Gigi Hadid is the Hadid sister who doesn’t have celebrity lyme disease. She’s carrying zika. Maybe ebola. Something topical that’s absolutely not herpes from the not-gay one in One Direction. Her underboobs look exactly like the underboobs of her sister two days ago. You wouldn’t even know which one of them is dying. Which one is it again? There was never going to be enough to send both girls to rehab. This just makes it easier.
It’s no secret that Kendall Jenner likes to wear super tight pants. If you do that long enough, eventually you are going to flash some camel toe. Especially if your vulva is swollen from all the rain we’ve been having. And black men. And more rain.
In 2014, Kris Jenner launched her daytime talk show for the morbidly obese waiting for their class action settlement checks. Jenner immediately suffered from having absolutely nothing to talk about beyond her pumpkin head family. Khloe Kardashian’s talk show Kocktails With Khloe just kicked off on the fyi network which may or may not be a real thing. The show features Khloe surrounded by obviously fatter more useless women to relatively mask her own unpleasant human form. Like her fetid Brentwood whore mom, Khloe has zippo to offer the world save for tittering inside mentions of her famous family.
Producers invited Kendall Jenner on the show to flash her braless tits and to prank phone call Kim Kardashian with news that Kendall was young and pregnant out of wedlock. What type of freak out are you expecting to elicit from your thrice married and multiple times knocked up with a bastard baby sister by telling her you’re pregnant? Also, she’s medicated. And stupid. And slow. Fake knee slap all you want, fat talk show cut ups, the fyi network and the guy who runs three gas stations in Nebraska who owns it have standards. Tease the big Kanye appearance so we can start counting down the final days already. Nobody watches this channel but a zero will still get you noticed. Pound another martini while sucking in your gut. Daytime drinking is the only believable element of your show.
It’s difficult to say who is more of a useless sack of shit, Farrah Abraham or the entire Kardashian/Jenner clan. As Kendall Jenner and Farrah Abraham trade barbs I can’t pick who to root for. It’s reminds me of this time I saw two crack whores having a bottle fight in an alley in NYC.
Though, to be fair, the Ray J joke is pretty solid. (TMZ)
Justin Bieber has tagged both of these women. It’s two in an impressive list that will ultimately be in his first set of memories, Just How Many Celebrity Models Can a Rich Midget Fuck? The name is meant to be rhetorical. The answer is thirty-seven. It’s horrible when assholes can point to scoreboard whenever you call them assholes. It’s their Allspark. Throw up your hands. Famous people don’t die of The AIDS anymore. Start a Change.org petition to get him to take in some vetted Syrian refugees and wait for it to play out. He won’t be so cocky without his head.
There’s not a single Kardashian family member who hasn’t been hospitalized in the past two years, if you include Khloe Kardashian rubbing her cunny on staph infection while spoon feeding Lamar. Kris Jenner went in for ‘undisclosed internal pain’, Kylie Jenner was admitted for ‘injuries from trampoline’ accident, Kim and Kourtney both to birth various out of wedlock babies, Bruce Jenner to get tits and a softer man-lady face, Rob Kardashian was rushed to the hospital with diabetic shock and Kendall Jenner announced she was secretly hospitalized this year for ‘exhaustion’. Funny thing about secrets… never mind.
This fucking family is why Obamacare is costing between eleven cents and two trillion dollars more than expected. Either this family is basking in the public relations glory of soap opera sympathy or God is enacting revenge with early onset organ failures. Could be both. Khloe spilled ketchup on this hospital gown and it looks like a Banksy drawing. For sale now on the website. Ten percent of sales go toward buying Bruce a real vagina. Do I care how I’ll look at sixty? None of us are living to see forty.