I’ve decided to go without ever listening to another Katy Perry song. It’s like giving up the evening news, I just think it’ll make me feel less hopeless and depressed. In her new music video Roar, Katy dresses like Tarzan if Tarzan sold records by showing off his tits. Someday, I hope we can evolve to a place where female musicians aren’t obliged to expose their bodies just to promote their art. Just not in my lifetime, please.
I don’t know which is worse: A) That Katy Perry showed up to the MTV Video Music Awards last night with her breasts completely covered up by the rug from a late-70s porn set, B) That Katy Perry rocked the stupid rich white lady wearing a grill schtick less than a week after Madonna’s old, veiny ass did it, or C) That Katy Perry stood on the red carpet and made the same stupid face with her dumb $1,000 grill as Riff Raff did on the very same night.
And it’s a trick multiple choice question, because the answer is: D) That Katy Perry has sex with John Mayer after he wrote a song whining about Taylor Swift.
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John Mayer and Katy Perry are reportedly dating again, and that’s cool for both of them, because she likes being with guys who seem like massive tools and he’s a grown man still singing songs about Taylor Swift. Really, it’s a match made in heaven. But the couple was out shopping in New York last week, when they did something that was actually pretty cool.
Katy and John stopped into a guitar shop in SoHo and were immediately recognized my some young female fans, and after one of the girls told John that she wanted a particular guitar but couldn’t afford it, he bought it for her. And soon after, according to her Twitter account, she broke the caps lock key on her keyboard.
Katy Perry and Russell Brand knew each other for a little more than a year before they got married in 2010, and they’d been married a little more than one year before they filed for divorce in 2011. So it’s safe to say that neither of them is in much of a position to offer anyone marriage advice, unless that advice is: “Look at everything we did and do the complete opposite.”
Esquire magazine recently interviewed Russell and, of course, the topic of his marriage to Katy (seen above wearing a dress that she should never wear again) came up and he explained why it failed.
‘But it’s going to be hard if I go into a monogamous relationship. I live a life where I have a lot of freedom, so if I meet someone and I go, “Right let’s be monogamous,” that’s a f**king change.’
‘But I tried it and I loved it. I really think she’s a lovely beautiful person [Katy Perry]. It’s just hard isn’t it? She’s got a lot of options, I’ve got a lot of options, so you’ve got to really, really want it.’ (Daily Mail)
Translated: I realized that there are millions of women out there who will fuck any man who is remotely famous. Can’t blame a guy for that.
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It’s not easy being Katy Perry. I mean, yeah, it’s probably easy being rich and famous and good looking. But having grifters-for-Jesus parents who caravan the states preaching for spare cash and using you as their evidence of Satan on earth, well that part probably sucks. The good news is that Katy responded like all girls do to overbearing religious parents — she showed off her tits on Twitter (see above). Then she got tarted up to bump and grind with the Rolling Stones in Vegas. See how different Katy looks from 2002 as a asexual butch disciple of J.C. on The Trinity Channel. Maybe her parents are onto something?
Every time I see a girl that John Mayer nailed, all I can think of is John Mayer in a sombrero and a smug smile banging them silly. I don’t really think this way about anybody else. Maybe it’s because John Mayer is such a self-satisfied lucky bastard, or maybe because the girls he brings into his circle of passion are just so good looking, but it drives me nuts. For instance, right now, I can barely appreciate Katy Perry’s career making tits. I should be just staring at them wondering how many times Katy rubs the soap over them in the shower well after they’re obviously clean. I should be thinking about her trying on bras at a naughty boutique to see which silky undergarment teases her nipples ever so perfectly. But, no, all I can think about is a dude spoon feeding himself organic quinoa while Katy Perry lies beneath him with her eyes closed praying to her Lord to keep her world safe from the Jews. John Mayer ruins everything.
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