By Lex February 26, 2015 @ 10:06 AM
The Kardashian billy goat gruffs are fond of repeating the mantra about never having plastic surgery, rotocast chest humps aside. What they fail to mention is the World War II level industrial complex engaged to plug their cavities with wax, collagen, Amazonian toad venom, pickled creamed herring, and tan bark. If you’ve ever seen a cement truck being filled at the yard, you have some visual idea of the upkeep on these quasi arthropodal blow beasts. Khloe Kardashians big frame is the last real thing on her body. Once she has all the bones in her body cracked so she can be reformed into a fashionable size, she will be more quikrete than human and stationed in her mother’s front yard as a tomb marker for the buried Kardashian fetuses, 2003-2007. Cinch a little tighter. We’re on a schedule.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Instagram
By Matt February 23, 2015 @ 6:32 AM
Every time you accidentally catch a glimpse of TMZ they’re reporting on a member of this family crashing a vehicle. Given this group is patently uninteresting and in desperate need of material I think it’s fair to posit they’re doing it on purpose like when a dog shits on the floor for attention. Kim, Khloe, Kylie were in Montana where they were supposedly skiing but were probably filming boring television on skis and constantly referencing that it’s cold out like we don’t get it. Their vehicle apparently skidded into oncoming traffic and swerved off the road but unfortunately nobody was hurt. Either TMZ has a source in Billings or these people are reporting their car accidents to tabloids before the police. Kim then alluded to the episode on Instagram:
“Thank you God for watching over us and keeping us safe.”
Actually your step fatherette just killed a person who doesn’t pray via social media. Maybe it’s all just random. Possibly skewed the other way towards premeditated. Banging black guys is no longer shocking. A fender bender is always a solid plot device. The shark has jumped over the mountain. If your family dies in a fiery blaze the funeral episode will be your highest rated. Something to think about. Just keep the bystanders out of it. They can still be saved.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex February 17, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Chick fights without hair pulling or ripping off shirts have an enjoyment cap set at mildly amusing. Amber Rose teed off on the Kardashian family the past couple of days because she has some pent up feelings about losing her man and also she’s been drinking. It all started in 2009 when a bunch of chicks with fake body parts and no jobs got on Twitter. But flash forward to Amber Rose calling Kylie Jenner a stupid kid for hooking up with rapper Tyga. Technically, I believe when you’re underaged and you’re fucking an old rapper with exes and babies you are pretty fucking stupid. Khloe Kardashian, the family heavy, stepped in to defend her little sister by pulling unflattering quotes her assistant found for her:
Khloe is normally pumped full of a barbiturates in regimen similar Kong in captivity. It’s unusual for her to engage. Amber Rose came back with the fact she was a stripper to support her family no different than Kim Kardashian is a whore to feed her family. She also made mention of the fact she was fucking Kanye before Kanye was fucking Kim, which I think is a point Amber Rose if you’re keeping score, but I’m not sure. It might be an own goal.
Khloe went on to preach how her entire family is reticent to ever use their extraordinary powers to hurt others and wishes the whole world was made of cheese so she could eat it. Amber Rose responded to Khloe’s bullshit self-evaluation by posting an old leaked picture of her own bare snatch, calling all the Kardashians whores, implying she might go fuck Khloe’s most recent boyfriend, and then insisting that O.J. is Khloe’s dad. You’re not going to fell Khloe Kardashian with a single lucky shot. Spray and cover.
Most people see this skirmish as the most juvenile war of words in the history of mankind. Few are similarly able to recognize it as the most intelligent conversation these two brain dead plumped up ass-tards have ever conducted. The glass is always half full when you’re drunk and stupid.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Lex January 30, 2015 @ 10:08 AM
The porn star, the large one, the model, and her British lesbian girlfriend all went to see Sam Smith in concert. God invented Sam Smith so that he could finally take Spandau Ballet into heaven. It’s a big to do when three or more Kardashians are in the same place at the same time. I believe the appropriate term for a group of Kardashians is a whoreling. After the show, Sam Smith allowed the girls to use him as a prop for their selfies as he gave them a few bars of his new sad song about when cock goes flaccid. Kim and Khloe just sighed, while Kendall and Cara finger banged each other and promised their love would be forever. Then somebody made a joke about it being a school night and everybody laughed and queefed.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt January 09, 2015 @ 7:33 AM
Rob Kardashian forgot his phone and his two thieving whore sisters used it to take selfies and posted them to his Instagram account as a prank. Except this isn’t real. Only half abandoned dropouts who were teething during The Love Boat could apply themselves and still come up with something this lame:
“I’m looking thru all of his text messages and WOW just WOW ladies.”
Wouldn’t any of the hypothetical texts in his phone be more interesting than your face, since we’ve seen all three of your holes too many times? Especially the worst one. At the very least he’s cheating on his diet or crying in the utility shed. There’s got to be some dirty in there. Maybe he killed JonBenet Ramsey. Still an improvement. Maybe he just convinced you to promote his Instagram account for him because nobody gives a shit. Equally as lame as the JonBenet thing. Have some respect next time Rob. The gun’s in the closet next to OJ’s bloody knife.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex December 31, 2014 @ 11:40 AM
Kendall Jenner in your harem for one evening runs you the annual salary of a decent utility infielder. You can book Khloe for your Vegas gig for a dozen tins of beef stroganoff. If you’ve ever spent New Year’s in Vegas, you know that 90% of the customer base is so wasted they won’t know which Kardashian you’re fronting at your club, let alone if she’s the famous Push Me Pull You the cab driver got greased to tell you is a must see in Vegas. It’s a shame that the technology has yet to be invented that can give Khloe the raw whore appeal of her sisters. Something to chat about when she visits her real dad at the Lovelock Correctional Center.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet