By Lex December 18, 2014 @ 8:42 AM
America used to be the enterprising bad-asses on the the block. The John Wayne drawling and piece-carrying peace makers who capture the horse thieves then made love to the beautiful women while still stinking of the range. Now we’ve been hobbled by some tiny dictator who loves cheesecake bites and clipping his toenails to Matchbox 20 songs. North Korea just showed some serious fucking balls. They got a bug up their ass about a passable Seth Rogen and James Franco comedy and they did something about it. They killed it. Then they punished the people who made it. You can lament them as poor global citizens and extortionists and terrorists all you want, they swept the leg and took home the All-Valley Karate Championship trophy.
This won’t be seen around the world as some nebbishes in Hollywood caving to hackers. This will be seen as North Korea 1, America 0. Obama should’ve stepped in here at some point and called Amy Pascal at Sony and said, you tell North Korea to bugger off and you keep this picture rolling out, and then we’re even on all that 12 Years a Slave Obama be Sambo nonsense. Fuck, I’m not sure people realize how sad a day this is for America.
By Matt December 08, 2014 @ 6:28 AM
North Korea has issued a statement denying it was responsible for the hack into Sony Pictures which proved everyone hates Adam Sandler. The news came as a surprise to nobody since it’s obvious there are no computers more advanced than the Commodore 64 in North Korea. Kim Jong un and some of his foot soldier drones are pissed because Sony’s upcoming James Franco/Seth Rogen movie The Interview is a lighthearted take on assassinating him. The statement from North Korea’s state run media agency and military uniform laundry facility reads:
“We do not know where in America the Sony Pictures is situated and for what wrongdoings it became the target of the attack, nor (do) we feel the need to know about it. But what we clearly know is that the Sony Pictures is the very one which was going to produce a film abetting a terrorist act while hurting the dignity of the supreme leadership of North Korea.”
If they can’t Google ‘Sony Pictures address’ I’m going to assume they aren’t super skilled at hacking. Still, some cyber experts say there is similarity between the code used to hack Sony and some other hacking incidents which have been sympathetic to North Korea. This proves my long held conspiracy theory that Communists don’t have a great sense of humor, and that Sandler, Franco, and Rogen are indeed the top three reasons the terrorists hate us. I should say, the top three valid reasons.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt October 10, 2014 @ 9:20 AM
A North Korean mouthpiece says Kim Jong Un has not been seen in over a month because he hurt his leg taking part in military exercises. If this is true it could explain his absence since North Korean doctors have never before treated or seen a fat person and usually mercy kill anyone with a sore throat. The report seems suspicious, mostly because it attempts to conjure up the coolest possible way to become injured:
“He ordered all the generals to take part in drills and he took part too. They were crawling and running and rolling around, and he pulled a tendon… He injured his ankle and knee around late August or early September while drilling because he is overweight. He limped around in the beginning but the injury worsened.”
I’m no doctor, but when you pull a tendon you are supposed to rest it. Then it gets better. Given that Un professionally rests to begin with, this explanation is bullshit. Maybe he has an infection and will resurface with a peg leg, which would be a whimsical development on the diplomatic front. My guess is he posing as a traveling Korean businessman and is currently receiving decent medical care at a hospital in Los Angeles. where a scraped knees doesn’t mean grim death from gangrene. I hope at least one doctor recognizes him and surgically implants an electric buzzer we can remotely activate from the States while Un gives his ceremonial speeches to his starving population. Dance, Supreme Leader, dance.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt October 08, 2014 @ 6:33 AM
The gloriously retarded Great Leader Kim Jong Un has not been seen publicly in over a month. Speculation in North Korea is running rampant that he may be ill. Also that someone invented a flying machine. Both notions have been discredited by the state run newspaper. Un has had most of his enemies within North Korea killed by hungry dogs, although it’s possible he assassinated people who merely looked a lot like his enemies.
North Korean officials issued a statement that basically translates to, he’s fine, now shut the fuck up or go to labor camp. Un’s disappearance comes amid optimistic diplomatic times for North Korea leading to speculation that action film Liam Neeson may have offed the Great Leader to allow for a less fatty boy in short pants leadership to emerge. In North Korea, you don’t just disappear for a month. There’s truly nowhere to go for a month. It’s like Nevada. You can count on a one month disappearance turning into a several decades long absence explained by Un volunteering himself for the first manned journey to Mars aboard a great North Korean spacecraft built entirely out of the country’s finest rice paper.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt July 21, 2014 @ 2:24 PM
North Korea is demanding a video of Kim Jong Un’s superimposed head be removed from the Internet. Apparently North Korean officials do not understand how the world wide web works because they are still developing ice boxes and water closets. They released a statement saying the video “seriously compromises Kim’s dignity and authority“. This is pretty much the same thing they said about the James Franco and Seth Rogen movie so I’m thinking it’s time for a new English language spokesperson.
Kim’s dignity is primarily compromised by his creepy baby hands and crimes against humanity. Also, being friends with Dennis Rodman. If you don’t want people assuming your dick is the size of a red hot tamale then you cannot get pissed about silly youtube videos. Obamas in there too. You think he’s whining to ICANN in Switzerland? No, he’s just having the NSA track down the video creators so they can be sent 20,000 unsold copies of Dreams from My Father as the ultimate prank.
With Kim being unable to grasp basic diplomatic strategies regarding cheap superimposed videos it’s no wonder he runs a failed prison state. If Kim cared to check out Youtube through his country’s filtered dial up service he would probably see there are tons of videos depicting North Korea’s vast prison camp system. Any good dictator knows you capture, torture, and behead the documentarians before you go after the bored North Korean college kids with 2002 Macromedia Flash.
By Lex March 27, 2014 @ 3:40 PM
I’m still sometimes baffled that North Korea is a real country. Outside of Middle Eastern countries dealing for their weapons in James Bond movies, nobody really purchase anything it produces, save for it’s reluctant big brother, China. It’s basically a Fred Flintstone quarry pit manned by forced labor. I bet its Farmer’s Markets suck too. No ponies and kettle corn, just emaciated peasants singing state sanctioned songs. If you’re lucky enough to pass the smart test to go to the University, where I’m sure the keggers are outlandish, you now have been officially ordered to get a Kim Jong Un crappy haircut. That’s just for the men, the women are still being allowed to choose from one of three fashionable Korean lesbian ladies of the 1980 Summer Olympic Games looks. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if The Great Leader had a great do. But apparently his haircut is referred to by anonymous commenters still wanting to live as the Chinese Smuggler look. I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I can guess it’s not a popular request at Fantastic Sam’s. The saving grace is that you can still shave your head when lice inevitably strikes the dorms. So if you feel that telling itch, don’t scratch, let those little maggots burrow in nice and tight and you’ll be sporting the far more fashionable scabby shaved head in no time. Ah, to be young and in North Korea in the spring time.
Photo credit: Getty Images