By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 9:08 AM
Only mostly everybody at Chris Brown’s Kick’N’ It for Charity Celebrity Kickball game in Glendale had rap sheets. Chris, DJ Khaled, The Game, and a few other charitable fellows famous for drugs and beating women showed up for a cause nobody could actually name. Paris Hilton’s jail house record got her into the match where she showed that one lazy eye and nonchalance is all it takes to not be able to kick a slow moving rubber ball. The Jenner girls showed looking for future abusive boyfriends. Their teen friend Pia Mia Perez arrived off the plane Kanye flies her around in international air space so he can sodomize her without fear or legal reprisal. After the final run was scored the U.S. Attorney showed up with a court order preventing that same group of convicts from being within five hundred feet of one another. It’s really hard to think of anything more Americana than this Amish barn raising.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex July 15, 2014 @ 11:31 AM
I bet Kendall Jenner laughs and laughs at the guidance counselor who analyzed her future career survey and found her best suited for work in the escort industry. Not just because he was pretty accurate, but because she giggles a lot when she recalls her one year of high school. But who’s laughing now that Kendall landed herself the cover of Love magazine. Former cover girls for this magazine read like a Who’s Who of famous fashion models and well known drug addicts. It’s the brass ring every girl reaches for after their molestation injuries heal. And there’s Kendall on the cover in her underwear looking wet and powerful. I wonder if Kendall still believes her mom when she says these deals are unpaid.
Photo Credit: Kendall Jenner/Instagram
By Lex July 01, 2014 @ 2:17 PM
Kendall Jenner needs college like she needed high school. Just a pinch. College is for the less cash sophisticated girls who let themselves be raped for free in the dorms. Did their mother’s teach them nothing? Kendall Jenner is a noted dystopian science fiction author, fashion model, and most searched single girl looking to date a married man in your neighborhood on AshleyMadison in the Emirates. So while Kendall’s eighteen year old peers are grabbing knock off Yaffa blocks at Ikea, Kendall’s getting paid to have her ass filmed in a bikini in The Hamptons. Go study your French Lit and Anthropology, other girls. Kendall’s going to need more nameless somebodies to yell at for screwing up her Starbucks drink order.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Lex June 18, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
I’m not sure if Kendall Jenner has any plans for after high school, I mean, for after watching her friends graduate high school, but she could do worse than a $1 million indecent proposal from adult webcam purveyors Jasmin.com. In fact, she’s probably doing worse at this very moment, that horny little latchkey minx.
We’d like you [Kendall Jenner] to review a compensation package of over $1,000,000 for a 90 days partnership, spending only one hour per day streaming live on our website from the comfort of your own home. – Jerry Jardene, Marketing Director, Jasmin.com
That comfort of your own home part sounds nice. I’d do just about anything from the comfort of my own home. Will I shave your feral monkey? Um, maybe. Do I have to leave my house? I could see this offer as a swift reject were it not for the Kardashian Occam’s Razor which states that among the competing possibilities, the outcome where a Kardashian gets paid is assumed to be true. According to Jasmin.com, Kendall Jenner’s final cut of the webcam revenue could be in excess of $5 million at the end of just three months. Getting paid for sex is like a Kardashian bat mitzvah. Today, you are real woman, Kendall. Mazel tov.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Lex June 16, 2014 @ 10:35 AM
Given that they have no connection to Canada or the music world, it made sense that teen author sensations Kendall Jenner and Kylie Jenner would come without underwear to host the 2014 Much Music Video Awards in Toronto. Much Music is the crappy version of MTV in Canada, except they still show music videos instead of high schoolers dying from drugs and ectopic pregnancies. The girls were lauded for their improved ability to read the cue cards and for showing off enough teenage skin to send a principal to jail if his nosy secretary found it on his computer. When you arrive at the intersection of insipid pop culture and commercialized sexuality, you are certain to find a Kardashian in a short skirt insisting that you’re obliged to tell them if you’re a cop or not.
Photo Credit: Getty, Pacific Coast News
By Lex June 13, 2014 @ 6:00 PM
Kris Jenner runs her bitches like a level five master pimp. Say what you want about the conniving succubus, she gives the audience what they want. For some of her kids, that’s sex scandal. For others, it’s designer socks and fat boy tears. And for her master project, the mannequin that is Kendall Jenner, it’s titties. Not that Kendall’s yabbos measure up to some of the lipid absorbing members of the family. She did get Jenner titties. I don’t mean the ones Bruce is currently installing, I mean, genetically speaking.
She has like, the perfect body, especially one that wants to be in the modeling business. I don’t know, I got a lot of curves and I couldn’t pull that off. But she always looks remarkable — Kris Jenner on HuffPost Live
That’s the emblematic Kris Jenner quote. It self-references her own obviously hot body and also talks about her daughter like a pillar of shawarma at a Cairo bazaar. It’s almost quilted pillow worthy.
Playboy magazine has been sniffing around Kendall for a potential centerfold spread, as well as a number of sheiks from the United Arab Emirates for whom finishing on a Kardashian earns you a thousand generations of genuflecting from your rival clan. I think it’s fair to say that Kendall has a price. And that price is mom not having to bring out the metal wire hangers because you thought ‘no’ was an option.