Kim Jong Un Is How Shit Gets Done

By Lex May 13, 2015 @ 9:22 AM

ZPU-Gun-in-Morroco
In California, it’s impossible to fire anybody unless you have photos of them watering their lawns on restriction days. In North Korea, downsizing is simpler. Kim Jong Un discovered that his Defense Minister was nodding off during his speeches and making some Jong Un is so fucking fat jokes at cocktail parties so he had Hyon Yong Choi marched out in front of an anti-aircraft gun and asked if he felt lucky. The ZPU-4 blasts large caliber ammunition to a range of 25,000 feet. At 20 feet, it probably stings something fierce. Jong Un made sure his inner circle was present at Choi’s evisceration so they’d adjust their comedy routines accordingly. Hey, Park, you’re the new Defense Minister, you got something smart to say?

Last year, Jong Un had his uncle eaten to death by hungry hunting dogs. You’d think that lesson would’ve stuck. He’s gruesomely murdered seventy government officials in the four years he’s been the Supreme Awesome Leader. That’s just how you get shit done North Korean style. If Jong Un ran McDonald’s, he’d show pictures of Choi eating tracer rounds and then ask the counter girls if they really deserved $31,000 a year just because they decided ninth grade was the right time to start a family. In North Korea, the moat crocodiles don’t care about your political agenda.

Photo credit: Wikipedia, WikiCommons

Dennis Rodman Appalled At His Image

By Matt December 24, 2014 @ 7:12 AM

Dennis Rodman Out In London

Dennis Rodman is suing the maker of a video game called Dear Leader! which allows you to fight against America as Kim Jong un and Dennis Rodman. He is reportedly unhappy with the implication of the game and has demanded his character be removed. This is the same guy who has called Kim a “friend for life” and sucked up North Korea’s Propaganda Machine as the Gospel while swilling free bathtub booze poured into a counterfeit Grey Goose bottle during his visit. He caroused with a few whores who’d been frightened into banging him in exchange for twenty years knocked off their stint at the Happy Happy Special #47 Labor Camp. At this point he thought No Ko was the shit because he’s dumb and also broke and has no pride. Hence his willingness to accept what was no doubt a brief case of Korean Won in exchange for promoting a Communist Dictatorship.

I’m guessing his issue with the video game lies here. No drinking money. Rodman would piss on George Washington’s grave for an open bar tab at the Saddle Ranch. This is America fuckhead. It’s called Freedom of Speech. If you don’t like it go live with your midget friend in the land of condensed milk reading embarrassing Amy Pascal emails.

Photo Credit: WENN

North Korea Just Went Ameri-Can-Do on America

By Lex December 18, 2014 @ 8:42 AM

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America used to be the enterprising bad-asses on the the block. The John Wayne drawling and piece-carrying peace makers who capture the horse thieves then made love to the beautiful women while still stinking of the range. Now we’ve been hobbled by some tiny dictator who loves cheesecake bites and clipping his toenails to Matchbox 20 songs. North Korea just showed some serious fucking balls. They got a bug up their ass about a passable Seth Rogen and James Franco comedy and they did something about it. They killed it. Then they punished the people who made it. You can lament them as poor global citizens and extortionists and terrorists all you want, they swept the leg and took home the All-Valley Karate Championship trophy.

This won’t be seen around the world as some nebbishes in Hollywood caving to hackers. This will be seen as North Korea 1, America 0. Obama should’ve stepped in here at some point and called Amy Pascal at Sony and said, you tell North Korea to bugger off and you keep this picture rolling out, and then we’re even on all that 12 Years a Slave Obama be Sambo nonsense. Fuck, I’m not sure people realize how sad a day this is for America.

North Korea Not Responsible For Sony Hack

By Matt December 08, 2014 @ 6:28 AM

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North Korea has issued a statement denying it was responsible for the hack into Sony Pictures which proved everyone hates Adam Sandler. The news came as a surprise to nobody since it’s obvious there are no computers more advanced than the Commodore 64 in North Korea. Kim Jong un and some of his foot soldier drones are pissed because Sony’s upcoming James Franco/Seth Rogen movie The Interview is a lighthearted take on assassinating him. The statement from North Korea’s state run media agency and military uniform laundry facility reads:

“We do not know where in America the Sony Pictures is situated and for what wrongdoings it became the target of the attack, nor (do) we feel the need to know about it. But what we clearly know is that the Sony Pictures is the very one which was going to produce a film abetting a terrorist act while hurting the dignity of the supreme leadership of North Korea.”

If they can’t Google ‘Sony Pictures address’ I’m going to assume they aren’t super skilled at hacking. Still, some cyber experts say there is similarity between the code used to hack Sony and some other hacking incidents which have been sympathetic to North Korea. This proves my long held conspiracy theory that Communists don’t have a great sense of humor, and that Sandler, Franco, and Rogen are indeed the top three reasons the terrorists hate us. I should say, the top three valid reasons.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Kim Jong Un Gimpy

By Matt October 10, 2014 @ 9:20 AM

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A North Korean mouthpiece says Kim Jong Un has not been seen in over a month because he hurt his leg taking part in military exercises. If this is true it could explain his absence since North Korean doctors have never before treated or seen a fat person and usually mercy kill anyone with a sore throat. The report seems suspicious, mostly because it attempts to conjure up the coolest possible way to become injured:

“He ordered all the generals to take part in drills and he took part too. They were crawling and running and rolling around, and he pulled a tendon… He injured his ankle and knee around late August or early September while drilling because he is overweight. He limped around in the beginning but the injury worsened.”

I’m no doctor, but when you pull a tendon you are supposed to rest it. Then it gets better. Given that Un professionally rests to begin with, this explanation is bullshit. Maybe he has an infection and will resurface with a peg leg, which would be a whimsical development on the diplomatic front. My guess is he posing as a traveling Korean businessman and is currently receiving decent medical care at a hospital in Los Angeles. where a scraped knees doesn’t mean grim death from gangrene. I hope at least one doctor recognizes him and surgically implants an electric buzzer we can remotely activate from the States while Un gives his ceremonial speeches to his starving population. Dance, Supreme Leader, dance.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Kim Jong Un May Be Un Living

By Matt October 08, 2014 @ 6:33 AM

Un

The gloriously retarded Great Leader Kim Jong Un has not been seen publicly in over a month. Speculation in North Korea is running rampant that he may be ill. Also that someone invented a flying machine. Both notions have been discredited by the state run newspaper. Un has had most of his enemies within North Korea killed by hungry dogs, although it’s possible he assassinated people who merely looked a lot like his enemies.

North Korean officials issued a statement that basically translates to, he’s fine, now shut the fuck up or go to labor camp. Un’s disappearance comes amid optimistic diplomatic times for North Korea leading to speculation that action film Liam Neeson may have offed the Great Leader to allow for a less fatty boy in short pants leadership to emerge. In North Korea, you don’t just disappear for a month. There’s truly nowhere to go for a month. It’s like Nevada. You can count on a one month disappearance turning into a several decades long absence explained by Un volunteering himself for the first manned journey to Mars aboard a great North Korean spacecraft built entirely out of the country’s finest rice paper.

Photo Credit: Getty Images