When you’ve previously made your bones by allowing an eighty year old man to shart pebbles into your gaping maw, your own Jiminy Cricket barometer might be a bit wonky. Eating antelope penis on a reality show ought to send off some alarms. It’s easy to write off the Kardashians doing all sorts of insidious shit for tens of millions of dollars. Kendra Wilkinson is chomping on bushback cock like a sideshow geek for a few clams. If she’s trying to bring herself closer to understanding her husband’s own predilections, she’s going about it all wrong. Antelope cock tastes nothing like tranny cock, though both do have a similar gamey aftertaste. I’m told.
Like most new moms with a husband who digs cock and reality shows that cause her to often forget what she’s been told to stay to the press, Kendra Wilkinson and her boobs are headed into the jungle of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here on British TV. The show brings together D-list celebrities, has-beens, and drinking buddies of producers and puts them in a contrived jungle setting. They are beset with plumbing issues and insects until they cry, even though most of them currently live in far worse conditions due to not having worked in years. The outback journey should give Kendra time to reflect on her life, and give her kids time to be raised by a nanny who doesn’t have a sex tape, didn’t sleep with an octogenarian to get her gig, and doesn’t have a husband who slips out at night to stroke women’s dicks. Everybody wins on reality TV.
After consulting with script supervisors for her reality show, Kendra Wilkinson has decided to give her cheating husband a second chance. When last we checked in with Kendra, she was tossing her wedding ring in the crapper after learning her husband was stroking tranny cock while she was just days from delivering their second child. After hearing secretly recorded audio tapes from Hanks tits and cock versatile hooker, Kendra now feels Hank was set up. What’s a grown man to do when your second kid’s crowning and a shiny new cock is available just seven exits down the 101? Kendra went so far as to defend her husband:
He was never a douchebag. He’s always been the most perfect man on Earth. Now he’s Superman without the cape.
If your wife calls you Superman after you’ve been unemployed for four years and cheated on her with another dude while she was pregnant, you ought consider sticking with her. That’s not to say there won’t be conditions for Hank’s return to the family fold. He’ll have to wear the knapsack of shame and carry the forgiveness shovel when out in pubic. Also, Hank can’t make fun of Kendra for wearing ponytails and playing in a woman’s soft ball league or any hint of reference to her being a lesbian, a former trailer park stripper, or her sex tapes. Let he or she who is super without cape cast the first stone.
Kendra Wilkinson is taking her tranny cock stroking husband back. The marital reconciliation can’t happen immediately as it’s been laid out for a slow reveal on Season whatever of Kendra’s reality show for a female audience who hate themselves more than they know. During the course of the season, you’ll see Kendra’s heartbreak in learning her husband is experimenting with cock in panties, which on the positive side will at least make her forget for a while how he hasn’t worked in four years. Kendra receives sagely advice from many corners, including her former sugar daddy Hugh Hefner who urges her to reconcile, but if not, to divorce Hank and have him murdered and buried deep at sea before the kids are old enough to remember him.
While the cheating scandal rests on Hank, Kendra will agree to accommodate his needs by dressing more like a lesbian boxer and ordering him to hold her purse more assertively. While this might keep Hank around for a bit, us more pragmatic follks know that a dude who loves dick is hardly going to make the most faithful spouse. It’s like a dog who’s tasted blood, they’re never going to be satisfied with Alpo. You either need to release them into the wild or put them down. I’m guessing all the family life insurance is resting on Kendra’s head, so probably just cost effective to give Hank a couple hundred bucks and release him in downtown Hollywood to find a new pack.
Kendra Wilkinson has a new reality show coming on one of the seventeen ladies channels I’ve previously deleted from my remote channel lineup lest I accidentally grow tits and a fondness for grapefruit. The show’s called Kendra On Top, which I suppose is a multi-layered play on words related to the fact that’s how she made her way up in the business, or that she’s the dominant figure in her social sphere, or maybe it just randomly tested well with the 22-49 female demo that got free cheese sandwiches to sit for an hour in a marketing agency testing room. Fortunately for the show, Kendra’s husband got conjugal outed by a tranny hooker while his wife was eight months pregnant. Suddenly, the show has a real hook.
In the previews for the show, Kendra equates learning of her husband’s jock-on-cock infidelities to being shot by a bullet, repeatedly, right in her fake tits. It’s certainly evocative. She mentions that her marriage is down the drain and that she even flushed her wedding rings down the toilet to emphasize the metaphor. The last time a trailer park stripper who had to bone a creepy old man to get her first break in life flushed jewelry down a toilet was never. But I appreciate the dramatic scripting.
It’s hard to blame Kendra for any of this mess. If you’re a dude who can’t stop thinking about greasing up the male boner, you ought sneak that nugget out to your wife before you make two babies inside of her. She still might let you, but at least she’ll be able to time her reality show tears more precisely.
Even assholes who find joy in fucking with women know better than to mess with strippers. These girls were forming their protective coatings of emotional scars and never-agains back before they ever hit the pole. Like the Unsullied, strippers were perfected by life circumstance to be battle ready. When Hank Baskett decided he needed some she-shlong because his wife was ignoring him, you know, with her pregnancy and newborn and all, he opened up a monster world of hurt. Kendra Wilkinson has now officially removed her wedding ring. For Hank Baskett who hasn’t had much of a job since his short-lived NFL career ended five years ago, I’d be nervous. Being 31, broke, and addicted to she-male cock is a dark place to be. I’m totally guessing.