Kim Kardashian’s Dress Deserves a Prize

By Lex March 26, 2014 @ 5:01 PM

Kim Kardashian Wears A See Through Dress In New York
I don’t know how you design a dress that is both see-through, and at the same time can secrete forty pounds of excess gunt. Whoever made Kim Kardashian’s dress for the superbly boring Seth Meyer’s show appearance deserves some kind of science award. Maybe one of those they give out at the dinners with all the celebrities but only show you quick cuts from because they’re super fucking boring. I wonder if this same designer can fashion pro hockey jerseys so I can look less like Kevin Smith and more like Sidney Crosby. Fuck you, he’s NHL hot.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, FameFlynet, Splash

North West Pisses on Kanye

By Jack March 26, 2014 @ 12:38 PM

Kim Kardashian revealed to Seth Myers that baby North West pissed all over Kanye West during their infamous Vogue shoot. It seems that the unibrowed womb troll decided to use Kanye’s chest as a diaper while they were taking a family shot on a couch. North is naked in the picture as a very early indicator of how the Kardashian clain raises their girl children to respect the process. I have a new found respect for baby North. I’ve always thought that she was probably going to grow up to be a monster since she is being raised by the two biggest narcissistic assholes on the planet. But maybe she’ll be okay if she already innately understands her dad is s shit can.


(Photo Via Vogue)

Kim Kardashian Receives 10 Burger Kings As Wedding Tribute

By Lex March 24, 2014 @ 4:18 PM

Kim Kardashian Big Ass In White At Ciara's Baby Shower In West Hollywood

When you hear that heavyset Kim Kardashian is being tributed, you might typically think of groups of sweaty fat men masturbating furiously onto her new Vogue cover photo. But, no, this one involves food. According to MSN, Kanye has decided to purchase his zoftig bride to be her own Burger King franchises in Europe as a tribute to their upcoming wedding. He’s already given her an illegitimate child, an Italian sports car, and lots of excessively large jewelry. Burger Kings only made sense as the next step. Though with only two months left to go until the wedding, it’s an added obstacle for a Hobbit shaped woman set to starve and speed ball herself down 30 lbs. of liquified body fat.

According to the ever reliable anonymous source, Kanye is buying Kim the Burger Kings because this is where he sees her future when her reality TV days are over. A remarkably prescient thought on the part of the merchandising rapper. If you can picture Kim working anywhere when TV fame finally eludes her, it’s behind the counter at a Burger King. That’s assuming she’s deemed too old or virally unsanitary for large marsupial gang bang porn. Though if she owns the B.K’s, she can probably arrange her schedule to fit in both.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com

Kim’s And Kanye’s Rep Claims They’re Not Greedy

By Travis March 24, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are currently suing YouTube founder Chad Hurley because they believe that since their engagement video was leaked online, they lost out on a lot of money that they could have received from selling it, like all truly loving couples do. Chad reportedly made them a significant settlement offer of donating money to a charity of their choice, but they allegedly turned it down because they want to take this thing to court and get the money for themselves. According to the Daily Mail, though, a rep for Kim and Kanye claims that is “False” and offered no additional information. That’s probably because their reps are just trained to fire off denials like, is it true your clients are in a loveless marriage that was only ever intended to benefit them both financially? “False.” Did Kim only become famous because she sucked an unknown rapper’s dick on camera because her mom told her it was a wise business investment? “False.” Is Kim’s entire family’s downfall bound to be one of the most enjoyable things we’ve ever watched? “False.” That’s good, believable PR work right there.

Kim Kardashian Gets Her Vogue Cover

By Lex March 21, 2014 @ 5:20 PM

Vogue not so fetching editor Anna Wintour pretends to be the immovable object, but she isn’t. She’s just a creepy looking neighbor lady with a bad haircut who you discover wasn’t just selling Mary Kay out of her the back of her Kia. Kim Kardashian greatly wanted her position in the fashion world to be officially stamped with a Vogue cover. Kanye felt his lady deserved it for all the bitching clothes she was wearing. Both of them have been wearing as much high-priced haute couture as possible over the past year just begging to be validated. But Anna Wintour kept putting a kindly spin on the fact that Vogue didn’t want to put a hobbit porn star who smelled like Ray J’s asparagus on their their cover. But, magazine sales being what they are today ,Anna Wintour caved with some lame excuse:

Part of the pleasure of editing Vogue, one that lies in a long tradition of this magazine, is being able to feature those who define the culture at any given moment, who stir things up, whose presence in the world shapes the way it looks and influences the way we see it. I think we can all agree on the fact that that role is currently being played by Kim and Kanye to a T. (Or perhaps that should be to a K?)”

Holy crap! I want to strangle this woman with an $900 Yves Saint Laurant cashmere scarf. So, basically, anybody who gets Googled a ton makes the cover now? We should expect Miley Cyrus, Vladimir Putin, and the Norovirus to appear  in subsequent months? Yes, we can all agree that Kim and Kanye play the current role of zeitgeist tour guides if you limit the population set to people who have the E! channel on their favorites list. Basically, women who sneak cheesecake bites after midnight and effeminate males who smell like Pantene.

Anna Wintour went on to dispel rumors that Kanye battled to get Kim on the cover:

As for the cover, my opinion is that it is both charming and touching, and it was, I should add, entirely our idea to do it; you may have read that Kanye begged me to put his fiancée on Vogue’s cover. He did nothing of the sort. The gossip might make better reading, but the simple fact of the matter is that it isn’t true. There’s barely a strand of the modern media that the Kardashian Wests haven’t been able to master, and for good reason: Kanye is an amazing performer and cultural provocateur, while Kim, through her strength of character, has created a place for herself in the glare of the world’s spotlight, and it takes real guts to do that.

We have got o shove this woman and her chapped lips into a pneumatic tube and zip her off to the ass kissing department. Where the fuck did she come up with this tripe? Kanye is a cultural provocateur?  Don’t you just mean, self-important asshole? Kim has strength of character? Would this be defined by her fucking on camera for notoriety or setting up bogus weddings to bilk money out of media outlets? Really? Who’s next? The failed female suicide bomber in Tel Aviv for showing ambition or Jenny McCarthy for bringing mumps and measles back from the dead? God damn, Anna Wintour. You are my least favorite person. Couldn’t you just stick to being prissy and annoying and faking reasons why Chumly Lena Dunham was on your cover?

Kanye Plans To Serenade Kim’s Ass

By Lex March 20, 2014 @ 12:46 PM

Kim Kardashian Shows Off Her Booty In Red Leaving Crustacean In Beverly Hills
Kanye West announced he has a new song in the works just for his fair bride at their Big French Wedding in May. The working title is (Tap That) Sugar Bear Bitch or something similarly romantic. Just imagine Yeezus laying down righteous lyrics while Kris Jenner directs the E! cameramen to get POV on Kim pulling a train of uncircumcised French logger. I’m fucking misty.

Photo Credit: Splash, INFphoto.com, Pacific Coast News