Nobody said dating a Muslim rapper was going to be easy, but Khloe Kardashian never asked for easy. Khloe’s been respecting the Ramadan restrictions of her boyfriend French Montana these past month, including no sex of any kind, outside of whoever he’s fucking on the side, naturally. Khloe admits she’s been frisky without her Moroccan mustang plowing her spacious meadows. Fuck, I just tasted my puke. She’s been teasing the hell out of him with her outrageously large and robust body in the manner that Hulk Hogan used to tease his floored opponents before the finishing leg drop. Ramadan is all about putting your faith to the test. Keeping your hands off that emotionally disturbed mammoth for a month can only bring you closer to your god.
Khloe’s new boyfriend posted an Instagram photo of her Mothra egg shaped cans with the hashtag #asssscap. I can only imagine the look of pride on his face when he invented that hashtag. If any girl on Twitter sobbed to Khloe about her boyfriend posting her body part pictures online, Khloe would’ve bounced into action with no less than three trite inspirational poems and a plagiarized quote from Golda Meir about perseverance. But in this case Khloe conveniently defined French Montana’s post as a funny joke from the wonderful married guy and deadbeat dad she’s dating:
He is just funny. He’s light and it’s easy. That’s what I need right now. It’s fun. I like how he’s always happy. Smiles are infectious. They’re contagious. I like that.
You know what else is contagious? Everything he’s going to stick in that fat-injected artificial ass of yours. It’d be easy to feel sorry for Khloe for always choosing door number retarded in her life. But after a while, you do start rooting for the fox to eat Baby Huey and shit out his bow tie.
Photo credit: French Montana/Instagram
All Khloe Kardashian ever wanted was a famous black person with lots of jewelry to subjugate her and make O.J. some grandkids. Khloe’s always felt like the third wheel to her older sisters who were out there having sex on camera and making bastard babies and all the fun things the behaviorists who raised her in her basement doll house told her she was too big to do. After Lamar Odom refused to make her with child, it all seemed so hopeless. I mean, Lamar would fuck a goat on its period if he was high enough. Khloe went through a few guys and a lot of heartache, but with French Montana, I’m pretty sure she’s found the one. Just as long as everybody remembers not to tell Khloe that he isn’t black, there’s no reason this period of extreme bliss can’t go on for another six months.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, Splash
There’s nothing worse than making enough fuck you money to move out to The Hamptons only to have the Kardashians and their caravan of gleaming whore cubes riding into town. Just when you spent all that time ensuring the minorities were all kept at bay, here comes the little pregnant one and O.J.’s daughter with a production list of staged hijinks to run on the locals. It started with the big one flashing her ass on a public tennis court. It always starts that way. I’m pretty sure that’s how World War I began. Nobody in The Hamptons believes in war, so just expect a lot of social shunning and gossip.
Did you see Khloe’s ass today? I did. Do you think she’s going to fuck my husband? No. Yes. Maybe, I don’t know.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com
Kris Jenner moves the pieces of her retard child army around the master board like Tywin Lannister plotting his armed dominion over Westeros. She couldn’t let the media circle around the meme of her fat, distraught son. The last time that happened she re-invented him as an argyle sock designer. Now, he’s a construction contractor overseeing the renovations to Khloe’s new home.
Having my brother oversee my construction at our new house while I’m in NY is a tad scary. I’m way too controlling lol — O.J.’s daughter on Twitter
I got u don’t you worry. Got the boom boom room all set up and everythangggggg. — Fat Rob responding on Twitter
Khloe’s new house just happens to be Justin Bieber’s old home. I’m sure the neighbors are piss pleased at Bieber finally moving out and the Kardashians moving in. I’d torch that Amityville home nightly. Dutiful puffy Rob is helping Khloe put an underground basketball court into the mini-palace, a place of serenity where she can post up and dominate in the paint as is the athletic wont of her true bloodline. It’s possible the basketball court is the idea of the new rapper boyfriend she snagged to please her mother. Whoever buys that house next will experience the joy of finding the parquet flooring covered with stale jizz and Gino’s pizza rolls. Carry on, Rob.
The little one and O.J.’s daughter are setting up shop in The Hamptons for the latest Kardashian spinoff series. Khloe and Kourtney Suck the Tip of Long Island will air at some point on E! after Chelsea Handler finds an executive to bone at another network. The show will feature the hilarious and ribald hijinks of the Kardashian sisters eating, talking, and popping. It’s like The Truman Show if Truman had actually wanted the entire world to watch his every waking moment instead of trying to escape from it. Walk toward the light, Khloe. I swear, it’s not a death ray.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, Pacific Coast News