Kendall Jenner Deep Thoughts

By Lex January 19, 2015 @ 12:36 PM

Kendall Jenner Bares Midriff While Shopping In Beverly Hills
Sometimes you think to yourself, not every institution in this befouled whorehouse of a world is cynical or corrupt. But that’s just rhetoric to keep you from careening over and off the bridge into murky nothingness. The Wall Street Journal asked six ‘luminaries’ to comment on the topic of youth. Naturally, they selected Kendall Jenner, because while flaccid of mind, she’s far more attractive than Stephen Hawking. I get it Hawking, the universe is going to implode. Boring. Now twitch to the right so we can see the tits on the brunette model contemplating why God didn’t make it so you pee out your ass.

Somebody wrote some shit for Kendall that sounded like what somebody hired to write shit for Kendall would write if trying to sound like her. Only with spellcheck. I should probably find that same person to cover me.

I saw my sisters and parents working every day, so I was pretty much brought up to be a workaholic.

Working girls will grind their orifices on shit for sixteen hour days. I’d like to see you run your belt sander the same duration without burnout. Kendall feels perhaps she grew up too fast, which may be related to her mom securing a Laparoscopic camera on her first tampon so the world could share in her entry into womanhood. Now, she’s in the Wall Street Journal. You’ve come a long way, baby. I can’t say the same for the Journal. It should probably have something shoved up its twat as well.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/FameFlynet

Kendall Jenner Could Use Some Ass

By Lex January 13, 2015 @ 10:14 AM

Kendall Jenner Booty In Tights While Working Out
Kendall Jenner’s new girlfriend sent her to the gym to work on her kegels. You’re not going to be certified lesbian until you can force your butch to politely ask for her fingers back. I read that in a picture book about lesbians, written by men. I suppose this one deserves a little credit for not visiting Dr. Moreau to have Guyanese mutton fat shot sub-gluteal. On the other hand, it’s hard to be skinny and have a plump ass without offending nature. I can’t imagine the inner turmoil of this young woman. Cover your face, darling. I know you’re trying to think.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Cara Delevingne Snatches Up Kendall Jenner

By Lex January 12, 2015 @ 10:49 AM

Kendall Jenner & Cara Delevingne Go Hiking At Runyon Canyon Park
Who hasn’t this British socialite model chick girl banged yet in Hollywood? That’s not a criticism, that’s a cry of jealousy across genders and vaginas. She finds troubled young female celebrities and before they can cry about their dads becoming moppas, she has her fur in their face finishing them like a DIY bird’s nest with a fine sand paper. She’s good. She’s very good. She’s moving in with Kendall Jenner after spending the holidays grinding the Bieber completely out of Selena Gomez. If she ripped off a fine latex mask and David Spade appeared, I’d just nod my head knowingly.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Photo credit: FameFlynet

Selena Gomez Flashes Ankle, Gets Beheaded

By Lex January 02, 2015 @ 12:39 PM

Selena Gomez Flashes Her Ankle In The Grand Mosque in Abu Dhabi
Here’s a near constant. Idiot celebrities visit the Grand Mosque in Abu Dhabi, reflexively do something Western selfie, and then everybody Muslim freaks the fuck out. Selena Gomez removed her mosque ankle offense photo from Instagram after people who likes to fuck women through woolen bed sheets called her an insensitive whore.

I’m forced to blame everybody in this situation. If you don’t want pop music stars posing in your Mosque, stop having the Dubai tourist board book them around town for Jihadi Island special guest appearances. Culturally insensitive tourists traveling to Muslim lands, understand that these Luddites take their shit pretty seriously about women being disgusting rape monkeys too unclean for men to lay eye’s upon. It’s just their thing. Nobody gives a shit about your Pilates and colonics perfected body. Dress like a twelfth century war widow or stay home. A well-timed drone strike could’ve eliminated the need for this teachable moment.

Photo Credit: Instagram/Dailymail

Kendall Jenner New Year’s Pay Day in Dubai

By Lex December 31, 2014 @ 10:06 AM

Happy New Year Kendall Jenner In a Bikini LB
Each New Year’s Western celebrities are recruited to perform at private parties for wealthy princes and sheiks in the Middle East. You may recall female pop stars such as Beyonce, Mariah Carey, and Usher putting on shows for the Gaddafi family in Libya at the stroke of midnight. It’s like a winter migration of the whores. If you’re a Kardashian and you have no known entertainer talents, you find other ways to please Muslim Jed Clampett. That’s not meant to imply sexual favors. Implications are for the uncertain.

Kendall Jenner posted an Instagram photo of herself in a bikini in the kingdom of Dubai. She captioned the photo, “Dubyeeee!” which is either hip slang for Dubai, or how Kendall believes you spell Dubai. And I’m pretty sure there is no hip slang for Dubai. Being dumb probably helps in what’s about to go down for a cool million dollars. Read what momma wrote on your palm. Get the check, clear the routing numbers, and don’t ever let them see you cry, they’ll just spank harder. The copter arrives at 10am, sweetheart.

Photo Credit: Instagram

The Kardashian Kristmas Party

By Lex December 26, 2014 @ 8:45 AM

The Kardashian Kristmas
Things most commonly heard at a Kardashian Christmas Party. You slut. Followed by, I know, followed by, I’m so jealous, and finally, let’s finger each other’s buttholes then go kill mother. They giggle at the last remark because they know without a priest descended directly from St. Paul they are helpless to do the latter. A jaunty game of Scrabble inevitably ends in a scoreless tie proceeds the eggnog fight on the designer dresses which caps off the night. As the girls lay drugged in their woven basket beds on the kitchen floor, Santa approves a Paypal charge and gets twenty minutes to empty himself on the large one. Somewhere, Baby Jesus weeps, but nobody notices.

Photo Credit: Instagram