Katy Perry Got Too Much Miley Tongue

By colin March 06, 2014 @ 9:48 AM

Katy Perry knows this cheeky sexualized pop star act is just a bit. You do the Kissed a Girl thing and get half naked in your music videos because it sells records. Then you go home and slap on your fat girl sweatpants eat a pound of olive loaf while watching Hoda and Kathie Lee. Miley Cyrus hasn’t unplugged from The Matrix just yet. She believes she’s the tip of the spear of a female sexual revolution like every teen girl does when she moves out of her parents house and starts to get laid. Katy Perry says when she moved in for the staged peck with Miley in concert, the rabid platypus started shoving her tongue down Katy’s throat like she was her biker lady on a conjugal. Katy pulled away in bacteriological horror:

“God knows where that tongue has been. We don’t know, that tongue is so infamous.”

Excellent point, Katy. Though we’re pretty sure it hasn’t been enveloping the dick of one of the most prodigious pussy slayers in Hollywood like yours has. So quit being such a priss and accept Miley’s tongue down your throat and her finger up your twat if she’s choosing to bless you today with feeling like a real woman. You’re her bitch now. That’s Tennessee law. The next time, she won’t be asking for your opinion.

Katy Perry: Midwife With a Healthy Rack

By Michael February 27, 2014 @ 4:22 PM

Katy Perry is apparently now delivering babies in people’s homes. You know, because having big yabbos and formerly laying beneath Jon Mayer and Russell Brand give you the requisite knowledge to assist in childbirth. Katy bragged on Twitter that she helped someone give birth in their living room. Who in the name of holy baby Jesus thought, “You know who I want to help me in the miracle of childbirth? Katy Perry”? It’s either someone from her entourage who was sucking up by asking Katy to help pull a fetus from her reproductive canal or it was some demented fan. Either way, it seems medically unsound. Katy said of the experience,

“Finally you can add “helps delivers babies in living rooms” to my resume! It’s been a miracle of a day…?? Auntie Katy aka Stylist Auntie

I guess knowing how to form the heart shape via Twitter emoticon is akin to having your obstetrician’s degree. Next, Katy will pick one lucky girl out of her concert audience and give her a pap smear with a tiger-print speculum. I don’t know much about ladies or their, but I know enough to call an M.D. when a pregnant woman starts shouting about anything.

John Mayer Will Be Banging His Next Celebrity in T-Minus 30 Minutes

By Lex February 26, 2014 @ 7:28 PM

E! Online, the purveyor of single-ply entertainment news, has reported that Katy Perry and John Mayer are no longer a couple. Just yesterday they announced that Katy Perry looked like she was wearing an engagement ring from the love of her life, so I’m still having to deal with the heartbreak of their particular brand of journalism. A consensus of gossip sites with no real sources peg the breakup as being Katy’s decision, with John Mayer heartbroken for at least the next few minutes he spends not boning other hot Hollywood actresses. Katy Perry really was a blip on his resume of becoming the most prolific Jewish cocksman since God stopped directly ordering Jews to be fruitful. Plus, if he had to kiss Katy Perry now that she she’d swapped spit with Miley Cyrus, it would be like he was kissing Kellan Lutz’s cock. You don’t want to put a ring on that.

Photo credit: Getty

Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry Degrade Lesbians (VIDEO)

By Lex February 24, 2014 @ 10:13 AM

When I think of all the recently outed brave lesbians like Ellen Page and Jason Collins, I shudder to think how diminished they must feel to see pop music stars using lesbian sexuality for pure spectacle value. Phil Robertson believes the bible tells him that sodomy is sinful. He’s guileless in his beliefs. He’s not using the ‘gay thing’ to rake in cash. He kills ducks. Miley Cyrus planted a big kiss on Katy Perry in the audience of her geek show at Staples Center in the latest episode of really cynical gay exploitation. Though you do have to admire Miley Cyrus’ ability to keep singing even when she lowered the microphone and kissed Katy Perry. That’s a neat trick. It’s become a common sight to see pop music stars wiggling their tongues between their V-fingers, grabbing each other’s tits in public, and making all sorts of Sapphic suggestiveness. But these girls aren’t gay. They weren’t born that way. They’re not going to face non-existent discrimination in Hollywood. Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry and their ilk are cynically using the serious issue of females born to bump clams to shock the public and sell more tickets. That’s just vile. Unless both the girls are super hot. Then it’s fucking amazing. But that’s the exception.

Stripper Fired for Sharing Katy Perry Strip Club Photos

By Lex February 13, 2014 @ 5:06 PM

Katy Perry Dances On A Pole During Her Performance At The 56th Grammy Awards
I’d normally criticize a guy for skipping out on the Super Bowl. There’s not much excuse. But John Mayer spent Super Bowl Sunday at a strip club with Katy Perry throwing down serious cash in the champagne room. He gets a pass. Fuck the Seahawks, I want to see a Spearmint Rhino stripper grind her vagina into Katy Perry’s face. One of the strippers at the club broke the first rule of strip club and shared (or sold) photos of herself and Katy at the Rhino. She got fired dramatically in front of the entire emotionally disturbed stripper staff just to drive home that rule. “Cassidy” was forced to pack her bags and take the long walk of shame all the way to next door where the newly renamed “Savannah” was pressing her ass into a bachelor’s face within twenty minutes time. For strippers, life is just a series of upsides.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

These Two Should Just Do It Already

By Travis February 11, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Anna Kendrick already sparked the horny imaginations of regular dorks everywhere when she described how Katy Perry finger fucked her cleavage at the Grammys, but now she’s backing up their potentially hot lesbian actress/singer affair with images. Anna tweeted a picture of her and Katy from last Friday’s Stand Up to Cancer event, and the future ex-Mrs. John Mayer was again feeling touchy around the Pitch Perfect star. Did Katy only tease Anna with a breast grab or was this photo snapped moments before she took a handful and ultimately charge of the situation, leading to a full-on evening of experimenting and scissoring in a hot tub for two? I don’t know, it’s not like I’ve even thought about it.