Kendall Jenner Denies Being a Cold Texter

By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 12:25 PM

Kendall Jenner In A see Through Top With Kylie Jenner Promoting Their DuJour Magazine Shoot In New York
In a growing scandal nobody really gives a fuck about, they just need an excuse to show half naked teen girls (myself included), Kendall Jenner denies that she and her working girl sisters were texting during the VMA minute of silence for kids throwing Molotov cocktails at cops in Ferguson:

I just specifically remember not texting and bowing my head down for the moment of silence and that’s all I have to say about that.

Whoa, thanks Obama for giving us a quote in between your national security briefings. I actually believe that these moronic vag-bots text and Tweet so much of their every waking hour that they probably do remember the few brief moments when they’re not typing LOLZ what a bicchh! into their phones. Also a Kardashian is going to remember the one time in her life when she bows her head and a cock doesn’t slide into their mouth. I find these lovely young ladies innocent of disrespect! Now, onto the For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge counts.

Photo Credit: Getty, INFphoto.com, Pacific Coast News

Kendall Jenner Drops Her Last Name

By Lex August 28, 2014 @ 10:09 AM

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It was always kind of a bitch for her to spell in autographs, now Kendall Jenner has officially dropped her last name from her professional modeling whatever the fuck that is. She’s simply going to be called Kendall in rapey photography circles from now on. Kendall has recently been bitching about how everybody thinks her current career success came from her famous family name because she lacks irony, as well as a hymen and a basic education. You can imagine Kendall might not be getting the respect she deserves among the fashion modeling sisterhood, a notoriously pre-menstrual assemblage of the world’s most catty bitches. By dropping her last name, her peers are certain to forget how she got into New York Fashion Week without having to blow guys named Pasquale from the age of eleven. She did blow those same guys, but she had the choice. That’ll mark her forever as an outsider.

Kardashians Don’t Do Well With Silence

By Lex August 27, 2014 @ 3:11 PM

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Some trumped out outrage is going around the Internet because the Kardashian whorelings were using their cellphones when Common asked for a moment of silence for Ferguson during the VMAs because as a black celebrity, he simply had no choice. While it’s easy to focus on a picture of the back-brothel skank disrespecting a moment of silence, perhaps one could remember that the Kardashians donate almost ten percent of a their Ebay discarded clothing sales to a charity nobody has ever vetted. Khloe and Lamar spent several years raising money for a stomach cancer charity that helped pay Lamar’s friend to build a basketball court. The matriarch of the family was having interracial sex outside her marriage before that was even considered cool. You tell me who has done more for the black man — Common or The Kardashians? If the answer comes from the voluminous subset of those who’ve been blown by a Kardashian, I can give you your answer.

For the record, moments of silences can be called for by anybody. It doesn’t make them sacrosanct. Kylie should’ve called for a moment of silence so she could text Jaden Smith and asks him if he knows what the fuck a Ferguson is.

Photo credit: Tabir Akhter / Twitter

Chris Brown Surely Loves Charity Sports Events

By Lex August 18, 2014 @ 2:09 PM

Chris Brown vs Quincy In A Celebrity Flag Football Game In Eagle Rock
Last month it was a Chris Brown celebrity kickball game with all the felonious minions and Kardashians he could gather up. Now, flag football against Puff Daddy’s son. Chris Brown is either building his curriculum vitae for a middle school P.E. teacher vacancy or he’s fulfilling the community service portion of his probation in the most Chris Brown way possible.

These events certainly make it simpler for the local weed and small arms dealers to get to their customers all in one place. And for the twenty or so people who came to watch the game and help raise money for a charity that will never share the accounting, it was a spectacular day all around. Chris Brown just has one ice water bucket challenge and celebrity skeet shooting event in his backyard and his slate is clean in the eyes of the law. He’s like a reverse Hurricane Carter.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News, Splash

Kendall Jenner Damage Control by Way of Lobster

By Matt August 18, 2014 @ 6:32 AM

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Kendall Jenner let it be widely known that she both paid her tab and tipped generously at a restaurant where she and her buddy racked up a $550 dinner bill. She threw down another $150 as a generous tip because, you know, Kendall Jenner’s middle name is generous. Which means everybody who had ‘whore’ in the middle name pool is out some coin.

Jenner’s clarion call to the world that she pays her restaurant tabs and tips like a rapper come a week after Jenner and Hailey Baldwin were accused of neglecting their N.Y.C. restaurant check  and then throwing cash in the street at the waitress who chased after them. An innocent person might normally apologize for any misunderstanding and maybe Tweet out the name of the restaurant and say how awesome the squid ink pasta was. A guilty person might overcompensate by immediately heading out to dinner again with the same friend, paying a large tab, leaving a noteworthy tip, and then having their publicist leak this information to media outlets that exchange journalistic integrity for celebrity access. The rest of her family seems to understand these overt acts admit guilt, which is why you don’t see Kris Jenner showing up to Fred Goldman’s house with a tray of fruit danish offering to help fix the rain gutters.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Kendall Jenner Calls Waitress a Lying Loser Who Has No Range Rover

By Matt August 14, 2014 @ 10:42 AM

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Kendall Jenner retained celebrity reputation defender nonpareil Marty Singer to  threaten to sue a New York City waitress who claims Jenner walked out on a bill. Jenner insists she merely forgot to pay the bill and left the restaurant by accident, which is coincidentally previsely what you say when you get caught trying to not pay for shit. The waitress tweeted her version of the events:

“That horrible moment you chase a kardashian down the street because she forgot to pay her bill to be thrown money in your face.”

I remember I once forgot to pay my rent for six months. Boy, that can be embarrassing.  Jenner had her unnecessarily dramatic lawyer address the issue in which he mocked the waitress for being of the lowly class of people who need to work to support themselves:

“Although you are working as a waitress at Mercer Kitchen, I understand you are also a struggling actress… You no doubt concocted a fictionalized account of your encounter with my client in order to create publicity for yourself.”

The waitress was at one time on some stupid reality show like most waitresses in New York or Los Angeles so she may have been seeking publicity or what was rightfully owed to her and her business, however you want to frame it. I know a lot of dead convenience store workers who succeeded in making the newspapers. Still, even high school dropouts who stage their daily existence for the television cameras have the right to defend their honor by threatening and belittling their accusers. I’m sure her legal team is currently digging into the waitresses sexual history and credit records to prove just how much of an honest mistake Kendall Jenner made.

Photo Credit: Instagram