Khardashians Celebrate Genocide

By Lex April 09, 2015 @ 8:32 AM

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The Kardashians headed to Armenia to honor the 100th anniversary of the 1915 Armenian genocide where anywhere from several hundred thousand to several million ethnic Armenians perished so that System of a Down could someday have arcane song lyrics. Genocide took a back seat on this day when Khloe Kardashian and Kim Kardashian and Kanye West and a camera crew landed in Armenia for a ten day trip visiting museums and memorials and seventh cousins who made themselves available for a family reunion when E! offered up unfiltered packs of Camels for anyone willing to hug Kanye on camera.

My husband and daughter came to Armenia as well to see my heritage and learn about my ancestors! My cousins came along too! So excited I can’t sleep. — Kim, on Instagram, our nation’s newspaper

In her previous thirty-four years, Kim’s jetted to pretty much every single other country in the hemisphere except for Armenia. It’s just been too precious too touch. Like her virginity. But now, it’s just the right time. Or when the camera guys says ‘rolling’. Imagine the connection when you learn that you’re great-aunt Marena was a prostitute who tea bagged village men in exchange for buckets of water from the less dirty well.

Armenian locals were originally miffed when they heard the Kardashian circus was coming to town during the Genocide memorial events until they realized Armenia was finally going to crack the Google Top 10,000 popular daily search terms. There’s principle and then there’s finally having tourists to sell some sweet and sour mustache wax.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Behold the Lesser Angels

By Lex April 06, 2015 @ 10:17 AM

Kendall Jenner And Khloe Kardashian Head To Church Curvy And Showy On Easter
Why not get decked out for the club when hitting Easter Sunday service. Did he not make your tits too? Many people criticize the Kardashians for looking like whores headed to church. I applaud them for their honesty. Hypocrisy is the only transgression that can’t be absolved in a house of worship. We are all God’s children. Some of the kids just like to fuck for money.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Khloe Kardashian, Friend to the Friendless

By Lex April 03, 2015 @ 1:13 PM

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No matter how many times they run Khloe Kardashian through media training camp, she can’t pick up the smile and wave response protocol. It’s why the gossip reporters go after Khloe to comment on her semen coated family. She doesn’t give a particularly intelligent response, but she always feels compelled to say something reflexively simpleton about haters. As she did when asked about Jamie Foxx’s jokes on Bruce Jenner becoming a tranny at the iHeart Radio Awards:

I just think it’s a low blow. I think it’s very mean, but you know, I wish him all the best. It is what it is. I just think — and I know Jamie, so I think that’s also why that’s a really low blow, but hey. Guess that’s what he felt the need to do for a little press.

I agree with the Big One that the tranny jokes were out of place, especially when Bruce Jenner killed a woman a few weeks back and nobody in the media seemed to particularly care. Dick jokes are probably mildly funnier than dead old lady jokes but at least the family of the dead woman could’ve expressed outrage on Twitter. Until Khloe ate them. Every last fucking one of them. Defender of the realm.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Khloe Kardashian Waist Training

By Lex February 26, 2015 @ 10:06 AM

Khloe Kardashian Waist Training
The Kardashian billy goat gruffs are fond of repeating the mantra about never having plastic surgery, rotocast chest humps aside. What they fail to mention is the World War II level industrial complex engaged to plug their cavities with wax, collagen, Amazonian toad venom, pickled creamed herring, and tan bark. If you’ve ever seen a cement truck being filled at the yard, you have some visual idea of the upkeep on these quasi arthropodal blow beasts. Khloe Kardashians big frame is the last real thing on her body. Once she has all the bones in her body cracked so she can be reformed into a fashionable size, she will be more quikrete than human and stationed in her mother’s front yard as a tomb marker for the buried Kardashian fetuses, 2003-2007. Cinch a little tighter. We’re on a schedule.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Instagram

Kardashians Crashing More Vehicles

By Matt February 23, 2015 @ 6:32 AM

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Every time you accidentally catch a glimpse of TMZ they’re reporting on a member of this family crashing a vehicle. Given this group is patently uninteresting and in desperate need of material I think it’s fair to posit they’re doing it on purpose like when a dog shits on the floor for attention. Kim, Khloe, Kylie were in Montana where they were supposedly skiing but were probably filming boring television on skis and constantly referencing that it’s cold out like we don’t get it. Their vehicle apparently skidded into oncoming traffic and swerved off the road but unfortunately nobody was hurt. Either TMZ has a source in Billings or these people are reporting their car accidents to tabloids before the police. Kim then alluded to the episode on Instagram:

“Thank you God for watching over us and keeping us safe.”

Actually your step fatherette just killed a person who doesn’t pray via social media. Maybe it’s all just random. Possibly skewed the other way towards premeditated. Banging black guys is no longer shocking. A fender bender is always a solid plot device. The shark has jumped over the mountain. If your family dies in a fiery blaze the funeral episode will be your highest rated. Something to think about. Just keep the bystanders out of it. They can still be saved.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Amber Rose Still Butt Hurt Over Kanye

By Lex February 17, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Chick fights without hair pulling or ripping off shirts have an enjoyment cap set at mildly amusing. Amber Rose teed off on the Kardashian family the past couple of days because she has some pent up feelings about losing her man and also she’s been drinking. It all started in 2009 when a bunch of chicks with fake body parts and no jobs got on Twitter. But flash forward to Amber Rose calling Kylie Jenner a stupid kid for hooking up with rapper Tyga. Technically, I believe when you’re underaged and you’re fucking an old rapper with exes and babies  you are pretty fucking stupid. Khloe Kardashian, the family heavy, stepped in to defend her little sister by pulling unflattering quotes her assistant found for her:

Khloe-Kardashian-Tweet-on-Amber-Rose

Khloe is normally pumped full of a barbiturates in regimen similar Kong in captivity. It’s unusual for her to engage. Amber Rose came back with the fact she was a stripper to support her family no different than Kim Kardashian is a whore to feed her family. She also made mention of the fact she was fucking Kanye before Kanye was fucking Kim, which I think is a point Amber Rose if you’re keeping score, but I’m not sure. It might be an own goal.

Khloe went on to preach how her entire family is reticent to ever use their extraordinary powers to hurt others and wishes the whole world was made of cheese so she could eat it. Amber Rose responded to Khloe’s bullshit self-evaluation by posting an old leaked picture of her own bare snatch, calling all the Kardashians whores, implying she might go fuck Khloe’s most recent boyfriend, and then insisting that O.J. is Khloe’s dad. You’re not going to fell Khloe Kardashian with a single lucky shot. Spray and cover.

Most people see this skirmish as the most juvenile war of words in the history of mankind. Few are similarly able to recognize it as the most intelligent conversation these two brain dead plumped up ass-tards have ever conducted. The glass is always half full when you’re drunk and stupid.

Photo credit: Splash News