By Lex March 06, 2014 @ 2:12 PM
The E! Channel has arranged for Khloe Kardashian to guest host their canned laugh track gay squeezer Chelsea Lately while Chelsea Handler is on her BBC adventure staycation. Khloe makes perfect sense as she’s both been fired from her remedial X-Factor teleprompter reading gig and helped co-host her mother’s talk show which crashed and burned miserably in its first run. Still, networks love synergy between their shows, which is shorthand for Khloe costs nothing since she’s already paid to be the troubled fat one on KUWTK. To celebrate the great news that she’d not really earned another job on television, Khloe posted her first ever Vine video. The quick clip shows her body being rubbed down with self-tanner so her tits will glow on television. There’s really no light brighter than the twinkle in the eye of a mildly-retarded girl when she’s told to take off her top for the cameras. I just hope OJ gets to see this before he passes.
Photo Credit: Khloe Kardashian/Vine
By Lex February 25, 2014 @ 4:01 PM
Khloe Kardashian may be built like a WWII era German flak tower, but there’s no such thing as a completely impenetrable fortress. An intoxicated Bigfoot hunter wrapped up Khloe from behind as she tried to make her way into Miley’s Bangerz tour. How Khloe’s bodyguards let this potential Sirhan Sirhan lay his paws upon her fecund expanse is something of a mystery. It’s a failure of the very name of their professional occupation. I’d think Khloe qualifies for some kind of Secret Service detail given her inherent importance to the retarded girl social media food chain, Khloe’s inane complimentary tweets about every musical artist who gives her free close-up tickets to their shows keeps several key sectors of our consumer economy booming. Khloe’s the Harry Knowles of bubble gum pop. If she stopped shaving for a couple weeks, you’d really get that analogy.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Travis February 11, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
It’s hard to tell what is going on in some of these pictures, but the basic idea is that Khloe Kardashian and rapper The Game co-hosted the “Dream at Tru” event at the Tru Nightclub in Hollywood last night, because they’re totally in love with each other now. Even better, the couple was joined by the also newly-single Kris Jenner, who partied with these people who are almost all half her age until the early hours, because when your ex-husband is in the middle of becoming a woman, you deserve to act a little younger than normal. As for Khloe, she’s still married to Lamar Odom, but there’s really no better way to wait out a divorce than by partying with a guy who had a reality show about getting married, but never actually followed through with it, and instead has three kids with two women. But maybe Khloe’s inability to have kids is why these two are perfect for each other, so who are we to question true love?
Photo Credits: WENN.com
By Jack February 05, 2014 @ 1:37 PM
Kylie Jenner was rushed to the emergency room after she smashed her face on a trampoline. Apparently, she had the thoughtful idea to bounce on a trampoline with her robust sister Khloe when she ate it and was rushed to the emergency room. It’s unclear if she really hurt herself or is just being dramatic for the E! cameras that follow her everywhere like a chlamydia virus. If only Kylie had stayed in school for the double digit grades she might have had the opportunity to learn Newton’s Third Law about actions causing equal and opposite reactions. As in, Khloe comes down, you go way the fuck up. Into orbit potentially if you’re under seven stones in weight. The family is anxiously awaiting word how this facial injury might affect Kylie’s future as an off-Strip party girl in Vegas. For her part, Khloe is wondering how she worked herself into the butt of the perfect fat girl joke once more.
By Lex February 03, 2014 @ 5:06 PM
Outside of a chunky tranny with a fetish for butt sex in constrictive clothing, it’s hard to imagine who would want to trade identities with Kim Kardashian. I guess the answer is Luis Flores. Jr., an ambitious teenager in Florida who was using Kim’s personal credentials to order replacement credit cards and raid her bank account. This same precocious teen was also stealing from Michelle Obama and Bill Gates and Joe Biden, none of which is as risky as getting between a Kardashian and her cash. Authorities became suspicious when large dollar wire transfers from Kris Jenner started showing up in Flores’ Florida bank without any reason to believe he was one of the people around the world being paid off by Kris to cover up disturbing Kardashian family scandals. The kids mom is also going to jail for helping him cover up his crimes. In a way, a very nice homage to the Kardashian family. Now, Kim has her identity back, which from photos appears to weigh about 25 extra pounds, and Luis Flores Jr. will have plenty of time to consider how fucking Kim is free, but fucking her over costs you three years in lockup.
By Lex January 24, 2014 @ 5:31 PM
Kim Kardashian made a splash on Jimmy Kimmel last night, mostly to show the advancements in girdle technology that allow her to look less like a chattering crocus bulb. Being a talk show, Kim had to rehearse some spoken words beyond just ‘Kanye, go kill him!’ and ‘I get five dollars to make you holler, Mister”. So she played sympathetic sister, speaking of how badly broken Khloe Kardashian was by discovering that the man she knew for nearly four hours before marriage was secretly a crack smoking whoremonger with mental health issues. Kim insisted that despite what you saw on the show, Khloe never really wanted to make a baby with Lamar because she knew he was troubled. So, all those sympathetic condolences from her family on her lack of pregnancy, and those trips to the fertility clinics, Khloe actually skipped those. Well don’t I feel pretty fucking stupid for sobbing along with Khloe’s barren womb all these years. I don’t know what to believe anymore.