Elmo Gets a Free Pass on the Sodomy

By Jack April 23, 2014 @ 2:42 PM

Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash is in the clear after a court of appeals judge threw out his child molestation case. Three men brought a suit against Clash for trying to stick his hand up their puppet holes when they were still under the age of majority. The case was dismissed because the statute of limitations was up before the molested boys filed the suit. Clash is still facing a legal threat from a dude who claims that Clash made him smoke crystal meth before learning the words of the day, ‘ass’ and ‘rape’. Clash was driven off Sesame Street by Big Bird carrying a kitchen knife after allegations of diddling kids first appeared. Sadly, they quickly found a replacement puppeteer to stick his hand into Elmo, meaning that irritating bitch of a puppet lives on. I can only imagine how pleased that makes Clash’s victims who probably look for an upper floor window every time they hear that piercing voice.

Elmo Is Off The Hook And Free To Terrorize Boys on Sesame Street

By Jack July 01, 2013 @ 2:09 PM

Kevin Clash, the fist inside Elmo’s red furry asshole, is not going to be tried for allegedly having sex with three underaged boys. Not because there isn’t enough evidence, but because the accusers waited too late and the statute of limitations ran out. You’ll recall that Clash resigned from Sesame Street after several boys came forward and claimed that they had boy-man sex with Clash when they were still minors. You’d think that there wouldn’t be a time limit on child molestation by a beloved TV Muppet, but you’d be wrong. Clash resigned from Sesame Street but it’s possible that given the fact that he isn’t actually going to be charged he could go back to the show or go work for some other children’s program. That’s what these perverts do, they get jobs that give them access to their prey. Like a necrophiliac at a morgue or a couch fucker that works at IKEA. Either way, Clash officially skates. Today’s news is brought to you by the letter B for bullshit.

Kevin Clash Gets An Emmy Nod For Fingerbanging… A Puppet

By Jack May 02, 2013 @ 3:02 PM

Kevin Clash, the dirty perv that used to perform Elmo, has been nominated for a daytime Emmy. You’ll recall that last year the legendary puppeteer quit Sesame Street after it came out that he had been fisting more than a red sock. He allegedly had sex with a couple of teenage boys. Not cool for a children’s entertainer to be stepping into Eagle Scout Master turf. In spite of being a dirty boy fiddler, the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences decided that he still deserved a nod for best children’s entertainer. You see, the Academy is able to separate the man from the art. If there’s any karma in this world, members of the Academy will someday be forced to separate Kevin Clash from their teenaged sons. They should just give the award posthumously to Shari Lewis. She never sodomized a child with Lamb Chop, far as we know.