By Matt November 14, 2014 @ 9:34 AM
Sharon Osbourne announced she and her shockingly still alive husband will be reprising The Osbournes for an eight episode run on MTV. They probably don’t need the money so this is more of a legacy project, like how Ted Bundy killed that extra hooker because he felt he owed it to people. Sharon says part of the reason for the reboot is Ozzy can’t remember the original series since he was drunk the whole time, which is code for sober and brain damaged. The show will mostly focus on Ozzy but should feature some drop ins from his kids who will be crying in their Uber after. The Osbournes originally garnered huge ratings on MTV. The new show will probably perform under that since the reality industry has evolved to find even more fucked up people with drug and alcohol problems to laugh at. If you thought the original was uncomfortable this should make you burn your Sabbath records and attend AA meetings even though you only drink on your birthday.
Photo Credit: MTV
By Matt November 11, 2014 @ 6:38 AM
Kelly Osbourne has her size lumpy panties in a twist because she had to talk about something other than her cunty clothing line on The Today Show. Osbourne was informed she would be questioned about Joan Rivers because a dead Joan Rivers is still more interesting a living Kelly Osbourne. The two became close while working on VH1′s Fashion Police, where they would often talk about the possibility of doing better shows over a lunch of 1960′s tampons preserved in powdered sugar. Today Show producers informed Osbourne that she would be questioned about Rivers, which Osbourne took offense to because people usually ask her about her talented friends or fucked up family members instead of her designer heroin needles:
“It’s something, to be honest with you, I really don’t like talking about… Please can we move on so I don’t cry?”
Osbourne proceeded with her segment then filed a complaint with AFTRA and Emma Watson’s new United Nations Woman Power Committee and awaited being made whole again. Kelly Osbourne has said perhaps five interesting things in the past ten years and four them occurred when she was clearly wasted. I’m not suggesting she get back into drugs and alcohol. Only if she wants to be semi-relevant again. Sober Osbournes have little to offer this world.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex July 10, 2014 @ 10:51 AM
When you tattoo the word ‘stories’ into your skull and start dating a dude with a beard it’s a sign that your fourth rehab probably isn’t holding. I guess there’s not much you can really do as parents and friends other than to tell Kelly to wear knickers for when she next falls down in the gutter outside a bar. Nobody ever had the decency to give Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan the same sagely advice. Kelly’s cute teen addictions are now about to turn thirty, the age at which face planting officially becomes passé. Unless you’re really attractive. So Kelly has three months to go.
Say, here’s a photo to keep around for when you have an inopportune boner:
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/Instagram
By Lex October 29, 2013 @ 2:58 PM
At some point years ago Kelly Osbourne had the bright idea to call Lady Gaga a butterface. Yes, we all see the irony. Lady Gaga’s carrot-brained junior scouts swore vengeance on Ozzy’s booze and food addled daughter and called her a fat cow and talked about burying her in the desert and other Internet anon pleasantries. In the latest lame shot across the bow, Lady Gaga had the nerve to show off a birthday cake she got for Kelly, but presented on the X-Factor to her mom in the U.K. while Kelly was in Los Angeles. Kelly tweeted a picture of the cake back to Gaga and told her to #EatMyShit. I guess she really wanted that fucking cake in person. Now the war is afoot once more. Lots of high strung mall employees will not survive.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex October 09, 2013 @ 3:59 PM
Not much has worked for Kelly Osbourne looks wise. But if there’s one solid fall back, it’s show your tits off like you really mean it. A scraggly looking dude with a giant shlong can’t really just let his mega junk hang out at an evening affair to keep people from noticing his face. A woman has a distinct advantage in this regard. Every single man left that event thinking, damn, Kelly Osbourne has some big yabbos. Not the fact that she looks like a Pez dispenser.
Photo Credit: Splash, WENN
By Lex September 09, 2013 @ 12:48 PM
The day you stop fighting the tide and start to go with the flow is the day you’re officially grown up. Kelly Osbourne has been hanging out with hot actresses and models her entire young adult life trying to fit in and all it’s got her are substance abuse, mysterious seizures, and whatever the fuck happened to her hair. Now Kelly’s got a smarter plan. Instead of being pictured alongside sexy fashion models that make you want to hand Kelly an old mop and tell her to clean out the dungeons, the Osbourne daughter has retained a fat naked scary painted woman to stand next to her in photographs. No more, ‘wow, what the fuck happened to Kelly Osbourne’ comments, now it’s only, ‘boy, I’d sure rather bump uglies with Kelly Osbourne than that scary heinous naked tub of good standing next to her.’ This is the right move for Kelly.
Photo Credit: Splash