By Lex July 10, 2014 @ 10:51 AM
When you tattoo the word ‘stories’ into your skull and start dating a dude with a beard it’s a sign that your fourth rehab probably isn’t holding. I guess there’s not much you can really do as parents and friends other than to tell Kelly to wear knickers for when she next falls down in the gutter outside a bar. Nobody ever had the decency to give Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan the same sagely advice. Kelly’s cute teen addictions are now about to turn thirty, the age at which face planting officially becomes passé. Unless you’re really attractive. So Kelly has three months to go.
Say, here’s a photo to keep around for when you have an inopportune boner:
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/Instagram
By Lex October 29, 2013 @ 2:58 PM
At some point years ago Kelly Osbourne had the bright idea to call Lady Gaga a butterface. Yes, we all see the irony. Lady Gaga’s carrot-brained junior scouts swore vengeance on Ozzy’s booze and food addled daughter and called her a fat cow and talked about burying her in the desert and other Internet anon pleasantries. In the latest lame shot across the bow, Lady Gaga had the nerve to show off a birthday cake she got for Kelly, but presented on the X-Factor to her mom in the U.K. while Kelly was in Los Angeles. Kelly tweeted a picture of the cake back to Gaga and told her to #EatMyShit. I guess she really wanted that fucking cake in person. Now the war is afoot once more. Lots of high strung mall employees will not survive.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex October 09, 2013 @ 3:59 PM
Not much has worked for Kelly Osbourne looks wise. But if there’s one solid fall back, it’s show your tits off like you really mean it. A scraggly looking dude with a giant shlong can’t really just let his mega junk hang out at an evening affair to keep people from noticing his face. A woman has a distinct advantage in this regard. Every single man left that event thinking, damn, Kelly Osbourne has some big yabbos. Not the fact that she looks like a Pez dispenser.
Photo Credit: Splash, WENN
By Lex September 09, 2013 @ 12:48 PM
The day you stop fighting the tide and start to go with the flow is the day you’re officially grown up. Kelly Osbourne has been hanging out with hot actresses and models her entire young adult life trying to fit in and all it’s got her are substance abuse, mysterious seizures, and whatever the fuck happened to her hair. Now Kelly’s got a smarter plan. Instead of being pictured alongside sexy fashion models that make you want to hand Kelly an old mop and tell her to clean out the dungeons, the Osbourne daughter has retained a fat naked scary painted woman to stand next to her in photographs. No more, ‘wow, what the fuck happened to Kelly Osbourne’ comments, now it’s only, ‘boy, I’d sure rather bump uglies with Kelly Osbourne than that scary heinous naked tub of good standing next to her.’ This is the right move for Kelly.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex May 30, 2013 @ 2:54 PM
Kelly Osbourne is really fucking happy. You’d be happy too if you just found out you lost 18% of your body fat thanks to Photoshop. They also made her look slightly less like an unsuccessful Berlin prostitute from the 1980′s. Then they painted on the real smiles.
Photo Credit: Cosmopolitan
By Lex May 29, 2013 @ 2:32 PM
If you’re a person who routinely Googles ‘ugly girl lame fights’ then you’re probably already know that Kelly Osbourne and Lady Gaga have been feuding the past year. I think it has something to do with whose face haunts the nightmares of more grade school children. The fugly girl fisticuffs simmered down recently, but, Kelly Osbourne takes a fresh shot at Lady Gaga in the new edition of Cosmo:
“I totally believed in everything she stood for, until I realized she’s a great big hypocrite.
You can say whatever you want with your millions of monsters. I know the truth. [Your] bells and whistles mean nothing to me. You’re feeding on the freaks and geeks to further your career?”
Tough talk for a girl who’s relied on her father’s fame, her drug addiction, and a medically unexplained seizure on-set to blaze her own trail. Expect Lady Gaga to respond to this latest bit of bitchery by producing a sharp-barbed lezzy song that sounds just like her last eleven.