North Korea is demanding a video of Kim Jong Un’s superimposed head be removed from the Internet. Apparently North Korean officials do not understand how the world wide web works because they are still developing ice boxes and water closets. They released a statement saying the video ”seriously compromises Kim’s dignity and authority“. This is pretty much the same thing they said about the James Franco and Seth Rogen movie so I’m thinking it’s time for a new English language spokesperson.
Kim’s dignity is primarily compromised by his creepy baby hands and crimes against humanity. Also, being friends with Dennis Rodman. If you don’t want people assuming your dick is the size of a red hot tamale then you cannot get pissed about silly youtube videos. Obamas in there too. You think he’s whining to ICANN in Switzerland? No, he’s just having the NSA track down the video creators so they can be sent 20,000 unsold copies of Dreams from My Father as the ultimate prank.
With Kim being unable to grasp basic diplomatic strategies regarding cheap superimposed videos it’s no wonder he runs a failed prison state. If Kim cared to check out Youtube through his country’s filtered dial up service he would probably see there are tons of videos depicting North Korea’s vast prison camp system. Any good dictator knows you capture, torture, and behead the documentarians before you go after the bored North Korean college kids with 2002 Macromedia Flash.
I’m still sometimes baffled that North Korea is a real country. Outside of Middle Eastern countries dealing for their weapons in James Bond movies, nobody really purchase anything it produces, save for it’s reluctant big brother, China. It’s basically a Fred Flintstone quarry pit manned by forced labor. I bet its Farmer’s Markets suck too. No ponies and kettle corn, just emaciated peasants singing state sanctioned songs. If you’re lucky enough to pass the smart test to go to the University, where I’m sure the keggers are outlandish, you now have been officially ordered to get a Kim Jong Un crappy haircut. That’s just for the men, the women are still being allowed to choose from one of three fashionable Korean lesbian ladies of the 1980 Summer Olympic Games looks. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if The Great Leader had a great do. But apparently his haircut is referred to by anonymous commenters still wanting to live as the Chinese Smuggler look. I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I can guess it’s not a popular request at Fantastic Sam’s. The saving grace is that you can still shave your head when lice inevitably strikes the dorms. So if you feel that telling itch, don’t scratch, let those little maggots burrow in nice and tight and you’ll be sporting the far more fashionable scabby shaved head in no time. Ah, to be young and in North Korea in the spring time.
Every dog will have his day. Including Kim Jong Un’s hunting dogs who got to eat his Uncle and his top aides who were all convicted of attempting to overthrow the Kim’s dictatorship in North Korea. They were also charged with being mean to women, as an homage to the few feminists in the country who survived their latest rounds of torture. According to a Hong Kong newspaper, Kim Jong Un watched on as his ravenous dogs ate his Uncle and Uncle’s cronies down to and through the bone. He then shared a large Domino’s half an half with Dennis Rodman while the two watched LOL kittens on YouTube. It’s kind of sick to order such a killing, but I have to admit, once ordered, I’d probably watch it too. Not something you see everyday in North Korea. It’s usually ravenous people eating the dogs.
With everyone from George Stephanopoulos to David Stern shitting on him, NBA legend Dennis Rodman retreated to his natural element of HPV and Whitesnake songs at a strip club when he returned from North Korea. The Worm has tried to tell people that North Korean dictator and half-man/half-potato Kim Jong Un is a good guy, but that all went to shit this week when Un’s lackeys threatened to nuke Washington.
“Now that the U.S. is set to light a fuse for a nuclear war, the revolutionary armed forces of the DPRK will exercise the right to a pre-emptive nuclear attack to destroy the strongholds of the aggressors and to defend the supreme interests of the country,” the North’s foreign ministry spokesman said in a statement carried by the official KCNA news agency. “The U.S. is massively deploying armed forces for aggression, including nuclear carrier task force and strategic bombers, enough to fight a nuclear war under the smokescreen of ‘annual drills’.” (NBC)
The last time North Korea attempted to fire a rocket, it flew about as far as a whistler stuck between your older brother’s butt cheeks. Needless to say, nobody in DC is scared. That’s why it’s great that the people at Official Comedy made this NBA Hangtime video game parody of Kim Jong Un and Rodman.
Hell, even China is laughing at North Korea right now, and that’s like Ike Turner laughing at Chris Brown.