Kids Are Incredibly Stupid

By Travis March 25, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

To be fair to children in general, a better headline might be “Award Shows Are Incredibly Stupid”, but since the Kids Choice Awards took place in Los Angeles on Saturday, we’ll stick to making fun of the little morons for now. Hosted by actor Josh Duhamel, who got the job after finishing third in a Timothy Olyphant lookalike contest, this year’s Kids Choice Awards honored a number of people who were willing to show up, including Katy Perry’s breasts and One Direction.

But the big winner of the night was Kristen Stewart, who was named Favorite Movie Actress for her breathtaking performance as a girl who looks confused in Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part Thank God It’s Over.

Sandra Bullock and Neil Patrick Harris were likewise drenched in the green goo while presenting the award for favorite movie actress. Winner Kristen Stewart, recognized for her role in “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2,” joined in by hugging Bullock, getting messy in the process. Stewart also won the prize for favorite female buttkicker for her role in “Snow White and the Huntsman.”

Other film winners included Johnny Depp, who attended but was not slimed, as favorite movie actor for “Dark Shadows.” Favorite movie went to “The Hunger Games,” with “Wreck-It Ralph” winning favorite animated movie. Favorite voice from an animated movie went to Adam Sandler for “Hotel Transylvania,” and Dwayne Johnson won favorite male buttkicker for “Journey 2: The Mysterious Island.” (L.A. Times)

Of course Johnny Depp didn’t get slimed. God forbid someone get some sticky goo on his bitchin’ leather bracelets. But it’s great that Depp’s performance in the PG-13 Dark Shadows was honored by children in 22 countries, as there wasn’t a middle school cafeteria that wasn’t buzzing over that movie last year. “Hey, did you see Dark Shadows,” the cool kids would ask, adding, “My bad, I forgot you were giving birth.”

(Photo Credits: Getty)

Katy Perry Is Single Yet Again

By Travis March 20, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

For all the shit that people give Taylor Swift about her flavors of the week and corresponding songs, Katy Perry isn’t much better off. We just don’t give her as much hell since she has huge breasts and doesn’t sing mopey pop farts about the guys with tiny peckers that couldn’t please her. That’s not saying her music is much better, mind you. But at least she’s willing to toss a pair of whipped cream cans over her tits and let us pretend she’s a porn star.

Anyway, Katy and her breasts are single again.

It’s all over but the singing – once again – for Katy Perry and John Mayer.

The couple, who had been dating for the past seven months in what was their second chance at love, have again parted ways, a source confirms to PEOPLE.

The split comes less than a month after Perry, 28, was spotted wearing a ruby from Mayer, 35. (People)

Oh my, a ruby ring? That’s so beautiful. The ruby, of course, is a precious gemstone that men have long gifted to their lovers as a way of saying, “Sorry I gave you crabs.” In that case, Russell Brand better have bought her an entire ruby mine.

As for John Mayer, he continues to be living proof that knowing how to play the guitar and looking like you rarely shower will always get you laid, as long as there are girls in L.A. with low self-esteems. And that’s not meant to knock Mayer, because he’s basically a hero.

(Photo Credits: Getty)

Katy Perry was the best thing about the Grammys

By brendon February 11, 2013 @ 11:38 AM

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Award shows are all dumb because taste is subjective but the Grammy Awards are extra dumb because they’ve given Taylor Swift 7 of the fucking things. So all we can really hope for is that Katy Perry wears something that shows off her tits (she did!) and that Lindsay Lohan does something embarrassing (she did not).

But that’s only because she wasn’t there. At this point there could be a Lindsay Lohan Awards with a Best Lindsay Lohan category and she wouldn’t even be invited to that.

(image source = getty, wenn, splash)

Friday Afternoon Headlines

By brendon January 18, 2013 @ 8:24 PM

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ALICIA KEYS – will sing the National Anthem at Super Bowl XLVII in New Orleans on February 3rd. Or 4th, or 5th, or whenever it is that Saints fans run out of beer bottles to throw at Roger Goodell and they can start the game. (e!)

AMERICAN IDOL – returned Wednesday and had it’s lowest ratings ever for a season premiere, down 19 percent from last year, which itself was down 24 percent from the year before. Fox has had no comment so far, but one theory is that the show is pointless and terrible. (cnn)

MICHAEL J. FOX – would not be happy if his son ever ended up dating Taylor Swift because she “writes songs about everybody she goes out with.” She also has a pointy nose like a little rat if that helps his cause any. (vulture)

KATY PERRY – will join Kelly Clarkson, Beyonce, Alicia Keys, Usher, Brad Paisley, Chris Cornell, Will.i.am, John Legend, Ke$ha, and dozens more to perform at multiple parties for President Obama’s inauguration on Monday, an event which will cost taxpayers around $115 million for a fake ceremony because he’ll actually be sworn in, privately, the day before. It’s part of a traditional bi-partisan policy called, “We’re Broke Because We Spend Your Tax Money On Ourselves And Other Stupid Shit So Then We Take More Because You Can Go Fuck Yourself”. (huff post)

ZOMBIELAND – might finally become a TV show, which was actually the idea from the very beginning before it became a movie. The show will still revolve around the 4 main characters from the movie, and whether or not they can escape from a brain dead slug that takes 30 minutes to cross the street. (io9)

Katy Perry is grabby

By brendon October 17, 2012 @ 12:17 PM

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Most girls would just take a guys hand to steady themselves, but Katy Perry went right for John Mayers dick last night as she very cautiously stepped off a curb, as if she thought the street might be made of lava.

So maybe she’s a perv, or maybe Mayer just looked very handsome in his little outfit. With that greaser hair they should go to a carnival and sing “You’re The One That I Want” to each other.

(image source = splash)

Katy Perry is still with John Mayer, embarrassed about it

By brendon October 16, 2012 @ 5:32 PM

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Katy Perry and John Mayer were in New York today (his 35th birthday) and, as always, she hid her face and hung her head in shame. He has got to be getting tired of this. If I were dating someone like her, that is to say a skinny millionaire with DD’s, I’d be like, “now you listen here woman, you’ve got just 6 months to knock that off.”

(image source = inf)