I’d have to blame my weekend of a massive toothache and regret at how crappy my fantasy football draft went for riling up Khloe Kardashinan this weekend. This is the weekend where somebody happened to start leaking stories to TMZ about Lamar being a drug addict and Khloe trying desperately to be his savior. The perfectly crafted victim’s tale. I wonder where that shit came from? Somebody had to call her on it. The waddling China doll of a positive-messaging machine finally cracked and dropped an F-bomb on Twitter. This goes well outside her approved ‘sugarbuns and lollipops’ inspirational voice messaging tone approved by her wranglers. I’m quite certain she’s not getting oats in her stall tonight.
The Kris Jenner show did reasonably well in opening weeks as Kris kept insinuating that Kim and her baby would be on the show to spike interest among the bored housewives and trainables that form the core of her fan base. But since that time, ratings have been slipping as even the morons have tired of trying to count the plastic surgery rings on Kris’ face to approximate her age. Kris tried to turn things around by bringing Khloe on the show to sumo wrestle. It wasn’t really a fair fight thanks to Khloe’s eight stone weight advantage and gravity. I would have committed to a week’s worth of watching if Khloe had consumed her kill after pinning her to the ground.
The role of big sister truly is like a second mother. Which placed Kourtney Kardashian in the position of consoling her little sister Khloe in her time of marital strife. Not so much marital strife as her husband banging tons of other women. But when you don’t want Khloe angry and stomping on Tokyo, you call it marital strife. The sisters shopped and gabbed about Kourtney’s child’s legally questioned paternity, how cute Kim’s little bastard baby is, and who little half-sister Kylie could fuck to get in the news now that she’s turned sixteen. Then Khloe bought a $3000 purse she intends to fill with fantastical happy thoughts and possibly the live beating hearts of the women who have known her husband biblically.
Photo Credit: PCN
According to defense attorney, Polina Polonsky, she and Lamar Odom fell ‘in love’ this past June, causing them to spend lots of alone time together at her apartment and various hotel and motel rooms around L.A. The two lovers on the run were ever just one step ahead of a berserking Khloe Kardashian who smashed in hotel room doors at at least two locations while on the hunt for Lamar and his new skeez. I don’t know whether or not to believe Polansky’s accounts but she sure kept very detailed notes (and reportedly passed a polygraph):
July 13 – Khloe shows up 5:30 in the morning and starts banging on the door of the room Lamar and Polina were sharing at the Vagabond Inn. While Khloe was screaming outside the door and making a scene, Lamar was calling someone to come and get her. Paulina says Khloe charged into the room and started swinging at her. Lamar had to grab Khloe by her hoodie to restrain her and pull her back. Lamar took Khloe into the hallway and,Polina shut the door for her own safety, but could hear them screaming and cursing at each other in the hall. She banged on the door and told them to leave before they got arrested.
I don’t know if it’s true, but it’s really fucking funny. Khloe’s family denies the allegations and the person who pretends to be Khloe on Twitter has doubled her output of mindlessly positive droll. It’s been a tough time for Khloe of late, with losing her job on X-Factor due to the scourge of illiteracy, not being able to have a bastard baby of her own like her sisters, and now a cheating man. Still, you know Khloe can turn this around into a ghost written top seller. Something about growing from pain and life lessons learned. Khloe: Better than Ever. Just in time for holiday gift buying season.
Khloe’s really proud of her weight loss. She told all the Internet haters she was going to do it, and she did it. All it took was thirty days in the starvation chamber at the Kardashian compound where the plaintive wails of the hungry are drowned out by noise of Kris Jenner’s money counting machines. Still, I wouldn’t go tight leather dress just yet, Khloe. There are haters out there who are going to bring out the cow jokes.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
Lamar met all the other criteria for dipping his wick elsewhere before today. He’s an NBA baller, so right there you got your 98% chance of infidelity. He’s forced to humiliate himself for his wife’s stupid reality TV show career. And, his lady’s got a little problem laying off the carbs. Faced with that backdrop, rumors of Lamar doinking a D.C. stripper seemed right on point. And, today, they appear to be sealed. With release of this video of Lamar being asked about the stripper by a paparazzi. Rather than say, oh, I don’t know, ‘I love my wife and these rumors are outrageous’, Lamar instead decided to go Mickey Rourke crazy on the paparazzi, grabbing up all his camera shit and tossing it around the streets. This reaction could mean many things. Like, Lamar is having his monthly. Or he believes that photographs are sinister inventions of the devil designed to steal his soul. But it mostly means that Lamar is cheating on Khloe.
(If you know that the photo above shows Khloe and Lamar pushing their ‘Unbreakable Bond’ fragrance, you know way too much about the Kardashians. Also, you can have an extra ironic chuckle.)