Kendall Jenner is finally earning proper for the family. I don’t care if you’re selling Cutco knives or Amway or running Social Security, every pyramid scheme relies on the earners of today. Someday, those bastard kids the older Kardashian hens keep popping out will be working for Kendall in her crew. But, today, Kendall’s the one who had to cut short the fake family vacation in Greece to rush back to L.A. for this gig. And if you’ve ever seen an illiterate try to maneuver an international airport, you know she barely made it.
In case your moral compass has trouble with the swimsuit covered bottom of a seventeen year old model, head over to Egotastic where they’re showing off her front side. It’s okay. She wants you to.
If looking at (and harassing) a 17 year old on instagram is wrong then (I’ll do it more discreetly) I don’t want to be right. Kendall Jenner posted two more selfies on her page, basically practicing for the money shot scene in one of my most anticipated fictional sex tapes. My expectations are so outrageously huge for this thing; the only way it could even hope to meet them would be if it included a twist where everyone in the Kardashian tribe died at the end, except for Kendall of course. She would be standing over the bloody corpses of her family wearing nothing but the respect of her nation.
The Kardashian’s are never ones to rise above mediocrity or even to it, but they really knocked it out of the park with Kendall Jenner. Sure, she’s only 17, but she’s a product of her environment, so we can project how much of a fame whore she is going to become, and I mean that in the most complimentary of ways. I don’t know when this sex tape is going to come out, but rest assured it will, and I’ll be there at the front of the line when it does. Hell, I’d hand over my money now if I could.
Kendall Jenner never had a shot. No, not because she’s not too sharp or because she believed her mom who said she can speak to dogs and the beloved household pet wants Kendall to go into topless modeling. it was getting her mug plastered on camera at age twelve while her cackling older half-sisters discussed her first period, it was like an initiation ceremony into the House of Kardashian. A blood letting rite of turned-out passage supervised by mom. So, Kendall’s going to be a merch whore who gets knocked up by a rapper or athlete like her sisters. Which if she can waits until she turns 20, will be a statistically higher outcome than would have been predicted by her standardized test scores. Mother knows best.
Here’s Kendall riding a jet ski in a bikini in Greece while reality TV cameras roll. She’s still a few months shy of eighteen, when the big Saudi money ought to be rolling in.
Kendall Jenner was out late last night at a big gallery opening, pretty much like every other 17 year old girl who got pulled out of school in the sixth grade so she could start earning. Not that Kendall isn’t getting the most important kind of education amongst her family, learning valuable lessons such as always gets paid in advance, good girls go hungry, and don’t let him hit you in the face. And not that a formal education is for everyone. Kendall is just a teen and can already afford for somebody to remind her what comes after M in the alphabet and why if the world is round we don’t all fall off. When she wakes up one day to find out her mom has stolen all her money, she’s going to be totally fucked, but until that time, why waste time in school. It’s a drag.
If a dude shot this peekaboo bikini stalker video of Kendall Jenner, we’d convene a meeting of the HOA to figure out how to drive him out of town. But it’s far more sinister than that. It’s Kim Kardashian and Khloe Kardashian, like two cunning witch sisters eying their more attractive taller younger slender half-sister and realizing that she’s about to pown their cauldron. You don’t steal fame from a couple of wily fame whores without a smart plan, and smart plans aren’t Kendall’s thing. If you watch closely you can see Khloe sprinkling SENSA® over her baby half-sister in anticipation of The Consumption.