By Lex April 11, 2014 @ 3:51 PM
Khloe Kardashian might be soupy in the intellect, but she knows what wins in the Kardashian family — dating thuggish black rappers into Versace. She tried following Kim’s lead into black athletes only to land the world’s biggest coke fiend. Now, she’s bagged French Montana who I immediately confused with Laurence Fisburne’s porn star daughter, Montana. When you’re a big shot rhymer, you’re going to earn some enemies, like the guy who shot French in the head ten years ago. Also, his ex-wife who has been using the press to warn Khloe that her baby daddy left her and their son the minute he got famous, wasn’t willing to pay child support, and was generally just a giant a-hole. French hardly ever sees his son; he didn’t even visit when the four year old was in the hospital:
But opportunistic love triumphs all in Khloe’s family. Though the Senior Kardashian Counsel on Making Even More Money has yet to fully vet French Montana as to his reality show and merchandising worthiness.
‘The whole family is worried,’ a friend of Khloé’s tells Life & Style. ‘They think she’s headed down the same path she did with her ex, Lamar Odom.’
Besides running a rap label called Cocaine City Records, being an absentee parent, and hanging with strippers and drug dealers, what reminds you of Lamar? Khloe may never conceive of an original thought in her life, but she does innately understand that her mom doesn’t love her as much as her legitimate born first two daughters. She’s got to do something. And something stupid is better than nothing, right? Once O.J. dies and Kris Jenner’s horrible secret dies with him, it really might be time to put Khloe down.
By Lex March 31, 2014 @ 12:46 PM
Khloe Kardashian looks great, in a salted Bavarian pretzel twisted kind of way. But what’s really behind Khloe’s new compelling yeti figure? Is it all the calories burned posing as an underaged girl in the pretend version of To Catch a Predator she acts out in her bedroom each night? No, sir, it’s love. Only true love has the power to contort Khloe into a spastic looking plus sized stripper. Girls on the Internet who follow Khloe because they’re too timid to cut themselves have gone aflutter with Khloe’s latest weight loss and the caption on her socially shared swimsuit photo:
“And then my soul saw you……”
Who isn’t assuming that means Khloe has found the new man of her dreams after the last man of her dreams locked himself in a crack whore motel for six months of tempting The AIDS gods. I bet this new guy is simply amazing. He might even let Khloe uses her iPhone to check Twitter while spanking her ass and making her talk about what Kendall looks like naked. I see nothing but upside in Khloe’s future. She is the captain.
Photo Credit: Khloe Kardashian/Instagram
By Travis March 27, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Joan Rivers enlisted Ray J’s help to make a spoof of Kim Kardashian’s sex tape, because it’s not like he has anything better to do than to continue sucking the dust out of the corpse of the one thing that made him famous seven years ago. But even though it was that sex tape that made the Kardashians stars in the first place, TMZ thinks that all of them are still furious whenever people bring it up, and that’s why Khloe Kardashian backed out on a guest host gig on Joan’s show Fashion Police at the last second. Khloe must have only agreed to do it because it’s an E! show, because Joan has always loved being a bitch to the Kardashians, so this isn’t anything new. But she also probably agreed to do it because it’s on TV, and these girls would hump a pack of donkeys in the center of Tijuana if it meant five more minutes of fame.
By Lex March 10, 2014 @ 5:43 PM
There are many ways to define the word hero. But if you’re my wingman when I hit on Kendall Jenner and you can maneuver her San Francisco Bay Bombers half-sister ten paces stage right, you are the fucking wind beneath my wings. I know somewhere in this world Lamar Odom is checking this out and weeping for the fine piece of ass he left behind. Which just goes to show the extent to which crack will fuck with your mind.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex March 06, 2014 @ 2:12 PM
The E! Channel has arranged for Khloe Kardashian to guest host their canned laugh track gay squeezer Chelsea Lately while Chelsea Handler is on her BBC adventure staycation. Khloe makes perfect sense as she’s both been fired from her remedial X-Factor teleprompter reading gig and helped co-host her mother’s talk show which crashed and burned miserably in its first run. Still, networks love synergy between their shows, which is shorthand for Khloe costs nothing since she’s already paid to be the troubled fat one on KUWTK. To celebrate the great news that she’d not really earned another job on television, Khloe posted her first ever Vine video. The quick clip shows her body being rubbed down with self-tanner so her tits will glow on television. There’s really no light brighter than the twinkle in the eye of a mildly-retarded girl when she’s told to take off her top for the cameras. I just hope OJ gets to see this before he passes.
Photo Credit: Khloe Kardashian/Vine
By Lex February 25, 2014 @ 4:01 PM
Khloe Kardashian may be built like a WWII era German flak tower, but there’s no such thing as a completely impenetrable fortress. An intoxicated Bigfoot hunter wrapped up Khloe from behind as she tried to make her way into Miley’s Bangerz tour. How Khloe’s bodyguards let this potential Sirhan Sirhan lay his paws upon her fecund expanse is something of a mystery. It’s a failure of the very name of their professional occupation. I’d think Khloe qualifies for some kind of Secret Service detail given her inherent importance to the retarded girl social media food chain, Khloe’s inane complimentary tweets about every musical artist who gives her free close-up tickets to their shows keeps several key sectors of our consumer economy booming. Khloe’s the Harry Knowles of bubble gum pop. If she stopped shaving for a couple weeks, you’d really get that analogy.
Photo credit: Splash News