Khloe Kardashian Junior Detective

By Lex April 30, 2015 @ 11:26 AM


Kylie Jenner dumped her older rapper boyfriend Tyga because Blac Chyna posted photos of dirty texts her ex boyfriend had sent her recently. Also, because he just tattooed Kylie’s name on his arm as a big fuck you to karma. Kylie’s non-gay vagina father chimed in with advice to his daughter that she ought to hear Tyga’s side of the story before breaking off their magnificent statutory rape relationship. Straight out of the Ward Cleaver playbook.

Now, Khloe Kardashian has advice for her little half sister on how to spot if her black celebrity boyfriend is cheating. It’s a four pronged protocol based on her own time with Lamar Odom who fucked half the Asian prostitutes in Los Angeles trying to drown out Khloe’s awkward sex squeal:

  • Smell his clothes for female fragrances
  • Go through his collared shirts to look for lipstick stains
  • Adjust the passenger seat of his car to your own settings, if it’s changed the next time you get in the car, ask to see his dick immediately
  • If he comes home and immediately takes a shower or bath, also ask to see his dick immediately.

It’s  unclear what the seventeen year old is supposed to do once her boyfriend whips out his junk for inspection. Yell at it? You could swab for DNA I suppose. The Kardashians have their own basement lab where Khloe’s own genetic lineage is kept in a candy cane shaped vault. Somebody could give Kylie advice not to fuck older rappers with babies and vindictive ex-girlfriends. This is the time you wish that Baltimore mom was everybody’s mom. Whack whack. Your eye socket will heal, bitch. I love you enough to beat  you away from your third abortion. That’s the one you take to your grave.

 Photo credit: Getty Images 

Kardashian Family Struggles With the Final Hours of Dad’s Penis

By Lex April 24, 2015 @ 10:00 AM

Kardashians And Jenners Go Out To Dinner Together
With dad on the cusp of lopping off his giblets on live TV, Kris Jenner fell back on her favorite misdirection play, dress the girls up like prostitutes and take them out for a stroll. Jenner ran an algorithm of every single dress every single parent ever told their daughter they couldn’t leave the house in to fashion streetwalker wardrobes for her four girls. Kim was out searching for Rob before the press finds him and was unavailable for the evening. This shit’s insidious, but it works. The entire cadre of Hollywood paparazzi started shooting tits and ass even on the underaged one while not a word was spoken about Kris’ henpecking her former husband into a new vagina and gown. The evening was a huge success, save for the janitor who had to pressure wash the sticky snail trail that leaks behind the Kardashian pack on non-douche days.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Getty

The Kardashian Genocide Episode

By Lex April 13, 2015 @ 10:53 AM

Kim Kardashian And Khloe Kardashian Visit The Armenian Genocide Memorial

Kim Kardashian and The Big One got decked out for a visit to the Armenian Genocide memorial, it was like their Oscars. Their reality show camera crew and entourage were kept at a respectful six foot distance in honor of the great loss of lives. Also, they were tired of being pelted by rocks and cigarette butts. Khloe imagined a world without chimichangas providing her the perfect single tear for the solemn moment. Being an extremely practical people, the Armenians understand their deal with the Kardashian devil to bring any attention to their native land. Armenian genocide wasn’t tracking on Google until the outlander whores arrived on private jet to film a few episodes. Track record says only horror and shame follows the Kardashian snail trail. Armenians have low built in expectations. History will call this a wash.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Khardashians Celebrate Genocide

By Lex April 09, 2015 @ 8:32 AM


The Kardashians headed to Armenia to honor the 100th anniversary of the 1915 Armenian genocide where anywhere from several hundred thousand to several million ethnic Armenians perished so that System of a Down could someday have arcane song lyrics. Genocide took a back seat on this day when Khloe Kardashian and Kim Kardashian and Kanye West and a camera crew landed in Armenia for a ten day trip visiting museums and memorials and seventh cousins who made themselves available for a family reunion when E! offered up unfiltered packs of Camels for anyone willing to hug Kanye on camera.

My husband and daughter came to Armenia as well to see my heritage and learn about my ancestors! My cousins came along too! So excited I can’t sleep. — Kim, on Instagram, our nation’s newspaper

In her previous thirty-four years, Kim’s jetted to pretty much every single other country in the hemisphere except for Armenia. It’s just been too precious too touch. Like her virginity. But now, it’s just the right time. Or when the camera guys says ‘rolling’. Imagine the connection when you learn that you’re great-aunt Marena was a prostitute who tea bagged village men in exchange for buckets of water from the less dirty well.

Armenian locals were originally miffed when they heard the Kardashian circus was coming to town during the Genocide memorial events until they realized Armenia was finally going to crack the Google Top 10,000 popular daily search terms. There’s principle and then there’s finally having tourists to sell some sweet and sour mustache wax.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Behold the Lesser Angels

By Lex April 06, 2015 @ 10:17 AM

Kendall Jenner And Khloe Kardashian Head To Church Curvy And Showy On Easter
Why not get decked out for the club when hitting Easter Sunday service. Did he not make your tits too? Many people criticize the Kardashians for looking like whores headed to church. I applaud them for their honesty. Hypocrisy is the only transgression that can’t be absolved in a house of worship. We are all God’s children. Some of the kids just like to fuck for money.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Khloe Kardashian, Friend to the Friendless

By Lex April 03, 2015 @ 1:13 PM


No matter how many times they run Khloe Kardashian through media training camp, she can’t pick up the smile and wave response protocol. It’s why the gossip reporters go after Khloe to comment on her semen coated family. She doesn’t give a particularly intelligent response, but she always feels compelled to say something reflexively simpleton about haters. As she did when asked about Jamie Foxx’s jokes on Bruce Jenner becoming a tranny at the iHeart Radio Awards:

I just think it’s a low blow. I think it’s very mean, but you know, I wish him all the best. It is what it is. I just think — and I know Jamie, so I think that’s also why that’s a really low blow, but hey. Guess that’s what he felt the need to do for a little press.

I agree with the Big One that the tranny jokes were out of place, especially when Bruce Jenner killed a woman a few weeks back and nobody in the media seemed to particularly care. Dick jokes are probably mildly funnier than dead old lady jokes but at least the family of the dead woman could’ve expressed outrage on Twitter. Until Khloe ate them. Every last fucking one of them. Defender of the realm.

Photo credit: Getty Images