Kim Jong Un Gimpy

By Matt October 10, 2014 @ 9:20 AM

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A North Korean mouthpiece says Kim Jong Un has not been seen in over a month because he hurt his leg taking part in military exercises. If this is true it could explain his absence since North Korean doctors have never before treated or seen a fat person and usually mercy kill anyone with a sore throat. The report seems suspicious, mostly because it attempts to conjure up the coolest possible way to become injured:

“He ordered all the generals to take part in drills and he took part too. They were crawling and running and rolling around, and he pulled a tendon… He injured his ankle and knee around late August or early September while drilling because he is overweight. He limped around in the beginning but the injury worsened.”

I’m no doctor, but when you pull a tendon you are supposed to rest it. Then it gets better. Given that Un professionally rests to begin with, this explanation is bullshit. Maybe he has an infection and will resurface with a peg leg, which would be a whimsical development on the diplomatic front. My guess is he posing as a traveling Korean businessman and is currently receiving decent medical care at a hospital in Los Angeles. where a scraped knees doesn’t mean grim death from gangrene. I hope at least one doctor recognizes him and surgically implants an electric buzzer we can remotely activate from the States while Un gives his ceremonial speeches to his starving population. Dance, Supreme Leader, dance.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Kim Jong Un May Be Un Living

By Matt October 08, 2014 @ 6:33 AM

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The gloriously retarded Great Leader Kim Jong Un has not been seen publicly in over a month. Speculation in North Korea is running rampant that he may be ill. Also that someone invented a flying machine. Both notions have been discredited by the state run newspaper. Un has had most of his enemies within North Korea killed by hungry dogs, although it’s possible he assassinated people who merely looked a lot like his enemies.

North Korean officials issued a statement that basically translates to, he’s fine, now shut the fuck up or go to labor camp. Un’s disappearance comes amid optimistic diplomatic times for North Korea leading to speculation that action film Liam Neeson may have offed the Great Leader to allow for a less fatty boy in short pants leadership to emerge. In North Korea, you don’t just disappear for a month. There’s truly nowhere to go for a month. It’s like Nevada. You can count on a one month disappearance turning into a several decades long absence explained by Un volunteering himself for the first manned journey to Mars aboard a great North Korean spacecraft built entirely out of the country’s finest rice paper.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Kim Jong Un Is Un-Happy (VIDEO)

By Matt July 21, 2014 @ 2:24 PM

North Korea is demanding a video of Kim Jong Un’s superimposed head be removed from the Internet. Apparently North Korean officials do not understand how the world wide web works because they are still developing ice boxes and water closets. They released a statement saying the video ”seriously compromises Kim’s dignity and authority“. This is pretty much the same thing they said about the James Franco and Seth Rogen movie so I’m thinking it’s time for a new English language spokesperson.

Kim’s dignity is primarily compromised by his creepy baby hands and crimes against humanity. Also, being friends with Dennis Rodman. If you don’t want people assuming your dick is the size of a red hot tamale then you cannot get pissed about silly youtube videos. Obamas in there too. You think he’s whining to ICANN in Switzerland? No, he’s just having the NSA track down the video creators so they can be sent 20,000 unsold copies of Dreams from My Father as the ultimate prank.

With Kim being unable to grasp basic diplomatic strategies regarding cheap superimposed videos it’s no wonder he runs a failed prison state. If Kim cared to check out Youtube through his country’s filtered dial up service he would probably see there are tons of videos depicting North Korea’s vast prison camp system. Any good dictator knows you capture, torture, and behead the documentarians before you go after the bored North Korean college kids with 2002 Macromedia Flash.

The Kim Jong Un Cut Suddenly Becomes Popular in North Korea

By Lex March 27, 2014 @ 3:40 PM

I’m still sometimes baffled that North Korea is a real country. Outside of Middle Eastern countries dealing for their weapons in James Bond movies, nobody really purchase anything it produces, save for it’s reluctant big brother, China. It’s basically a Fred Flintstone quarry pit manned by forced labor. I bet its Farmer’s Markets suck too. No ponies and kettle corn, just emaciated peasants singing state sanctioned songs. If you’re lucky enough to pass the smart test to go to the University, where I’m sure the keggers are outlandish, you now have been officially ordered to get a Kim Jong Un crappy haircut. That’s just for the men, the women are still being allowed to choose from one of three fashionable Korean lesbian ladies of the 1980 Summer Olympic Games looks. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if The Great Leader had a great do. But apparently his haircut is referred to by anonymous commenters still wanting to live as the Chinese Smuggler look. I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I can guess it’s not a popular request at Fantastic Sam’s. The saving grace is that you can still shave your head when lice inevitably strikes the dorms. So if you feel that telling itch, don’t scratch, let those little maggots burrow in nice and tight and you’ll be sporting the far more fashionable scabby shaved head in no time. Ah, to be young and in North Korea in the spring time.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Kim Jong Un Ordered His Uncle Eaten By Hunting Dogs

By Lex January 03, 2014 @ 7:13 PM

Every dog will have his day. Including Kim Jong Un’s hunting dogs who got to eat his Uncle and his top aides who were all convicted of attempting to overthrow the Kim’s dictatorship in North Korea. They were also charged with being mean to women, as an homage to the few feminists in the country who survived their latest rounds of torture. According to a Hong Kong newspaper, Kim Jong Un watched on as his ravenous dogs ate his Uncle and Uncle’s cronies down to and through the bone. He then shared a large Domino’s half an half with Dennis Rodman while the two watched LOL kittens on YouTube. It’s kind of sick to order such a killing, but I have to admit, once ordered, I’d probably watch it too. Not something you see everyday in North Korea. It’s usually ravenous people eating the dogs.

Finally, It’s Dennis Rodman And Kim Jong Un In Video Game Form

By Travis March 08, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

With everyone from George Stephanopoulos to David Stern shitting on him, NBA legend Dennis Rodman retreated to his natural element of HPV and Whitesnake songs at a strip club when he returned from North Korea. The Worm has tried to tell people that North Korean dictator and half-man/half-potato Kim Jong Un is a good guy, but that all went to shit this week when Un’s lackeys threatened to nuke Washington.

“Now that the U.S. is set to light a fuse for a nuclear war, the revolutionary armed forces of the DPRK will exercise the right to a pre-emptive nuclear attack to destroy the strongholds of the aggressors and to defend the supreme interests of the country,” the North’s foreign ministry spokesman said in a statement carried by the official KCNA news agency. “The U.S. is massively deploying armed forces for aggression, including nuclear carrier task force and strategic bombers, enough to fight a nuclear war under the smokescreen of ‘annual drills’.” (NBC)

The last time North Korea attempted to fire a rocket, it flew about as far as a whistler stuck between your older brother’s butt cheeks. Needless to say, nobody in DC is scared. That’s why it’s great that the people at Official Comedy made this NBA Hangtime video game parody of Kim Jong Un and Rodman.

Hell, even China is laughing at North Korea right now, and that’s like Ike Turner laughing at Chris Brown.