It wouldn’t kill Kelly Brook to whore it up a little when she walks around LA, but she has 32E boobs so I forgive her. This isn't really a problem at all. If you're a girl with E’s, you could stab a pony or rip the wings off an angel and I’d still wack off to it.
(picture source = splash news)
Kelly Brook and her new boyfriend Danny Cipriani are spending the holidays in the Caribbean, and I’ve never heard of this dude until three seconds ago, but according to published reports I made up just now, he’s a homo, and he’s lying to Kelly so he can be seen with her and get publicity. It's true. It's kind of true. There are even reports that he worked in gay porn under the name, "Dick Handler". Poor Kelly. I'm sorry you had to find out this way. I'm always here for you and your huge tits, you know that don't you baby? Just say the word. Perhaps a series of blowjobs will help in some way.
(picture source = bauer griffin)
Katherine Heigl is a mess - Go Fug Yourself has some thoughts on Katherine Heigl wearing tiny sandals, a skintight skirt, and a cheap-looking shiny satin top. Try and guess if they’re good. (picture source = splash news)
Michael Phelps will be very rich very soon – his agent says the swimmer could make 100 million dollars by getting the warhead and holding the world hostage in endorsements.
Kelly Brook in a bikini – This link will lead to pictures of Kelly Brook in a bikini, as implied by the title.
Nothing can stop a Werewolf - If you’re being chased by the Wheelchair Werewolf, say your prayers. Or step up on a curb.
Watchmen might be in trouble - Warner Bros. is scheduled to release the highly anticipated "Watchmen" on March 6, but a federal judge in LA has decided he will hear a lawsuit filed by 20th Century Fox against Warners over rights to the comic. This could lead to delays, mostly because nerds will fill the gutters of earth after killing themselves in the streets.
Kelly Brook has ended her 4 year relationship and engagement to Billy Zane. Why? It probably had something to do with these shorts. The Daily Mail says…
The 28-year-old has decided she is too young to marry.
A source told The Sun: “After much soul-searching, Kelly decided that Billy is not the man she wants to marry and has called off the engagement.
“The split is completely amicable and the decision was made after long conversations here and in the US. They remain good friends.”
I should probably feel bad for Billy Zane but he made this movie so fuck him. In the spirit of that, here are pictures of the tits he's never gonna get on again. Later, I’m gonna bang Kelly on the hood of his car then dig up his parents and bury them upside down.
I get all tense through my chest whenever pictures of Kelly Brook show up, like these of her yesterday in London launching her new perfume, cleverly called "Kelly Brook". Normally she wears clothes that fit like a band around a barrel, but even in this flowy dress thingy, she and her giant rack look fantastic. If you're like me, you're extremely surprised that she and I aren't dating yet. I've written her several times, but I don't know if she's gotten my letters because those smart-asses at the Post Office claim "Boobs" is not a real address. It would have been nice had they mentioned that before I spent 98 dollars on postage. Maybe I didn't have to mail every single picture I drew of me and Kelly flying over a rainbow on a Unicorn, but the discerning eye will notice that in some of the pictures the Unicorn is white, while in others its silver. And in one I braided his mane, and in another we’re actually on a dolphin.
Science has determined that British model Kelly Brook is the perfect woman and has all the scientific markers which determine what men find attractive. Her 34E-24-34 measurements, big eyes and long dark hair make her the perfect physical specimen, according to my penis researchers. A few of the highlights from the … umm … "report":
THE HAIR - Kelly has been blessed with naturally long, thick chestnut curls. Hair extensions are definitely not required. Shiny locks have long been a marker of health and therefore make a woman instantly more attractive to men.
THE FACE - Dr Ben Jones of Aberdeen University's Face Laboratory said: "Men from all cultures are drawn to a babyish face with big eyes and arched eyebrows which seem consistent with high estrogen levels."
THE BOOBS - Her 34E bust has no need of a silicone boost.
THE WAIST - "Super-beautiful" women have waists a third smaller than their hips and three-quarters their bust measurement, say researchers at the University of Gdansk in Poland.
THE HIPS - Researchers at the University of Texas say the perfect woman's hip to waist ratio is 0.7 - her exact measurements.
THE LEGS - At 5ft 8in tall she has longer pins than the average woman which makes her, according to experts at the University of Gdansk, more beautiful.
I don't know what 16-year-old boy funded this study but it's hard to argue with the results. I would have included "Asian" in there somewhere but I'm a fancy gentleman who doesn't shy away from such erotic delights. England seems to have a bunch of chicks like this, which is probably why it doesn't have a space program or gold medals because WHO THE HELL CARES. TITS!
(WARNING - these pictures are Kelly topless on the beach with bf Billy Zane. Who is also topless. Rawr!)
