By Lex December 26, 2014 @ 8:45 AM
Things most commonly heard at a Kardashian Christmas Party. You slut. Followed by, I know, followed by, I’m so jealous, and finally, let’s finger each other’s buttholes then go kill mother. They giggle at the last remark because they know without a priest descended directly from St. Paul they are helpless to do the latter. A jaunty game of Scrabble inevitably ends in a scoreless tie proceeds the eggnog fight on the designer dresses which caps off the night. As the girls lay drugged in their woven basket beds on the kitchen floor, Santa approves a Paypal charge and gets twenty minutes to empty himself on the large one. Somewhere, Baby Jesus weeps, but nobody notices.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex November 26, 2014 @ 9:54 AM
Remember when Lululemon sent out a recall notice because ladies with enormous haunches were stretching their yoga pants to the point of being profane? Time to loosen the rules on the email spam filter.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex November 24, 2014 @ 9:48 AM
Teens, old chicks, strange foreign chicks with pasties who nobody remembers inviting. All the girls went braless last night at the American Music Awards. After watching two minutes of sunken eyed anorexics talking fashion on E!, I discovered braless is a new style trend. I suppose it’s better than tiny hats. The Jenner girls don’t belong at a music awards show, but you ditch the bra and you’re on every short list, including the Cosby mentor program speed dial.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex November 14, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
If you’re going for the passed around the reef mermaid look, you could do worse than Kylie Jenner’s new hair extension line. Kylie stood next to her sister Kim with every indicator of a twinsies moment save for Kylie hoisting a Cali license plate I2WHORE. Outside of cancer patients and background dancers for Christina Aguilera, I’m not sure why hair extensions exist. I understand tit jobs, but I’m not sure many rich dudes are looking at artificial hair and thinking, fuck, I’d like to empty my back account for that long tressed babe. If only Kylie had stuck with school past the seventh grade. She could at least have a working knowledge of how her mother was misappropriating her paychecks.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex November 11, 2014 @ 9:07 AM
Khloe Kardashian employed some kind of Interstellar McConaughey quantum physics to show off her tits and legs and still be strapped into sixty-four percent restrictive girdle containment at a sponsored birthday party for her maybe boyfriend, French Montana. Khloe had been dating the rapper until one of her sisters told Khloe he wasn’t black and she felt betrayed and consumed an entire Marie Callender’s. Now she’s gassy and ready to land a decent man with failure to pay child support judgements to introduce to her real father before he dies alone in a Nevada prison. Khloe didn’t ask for this whore’s life, she was born into it. I’ll give her a break if she puts her undercrackers back on.
Photo Credit: Splash/Instagram
By Lex November 07, 2014 @ 11:05 AM
Kris Jenner spent the first twenty years of her marriage cuckolding her second husband and the last two bitching about his unwillingness to ponytail penetrate her vaginaplastied shrew twat. The thought of having sex with an older woman doesn’t bother me at all. The thought of banging Kris Jenner even in the most hateful of ways makes me want to vomit the gum I swallowed in grade school. Somehow and for some amount of Bitcoin, Kris managed to secure a young guy who works for Justin Bieber’s management team to diddle her rancid bean.
Kris has a very strong sexual appetite and she says she’s basically been starving for sex Her sex life with Bruce died a long time ago, she’s had some hook-ups here and there but this is the first time that she’s been having regular sex in years and she can’t stop bragging about it.
There goes my fucking gum. Kris wanted to introduce her man to the girls and compare black guy penis stories so she rang the whore bell and everyone showed up for lunch in Beverly Hills. You’ll have to wait until next season’s KUWTK to know exactly how this relationship pans out. Or you can park high atop Calabasas and wait for the screams of ‘I pay you to finish on my melanoma, Toby!’ to waft across the hills.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI