Katy Perry’s new album Prism is being called a bio-hazard in Australia and not just because it is a steaming pile of audible dookie. It seems that copies of her CD come with little seeds that the buyer is encouraged to plant to “spread the light”. The CDs pressed in Australia have native seeds, but the imported copies have seeds not indigenous to the land down under. The problem is that if some teen girl who thinks Roar is the best song ever plants the non-native seeds, it could have catastrophic ecological effects. Dead koalas will litter the streets of the nation or continent or whatever the hell it is. The good news is that after she’s killed a few million wallabies and little joeys, Katy will hold a benefit concert for some Australian wildlife preserve where the skeletons of the marsupials that used to roam the planet can be seen by schoolchildren. People magazine will write a cover story about how Katy Perry has never been happier, again. And John Mayer will start nailing Katy’s sister. Nature will be back in balance.
Katy Perry performed her hit song “Roar” for a crowd of her fans at the Sydney Opera House yesterday, which isn’t noteworthy because the song is just the same old, cookie cutter pop crap that we’ve come to expect from her and the rest of her kind, right down to the fact that she’s singing, “I’ve got the eye of the tiger” like she wrote it. But as I was sitting there wondering why I was watching more than 4 minutes of her breathlessly pandering to children, she started jumping rope (around 2:45) and suddenly became the greatest performer of her generation. It’s remarkable how an opinion can change so quickly when a woman starts bouncing up and down.
Katy Perry might just be pulling off some secret voodoo shit. She admitted to AC Slater…er…Mario Lopez in an interview that she keeps locks of Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus’ hair in her purse. It seems that the three useless stars once shared a dressing room together and for some reason she felt compelled to take some of their hair.
“One of the first times I went to the Grammys, I got to share a dressing room with Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift. And I asked for a lock of their hair from each one of them, which is totally creepy, but awesome.I put little bows on them individually and put them in my purse. And that was my little secret and I’m a freak!”
Freak indeed. Or witch. Think about it. Katy Perry is now taking the John Mayer emo-stump, once controlled by Taylor Swift, and she’s turned Miley Cyrus into a retarded platypus looking bog creature. If Katy Perry comes asking for your hair, just run in the other direction. By the time you’ve heard the first verse of her new Eye of the Tiger ripoff, you’re already cursed.
Katy Perry couldn’t figure out a better way to stick it to her Evangelical huckster parents than getting shit-faced in London, showing off her boobs, and telling the world she’s getting ready to marry a Jew. Her folks are going to demand at least $10K in indulgences before they agree to forgive her for that shit.
“He literally is a genius, as is evident from his songwriting. I always tell him, ‘Darling, you know I’m going to have to give your mind to science after you’ve passed, because we’re going to have to understand how all these sparks work.” — Katy Perry commenting on her future husband
That is some praise for a dude who wrote like four decent emo pop songs for teen girls. Maybe she’s referring to the fact that he’s banged Jennifer Ansiton, Jessica Simpson, and Minka Kelly. That there is some actual genius. Katy Perry can’t possibly be as fun. But, she’s super famous and needy and has big boobs, which means soon she’ll be crushing the wine glass as her parents weep softly in their condolence cash.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet, WENN
Every time that Katy Perry talks about how much she thinks John Mayer is a genius or just speaks in general, I ask myself how we could have let this woman become a star. But then I remember tits, tits, boobs, giant titty jugs, breasts, tits and it all completely makes sense. She’s also wonderful at making faces while she’s performing that make it look like she’s sucking someone off, like she did last night at the iTunes Festival in London, and if you’re the kind of guy who lets his girlfriend or wife drag him to one of Katy’s shows, at least you have that to look forward to.
(Photo Credits: WENN.com)