morning headlines

By brendon September 16, 2009 @ 1:12 PM

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JASMINE FIORE – model mayhem is terrific, but it might be time to take Jasmines profile down. Especially since her last post said “please shoot me”. I wasn’t even looking for this and found it, despite only browsing around for 10 minutes. Well, under an hour at least. 1 hour. Maybe 2. Less than 5. A little over 5. God I’m So Lonely! (modelmayhem)

DERTY
– I don’t get much new music around here, but Derty is pretty GD cool. At least from the safety of the internet. In real life I would probably hide in the outhouse like those little girls in ‘Schindlers List’ if I saw him and his friends coming toward me. I’m sensible! (youtube)

KENDRA WILKINSON
– her husband Hank Baskett, who is a wide receiver for Philadelphia, was cut from the 53-man roster to make room for Mike Vick. So forget about shots of Kendra in a slutty Eagles jersey during the game and in tabloids. It would seem head coach Andy Reid has a lot to learn about modern football. (foxsports)

PATRICK SWAYZE
– these are reportedly the last pictures ever taken of him, in Beverly Hills on 8.25.09. He was understandably camera shy as the cancer took over. In a sense, I’m the same way. I don’t post many pictures of myself because I don’t want to be known as just a pretty face.  (hq jump here.  source = flynet)

Enough already

By brendon July 24, 2009 @ 1:09 PM

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Okay I’m not doing this anymore after this but someone sent me and K-Dub another dating question. We told each other we’d answer it. I don’t know why anyone thought this would be a good idea. I rarely have any idea WTF I’m talking about in case you hadn’t noticed. They want to know how long to wait until you introduce your boyfriend/girlfriend to your friends and parents. I would say that friends are no big deal.  That can happen from the first or second date as far as I’m concerned, because I’m a popular entertainer beloved by all.  Family, on the other hand, can be a problem.  Because if I’ve dated the girl for more than a few months, I’ve almost definitely spun some intricate web of lies that I now must either admit to (no) or dance around all night (yes).

To do that you’re gonna have to be prepared for drastic action.  If the wrong topic comes up, you’re gonna have to change the subject fast.  A good idea is to either start a fire or fake your own death.  Go with fire because with death you have to flail around and stuff.  For fire, all you have to do is order a double vodka straight up and keep it near the candle.  Just be careful when you “accidentally” spill the vodka and then tip the flame into it, because you’re supposed to start a fire OR flail around, not one then the other.

Kendra gives good advice

By brendon July 22, 2009 @ 12:35 PM

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I guess this page is now some TeenBeat Hotline where I give dating advice, because Kendra had another dating question on her site, and God knows why she even knows who I am but this time she sent me her reply to see if we agreed. And it turns out we sure as hell do.  She says the worst possible first date is a movie, because you sit there for two hours and you can’t even talk.  She says that’s boring and she’s 100 percent right.

If you have a date with a super hot girl, I think a good idea would be to go to a really nice restaurant and then after you place your order, pull a ventriloquist dummy out from under the table.  One of those creepy ones in a tuxedo, named Mr. Peepers or something like that.  Then have it tell your date how sexy she is.  Then have it say something really suggestive about her and get into a really loud fight with it.

Read more >

Kendra is hot, mistaken

By brendon July 15, 2009 @ 1:10 PM

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Last week Kendra was on here because of her kick ass taste of golf outfits, and a few hours later she posted about that on her page. She said I was devastatingly handsome and the thought of me gets her all hot. That was the gist of it. I think. To be honest I didn’t read the whole thing.

Point being, today she answers an email question, “how long should you wait until you have sex?”

Then, presumably because of some computer error, she accidentally writes, “if it takes 5, 10 or even 15 dates, then that is absolutely ok too!”

Obviously that answer is insane. The last girl I was involved with made me wait until the fifth date until she would have sex with me.  Which was extremely frustrating.  Because she was a prostitute.  And then at the end of our sixth date she told me just wanted to be friends.

I learned a valuable lesson.  Women are all nuts of course, but everyone already knows.  No the lesson here was that it should never take more than three dates to have sex.  Three.  That’s the answer.  Anything more is a bad sign.  Actually it’s not a sign, it’s a light.  A green light.  It means get the hell out of there.

Look, we’re not 14 and getting to know the pleasures of life.  When a man and a women are attracted to each other, they have sex.  Period.  I don’t care what you’re insane reason is for not having sex.  I’m not a social worker, I’m not here to help, and whatever it is, I’m 100 percent positive it’s only the tip of your insane iceberg.  It’s not like the penis has a bunch of sharp edges to it.  Sex is fun.  Lighten the hell up.

Kendra is starting to show

By brendon July 10, 2009 @ 5:22 PM

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Kendra Wilkinson is in St Lucia this week for her honeymoon, and it would seem pregnancy has already begun it’s attack on her once perfect body. Well, whatever. When I banged her back in April I told her this was a one night thing. It’s her problem now. High Five!

(hq jump = here.  source = splash news online)

How should women dress?

By brendon July 06, 2009 @ 4:22 PM

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Dressing sexy is all about attitude. Looks don’t really matter. Unless you’re unattractive or overweight, in which case looks very much do matter. If a girl is built like Kendra, she should dress exactly like Kendra.  Every day, all the time.  For example, Kendra and I agree that this is how girls should dress to play golf.  Boy shorts and pig-tails would also kick ass.  Maybe a push-up bra and half-shirt or, if it’s warm out, lace panties and her hands cupped over her breasts.  If the girl isn’t built like Kendra, um … I don’t know.  I guess maybe an invisibility cloak or something.  What’s the point to even being a girl if you’re not gonna look like Kendra?