Outside of a chunky tranny with a fetish for butt sex in constrictive clothing, it’s hard to imagine who would want to trade identities with Kim Kardashian. I guess the answer is Luis Flores. Jr., an ambitious teenager in Florida who was using Kim’s personal credentials to order replacement credit cards and raid her bank account. This same precocious teen was also stealing from Michelle Obama and Bill Gates and Joe Biden, none of which is as risky as getting between a Kardashian and her cash. Authorities became suspicious when large dollar wire transfers from Kris Jenner started showing up in Flores’ Florida bank without any reason to believe he was one of the people around the world being paid off by Kris to cover up disturbing Kardashian family scandals. The kids mom is also going to jail for helping him cover up his crimes. In a way, a very nice homage to the Kardashian family. Now, Kim has her identity back, which from photos appears to weigh about 25 extra pounds, and Luis Flores Jr. will have plenty of time to consider how fucking Kim is free, but fucking her over costs you three years in lockup.
Kim Kardashian made a splash on Jimmy Kimmel last night, mostly to show the advancements in girdle technology that allow her to look less like a chattering crocus bulb. Being a talk show, Kim had to rehearse some spoken words beyond just ‘Kanye, go kill him!’ and ‘I get five dollars to make you holler, Mister”. So she played sympathetic sister, speaking of how badly broken Khloe Kardashian was by discovering that the man she knew for nearly four hours before marriage was secretly a crack smoking whoremonger with mental health issues. Kim insisted that despite what you saw on the show, Khloe never really wanted to make a baby with Lamar because she knew he was troubled. So, all those sympathetic condolences from her family on her lack of pregnancy, and those trips to the fertility clinics, Khloe actually skipped those. Well don’t I feel pretty fucking stupid for sobbing along with Khloe’s barren womb all these years. I don’t know what to believe anymore.
With the Kardashians, it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s faked for the cameras. I go with the rule that not a goddamn thing anybody in that family has done has been real since Robert hid the knife for Khloe’s bio dad. Nevertheless, they keep pumping out social media content like it’s non-fiction, including their family Christmas party with the theme of ‘naughty’. It’d be easy to suggest that the only time the Kardashians are the least bit real is when they’re being all slutty, but they can’t even do that honestly. Kris fucked up their chances to be decent self-hating tramps, in favor of self-aware moneymaking business girls. They’re about as sexually vibrant as the sore-ridden abuela in Tijuana giving sailors hummers while stirring the bean pot for her family’s dinner. Still, these photos make good recruitment tools for Al Qaeda. Death to the West.
Photo Credit: Instagram
According to Kris Jenner, who will do anything or say anything for cash or Lotto scratchers, she’s really been impressed with how her daughter Khloe has handled her pending divorce with such grace and strength. We’ve always known Khloe possessed superhuman strength of Ben Grimm, but that grace part would be new. While providing pre-approved quotable copy for the journalists at People magazine, Kris continued to note the upsides of Khloe’s current ‘cleanse’:
“It’s definitely life lessons that she will be able to apply and use later in her life,”
By that Kris Jenner means that if she charts like the other Kardashians, Khloe will divorce at least thrice more before her next bone-bending facelift to make her look less like O.J.
For her part, Khloe made her first public comments on Twitter, where she apparently works full-time days.
This, in and of itself, is heart breaking and torture to my soul. Please, I don’t need the extra rumors and BS right now.
Khloe was referring to the rumors that she’s dating Matt Kemp of the L.A. Dodgers. She could just go upstairs and ask her mom to stop selling the Kemp stories to the press, but asking her audience of several million emotionally retarded fans seemed to make more sense. When the cleansing is complete, she’ll probably think straighter.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, INFphoto.com
I know what you’re thinking. What now for the stomach cancer charity that donated no money to stomach cancer? Exactly. This divorce is going to have ramifications well past the special Keeping Up With the Kardashians episode where Khloe cries and coins gush out of Kris Jenner’s vagina as she imagines the ratings boom. Khloe filed for divorce today, citing irreconcilable differences. Among those differences was Lamar preferring crack and skinny street whores to the loss of sensation in his legs each night Khloe rolled around on top of him screeching like the world’s largest parrot about being a pretty girl. It’s always the little things that go unspoken that kill a marriage. The divorce is expected to go about as smoothly as any financial proceedings involving remarkably greedy, self-interested, bastards can.
Lamar Odom got slapped with three years probation after he plead no contest to a DUI. Odom’s been in trouble with the law before, and a notorious crack-whore delighter, but given that he had to spend four years having sex with Khloe Kardashian, the court kind of took mercy on his soul. In true celebrity justice form, Odom was also sentenced to three month alcohol education, where he will learn such things as how to mix a proper martini and how many gallons of hooch it will take until he forever forgets what Khloe’s furry snatchball looked like in those crotchless panties she wore for their first-hand job anniversary. Remember when coach told you to just focus on basketball? Why didn’t you listen?