By Lex December 27, 2013 @ 2:53 PM
With the Kardashians, it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s faked for the cameras. I go with the rule that not a goddamn thing anybody in that family has done has been real since Robert hid the knife for Khloe’s bio dad. Nevertheless, they keep pumping out social media content like it’s non-fiction, including their family Christmas party with the theme of ‘naughty’. It’d be easy to suggest that the only time the Kardashians are the least bit real is when they’re being all slutty, but they can’t even do that honestly. Kris fucked up their chances to be decent self-hating tramps, in favor of self-aware moneymaking business girls. They’re about as sexually vibrant as the sore-ridden abuela in Tijuana giving sailors hummers while stirring the bean pot for her family’s dinner. Still, these photos make good recruitment tools for Al Qaeda. Death to the West.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex December 19, 2013 @ 5:14 PM
According to Kris Jenner, who will do anything or say anything for cash or Lotto scratchers, she’s really been impressed with how her daughter Khloe has handled her pending divorce with such grace and strength. We’ve always known Khloe possessed superhuman strength of Ben Grimm, but that grace part would be new. While providing pre-approved quotable copy for the journalists at People magazine, Kris continued to note the upsides of Khloe’s current ‘cleanse’:
“It’s definitely life lessons that she will be able to apply and use later in her life,”
By that Kris Jenner means that if she charts like the other Kardashians, Khloe will divorce at least thrice more before her next bone-bending facelift to make her look less like O.J.
For her part, Khloe made her first public comments on Twitter, where she apparently works full-time days.
This, in and of itself, is heart breaking and torture to my soul. Please, I don’t need the extra rumors and BS right now.
Khloe was referring to the rumors that she’s dating Matt Kemp of the L.A. Dodgers. She could just go upstairs and ask her mom to stop selling the Kemp stories to the press, but asking her audience of several million emotionally retarded fans seemed to make more sense. When the cleansing is complete, she’ll probably think straighter.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, INFphoto.com
By Lex December 13, 2013 @ 3:38 PM
I know what you’re thinking. What now for the stomach cancer charity that donated no money to stomach cancer? Exactly. This divorce is going to have ramifications well past the special Keeping Up With the Kardashians episode where Khloe cries and coins gush out of Kris Jenner’s vagina as she imagines the ratings boom. Khloe filed for divorce today, citing irreconcilable differences. Among those differences was Lamar preferring crack and skinny street whores to the loss of sensation in his legs each night Khloe rolled around on top of him screeching like the world’s largest parrot about being a pretty girl. It’s always the little things that go unspoken that kill a marriage. The divorce is expected to go about as smoothly as any financial proceedings involving remarkably greedy, self-interested, bastards can.
By Jack December 09, 2013 @ 4:21 PM
Lamar Odom got slapped with three years probation after he plead no contest to a DUI. Odom’s been in trouble with the law before, and a notorious crack-whore delighter, but given that he had to spend four years having sex with Khloe Kardashian, the court kind of took mercy on his soul. In true celebrity justice form, Odom was also sentenced to three month alcohol education, where he will learn such things as how to mix a proper martini and how many gallons of hooch it will take until he forever forgets what Khloe’s furry snatchball looked like in those crotchless panties she wore for their first-hand job anniversary. Remember when coach told you to just focus on basketball? Why didn’t you listen?
By Travis December 02, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
On last night’s episode of Kashing In With the Kardashians, Kris Jenner and her living, breathing ATMs showed off their brand new Christmas card, which shockingly reveals that this family loves taking all of your money. I’m told that the image above is not actually the Kardashian Christmas card and it is, in fact, an orangutan drinking its own urine, and that E! has what it claims is the card in question, as photographed by David LaChappelle. But I think this one is way better, with a better possible alternative being Kendall Jenner’s nipples.
Photo Credits: E!
By Lex November 27, 2013 @ 3:06 PM
Lamar Odom is not going away cheaply. Apparently he wants ten million in Kardashian bitcoin to walk away from Khloe Kardashian and the family and keep his mouth shut about all their behind the sausage factory gristle. He also wants his $875K engagement ring back from Khloe, mostly just because during one hour of sobriety last week he suddenly realized how fucking stupid that was. If Lamar doesn’t get his cash, he’s threatening to tell all about Kardashian family plastic surgeries, Kris Jenner’s sinister raising of her offspring, and, worst of all…
“Lamar is also prepared to destroy Khloe’s reputation by discussing their sex tape…” – a source to the National Enquirer
Holy mother of God, no, Lamar. Not the nuclear option. I’m willing to chip in a few bucks, we all should, to have that wildlife documentary burned and its ashes buried in a lead urn in the deepest reaches of the Mariana Trench. Imagine Khloe naked and rubbing cocoa butter on her toot bellowing for Lamar to fill her bucket. Then see if you don’t find five spare bucks in your pocket to stop this madness.