Kardashian Family Struggles With the Final Hours of Dad’s Penis

By Lex April 24, 2015 @ 10:00 AM

Kardashians And Jenners Go Out To Dinner Together
With dad on the cusp of lopping off his giblets on live TV, Kris Jenner fell back on her favorite misdirection play, dress the girls up like prostitutes and take them out for a stroll. Jenner ran an algorithm of every single dress every single parent ever told their daughter they couldn’t leave the house in to fashion streetwalker wardrobes for her four girls. Kim was out searching for Rob before the press finds him and was unavailable for the evening. This shit’s insidious, but it works. The entire cadre of Hollywood paparazzi started shooting tits and ass even on the underaged one while not a word was spoken about Kris’ henpecking her former husband into a new vagina and gown. The evening was a huge success, save for the janitor who had to pressure wash the sticky snail trail that leaks behind the Kardashian pack on non-douche days.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Getty

The Kardashian Genocide Episode

By Lex April 13, 2015 @ 10:53 AM

Kim Kardashian And Khloe Kardashian Visit The Armenian Genocide Memorial

Kim Kardashian and The Big One got decked out for a visit to the Armenian Genocide memorial, it was like their Oscars. Their reality show camera crew and entourage were kept at a respectful six foot distance in honor of the great loss of lives. Also, they were tired of being pelted by rocks and cigarette butts. Khloe imagined a world without chimichangas providing her the perfect single tear for the solemn moment. Being an extremely practical people, the Armenians understand their deal with the Kardashian devil to bring any attention to their native land. Armenian genocide wasn’t tracking on Google until the outlander whores arrived on private jet to film a few episodes. Track record says only horror and shame follows the Kardashian snail trail. Armenians have low built in expectations. History will call this a wash.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Khardashians Celebrate Genocide

By Lex April 09, 2015 @ 8:32 AM


The Kardashians headed to Armenia to honor the 100th anniversary of the 1915 Armenian genocide where anywhere from several hundred thousand to several million ethnic Armenians perished so that System of a Down could someday have arcane song lyrics. Genocide took a back seat on this day when Khloe Kardashian and Kim Kardashian and Kanye West and a camera crew landed in Armenia for a ten day trip visiting museums and memorials and seventh cousins who made themselves available for a family reunion when E! offered up unfiltered packs of Camels for anyone willing to hug Kanye on camera.

My husband and daughter came to Armenia as well to see my heritage and learn about my ancestors! My cousins came along too! So excited I can’t sleep. — Kim, on Instagram, our nation’s newspaper

In her previous thirty-four years, Kim’s jetted to pretty much every single other country in the hemisphere except for Armenia. It’s just been too precious too touch. Like her virginity. But now, it’s just the right time. Or when the camera guys says ‘rolling’. Imagine the connection when you learn that you’re great-aunt Marena was a prostitute who tea bagged village men in exchange for buckets of water from the less dirty well.

Armenian locals were originally miffed when they heard the Kardashian circus was coming to town during the Genocide memorial events until they realized Armenia was finally going to crack the Google Top 10,000 popular daily search terms. There’s principle and then there’s finally having tourists to sell some sweet and sour mustache wax.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Behold the Lesser Angels

By Lex April 06, 2015 @ 10:17 AM

Kendall Jenner And Khloe Kardashian Head To Church Curvy And Showy On Easter
Why not get decked out for the club when hitting Easter Sunday service. Did he not make your tits too? Many people criticize the Kardashians for looking like whores headed to church. I applaud them for their honesty. Hypocrisy is the only transgression that can’t be absolved in a house of worship. We are all God’s children. Some of the kids just like to fuck for money.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Khloe Kardashian, Friend to the Friendless

By Lex April 03, 2015 @ 1:13 PM


No matter how many times they run Khloe Kardashian through media training camp, she can’t pick up the smile and wave response protocol. It’s why the gossip reporters go after Khloe to comment on her semen coated family. She doesn’t give a particularly intelligent response, but she always feels compelled to say something reflexively simpleton about haters. As she did when asked about Jamie Foxx’s jokes on Bruce Jenner becoming a tranny at the iHeart Radio Awards:

I just think it’s a low blow. I think it’s very mean, but you know, I wish him all the best. It is what it is. I just think — and I know Jamie, so I think that’s also why that’s a really low blow, but hey. Guess that’s what he felt the need to do for a little press.

I agree with the Big One that the tranny jokes were out of place, especially when Bruce Jenner killed a woman a few weeks back and nobody in the media seemed to particularly care. Dick jokes are probably mildly funnier than dead old lady jokes but at least the family of the dead woman could’ve expressed outrage on Twitter. Until Khloe ate them. Every last fucking one of them. Defender of the realm.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Khloe Kardashian Waist Training

By Lex February 26, 2015 @ 10:06 AM

Khloe Kardashian Waist Training
The Kardashian billy goat gruffs are fond of repeating the mantra about never having plastic surgery, rotocast chest humps aside. What they fail to mention is the World War II level industrial complex engaged to plug their cavities with wax, collagen, Amazonian toad venom, pickled creamed herring, and tan bark. If you’ve ever seen a cement truck being filled at the yard, you have some visual idea of the upkeep on these quasi arthropodal blow beasts. Khloe Kardashians big frame is the last real thing on her body. Once she has all the bones in her body cracked so she can be reformed into a fashionable size, she will be more quikrete than human and stationed in her mother’s front yard as a tomb marker for the buried Kardashian fetuses, 2003-2007. Cinch a little tighter. We’re on a schedule.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Instagram