By Lex November 11, 2014 @ 9:07 AM
Khloe Kardashian employed some kind of Interstellar McConaughey quantum physics to show off her tits and legs and still be strapped into sixty-four percent restrictive girdle containment at a sponsored birthday party for her maybe boyfriend, French Montana. Khloe had been dating the rapper until one of her sisters told Khloe he wasn’t black and she felt betrayed and consumed an entire Marie Callender’s. Now she’s gassy and ready to land a decent man with failure to pay child support judgements to introduce to her real father before he dies alone in a Nevada prison. Khloe didn’t ask for this whore’s life, she was born into it. I’ll give her a break if she puts her undercrackers back on.
Photo Credit: Splash/Instagram
By Lex November 07, 2014 @ 11:05 AM
Kris Jenner spent the first twenty years of her marriage cuckolding her second husband and the last two bitching about his unwillingness to ponytail penetrate her vaginaplastied shrew twat. The thought of having sex with an older woman doesn’t bother me at all. The thought of banging Kris Jenner even in the most hateful of ways makes me want to vomit the gum I swallowed in grade school. Somehow and for some amount of Bitcoin, Kris managed to secure a young guy who works for Justin Bieber’s management team to diddle her rancid bean.
Kris has a very strong sexual appetite and she says she’s basically been starving for sex Her sex life with Bruce died a long time ago, she’s had some hook-ups here and there but this is the first time that she’s been having regular sex in years and she can’t stop bragging about it.
There goes my fucking gum. Kris wanted to introduce her man to the girls and compare black guy penis stories so she rang the whore bell and everyone showed up for lunch in Beverly Hills. You’ll have to wait until next season’s KUWTK to know exactly how this relationship pans out. Or you can park high atop Calabasas and wait for the screams of ‘I pay you to finish on my melanoma, Toby!’ to waft across the hills.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex October 16, 2014 @ 1:16 PM
In an explosive new piece of stunningly unsourced journalism, In Touch Magazine is reporting that Lionel Richie might be Khloe Kardashian’s real father. Their evidence? Kris Jenner fucked a lot of rich black dudes back in the 80′s while she was not fucking her husband Dead Robert Kardashian. The In Touch source says one of those midday lays was Lionel Richie. And Khloe Kardashian looks like Lionnel Richie’s bio daughter Sofia. Ergo, Lionel Richie is Khloe’s real dad. I’m not buying it. All I’m seeing is ergo Kris Jenner has forever been a scheming beast with a vagina. The evidence linking Lionel Richie to paternity is identical to what idiots like myself have been using to claim O.J. is the unholy chunk monkey’s real father. This is like Star Wars, but with ambitious money grubbing vacuous whores in the place of galactic rebels and imperialists. So actually just a little bit better.
Photo Credit: Getty/WhoWhatWear
By Lex September 10, 2014 @ 1:20 PM
At some point fat injected buttocks will become like tramp stamps, something that you thought was a signature statement of self-worth on your backside that now just looks like you used to fuck a lot of bikers. I know they assembly line a shot of centrifuged fat into your ass chaps each morning in the Kardashian house, like George Jetson being robotically dressed for work. But maybe if you’ve got Richard Seymour shoulders and your dad killed Ron Goldman you step off the conveyor belt after the horse tooth brushing and before the cartoonishly large hypodermic needle dips into your glutes. Khloe might think having a deformed ass is a Lifehack, but she also believes that airplanes take flight on good wishes and that Mayor McCheese should run for President.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex July 28, 2014 @ 2:29 PM
Nobody said dating a Muslim rapper was going to be easy, but Khloe Kardashian never asked for easy. Khloe’s been respecting the Ramadan restrictions of her boyfriend French Montana these past month, including no sex of any kind, outside of whoever he’s fucking on the side, naturally. Khloe admits she’s been frisky without her Moroccan mustang plowing her spacious meadows. Fuck, I just tasted my puke. She’s been teasing the hell out of him with her outrageously large and robust body in the manner that Hulk Hogan used to tease his floored opponents before the finishing leg drop. Ramadan is all about putting your faith to the test. Keeping your hands off that emotionally disturbed mammoth for a month can only bring you closer to your god.
By colin July 15, 2014 @ 7:01 AM
Khloe’s new boyfriend posted an Instagram photo of her Mothra egg shaped cans with the hashtag #asssscap. I can only imagine the look of pride on his face when he invented that hashtag. If any girl on Twitter sobbed to Khloe about her boyfriend posting her body part pictures online, Khloe would’ve bounced into action with no less than three trite inspirational poems and a plagiarized quote from Golda Meir about perseverance. But in this case Khloe conveniently defined French Montana’s post as a funny joke from the wonderful married guy and deadbeat dad she’s dating:
He is just funny. He’s light and it’s easy. That’s what I need right now. It’s fun. I like how he’s always happy. Smiles are infectious. They’re contagious. I like that.
You know what else is contagious? Everything he’s going to stick in that fat-injected artificial ass of yours. It’d be easy to feel sorry for Khloe for always choosing door number retarded in her life. But after a while, you do start rooting for the fox to eat Baby Huey and shit out his bow tie.
Photo credit: French Montana/Instagram