By Lex October 16, 2014 @ 1:16 PM
In an explosive new piece of stunningly unsourced journalism, In Touch Magazine is reporting that Lionel Richie might be Khloe Kardashian’s real father. Their evidence? Kris Jenner fucked a lot of rich black dudes back in the 80′s while she was not fucking her husband Dead Robert Kardashian. The In Touch source says one of those midday lays was Lionel Richie. And Khloe Kardashian looks like Lionnel Richie’s bio daughter Sofia. Ergo, Lionel Richie is Khloe’s real dad. I’m not buying it. All I’m seeing is ergo Kris Jenner has forever been a scheming beast with a vagina. The evidence linking Lionel Richie to paternity is identical to what idiots like myself have been using to claim O.J. is the unholy chunk monkey’s real father. This is like Star Wars, but with ambitious money grubbing vacuous whores in the place of galactic rebels and imperialists. So actually just a little bit better.
Photo Credit: Getty/WhoWhatWear
By Lex September 10, 2014 @ 1:20 PM
At some point fat injected buttocks will become like tramp stamps, something that you thought was a signature statement of self-worth on your backside that now just looks like you used to fuck a lot of bikers. I know they assembly line a shot of centrifuged fat into your ass chaps each morning in the Kardashian house, like George Jetson being robotically dressed for work. But maybe if you’ve got Richard Seymour shoulders and your dad killed Ron Goldman you step off the conveyor belt after the horse tooth brushing and before the cartoonishly large hypodermic needle dips into your glutes. Khloe might think having a deformed ass is a Lifehack, but she also believes that airplanes take flight on good wishes and that Mayor McCheese should run for President.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex July 28, 2014 @ 2:29 PM
Nobody said dating a Muslim rapper was going to be easy, but Khloe Kardashian never asked for easy. Khloe’s been respecting the Ramadan restrictions of her boyfriend French Montana these past month, including no sex of any kind, outside of whoever he’s fucking on the side, naturally. Khloe admits she’s been frisky without her Moroccan mustang plowing her spacious meadows. Fuck, I just tasted my puke. She’s been teasing the hell out of him with her outrageously large and robust body in the manner that Hulk Hogan used to tease his floored opponents before the finishing leg drop. Ramadan is all about putting your faith to the test. Keeping your hands off that emotionally disturbed mammoth for a month can only bring you closer to your god.
By colin July 15, 2014 @ 7:01 AM
Khloe’s new boyfriend posted an Instagram photo of her Mothra egg shaped cans with the hashtag #asssscap. I can only imagine the look of pride on his face when he invented that hashtag. If any girl on Twitter sobbed to Khloe about her boyfriend posting her body part pictures online, Khloe would’ve bounced into action with no less than three trite inspirational poems and a plagiarized quote from Golda Meir about perseverance. But in this case Khloe conveniently defined French Montana’s post as a funny joke from the wonderful married guy and deadbeat dad she’s dating:
He is just funny. He’s light and it’s easy. That’s what I need right now. It’s fun. I like how he’s always happy. Smiles are infectious. They’re contagious. I like that.
You know what else is contagious? Everything he’s going to stick in that fat-injected artificial ass of yours. It’d be easy to feel sorry for Khloe for always choosing door number retarded in her life. But after a while, you do start rooting for the fox to eat Baby Huey and shit out his bow tie.
Photo credit: French Montana/Instagram
By Lex July 01, 2014 @ 9:33 AM
All Khloe Kardashian ever wanted was a famous black person with lots of jewelry to subjugate her and make O.J. some grandkids. Khloe’s always felt like the third wheel to her older sisters who were out there having sex on camera and making bastard babies and all the fun things the behaviorists who raised her in her basement doll house told her she was too big to do. After Lamar Odom refused to make her with child, it all seemed so hopeless. I mean, Lamar would fuck a goat on its period if he was high enough. Khloe went through a few guys and a lot of heartache, but with French Montana, I’m pretty sure she’s found the one. Just as long as everybody remembers not to tell Khloe that he isn’t black, there’s no reason this period of extreme bliss can’t go on for another six months.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, Splash
By Lex June 13, 2014 @ 12:14 PM
There’s nothing worse than making enough fuck you money to move out to The Hamptons only to have the Kardashians and their caravan of gleaming whore cubes riding into town. Just when you spent all that time ensuring the minorities were all kept at bay, here comes the little pregnant one and O.J.’s daughter with a production list of staged hijinks to run on the locals. It started with the big one flashing her ass on a public tennis court. It always starts that way. I’m pretty sure that’s how World War I began. Nobody in The Hamptons believes in war, so just expect a lot of social shunning and gossip.
Did you see Khloe’s ass today? I did. Do you think she’s going to fuck my husband? No. Yes. Maybe, I don’t know.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com