Kelly Osbourne remains a mystery. A not particularly fetching woman without particular skills who seems to make numerous work place demands. Osbourne is threatening to leave Fashion Police if the racist air is not cleared regarding Giuliana Rancic’s not racist comment about Zendaya Coleman’s fake dreadlocks at the Oscars. You could ask why the zaftig hobnobber has inserted herself needlessly in the middle of this fake controversy, but then you’d be missing her entire reason for being. E! producers on break from praising their Demon Lord for the Kardashians and stupid people forced Rancic to issue a rote on-air apology to Zendaya for reading somebody else’s tired, but not-racist joke.
That amends rings nearly as hollow as Rancic herself. But it allows Osbourne to claim the mantle of race relations maven and helps teach our young people valuable lessons about pantomimed remorse and the value in being universally offended. I hope Joan Rivers is haunting these horrible people in their bedrooms at night. Preferably in naked ghost form.
Kelly Osbourne shot back at people on Twitter who saw her on the red carpet at the Grammys and assumed she is pregnant because she looks like a pregnant chick with the baby dad who will reveal himself and tell everybody how wasted he was. Osbourne cleared up she is not expecting anything but a shitload of backstage cold cuts, but not before reminding everyone she’s a disgusting pig:
“NO IM NOT PREGNANT YOU FUCKERS! I have a back brace on AND I REALLY NEED TO TAKE A SHIT! #SuckIt”
And that’s why you’ll never be loved. Along with your crappy attitude you possess the same qualities that make me refrain from fucking my upstairs chain smoking neighbor in the permanent nightgown. She’s down for it, but it’s something about the leg hair and farting. How many cats does Osbourne have? How the fuck did she get into the Grammys?
Sharon Osbourne announced she and her shockingly still alive husband will be reprising The Osbournes for an eight episode run on MTV. They probably don’t need the money so this is more of a legacy project, like how Ted Bundy killed that extra hooker because he felt he owed it to people. Sharon says part of the reason for the reboot is Ozzy can’t remember the original series since he was drunk the whole time, which is code for sober and brain damaged. The show will mostly focus on Ozzy but should feature some drop ins from his kids who will be crying in their Uber after. The Osbournes originally garnered huge ratings on MTV. The new show will probably perform under that since the reality industry has evolved to find even more fucked up people with drug and alcohol problems to laugh at. If you thought the original was uncomfortable this should make you burn your Sabbath records and attend AA meetings even though you only drink on your birthday.
Kelly Osbourne has her size lumpy panties in a twist because she had to talk about something other than her cunty clothing line on The Today Show. Osbourne was informed she would be questioned about Joan Rivers because a dead Joan Rivers is still more interesting a living Kelly Osbourne. The two became close while working on VH1′s Fashion Police, where they would often talk about the possibility of doing better shows over a lunch of 1960′s tampons preserved in powdered sugar. Today Show producers informed Osbourne that she would be questioned about Rivers, which Osbourne took offense to because people usually ask her about her talented friends or fucked up family members instead of her designer heroin needles:
“It’s something, to be honest with you, I really don’t like talking about… Please can we move on so I don’t cry?”
Osbourne proceeded with her segment then filed a complaint with AFTRA and Emma Watson’s new United Nations Woman Power Committee and awaited being made whole again. Kelly Osbourne has said perhaps five interesting things in the past ten years and four them occurred when she was clearly wasted. I’m not suggesting she get back into drugs and alcohol. Only if she wants to be semi-relevant again. Sober Osbournes have little to offer this world.
When you tattoo the word ‘stories’ into your skull and start dating a dude with a beard it’s a sign that your fourth rehab probably isn’t holding. I guess there’s not much you can really do as parents and friends other than to tell Kelly to wear knickers for when she next falls down in the gutter outside a bar. Nobody ever had the decency to give Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan the same sagely advice. Kelly’s cute teen addictions are now about to turn thirty, the age at which face planting officially becomes passé. Unless you’re really attractive. So Kelly has three months to go.
Say, here’s a photo to keep around for when you have an inopportune boner:
At some point years ago Kelly Osbourne had the bright idea to call Lady Gaga a butterface. Yes, we all see the irony. Lady Gaga’s carrot-brained junior scouts swore vengeance on Ozzy’s booze and food addled daughter and called her a fat cow and talked about burying her in the desert and other Internet anon pleasantries. In the latest lame shot across the bow, Lady Gaga had the nerve to show off a birthday cake she got for Kelly, but presented on the X-Factor to her mom in the U.K. while Kelly was in Los Angeles. Kelly tweeted a picture of the cake back to Gaga and told her to #EatMyShit. I guess she really wanted that fucking cake in person. Now the war is afoot once more. Lots of high strung mall employees will not survive.