It’s Possible The Kardashians Are Big Fucking Liars

By Lex January 24, 2014 @ 5:31 PM

Kim Kardashian made a splash on Jimmy Kimmel last night, mostly to show the advancements in girdle technology that allow her to look less like a chattering crocus bulb. Being a talk show, Kim had to rehearse some spoken words beyond just ‘Kanye, go kill him!’ and ‘I get five dollars to make you holler, Mister”. So she played sympathetic sister, speaking of how badly broken Khloe Kardashian was by discovering that the man she knew for nearly four hours before marriage was secretly a crack smoking whoremonger with mental health issues. Kim insisted that despite what you saw on the show, Khloe never really wanted to make a baby with Lamar because she knew he was troubled. So, all those sympathetic condolences from her family on her lack of pregnancy, and those trips to the fertility clinics, Khloe actually skipped those. Well don’t I feel pretty fucking stupid for sobbing along with Khloe’s barren womb all these years. I don’t know what to believe anymore.

Kim Kardashian’s Breasts Make Her A Great Mom

By Travis January 24, 2014 @ 1:40 PM

Because it’s all she apparently does now, Kim Kardashian went shopping in Beverly Hills yesterday with her baby and the rapper that gifted it to her in exchange for her soul. More importantly, Kim was in full-on mom mode, proving her haters and critics wrong by showing that not only can she take care of her baby and remove her from a car while Kanye West stands there and looks like a disinterested asshole, but she can also properly place a towel over the stroller to keep North West away from the harmful sun. Although, I wouldn’t be shocked if she accidentally knocked the stroller over and a bunch of empty cans fell out, and Kim had to admit that she left her baby in a Gucci store months ago.

Photo Credits: WENN.com

Kanye And Kim’s Breasts Had Date Night

By Travis January 22, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Poor Kanye West and Kim Kardashian. They must be so sad that they were denied the chance to get married at Versailles and put their own exclamation point on their obnoxious insistence that they’re somehow American royalty, since he became famous as a rapper and she became famous for blowing one. But they put on their bravest faces and Kim squeezed her tits into her happiest dress after attending some Fashion Week crap in Paris so they could have a nice, private date night out. After all, nothing shows the world that you just don’t give a fuck what everyone thinks like a pair of leather pants and your woman’s tits flapping in the breeze.

Photo Credits: WENN.com

Kim and Kanye Denied a Versailles Wedding

By Lex January 21, 2014 @ 6:19 PM

Kim Kardashian And Kanye West Lunch In Paris
if fairytales involved smugness and sexual obsession and pandering and mental illness and cynical promotion and out of wedlock babies, then Kim and Kanye would be a fairytale romance for the ages. And where else to host a fairytale wedding but a palace in France. Though recently denied their destiny on earth to be married at Versailles, Kim and Kanye continue to tour France for palacial venue options for a pre-sold TV packaged wedding of the century. France affords the the spectacle of a grand European wedding without the nuisance of outstanding battery and assault charges on the groom. Also, most of the men Kim has used and conned through the years live in the U.S. so they’re unlikely to scream out ‘Because she’s a fucking whore!’ in the audience when the minister asks that ‘If anyone knows a reason…’ question. It could only be more fairytale perfect if these two human stains were consumed by dragon fire.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com

Joan Rivers Brow Shames North West

By Jack January 21, 2014 @ 2:53 PM

Hollywood crypt keeper Joan Rivers aimed her millennia old venom at Kim and Kanye’s demon spawn North West. It all went down on an episode of Rivers’ horrifically terrible Fashion Police show. The subject of the Kardashian/West womb weasel came up and the ever controversial Rivers commented on North’s unibrow. She said,

“That baby is ugly … I’ve never seen a 6-month-old so desperately in need of a waxing”

Normally I would agree that it is fucked up to make fun of an infant. But that demon spawn  looks like fucking Bert from Sesame Street. Not that Kim should wax that shit. She’s a little child and they just have to deal with the fact that she looks like one of those baby Ewoks from Return of the Jedi. When Kim was previously accused of waxing North’s eyebrows Kim tweeted back,

“Do people really think I would wax my daughters eyebrows so young? Come on, I’d wait until she’s at least 2 1/2!”

Haha, Kim’s paid social media writer made a funny. But seriously, laser a break in that brow, you shape-shifting succubus..

Kanye Wants Kim On The Cover Of Vogue

By Jack January 14, 2014 @ 6:21 PM

Kanye West is being a huge pain in the ass to Anna Wintour to get his slutty wife on the cover of Vogue. Kanye was reportedly spotted chewing Wintour’s ear off in Beverly Hills to plead Kim’s case. Anna Wintour is the notorious white witch editor of Vogue and she controls who gets the cover. It’s seen as the pinnacle of glamour for the ladies. Which is exactly why Wintour doesn’t want a big-booty whore that’s only famous for getting pissed on and laying famous black celebrities to be on the cover. Wintour doesn’t like Kim and thinks she lacks class. But that isn’t stopping Kanye from pimping his lady to her.

I don’t see why he’s so fixated on this. Print media is pretty much dead. Magazines only exist to give older people something to read at the dentist’s office. Everybody else is on the phone or iPad. Men don’t even buy nudie magazines anymore to whack off. Who gives a shit if she isn’t on the cover? Is she not getting enough attention as it is? If he just waits, Vogue will eventually be desperate enough to give in so that the four million strong retard Kardashian fan base army might pluck up their magazine and stop the sales bleed. When it’s time for lowest common denominator marketing, that’s when you call Kim.