memoirs.
Since nobody’s actually ever read her books, it’s impossible to confirm the excellence that surely lies within her folds. But if you buy 100 copies for your store, Katie Price will come dressed as the kind of angel that gets passed around at bachelor parties after the more squeamish guys have left. Katie puts out another one of these autobiographical novels pretty much every six to twelve months. She’s either living some kind of interesting life or the books contain a detailed diary of her stools. I’d probably buy the bowel movement recordings for my Kindle. I’ve got a low threshold on digital downloads.
It’s unclear who is waiting to purchase the latest autobiography of British fame hussy Katie Price. She’s published a half-dozen tomes of personal tales prior to this new one. They all seem to share a common theme: my life as a tabloid whore has been so crazy! For those not familiar, Katie Price is Kim Kardashian without the business savvy of Kris Jenner or the dick of a super famous black dude in her rump. So, she’s worth about one-percent of Kim. I trust her agent has informed her that all her merchandise shit will be worth a ton more if she were to perish in a gruesome manner. Like pitchfork accident or pitchfork not accident.
Katie Price is a jack-of-all-trades, as she’s a singer, author, actress and, most importantly, a woman with extremely large fake breasts. But like most celebrities without much actual talent, she also has her own fragrances, including “Stunning” and “Besotted”, because who wouldn’t want to smell like a woman who got famous by posing nude?
Katie unveiled her latest fragrance, “Kissable”, in London yesterday, as she dressed like a giant pair of lips and blew kisses to the camera. And then someone in the room must have farted, because that’s the only way I can explain the rest of her looks.
Katie Price dressed up as a pony for the launch of her KP Equestrian wear. I guess the product name Attention Whore Katie Price Crappy Horse Clothes didn’t make it out of consumer testing. Either way, I don’t know how Katie dressing up like a retarded pink filly will help sell her regal sports clothes. I guess there are some women out there who will buy whatever Katie hocks. Just like when Kim Kardashian pimps a douche on Twitter, there are 117,000 women out there who run to the CVS to purchase the same douche because something in their brain tells them they want a love hole that smells like Kim Kardashian’s. Nobody can think that one through rationally and still decide to buy. Still, I guess some ladies will subconsciously connect, ‘Jeez, Katie Price used to screw that hot Latin male model. I bet if I wear her Attention Whore Crappy Horse Clothes, I too will have sex with Latin male models.’ I just don’t get it. I see Katie Price dressed like a pink horse and all I feel is the shame of a lonely horse wrangler out on the prairie knowing what’s going down after the campfire dies out. Whinny my name, Katie.
Would you be OK with your tax dollars going to provide big beautiful fake breasts to members of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee? Yes? Then you should move to jolly ‘ol England! It all started when a chick named Josie Cunningham decided that she couldn’t live with her tiny tits anymore. She wants to be a model and they tend to have larger udders than a 12 year old boy. But how is she going to pay for a £4800 surgery on a £9000 a year salary? Lucky for Josie, Great Britain has government sponsored healthcare. All she had to do was go to her doc and tell him that her small breasteses were making her depressed and before you can say “Kate Middleton Ain’t Shaint Her Taint”, Josie had brand spanking new 36 DD tits. Blimey!
Josie says the inspiration for her surgery is British glamour model and attention whore Katie Price. For those not familiar, Katie Price is essentially a Kim Kardashian of the English variety. I know we have girls in the U.S. already asking for fake body parts to look like Kim Kardashian, and that’s all kinds of horrible in its own way, but they’re paying for it the old fashioned way — daddy, boyfriend, armed robbery of bodegas. Imagine the outrage when you find out your tax dollars went to give some chick with a busted grille like Josie some new giant cans so she can try to be a reality star. At least we’ll finally have that long national debate over the importance of tits. A long time coming.
Here’s Katie Price, so you can see Josie’s life goal.