By Lex May 02, 2013 @ 11:53 AM
Every time I see a girl that John Mayer nailed, all I can think of is John Mayer in a sombrero and a smug smile banging them silly. I don’t really think this way about anybody else. Maybe it’s because John Mayer is such a self-satisfied lucky bastard, or maybe because the girls he brings into his circle of passion are just so good looking, but it drives me nuts. For instance, right now, I can barely appreciate Katy Perry’s career making tits. I should be just staring at them wondering how many times Katy rubs the soap over them in the shower well after they’re obviously clean. I should be thinking about her trying on bras at a naughty boutique to see which silky undergarment teases her nipples ever so perfectly. But, no, all I can think about is a dude spoon feeding himself organic quinoa while Katy Perry lies beneath him with her eyes closed praying to her Lord to keep her world safe from the Jews. John Mayer ruins everything.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN, WENN
By Lex April 01, 2013 @ 3:44 PM
I guess Katy Perry’s an okay person, if she’s not your henpecking girlfriend with a weird upbringing that taught her not to have sex but to highlight her titties to become famous. I wouldn’t go in there if I was predisposed to falling off the drug wagon or had rage issues or liked sex without having to talk about how you can’t trust the Jews to make her climax. But, Katy Perry would be a monumental notch on the bedpost. That must be why so many guys keep going for it. And she looks good, in her Spandex, doing that walking thing because her boobs are too big and bouncy to run near paparazzi.
Photo Credit: FlameFlynet
By Travis March 25, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
To be fair to children in general, a better headline might be “Award Shows Are Incredibly Stupid”, but since the Kids Choice Awards took place in Los Angeles on Saturday, we’ll stick to making fun of the little morons for now. Hosted by actor Josh Duhamel, who got the job after finishing third in a Timothy Olyphant lookalike contest, this year’s Kids Choice Awards honored a number of people who were willing to show up, including Katy Perry’s breasts and One Direction.
But the big winner of the night was Kristen Stewart, who was named Favorite Movie Actress for her breathtaking performance as a girl who looks confused in Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part Thank God It’s Over.
Sandra Bullock and Neil Patrick Harris were likewise drenched in the green goo while presenting the award for favorite movie actress. Winner Kristen Stewart, recognized for her role in “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2,” joined in by hugging Bullock, getting messy in the process. Stewart also won the prize for favorite female buttkicker for her role in “Snow White and the Huntsman.”
Other film winners included Johnny Depp, who attended but was not slimed, as favorite movie actor for “Dark Shadows.” Favorite movie went to “The Hunger Games,” with “Wreck-It Ralph” winning favorite animated movie. Favorite voice from an animated movie went to Adam Sandler for “Hotel Transylvania,” and Dwayne Johnson won favorite male buttkicker for “Journey 2: The Mysterious Island.” (L.A. Times)
Of course Johnny Depp didn’t get slimed. God forbid someone get some sticky goo on his bitchin’ leather bracelets. But it’s great that Depp’s performance in the PG-13 Dark Shadows was honored by children in 22 countries, as there wasn’t a middle school cafeteria that wasn’t buzzing over that movie last year. “Hey, did you see Dark Shadows,” the cool kids would ask, adding, “My bad, I forgot you were giving birth.”
(Photo Credits: Getty)
By Travis March 20, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
For all the shit that people give Taylor Swift about her flavors of the week and corresponding songs, Katy Perry isn’t much better off. We just don’t give her as much hell since she has huge breasts and doesn’t sing mopey pop farts about the guys with tiny peckers that couldn’t please her. That’s not saying her music is much better, mind you. But at least she’s willing to toss a pair of whipped cream cans over her tits and let us pretend she’s a porn star.
Anyway, Katy and her breasts are single again.
It’s all over but the singing – once again – for Katy Perry and John Mayer.
The couple, who had been dating for the past seven months in what was their second chance at love, have again parted ways, a source confirms to PEOPLE.
The split comes less than a month after Perry, 28, was spotted wearing a ruby from Mayer, 35. (People)
Oh my, a ruby ring? That’s so beautiful. The ruby, of course, is a precious gemstone that men have long gifted to their lovers as a way of saying, “Sorry I gave you crabs.” In that case, Russell Brand better have bought her an entire ruby mine.
As for John Mayer, he continues to be living proof that knowing how to play the guitar and looking like you rarely shower will always get you laid, as long as there are girls in L.A. with low self-esteems. And that’s not meant to knock Mayer, because he’s basically a hero.
(Photo Credits: Getty)
By brendon February 11, 2013 @ 11:38 AM
Award shows are all dumb because taste is subjective but the Grammy Awards are extra dumb because they’ve given Taylor Swift 7 of the fucking things. So all we can really hope for is that Katy Perry wears something that shows off her tits (she did!) and that Lindsay Lohan does something embarrassing (she did not).
But that’s only because she wasn’t there. At this point there could be a Lindsay Lohan Awards with a Best Lindsay Lohan category and she wouldn’t even be invited to that.
(image source = getty, wenn, splash)
By brendon January 18, 2013 @ 8:24 PM
ALICIA KEYS – will sing the National Anthem at Super Bowl XLVII in New Orleans on February 3rd. Or 4th, or 5th, or whenever it is that Saints fans run out of beer bottles to throw at Roger Goodell and they can start the game. (e!)
AMERICAN IDOL – returned Wednesday and had it’s lowest ratings ever for a season premiere, down 19 percent from last year, which itself was down 24 percent from the year before. Fox has had no comment so far, but one theory is that the show is pointless and terrible. (cnn)
MICHAEL J. FOX – would not be happy if his son ever ended up dating Taylor Swift because she “writes songs about everybody she goes out with.” She also has a pointy nose like a little rat if that helps his cause any. (vulture)
KATY PERRY – will join Kelly Clarkson, Beyonce, Alicia Keys, Usher, Brad Paisley, Chris Cornell, Will.i.am, John Legend, Ke$ha, and dozens more to perform at multiple parties for President Obama’s inauguration on Monday, an event which will cost taxpayers around $115 million for a fake ceremony because he’ll actually be sworn in, privately, the day before. It’s part of a traditional bi-partisan policy called, “We’re Broke Because We Spend Your Tax Money On Ourselves And Other Stupid Shit So Then We Take More Because You Can Go Fuck Yourself”. (huff post)
ZOMBIELAND – might finally become a TV show, which was actually the idea from the very beginning before it became a movie. The show will still revolve around the 4 main characters from the movie, and whether or not they can escape from a brain dead slug that takes 30 minutes to cross the street. (io9)