Katy Perry About to Be Exposed

By Lex August 28, 2014 @ 1:24 PM

Katy Perry Chesty Performing Her Prismatic Tour In Winnipeg
After copious amounts of heroin, Russell Brand decided his life had to have more meaning than just being an occasionally funny comedian who makes the same occasionally funny movie over and over again. Some people’s soul searching leads them to crude medical clinics in the Congo, for performers it’s either unintelligible indie films or writing op-ed pieces in the newspaper. Nobody rich really wants to soul search their way into a case of ebola.

Russell Brand doubled down on his spiritual awakening by granting a documentary team total access to his life for the past few years. Since the only thing people could possibly be interested in involving Brand’s spiritual journey was his short-lived marriage to Katy Perry, even the filmmakers are letting slip that that will form a solid bulk of the documentary content. Watching Brand stroke himself while reading Malcolm X will comprise the remaining eighteen percent of screen time.

For Katy Perry this means a ton of the unpleasant and real shit her publicity and legal team spend so many countless hours and money destroying in the virtual shredder will likely be onscreen. While marriage to Russell Brand has to be akin to shoving a rusty nails up your ass until you feel it whittling the back of your molars, word always was that Katy was a total cunty nightmare of a spouse. This doesn’t bode well for her. Brand makes his living off being an asswipe. Katy by pretending to be the exact opposite. I would not be surprised to see a horrible fire in the documentarians post-production facility that takes out all known copies off the footage. The only forensic clues left behind of brightly colored feathers and shreds of nipple tape.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Katy Perry Can Craft Babies Solo

By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 9:47 AM

katy-perry-upskirt-at-naval-concert
Katy Perry put it out there. Be the right guy to stuff a baby inside of me or I will go baster. The precise spermatozoa cocktail Katy intends to bathe her eggs in remains unclear. She could have each of her former boyfriends jizz into the 500ml beaker and slam that mix home such that none will ever no who is the true birth father. Or she could go completely rogue and mount a homeless man with good bone structure.

I don’t need a dude. I mean, Neil [Patrick Harris] and David [Burtka], their twins are beautiful.

Good point. Although, those are actually two dudes, so not a great point.

It’s 2014! We are living in the future; we don’t need anything. I don’t think I’ll have to, but we’ll see. I’m not anti-men. I love men. But there is an option if someone doesn’t present himself.

As a child, I always dreamed of living in the future. That happened. But my future was flying cars and far more tactile realistic cyberporn. Hollywood women have been taking matters into their own hands for years now when it comes to purchasing or implanting babies so they can fulfill their maternal longings. You do need a pint-sized showpiece for all those Pixar premieres. Many people worry that women are abusing their new power to produce offspring with just their wombs and a decent credit card limit. That seems shortsighted. If a vanity baby with a stupid name prevents Katy Perry from writing just one more song, it’s a small price to pay.

Katy Perry Upskirt In Out Beverly Hills

By Lex June 18, 2014 @ 11:57 AM

Katy Perry Upskirt Out In Beverly Hills

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Katy Perry And Madonna And Some Intergenerational Bondage

By Lex May 22, 2014 @ 2:21 PM

Katy Perry And Madonna In A S&M Photo Shoot For V Magazine
I’m going to go ahead and guess this was Madonna’s idea. Katy Perry has gone through too many boyfriends to be passionate about kink. Personally, I dig this kind of artistic expression. I only wish it were real. I’d like to see Katy Perry pull Madonna’s hair hard while yelling out, “I’m not you in my future, you sickly old Skeletor bitch!”  I’m just throwing that out there, Katy can yell out whatever the hell she wants, so long as she pulls hard and makes Madonna regret this whole bondage thing as a way to still get attention at 75.

Photo Credit: V Magazine

Katy Perry Is Just Full Of Crazy Ideas

By Travis April 09, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Just when you think that Katy Perry is completely out of ways to prove how zany and unique she is, she does something that just blows our minds. Last night, she joined Nicole Richie and others in supporting Marianne Williamson, an independent candidate for Congress, at an event in Los Angeles, and Katy stole the show with her amazing green hair. People must have freaked out when they saw her hair and asked her, “How did you ever come up with this idea?” and she replied, “It’s green!” causing everyone to lose their shit and act like she’s the most original person who has ever walked the Earth. Or maybe she showed up to the event and pointed to her head, and someone pointed out that you could see Nicole’s tits, and then Katy just sulked in the corner for the rest the night. It has to be one of those two options.

Photo Credits: Getty

Riff Raff Wants To Date Katy Perry

By Travis March 26, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Now that she and John Mayer have broken up again, Katy Perry is going to need to find a few rebound guys to date before she eventually gets back together with John, so why not start with one who looks like he just woke up on a strip club bathroom floor? According to rapper Riff Raff, he and Katy went on a date last week, and he gave her the “holy trinity” of “Sushi, bowling and drinks,” which is the most boring and disappointing definition of a holy trinity that could ever come from a guy like Riff Raff. Naturally, because she’s a huge pop star with other-worldly breasts and he’s a guy with two hands, he told TMZ that he’d like to take her out again when she gets back into the country, and he said it all while holding on to another girl’s ass cheek. Katy might as well give this human blackface routine a chance, because it’s not like she’ll ever do worse than John Mayer.

Photo Credit: Riff Raff’s Instagram