afternoon headlines

By brendon March 17, 2010 @ 4:17 PM

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KENDRA - is gonna kill me because I was supposed to mention her St. Patricks Day contest sooner than this. So everyone go do this thing for Kendra. I guarantee (*) the winner gets to have sex with her. (*- these statements are not guaranteed)

GARY DOURDAN - used the things he learned on ‘CSI’ to have his girlfriend arrested after she assaulted him. If I were the cop I’d have a hard time taking this seriously. I’d bring him a cup of cocoa, and say, “aww honey, wha’ happened?” (ew)

AMY POEHLER AND WILL ARNETT – are having another child. This is one of the few couples who should have kids, because those two are both awesome. So they have my blessing. Hopefully this catches on because I’d really like to be put in charge of who lives and who dies. (us)

KIRSTIE ALLEY - went clomp clomp clomp and waddled over to Letterman yesterday to promote her new reality show about her diet and transformation from a fat tub of shit to a fat tub of shit dressed in clothes made for humans. (inf daily)

kendra is dead to me

By brendon March 12, 2010 @ 6:10 PM

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Hank Baskett is having a bad few months. As a special teams player for the Colts, he had an onside kick bounce off his face in the Superbowl against the Saints. The Saints went on to score and win. Then his contract expired and the Colts didn’t try to resign him. And now there’s this…

Kendra Baskett is mulling a breast reduction. They “went from a 34C to an E,” during her pregnancy, she told Us. “Now that they’re going down, they’re a little bigger than I want.”
“I feel like I’m a little top heavy,” Kendra, 24, said.
Hank tried to be diplomatic. “You know I support her [but] I’m definitely going to miss them, you know.”

F*ck diplomatic. That’s bullsh*t. This should be grounds for divorce, and Hank should get everything. Why do women think they can get married and then immediately un-do everything that made them appealing in the first place. If a girl married a doctor and then one year later he quit and got a paper route, she’d be pissed, right? 34C isn’t even that big. Does she want to be flat? Why not just get completely internal genitalia. Hank might as well have married a dolphin.

ok! magazine is deceptive

By brendon February 10, 2010 @ 5:38 PM

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Kendra Wilkinson is having a rough week. On Sunday her husband had on on-sides kick bounce off his face in the SuperBowl, and now people are noticing how suspiciously good she looks on the cover of OK! magazine, considering she gained 55 pounds for a pregnancy that ended 8 weeks ago with a c-section.

That mutant baby is already a third her size, and that monster was inside of her until they cut her open and pulled it out. He’s the size of her entire torso, it would be like pulling a turkey out of a sock, she should have died, but according to OK it didn’t even leave any scars. They did this same thing with Kourtney Kardashian two weeks ago. Now I don’t know what to think. What about the Bachelor? Did he find love? Will Jens slim secrets be revealed? This is madness! I don’t even know what’s real anymore!

morning headlines

By brendon September 16, 2009 @ 1:12 PM

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JASMINE FIORE – model mayhem is terrific, but it might be time to take Jasmines profile down. Especially since her last post said “please shoot me”. I wasn’t even looking for this and found it, despite only browsing around for 10 minutes. Well, under an hour at least. 1 hour. Maybe 2. Less than 5. A little over 5. God I’m So Lonely! (modelmayhem)

DERTY
– I don’t get much new music around here, but Derty is pretty GD cool. At least from the safety of the internet. In real life I would probably hide in the outhouse like those little girls in ‘Schindlers List’ if I saw him and his friends coming toward me. I’m sensible! (youtube)

KENDRA WILKINSON
– her husband Hank Baskett, who is a wide receiver for Philadelphia, was cut from the 53-man roster to make room for Mike Vick. So forget about shots of Kendra in a slutty Eagles jersey during the game and in tabloids. It would seem head coach Andy Reid has a lot to learn about modern football. (foxsports)

PATRICK SWAYZE
– these are reportedly the last pictures ever taken of him, in Beverly Hills on 8.25.09. He was understandably camera shy as the cancer took over. In a sense, I’m the same way. I don’t post many pictures of myself because I don’t want to be known as just a pretty face.  (hq jump here.  source = flynet)

Enough already

By brendon July 24, 2009 @ 1:09 PM

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Okay I’m not doing this anymore after this but someone sent me and K-Dub another dating question. We told each other we’d answer it. I don’t know why anyone thought this would be a good idea. I rarely have any idea WTF I’m talking about in case you hadn’t noticed. They want to know how long to wait until you introduce your boyfriend/girlfriend to your friends and parents. I would say that friends are no big deal.  That can happen from the first or second date as far as I’m concerned, because I’m a popular entertainer beloved by all.  Family, on the other hand, can be a problem.  Because if I’ve dated the girl for more than a few months, I’ve almost definitely spun some intricate web of lies that I now must either admit to (no) or dance around all night (yes).

To do that you’re gonna have to be prepared for drastic action.  If the wrong topic comes up, you’re gonna have to change the subject fast.  A good idea is to either start a fire or fake your own death.  Go with fire because with death you have to flail around and stuff.  For fire, all you have to do is order a double vodka straight up and keep it near the candle.  Just be careful when you “accidentally” spill the vodka and then tip the flame into it, because you’re supposed to start a fire OR flail around, not one then the other.

Kendra gives good advice

By brendon July 22, 2009 @ 12:35 PM

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I guess this page is now some TeenBeat Hotline where I give dating advice, because Kendra had another dating question on her site, and God knows why she even knows who I am but this time she sent me her reply to see if we agreed. And it turns out we sure as hell do.  She says the worst possible first date is a movie, because you sit there for two hours and you can’t even talk.  She says that’s boring and she’s 100 percent right.

If you have a date with a super hot girl, I think a good idea would be to go to a really nice restaurant and then after you place your order, pull a ventriloquist dummy out from under the table.  One of those creepy ones in a tuxedo, named Mr. Peepers or something like that.  Then have it tell your date how sexy she is.  Then have it say something really suggestive about her and get into a really loud fight with it.

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