Last month, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian were out for a stroll in Melrose, probably discussing how they’re only famous because their sister had really boring sex with Ray J, when they were the victims of a terrifying attack by a psychotic clown who calls himself Richie the Barber. Except, instead of terrifying it was actually harmless and instead of psychotic, the clown is just kind of a douchebag, but that didn’t stop the sisters from filing a police report that was promptly ignored. But according to TMZ, Khloe and Kourtney told police told police three days ago that they still want to file criminal charges on the guy who threw some paper at them as a joke. I imagine that they were reminded that a street performer probably doesn’t have any money to sue for, to which Kris Jenner said something like, “But he’s got kidneys, plasma and blood, so take it all.”
The only thing worse than a Kardashian wife is a Kardashian ex-wife. Just ask dead Robert Kardashian or Kris Humphreys or Lamar Odom or some guy who beat Kim Kardashian for a couple weeks in Vegas. According to sources both anonymous and unreliable, Khloe invited Lamar out to a Hollywood nightclub and when he arrived, he found her with her new boyfriend, French Montana, who I’m still pretty sure is a t-girl porn star. Not only was her new black cocksman present, but so were E! cameras which tried to frame Lamar as being the jealous ex-husband who showed up out of the blue to harass Khloe:
She totally set him up and he is livid. She wanted it to look like he was stalking her on camera.
By livid, I assume somebody slowly explained to Lamar what had just happened, causing him to hit the pipe and bang eleven whores at the nearest Holiday Inn Express. Still, it was a pretty shitty thing to do to the man you once told the world every single day for three years straight was your life’s inspiration and first man who didn’t let an ‘eww’ slip when he saw you naked.
Following the staged run in, Khloe Tweeted the pain she felt from running into Lamar:
Still hurts… Maybe it always will.
Nothing truly hurts like sticking a knife in a man’s back. Your hand gets all sore and your palm can chafe if you’re not holding the grip properly as you drive the blade into the vital organs. Bitch.
Big boned Kardashian sister Khloe made it clear that she is not having sex with her brother Rob. She made this revelation while she was guest hosting Chelsea Handler’s horribly canned laugh track funny funny show. She and Rob are currently living together because Rob also likes to eat to fill the empty space where a normal human mother’s love would be. During her unfunny monologue, she brought up the subject of her deadbeat bro and cleared up a rumor she just made up by saying,
“However, most people know me as the sister of fashion icon and sock tycoon Rob Kardashian. Rob’s been on my mind a lot lately because we’re currently living together. And no, we’re not sexually involved — my brother’s not nearly black enough for me!”
I’m going to guess the writing room at Chelsea is something akin to the girls at Curves meeting up with their gay BFFs for appletinis after pushing their hearts to the limit at 90 bpm. E! is an incestuous shop so it’s not surprising they went with incest as a super hilarious bit for the sad clown to read off the teleprompter. And then throwing on the racial bit was tres hilarious. Here’s what’s funny. Rob is probably one negative comment away from a self-pity stab at his neck with a sharp object to end the pain. Khloe spends her days like a twelve-year old on Twitter spiraling between lovelorn mania and bitter depression. The entire family has been fucked up their large asses by their mother’s blind stage ambition for fame and fortune at the cost of her mildly retarded children’s health and well-being. The lucky one was Robert Sr. who had the innate sense to die young just to escape his particular circle of Hell. How about mouthing reading that off the prompter, Khloe? The producers can pump up the laugh track to cover the sounds of air escaping the various orifices of the rotund monkeys clapping in the sound stage bleachers.
Richie the Barber used to be a circus clown. Now he spends most of his time grooming hair in Hollywood. In this way, he’s very much like the Kardashian daughters themselves. Maybe this painful irony drove Richie to confetti bomb the Big One and the Little One as they exited a furniture store filming their cable show, The Kardashians Go Furniture Shopping and Retards Watch. The creepy looking haircutter was quickly jumped on by Kardashian security forces who take pride in stating that the only thing closer to the Kardashians is herpes. This would be the first time the girls ever got sprayed in the face without Kris ringing the sales bell. When all was said and done, everybody agreed that it could’ve been much worse. Or, had the barber used bullets, much better.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash
Khloe Kardashian might be soupy in the intellect, but she knows what wins in the Kardashian family — dating thuggish black rappers into Versace. She tried following Kim’s lead into black athletes only to land the world’s biggest coke fiend. Now, she’s bagged French Montana who I immediately confused with Laurence Fisburne’s porn star daughter, Montana. When you’re a big shot rhymer, you’re going to earn some enemies, like the guy who shot French in the head ten years ago. Also, his ex-wife who has been using the press to warn Khloe that her baby daddy left her and their son the minute he got famous, wasn’t willing to pay child support, and was generally just a giant a-hole. French hardly ever sees his son; he didn’t even visit when the four year old was in the hospital:
But opportunistic love triumphs all in Khloe’s family. Though the Senior Kardashian Counsel on Making Even More Money has yet to fully vet French Montana as to his reality show and merchandising worthiness.
‘The whole family is worried,’ a friend of Khloé’s tells Life & Style. ‘They think she’s headed down the same path she did with her ex, Lamar Odom.’
Besides running a rap label called Cocaine City Records, being an absentee parent, and hanging with strippers and drug dealers, what reminds you of Lamar? Khloe may never conceive of an original thought in her life, but she does innately understand that her mom doesn’t love her as much as her legitimate born first two daughters. She’s got to do something. And something stupid is better than nothing, right? Once O.J. dies and Kris Jenner’s horrible secret dies with him, it really might be time to put Khloe down.
Khloe Kardashian looks great, in a salted Bavarian pretzel twisted kind of way. But what’s really behind Khloe’s new compelling yeti figure? Is it all the calories burned posing as an underaged girl in the pretend version of To Catch a Predator she acts out in her bedroom each night? No, sir, it’s love. Only true love has the power to contort Khloe into a spastic looking plus sized stripper. Girls on the Internet who follow Khloe because they’re too timid to cut themselves have gone aflutter with Khloe’s latest weight loss and the caption on her socially shared swimsuit photo:
“And then my soul saw you……”
Who isn’t assuming that means Khloe has found the new man of her dreams after the last man of her dreams locked himself in a crack whore motel for six months of tempting The AIDS gods. I bet this new guy is simply amazing. He might even let Khloe uses her iPhone to check Twitter while spanking her ass and making her talk about what Kendall looks like naked. I see nothing but upside in Khloe’s future. She is the captain.
Photo Credit: Khloe Kardashian/Instagram