By Lex November 24, 2014 @ 9:48 AM
Teens, old chicks, strange foreign chicks with pasties who nobody remembers inviting. All the girls went braless last night at the American Music Awards. After watching two minutes of sunken eyed anorexics talking fashion on E!, I discovered braless is a new style trend. I suppose it’s better than tiny hats. The Jenner girls don’t belong at a music awards show, but you ditch the bra and you’re on every short list, including the Cosby mentor program speed dial.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex November 14, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
If you’re going for the passed around the reef mermaid look, you could do worse than Kylie Jenner’s new hair extension line. Kylie stood next to her sister Kim with every indicator of a twinsies moment save for Kylie hoisting a Cali license plate I2WHORE. Outside of cancer patients and background dancers for Christina Aguilera, I’m not sure why hair extensions exist. I understand tit jobs, but I’m not sure many rich dudes are looking at artificial hair and thinking, fuck, I’d like to empty my back account for that long tressed babe. If only Kylie had stuck with school past the seventh grade. She could at least have a working knowledge of how her mother was misappropriating her paychecks.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex November 11, 2014 @ 9:07 AM
Khloe Kardashian employed some kind of Interstellar McConaughey quantum physics to show off her tits and legs and still be strapped into sixty-four percent restrictive girdle containment at a sponsored birthday party for her maybe boyfriend, French Montana. Khloe had been dating the rapper until one of her sisters told Khloe he wasn’t black and she felt betrayed and consumed an entire Marie Callender’s. Now she’s gassy and ready to land a decent man with failure to pay child support judgements to introduce to her real father before he dies alone in a Nevada prison. Khloe didn’t ask for this whore’s life, she was born into it. I’ll give her a break if she puts her undercrackers back on.
Photo Credit: Splash/Instagram
By Lex November 07, 2014 @ 11:05 AM
Kris Jenner spent the first twenty years of her marriage cuckolding her second husband and the last two bitching about his unwillingness to ponytail penetrate her vaginaplastied shrew twat. The thought of having sex with an older woman doesn’t bother me at all. The thought of banging Kris Jenner even in the most hateful of ways makes me want to vomit the gum I swallowed in grade school. Somehow and for some amount of Bitcoin, Kris managed to secure a young guy who works for Justin Bieber’s management team to diddle her rancid bean.
Kris has a very strong sexual appetite and she says she’s basically been starving for sex Her sex life with Bruce died a long time ago, she’s had some hook-ups here and there but this is the first time that she’s been having regular sex in years and she can’t stop bragging about it.
There goes my fucking gum. Kris wanted to introduce her man to the girls and compare black guy penis stories so she rang the whore bell and everyone showed up for lunch in Beverly Hills. You’ll have to wait until next season’s KUWTK to know exactly how this relationship pans out. Or you can park high atop Calabasas and wait for the screams of ‘I pay you to finish on my melanoma, Toby!’ to waft across the hills.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex October 16, 2014 @ 1:16 PM
In an explosive new piece of stunningly unsourced journalism, In Touch Magazine is reporting that Lionel Richie might be Khloe Kardashian’s real father. Their evidence? Kris Jenner fucked a lot of rich black dudes back in the 80′s while she was not fucking her husband Dead Robert Kardashian. The In Touch source says one of those midday lays was Lionel Richie. And Khloe Kardashian looks like Lionnel Richie’s bio daughter Sofia. Ergo, Lionel Richie is Khloe’s real dad. I’m not buying it. All I’m seeing is ergo Kris Jenner has forever been a scheming beast with a vagina. The evidence linking Lionel Richie to paternity is identical to what idiots like myself have been using to claim O.J. is the unholy chunk monkey’s real father. This is like Star Wars, but with ambitious money grubbing vacuous whores in the place of galactic rebels and imperialists. So actually just a little bit better.
Photo Credit: Getty/WhoWhatWear
By Lex September 10, 2014 @ 1:20 PM
At some point fat injected buttocks will become like tramp stamps, something that you thought was a signature statement of self-worth on your backside that now just looks like you used to fuck a lot of bikers. I know they assembly line a shot of centrifuged fat into your ass chaps each morning in the Kardashian house, like George Jetson being robotically dressed for work. But maybe if you’ve got Richard Seymour shoulders and your dad killed Ron Goldman you step off the conveyor belt after the horse tooth brushing and before the cartoonishly large hypodermic needle dips into your glutes. Khloe might think having a deformed ass is a Lifehack, but she also believes that airplanes take flight on good wishes and that Mayor McCheese should run for President.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI