By Lex July 09, 2015 @ 10:52 AM
The Kardashian sisters stick together through their first three marriages and first five abortions. It’s liturgy repeated since their tween days deadlifting kettle-bells with their sphincter muscles in the family dojo. Seeing the fat injected sisters in tight white was like an erection gun for the inner city summer. Also, a green band trailer for those going to Armenian heaven. It we’d yanked their reproductive parts from the outset, this might be simply amusing. Walking away into the sunset is not an option. Leg shaking creampies into the gutter seems more realistic. Girls will be girls.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Matt May 28, 2015 @ 8:03 AM
Khloe Kardashian went to Dubai to negotiate the price of her future children’s virginity and donned a hijab, the traditional Muslim attire which is great at absorbing the force of thrown rocks. The photo stirred debate on Instagram, with some feeling Khloe was exploiting the traditional clothing, which is not meant to be a fashion accessory and is in fact a utilitarian product designed to double as a body bag in cases of false rape accusations. I don’t understand the problem here. If any of Dubai’s hyper orthodox prostitution ring community recognizes Khloe from the Western televisions they keep in their Spice Girl themed casinos she’s liable to be stoned to death in the street with private jet sized bottles of Patron and impostor Polo cologne. Next time reserve judgement. Eyes Wide Shut was a great film and now it’s been bastardized along with that sleeping bag on wheels the terrorists are fond of. A few lashes with an extension cord should do the trick. Then we’ll talk about the punishment.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt May 27, 2015 @ 6:36 AM
Lamar Odom appears to be over his smoking crack off the pocked marked asses of Thai hookers in motels phase. His rogue status may have cost him his NBA career, his house, and three nice sports cars, but he may be getting back his wife and bodyguard, Khloe Kardashian. The pair were headed for a divorce but the proceedings stalled due to a “lack of action” which is a legal term for Odom not being able to retain a lawyer willing to be paid in autographed Clippers jerseys. One of TMZ’s future cult casualty photographers caught up with Odom while entering a club which most certainly requires pat downs and Odom said Khloe is “still my girl.” There’s nothing more melancholy than a man headed into an establishment to find some anonymous pussy lamenting the large girl he let slip way. Khloe herself has made hints of getting back with Lamar again someday should he ever clean up his drug act and quit screaming out ‘whole hog!’ during sex. The reconciliation now must be left up to Fate, with final approval from E! TV producers who ultimately decide who everyone fucks or kills on the show.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex May 18, 2015 @ 12:47 PM
Stories planted by the Kardashian press team are hammering the point that Kris Jenner is in tears learning that her husband of two decades always wanted to be a real woman. That too was her dream. Kris has been locked in the war room at the Kardashian brothel feverishly planning to regain media attention from her ex-husband who is set to lop off his dick on national television. That’s like Copperfield making the elephant disappear. A game changer. Jenner dispatched the whorelets to the far reaches of the earth to flash their tits and ass and cloud the minds of the weak. Two more weeks of losses and she comes out with a working cock and announces she just took Obama’s daughter’s virginity. The younger one. Kris Jenner doesn’t know how to lose.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex April 30, 2015 @ 11:26 AM
Kylie Jenner dumped her older rapper boyfriend Tyga because Blac Chyna posted photos of dirty texts her ex boyfriend had sent her recently. Also, because he just tattooed Kylie’s name on his arm as a big fuck you to karma. Kylie’s non-gay vagina father chimed in with advice to his daughter that she ought to hear Tyga’s side of the story before breaking off their magnificent statutory rape relationship. Straight out of the Ward Cleaver playbook.
Now, Khloe Kardashian has advice for her little half sister on how to spot if her black celebrity boyfriend is cheating. It’s a four pronged protocol based on her own time with Lamar Odom who fucked half the Asian prostitutes in Los Angeles trying to drown out Khloe’s awkward sex squeal:
- Smell his clothes for female fragrances
- Go through his collared shirts to look for lipstick stains
- Adjust the passenger seat of his car to your own settings, if it’s changed the next time you get in the car, ask to see his dick immediately
- If he comes home and immediately takes a shower or bath, also ask to see his dick immediately.
It’s unclear what the seventeen year old is supposed to do once her boyfriend whips out his junk for inspection. Yell at it? You could swab for DNA I suppose. The Kardashians have their own basement lab where Khloe’s own genetic lineage is kept in a candy cane shaped vault. Somebody could give Kylie advice not to fuck older rappers with babies and vindictive ex-girlfriends. This is the time you wish that Baltimore mom was everybody’s mom. Whack whack. Your eye socket will heal, bitch. I love you enough to beat you away from your third abortion. That’s the one you take to your grave.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex April 24, 2015 @ 10:00 AM
With dad on the cusp of lopping off his giblets on live TV, Kris Jenner fell back on her favorite misdirection play, dress the girls up like prostitutes and take them out for a stroll. Jenner ran an algorithm of every single dress every single parent ever told their daughter they couldn’t leave the house in to fashion streetwalker wardrobes for her four girls. Kim was out searching for Rob before the press finds him and was unavailable for the evening. This shit’s insidious, but it works. The entire cadre of Hollywood paparazzi started shooting tits and ass even on the underaged one while not a word was spoken about Kris’ henpecking her former husband into a new vagina and gown. The evening was a huge success, save for the janitor who had to pressure wash the sticky snail trail that leaks behind the Kardashian pack on non-douche days.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Getty