By Lex June 16, 2015 @ 9:13 AM
Somebody at Glamour had the bright idea of trying to make Kim Kardashian look thoughtful. Close your eyes for a moment and think of adjectives that describe Kim Kardashian. Let me know when you get to ‘thoughtful’. I just rolled past semen-covered and confused and I’m still not even in the neighborhood of thoughtful.
The video editors perched Kardashian awkwardly with a fake laptop bouncing on her hummer knees as she wrote a letter to her future self in 2025. Just look at those occasionally timed gazes into the distance. She’s really cooking. Most people when challenged with this inane self-help exercise tell their future self not to knock up their current crazy fuck girlfriend or take time to watch more shows about dwarfs on TLC or some such shit. Kim mostly asked her future self if she was still a vapid fame whore popular on social media and if science had figured out a way to make her ass look enormous, but less like Baby Huey in a diaper. Then she closed the letter and told herself not to open it until 2025, presumably unaware that hiding a letter from herself she’d just written makes no sense. Unless Kanye hits her in the head often enough. I’m not rooting for it, but it would make her 2025 more exciting.
By Lex September 03, 2014 @ 10:04 AM
Detectives don’t believe in coincidences. I’d hate to live in their cynical world. I happen to believe that Kim Kardashian winning the British GQ Woman of the Year award has nothing to do with her agreeing to take off her clothes for a Scratch n’ Sniff spread in the magazine. Hmm, smells like burnt rye toast. GQ doesn’t use your cliche qualifications like charitable work, achievement in craft, or positive role modeling for its annual award, instead focused exclusively on how many five crown pieces nominees can hold in their twat without grimacing. It wasn’t even close. Kim accepted the award then took off her clothes and told GQ photographers to watch her spit out the coins sorted by year and mint. The world can be magical if you only choose to believe.
Photo Credit: GQ, INF
By Jack August 11, 2014 @ 2:29 PM
Unholy stable thing Kim Kardashian has signed a deal to release a coffee table book of her selfies. The book will feature 322 pictures that this particularly vain trollop took of herself over the last couple of years. I’d say nobody is going to buy this book, but odd are you know somebody who will. Punch them now and save a friend.
Read about Kim killing the printed word with her manufactured face. (Fox News)
Shakira poses in lingerie in Cosmo Argentina, I get that delivered. (Drunken Stepfather)
Amy Willerton sunbathes topless and all is right in the world. (The Superficial)
Bald douche Sinead O’Connor thinks Justin Bieber is sexually exploited. (Dlisted)
Irina Shayk in a variety of bikinis is a wonderful thing. (Hollywood Tuna)
NFL players have noticeably hot wives and girlfriends. (BroBible)
I can’t pronounce Edita Vilkeviciute’s name but I can appreciate her titties. (Popoholic)
By Jack August 04, 2014 @ 12:46 PM
Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton reconciled in a bar in Ibiza after years of hating on each other. Nobody actually remembers why the two nitwits fell out in the first place, but as with any whore fight, it probably involved somebody borrowing a lice comb without permission.
Read all about the reunion of the two HSV dipped frenemies. (Huffington Post)
Jillian Murray emerges from the ocean like a dolphin you want to fuck. (Drunken Stepfather)
Someone bit off a dude’s finger at a Jay Z/Beyonce concert. Probably out of boredom. (Fox News)
Kylie Minogue shows her ass on the cover of GQ Italia. (Hollywood Tuna)
Katie Perry wants to join the Illuminati even though she doesn’t know what that is. (Fishwrapper)
Irina Shayk appropriates Indian culture in Vogue Brazil for the sake of hard ons. (COED)
Hayden Panettiere’s engorged preggo milk tits in a bikini. It can’t be unseen. (Yahoo News)
(Photo Via Instagram)
By Jack July 09, 2014 @ 2:08 PM
Who is the biggest feminist icon of the 21st century? Why, Kim Kardashian, of course. She’s like Mary Tyler Moore if Mary Tyler Moore had fucked everybody at WJM to get a promotion. She really does turn her world on with a smile.
Read more about Kim K’s thoughts on being a working mother that doesn’t work. (The Superficial)
Vanessa Hudgens shows off her tits in her latest bikini Instagram blast. (Drunken Stepfather)
Hey girl, Ryan Gosling dropped his handsome sperm in Eva Mendez. (Defamer)
Fat George R.R. Martin says people who think he’ll drop dead before finishing can fuck off. (io9)
Paris Hilton’s new song causes thoughts of suicide and spontaneous miscarriages. (Huffington Post)
Justin Bieber makes a plea deal for egging to avoid vigorous prison rape. (Dlisted)
Hermione wears her bra as a shirt during Paris Fashion Week. (COED)
By Lex June 13, 2014 @ 2:42 PM
Remember when Elvis got married and all the girls sobbed and weeped and defenestrated themselves because they could no longer have their fantasy lover? Yeah, I don’t remember that either. But I’m told it happened. Those were inconsistently innocent and creepy times. Kim Kardashian wants to let whoever comes next know that even though she’s on her honeymoon, hey, this snatch isn’t going anywhere, Mr. Captain of Industry. In a couple years time your seven figure proposal to box Kim like Helena, removing her limbs and just leaving the commercially sensible parts, will still be very much on the table.
Photo Credit: Kim Kardashian/Instagram